Hi
Growing apart is something that I think does happen. It does take a lot of courage to leave. Then again, is the grass going to be greener...
I stayed even though my ex was friendly with other women (it's ok, he never slept with them 8-) ), but finally left when he got involved with a woman online, who lived in Texas. Then my children were being dragged into something, and even though I packed in work (I was working nights) and was going to work from home, thinking I could control the situation, I actually realised how out of control the situation had got, and had to remove my children from what was an unhealthy environment.
Up to that point, even though we hadn't been intimate for a number of years, I would have said that we were best friends.
Would counselling through relate be any good? Or have you decided that leaving is the only option?
We can all offer you support through this.
We all realise and appreciate how difficult a road it is.
Hello halloween baby
I am sorry to hear that you are unhappy and feeling unsure. Counselling could help you decide whether to stay or go. Do you think your partner would go to see someone? If not, you can go on your own. You can use Relate or a private counsellor. Here's a link to Relate: http://www.relate.org.uk/NearestRelate.asp If you decide to stay, a counsellor can help you both put strategies in place to support your relationships, if that is what you both want.
If you do decide to go it alone as a parent, there are lots of practical considerations, especially concerning your son, but also things like who will live where and how you will manage financially. Have a long, hard think. If the situation is not urgent and you can give it time then even if you do decide to split up, some careful thought and planning at this stage can save a lot of heartache later. For example, think about your finances. I knew my marriage was breaking up about six months before it happened and I therefore went for some legal advice, tidied up our bank accounts, closing off little useless ones and started to save some money in a new account in my own name, ready for when it all kicked off. Not many people have the luxury of that time to plan, but it sounds as if you have, like I did,
Best wishes
Louise :)
Hi halloween baby, on other threads we have been discussing a book called 'Is he the one for me?' I found it on Amazon and am only at the beginning, but I have found it extremely helpful. I would really recommend it as it could give you clarity.
You have been with your partner for 10 years, there must be something holding you together, as sparklinglime says - the grass is always greener. This is VERY true, so be careful that what you are envisaging is capable of being a reality.
The book I mentioned says that if you think you are able to love your partner more it will make all incompatibilites disappear, you are wrong, it is a myth, however if you can recognise the positive things in your partner and focus on those there is still hope.
Please do get support with this, so you make a completely informed decision. You might want to have a look at this website too for further support in your decision: http://thecoupleconnection.net/
Good Luck and stay in touch
Thanks for that link to couple connection, Anna, the site looks very good and helpful, I have had a good look already
Yes, halloween baby, let us know how you get on
Good luck with that, hallowe'en baby, that sounds like a great idea and might help clear your head
Best wishes from me too.
Excellent idea halloween baby, let us know how it goes.
I hope that you are able to find the clarity that you are looking for. :)
Hello halloween baby
You're not fraudulent, this is the place where people who have been through the experience can give you lots of information. Of course, the decision remains yours. I am sure members will be along to give you the benefit of their wisdom soon.
My own take on it is that it is not the separation itself that affects children so much as the way in which it is handled. It is conflict, in staying together OR in separating that will be the worst thing for them It is rare to find a totally amicable separation but this all depends on the degree of emotional entanglement. For example, you may feel that you can be amicable about things, whereas if he wants to be with you then the hurt he will feel on a separation may well prompt him NOT to be amicable.
I am glad that you have the counsellor appointment soon, but also that you have the weekend to reflect. In one sense you have the perfect reason to challenge your partner to take action....ie. if you want to save this relationship then you come to counselling too.
Can others give their points of view?
Hi halloween baby
Good news that you have an appointment, Monday will come sooner than you think.
It is interesting that you have tried to tell him things that make you feel uncomfortable and you are finding that he just isn't listening. Would he be interested in joint Relate couselling?
Of course you splitting up will have an effect on your daughter, but it doesn't necessarily need to be a bad one. If you are happier and she lives with you, that can only be a good thing. I imagine the thing that would make it difficult for her is if he completely deserted her. If he consistent in visiting her and didn't show her any less love, it could only be a bonus, double the love, two christmas', birthdays etc.
At 10 she knows that you aren't completely happy, so you might find her really supportive. Do you think she has an inkling that you are not happy?
I split with my daughters father when she was small, so I can't help you with that one and my parents split when I was in my 20's.
It is possible to have an amicable break up, it is not easy and you both have to be willing to work hard to make it work.
