Friends after relationship ends

Eeyore73

Hi All,

Has anyone else had problems with so called friends. I have just had a parents evening at my 11 years daughters school, and there were several of our so called friends - well ones he knew before I came on the sceen. One is even godmother to my daughter. Not one them spoke to me, if has made me feel like a total outcast. I not bothered about me, but they could at least ask how the kids are getting on. Since he left 6 weeks ago only one of our friends has been to see me or even phoned. Friends I have made through school have asked how we are doing. Maybe I am being over sensitive about things.

Anyway parents evening was a success for my daughter, even if it wasnt for me :)

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 7:53pm

yummymummy25

Hi Eeyore, how's you? I had the same issues with so called friends when my ex and I split. It is awful especially at a time when you feel so isolated as it is. I think sometimes the so called friends feel like they're gonna have to choose who's side they are on, they seem to think they can't be friends with both parties. Do you have any friends of your own or were your friends both of yours?

Am really glad parents evening was a success for your daughter, you must be proud.

Sorry if that wasn't much help.

xxxx

Posted on: March 23, 2010 - 11:13pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello eeyore73

Great that you had some good reports on parents evening, especially with what has been going on at home.

Ah, the friends thing. It is partly about the taking sides, as yummymummy said but also it is almost as if it is infectious, ie better not talk to her or my relationship might split up too. Stupid, but that is what some people think. You know that way that people can avoid you if you have suffered a bereavement? In the guise of "I don't want to upset her" they neatly sidestep the whole issue. Same with a separation.

One good thing: you find out who your friends are and make some new ones who ARE worthwhile. After all, who wants a friend who disappears at the first sign of trouble?

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 8:23am

Eeyore73

Hi Yummy and Louise,

Thanks, L did brilliantly, I am so proud of her, Dad not even phoned to see how it went :(.

It is true you do find out who your true friends are. I can count mine on my fingers. I have one friend (male - godparent) who said he felt awkard as he didnt want to be seen taken side. What gets me the most is when they have been in trouble and called me I straight round to help. Obviously had doormat written on my head for 17 years. I not asking them to be in daily contact with me, and even if they see EX to report back to me, just a phone call to see if we are ok and if there is anything they could do to help.

Maybe its my time to grow and make new friends, can't see the EX and the bint staying in contact with our old friends - not trendy and fun loving enough for the Bint.

Hope everyone has a good day.

M:)

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 10:26am

hazeleyes

Hi Eeyore, I know what that feels like to have 'doormat' written across the forehead!!!! I always seem to be at everyone's beck and call, and would do anything to help anyone, but it seems when I need something (which I don't often) an excuse is always made.

Really pleased your daughter did well at school. Don't worry about the friend thing, as louise says, you find out who the real friends are.

Take care

Alison

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 2:21pm

sparklinglime

Talking of doormats... It's me.. ;-)

The Git hasn't phoned up to see how any of my lot did in their parents evening either - and he could phone the older twos mobiles to by-pass me (which is why my eldest has had a mobile since he was 12, as his father claimed to be too frightened to phone me **sigh**)

I'm really sorry those parents you knew ignored you. Such a disgrace, even if they do feel uncomfortable.

My ex never did family things, so as people weren't used to seeing us 'together' anyway, there was never a problem.

I'm so glad your daughter did well.

As for feeling sensitive - I'm not so sure. I think it others who don't know how to behave and think that being rude covers it.

I'm sorry you went through it.

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 3:03pm

Eeyore73

Hi alison and Sparklinglime,

My 2 both have mobiles so he doesnt have to phone the house, when it does it comes up with his number. L keeps her phone on silent all the time which is so annoying, 4 times I have to phone her before she answers aarrrggghhh kids!! LOL.

EX hated doing stuff for schools and clubs in was almost like well your their mum you see people from school everyday so you can deal with it.

I did do a slight avoiding thing myself last night, as there is one mum, who I have only been nice to because of the EX, so now I dont have to. She has a holier than thou attitude, which doesnt go down well with a straight talking northern lass!!

I know that maybe a few might start talking agian at some point, but you think I am still a person who has feelings. I have just about got the crying when I tell people under control, even though I do well up. At the end of the day, I am not going to be worse off for not having so called friends around.

It all experience which will add to me being a stronger person.

Posted on: March 24, 2010 - 3:11pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

hello Eeyore73

You're right, you will be a stronger person for all this but sadly, it is a bit of a torture getting there! But remember, real friends are those who stick by you, no matter what.

