Hello, I'm new to all this

kathryn

Hello , I'm new to all this. Have been on my own for 3 years now, I have 2 boys . My ex-partner and I were together for over 20 years but in the end things fell apart and I realised I didn't want to be with him any more. It might have been easier if I had stayed! He wouldn't accept my decision and became very violent towards me. He is now serving a long prison sentence. Life has not been easy, I have great family support but it has been a battle to get emotional help for the boys who have both found things very difficult to cope with. Their behaviour is not always good and it can be very hard work dealing with the fallout,though I try to keep things in perspective and remember that a lot of the things they do are normal for boys of their age, most of the time they fight like cat and dog. Most of my friends haven't a clue what I'm dealing with, lots of people make the assumption that because it was all 3 years ago and that my ex is now in prison everything is OK. They have no idea what it is like to be totally responsible and to never get a break. Sometimes I feel very alone, I don't have easy access to babysitting and don't get out that much. But I know things could be a lot worse, I have a job and my own homeand we are safe.

Posted on: November 22, 2009 - 4:35pm

Claire-Louise

Hi Kathryn
Thanks for the post and welcome to onespace. I am sorry for your hardships and I feel for you. The fallout is often part of the most difficult times as you struggle to piece it all back together again. It is good that you have some family support. Do any of your family live locally?
You said you found it hard to get some emotional support for the 2 boys - have you tried CAMHS (Children and Adolescent Mental Health Service)? Did the boys witness any of the violence you mentioned from your ex partner? If so, then that could well take time for them to really work through.
Have you come across the Freedom Programme? Is is a 12 week programme that deals with domestic abuse and violence.
http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/abuse-and-violence
It can be really hard when all those around you think you are over the worst and don't have full understanding of how things really are. I hope that you find this site useful. There are many people on here who are all very supportive and have similar experiences to share which could be very useful.
Speak again soon
C-L

Posted on: November 22, 2009 - 6:23pm

sparklinglime

Hi Kathryn

Sending loads of hugs your way, and hopefully we can offer some support to you on here.

I've recently had my name added to the Freedom Programme waiting list, and I have been on my own for five and a half years. I think we become so focused on our children that, in a way, we forget about us.

Posted on: November 22, 2009 - 8:38pm

lindsaygii

Hi Kathryn- yes, it's hard, and the being able to carry on with your normal life is especially difficult, what with babysitting costs and so on. And your situation is really awful, so I really do feel for you.

I can't say it'll ever get easy, but ppl tell me it gets easier, and I choose to believe them. Early days for me - my boy is only five months, and his dad refuses to have anything to do with him. Stupid, selfish, but not - sadly - especially unusual, it turns out. :(

Everyone here's got a story, so you're not alone with us! :)

Posted on: November 22, 2009 - 10:43pm

kathryn

We have now got some support from camhs but this took a lot of effort on my part to obtain. We live in arural area and my experience is that there is more support available in the city. On a more normal note my latest problem is continued pestering from my eldest that he wants the latest game release, which of course all his friends have, and I am the worst Mum in the world because I won't let him have it. It is an 18 and he isn't! It would be nice to have someone to back me up.

Posted on: November 23, 2009 - 12:32am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi kathryn, thanks for joining us on One Space and introducing yourself.

Sounds like you have left a very dangerous relationship behind for your ex to be put behind bars for such a long time. So big pat on the back for you for enduring him, then enduring Court and now enduring the aftermath. I understand when you say 'it might have been easier if you stayed'...... but that feeling is because you always kind of new what was around the corner, everything now is new and you probably never expected your life to be like this.

I promise you it does get easier kathryn, just got to keep going. I am glad to see that you are working, that is probably heliping your sanity a little!

I wonder if you would be interested in doing a parenting programme? From what I have learnt, living with an abusive man can effect the way we parent. You might find it a supportive environment and pick up a few tips too!

Great to hear that CAMHS have taken on your boys, and so they should too.

When talking to your son, you could ask him what kind of parent would you be if you allowed him to have this certain game? I am unsure how old he is, but if he is a teenager, take time out to discuss this product, tell him that you want to hear all the reasons why he wants it and then you want him to hear what you have to say about it, both with no interruptions from either side. Let him know that have heard what he is saying and how much he wants it, this may either changed your mind, he might have an angle on it you had not thought about before, or reinforced why you are not prepared to buy it for him. When my daughter was small, we were very low on cash, so I tended to say to her that athough ALL her friends have lots of Barbies etc, we as a family don't, because we as a family are different to what other familys do and thats what makes us so great!!

Another alternative is to say No, state your reasons, then let him know that if you hear any more about it then you will take the games console away, get him to repeat to you what you have said to him, so that he has it clearly in his mind. In this scenario you have to be firm and stick to the length of time the console is going to be banned.

Let us know how things are this week?

Posted on: November 23, 2009 - 10:23am