I don't think you are being stupid for contemplating becoming a single parent. It can be very liberating! If you could get your partner to listen to you and react accordingly then it sounds as if things would be fine, but if he is not prepared to see his part in your discomfort within your relationship, you could end up feeling very lonely and trapped. Do get that book 'Are you the one for me?' by Barbara D Angelis, you will find it very insightful!
do you have plans for the weekend?
Ooh fancy dress party sounds fun, what or who are you going as?
Oh so sorry to hear about your daughters text, that is not fair of him. It is interesting the conversations that we have had on these boards as the other parent does and will have a habit of trying to make the children feel sorry for him. How do you and your daughter get along. Do you get a chance to have much girl time? I thought it was interesting what you said about how your friend dealt with it. What would your husband say to you having a family discussion with your daughter about how things are difficult at the moment, but you both love them and that will never change. I know it is text book stuff, but if her dad has said that she is probably carrying some fears around with her and she needs answers. Its always good if it can come from both of you, but if not then maybe you can have a light hearted chat about it?
Would you feel comfortable about doing that?
In my case, the eldest asked if we were splitting up and I said yes. Ex was at work and was in denial over it all.
My children were then 12, 10, 8 and 5.
So I got them together and told them all what was happening. They knew the house was up for sale (this took almost three months to get ex to agree to, and the for sale board is what prompted the questions). I answered their question very simply but honestly.
As for whether it affected them. Yes, it did with my eldest. However, because ex had so much debt the house had to be sold and so did my car to pay them off. So really, the material loss affected him, and not the actual break-up. It was as if he lost his status amongst his friends - and awful thing to say, I know. He was around 15 when things caught up with him. There were a lot of issues over ex cancelling contact which affected him. The other three seemed to deal with it ok.
Ex (I tend to call him The Git, by the way) did very, very little with us as a family, so in that respect it being the five of us wasn't actually that different.
Was it amicable? Well, it was what he wanted, and at first, other than the odd blip, it was ok. I'd let him know if children were ill, and he'd see how they were. We'd talk about issues and discuss stuff like School, Scouts and Football. Now things are hostile - well, on my part - as he doesn't seem to want to be responsible for them, or to see much of them.
Are you stupid wanting to be a lone-parent? I don't know how hard your life is, so only you really know that. I know I had to take my children away from what had become an unhealthy environment. Until this impossible situation happened, I think I'd probably have plodded on - but then he didn't do anything with us anyway... What you do need to realise though is that you need to be happy with your life too. You need to be happy to give your child/ren a better life. Sad, tired and angry parents don't really give child/ren a good environment to grow up in.
Your child can have a good relationship with your and the other parent without you being together.
Hope some of this makes sense.
I know it's a difficult decision, so keep asking as many questions as you feel you need to. We all have had different experiences with our break ups, and so can offer different view points.
What I will say though, is don't stay together for your daughter's benefit. You do need to think of you and how things are affecting you too.
Best wishes
Hi Kellie
I'm so glad you're feeling better about things. Thanks for letting us know how you're getting on.
Hi halloween baby
That sound fantastic! I love counselling, it is so liberating! I am glad you have found the experience rewarding. Good luck with the next few sessions, some might be quite difficult and some you might feel you have got nowhere, but stick with it as you do eventually see light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep us updated :)
Hi halloween baby
Sounds like you had a very enlightening session, which although may have been difficult and presents you with difficult choices to make, it can only be empowering for the future.
Are you able to sit down and talk to him about what you have just said here? He needs to know that you want him on-side, when it comes to your daughter.
Keep your mind open, you still have a few more sessions yet and you may find that you get stronger with your decision and how you will go about implementing it as time goes by.
Thanks for letting us know how it is going, I imagine it is so hard learning to be yourself again, when your partner expects you to be the 'old' you. It is your journey and your friends and family have to learn to love you as you grow.
One thing that someone said years ago that always helped me in dealing with difficult situations is to enter it with love rather than anger, upset or fear. Therefore if whatever you have to say is said with love, although it might be painful for yourself and the others to hear, you are in a very different frame of mind and the outcome is often different. Do you get what I mean??
Hi halloween baby
I've not been in your situation since having my son, but years ago I was in a long term relationship. I fell out of love, and he always said he could love enough for the both of us. Of course that isn't possible.
You have been honest and told him how you feel, which of course is the first step. No one can decide what you should do, only you can do that.
Are you worried about being on your own?
Are you scared of ending it completely?
It is a hard decision but it sounds like you know what you want. I wish you well, and look forward to chatting on here.
Others will offer lots of support, some have probably been in your situation.
Take care
Alison
x :)