Posted on: March 25, 2010 - 9:31am

yummymummy25

Hi again Eeyore,

I know its a horrible time for you and a time when you need your friends that you've obviously supported over the years. Unfortunately as Louise said some people do seem to think its infectious and seen as though you're not part of a "couple" anymore they seem to distance themselves. You will learn over time who your real friends are. For most of us we can count on one hand our true friends. My ex and I had such a wide circle of friends and since separating I have certainly discovered that maybe alot of them weren't such great friends afterall. But then I also discovered they aren't really great friends to my ex either and am now glad I'm not part of that pretentious circle. As for your daughters godparent, well he has a duty to your daughter, to make sure she is ok, as she too is going through the loss. It infuriates me that they all want to be godparents or have an involvement in your childrens lives until the c*** hits the fan and then they are no where to be seen, I don't think people realise the impact it has not only on you but on your children. Anyway I won't rant on about how horrible some friends can be in a time of need but remember you and your children are the most important people now and you need all your strength to stay strong and keep things together. You will come out a stronger and better person when everything has calmed down but for the minute you have to go through these motions so to speak and things will get better. Try and remain positive and once you've cried til you can't cry no more and being angry you will find it within yourself to be happy and realise there is light at the end of tunnel.

Hope you have a good day.

Posted on: March 25, 2010 - 12:36pm

Eeyore73

Hi Yummymummy,

I agree with now you are a single they treat you differently. I am sure some thing I am now out to destroy their relationships, but if they really knew me they would know how strongly I feel about people who split up relationship. What goes around comes around. Karma, and all that jazz.

I have decided that only those who have helped me and the kids recently are true friends, and funnily enough they are all newer friends and ones that we made together. I really dont care if people dont or cant be friends with me now, but I totally agree that the godparents should at least have stood up, I am not asking for them to have the kids or deal with any of the fall outs, just a quick phone call to see if things are ok, or if they could help would of meant the world. Out of the 8 godparents only 4 have bothered, shame really as 2 are my relations.

I am trying to be positive and happy each day, even if I dont feel it. My good friend has said she cant believe how well I seem to be doing, don't know if I am just good a putting a front on.

Anyway off to do battle with the Tax Credits office. May a new thread.

Take care.

Posted on: March 25, 2010 - 3:54pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Eeyore73

Congrats to you and your daughter, you are the one who has perservered and supported her to get good feedback from school, don't you forget that.

As for so called friends, I agree with a lot of the above, I have another thought in my mind as well though, sometimes we might give off a sense of uncomfortableness?

If you had seen those coupley friends and went over and pretended to be your normal bubbly self and said 'HI, how are you guys etc etc', how woud they have reacted to you?

Its sad isn't it, but they probably would have been friendly back. However you are the one who is in the difficult position and good friends should recognise that you need them to be positive towards you, not you having to make all the effort.

OK rant over, everyone is right, your situation has changed and your friends will, now more than ever you need friends who will support you through thick and thin, whether it is because you just spilt milk all over the kitchen floor and need a whimper, or whether it is to celebrate the success of your daughters parents evening. As single parents we have no need for superfluous friends - (except perhaps when we have a child free night and need to go out!!)

How did the Tax Office go? Or have you started a new thread? I will have a look around!

Posted on: April 2, 2010 - 1:55pm

Eeyore73

Hi Anna,

I am trying to keep the kids grounded and homework done. Thankfully it seems to be working.

I am going to give up with friends who dont want to know, I have my excellent friends who have given me and the kids support for the last few weeks. Looking forward to making more new friends and enjoying myself a little.

The tax office is a shambles. I phoned and changed the details, and asked if I needed to send the form back, told no as they can use my phone call as signing off the form, they didnt so had a letter saying they were stopping payments - great, got a nice bloke this time, who fingers crossed has signed it off.

Think tax office needs a thread of its own.

Posted on: April 2, 2010 - 9:14pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Ooohhh don't get me started on the tax office! Please feel free to start a topic on it though!

Perhaps it could go into Benefit Changes and You?

I hope that this nice chap is able to sort out your affairs, does that mean you should get some back payment too??

Posted on: April 3, 2010 - 3:11pm

Eeyore73

Hi Anna,

Will do the tax office in the benefits.

Posted on: April 3, 2010 - 9:20pm