Future Contact | One Space

salsapp

Just wanted some advice from people who have been there as in my situation you get alot of well meaning people giving advise but it doesnt always mean its for the best for my child.

I am currently pregnant and expecting my baby in january. The father and i have now seperated so i am going through the pregnancy alone with is though. My relationship with the father was wonderful and i loved him so much and thought i was going to spend my life with him. Everything was perfect until i got pregnant. it was planned but almost immediately after i found out i was pregnant he became very aggressive and abbusive towards me. I was getting so upset all the time and it was making me ill and i was signed off work with pains. i got to the point where i couldnt take it anymore and was concerned for the health of my baby so i left him. On this he became very irrational and threatened on many occassions to kill himself which was very distressing. On one occassion i had texts saying he had done it and was in hospital and i was so upset so phoned the hospital and it was all a lie to hurt me and made me wonder where he is stable. On top of this since our split i have found out that he has previoulsy had a nervous breakdown and has been on medication but im not sure what for. His behaviour worries me as one minute he is up then he is at the bottom. i will get an email saying he loves me and is sorry for all the pain then 10 minutes later get a text saying i am evil and a horrible person and i havent even replied. He has also told me that he has another child but doesnt see her and that the police were called on one occassion and he hasnt seen her since. i never got to the bottom of it though so i dont know all the facts but does concern me.

Due to his mental stablity i am really worried about letting him see his baby or at least having one to one contact with him. I didnt want to be in the position and wanted my baby to have a loving mum and a dad and not growing up with issues about where his dad is or hating me for stopping him seeing him. But at the end of the day my babies welfare comes first and i just want to make the right move. he is a very selfsih person and will do anything to hurt me and i am concerned that he may do something to hurt me like take the baby away. any advice on what i should do??? x

Posted on: September 1, 2009 - 9:26pm

hazeleyes

Hi salsapp
You really are having a rough time right now. I think you need to deal with one thing at a time, and I would suggest firstly the pregnancy. I know it is hard, but try not to have any dealings with your ex for the time being. He obviously has issues, and I don't think you should be caught up in that right now.
I am sure you will get lots of advice from the group. I'm sorry I haven't been much help.
Take care, hope you keep in touch.
Alison
x

Posted on: September 1, 2009 - 9:39pm

salsapp

Thanks Alison I know your right i need to stop contact with him for the time being. He keeps texting all the time being nasty. The other day I had 31 texts in one day. I just want a bit of peace and to try and get my head straight and concentrate on the baby. Think I might get a new number then he cant contact me. Doing that does worry me a bit as I dont know if he will try other methods if he cant text me anymore. Thanks for your reply Take care xx

Posted on: September 1, 2009 - 9:51pm

sparklinglime

Yes, do try a new number.

If he harrasses you and threatens you then you do have the right to report the matter to the police or to call the police. I'm wondering if they would take action on the texts alone on the grounds of harrassment. Thirty one in a day is certainly excessive!

Keep safe. You matter here.

As things stand he has no rights, not until the baby is born, and as Alison has said, deal with each matter as it arises. Even then things will be limited with a new born child.

Meanwhile keep a note of everything. If you can download the texts onto your computer then do so. You should be able to get a cable, if the phone is new enough, to connect it to your computer. Keep a diary too with any threats made.

Sadly, all of us here had hopes and dreams for the perfect family, reality is sometimes different... Doesn't mean we can't be strong and have dreams alone.

Posted on: September 1, 2009 - 11:21pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello salsapp

I agree with the others, keep a log of what happens and see if you can store the texts. There is a law called The Harrassment Aat, but it is quite difficult to get a conviction under it as it is quite new so do keep records. it sounds as if he is mentally quite unstable and needs some medical treatment, but that is not your concern.

Get in touch with Women's Aid as well and get their advice. Here's a link to their website:http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.asp?section=000100010024

Finally if he does have contact with the baby it is possible to arrange supervised contact thorugh a contact centre; here's a link to their page.http://www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php?option=com_facileforms&act=run&ff_name=NACCCreferingform

It's important for you and your baby that you get plenty of rest and peace and quiet so I hope that all this will help!

Posted on: September 2, 2009 - 10:33am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi there salsapp

Thanks for finding us on One Space, how are you doing today??

Everyone has given great information, keeping a record of everything that happens is a brilliant start, for one it means that you can look over things and see how unsupportive his behaviour is and secondly it is a log for the Police or anyone else who gets involved.

I stongly recommend that you do get in touch with Womens Aid, they will be able to give you practical advice and emotional support.

As Alisoncam says, he is the one with the issues and it is not going to help you in any way to try and understand them or to help him.

I completely understand your fear of changing your phone number as you know that he will try anything to contact you, at least if it is on the other end of the phone, it means he is not going to turn up on your doorstep. On another group someone mentioned that they invested in 2 phones, so that one was just for abusive ex partner and the other was for everything else. Unfortunately the statistics show that women are 3 times more likely to get injurred when pregnant, so your absolute priority for you and your unborn child is to keep yourself safe, well and as stressfree as possible.

I understand that you wanted to raise your child in a happy 2 parent family, but it is time to look at things differently, please I urge you to seek professional support, as much of it as you can. It is out there and your situation is not uncommon. Have you heard from him recently? Does he know where you live?

Posted on: September 2, 2009 - 1:53pm

salsapp

Thank you for all of your replies and support. I think getting two numbers might be a way forward as i do feel uncomfatable not knowing what he is thinking or doing. at least that way i will know if he has tried to contact me and can keep the log you all talk about. He does know where I live as he did live with me for a while but he is from a different area so im hoping he may go back there soon. I will look at the contact centre issue as at least if to see how things go and at least we are both safe in that situation. He has never been physical but you never know and sometimes the words and the emotional stuff is just as bad. Im feeling a little more positive today as things have gone quiet and he said he wont contact me again so i hope he will stick to that. i know he is already out there looking for someone else and although i dont wish him on anyone i know that it would be the best thing that could happen from my point of view. Thank you so much for all your help and support. Going for my second scan next week so im concentrating on that and getting excited.

take care

Pxx

Posted on: September 2, 2009 - 8:12pm

purplepeg

Hi Salsapp,

just wanted to say welcome and by the sounds of it you are a strong person who knew what you had to do for your own sake and that of your baby. Stay with that thought and you will get through. No-one is saying its gonna be easy, but this site is filled with the most amazing, strong and supportive people and they are all here to for you.

Stay true to yourself and keep posting please..
Take care
Peg

Posted on: September 2, 2009 - 8:59pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi salsapp

Its great to hear that you are feeling a little bit more positive, I hope that he does leave you alone for a bit, so you can get on with you and your pregnancy.

The contact centre is usually accessed once the situation has been to Court and just so that you know, from my experience, it can only last for 3-6 months then it has to move on from there. In my case, he then got Saturday fortnightly access because the women at the centre said that he had a great relationship with his daughter. He then decided to change to overnight access and there was very little I could do about it. Funnily enough though my daughter used to say she wished she could see him at the Contact Centre still as they used to play games and talk, whereas after that they would whizz around in the car and visit his friends or get left with the grandparents to watch telly.

If you get in touch with a Contact Centre, please would you let us know what they say, as I wonder if things have changed over the last 10 years??

Posted on: September 3, 2009 - 2:05pm

Janine74

Hi Salsapp

I can relate to how you are feeling as I also left my ex partner when I was pregnant and when its your first it's very scary especially when all you want is a loving mum and dad for your son/daughter when born.

The only advice I can give you is try to enjoy every minute of your pregnancy as when you baby is born nothing else matters and you seem to get the strength to cope with anything that comes your way!

I totally agree with Sparklingtime, get a new number and concentrate on you and your baby.

Take Care X

Posted on: September 11, 2009 - 10:25pm