Help

LAUREN.

im a 17 year old girl, and im wondering if theres anyone whos had there children at 17 and if it was hard, because my mother is telling me that id have to move out my house, the real deal is money im scared i wont be able to do well for my child. do you think that it would be good to keep or have an abortion, my head is so confussed, the dad says hes going to be there and help but what about in 9 months he realises he doesnt want to what do i do ? help

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 3:03pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

hello Lauren

You sound really unsure of what you want. I agree with you that you need to base your decision on whether you could cope alone. If the father supports you then that is great and a bonus, but you are the one who would have the baby and you need to be sure you are Ok with that.

As far as money is concerned, there are benefits that would help you. It's not a lot but it is enough to live on and you would have your rent paid and your council tax. Your mum may well say that you would need to live independently but hopefully she would be able to give you some help even so?

I think you might find some professional counselling helpful. Go to http://www.bpas.org/bpaswoman.php?page=17 and there are some details there which might help. You might also need to think about what the implications are for your education, so your local Connexions worker could help. Have a look at http://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?go=Relationships At the bottom of that page it shows you all the ways of contacting advisers.

Hopefully some of our own members will also be along shortly to give you their input

Keep posting and we will keep supporting you

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 4:40pm

LAUREN.

i know i could do it but it feels asif my mom is putting it all down like theres no good parts to a child.
i know the father will help and everything but at the moment all we seem to do is argue over the fact that hes trying to be there but isnt saying the rite things.
i am really unsure what to do because i want the baby but want my career and my moms saying id have to stop it all but i dont think i would.

my head is really confussed

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 5:01pm

sparklinglime

I haven't gone through what you're facing. However, there are ways of carrying on with your education and your career with a child. Plenty do this successfully.

I'm sure your mother could well be feeling rather surprised about things and can only see the negatives in things.

I was 29 when I had my first child, and my Mother was furious! However, she did get 'used to the idea' and soon got the knitting needles out. She loved my children to bits too.

Do seek out as much information as you can to see what support there is. Clearly your boyfriend is there supporting you, which is brilliant.

Good luck with things.

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 6:09pm

hazeleyes

Hi lauren

It must all be confusing for you right now. You and your boyfriend rowing, and your Mum telling you what to do. It has to be your decision Lauren, and yours alone. Of course your Mum is only thinking of you, and is probably worried that you might end up as a single Mum, but then again, there are lots of married Mums who end up single! She is obviously also worried about your career, but like Sparkling has said, plenty of women go on to have a family plus a career. Living on benefits is hard, but you try and adjust to it.

Do get lots of support Lauren, and weigh up all the pros and cons. Don't rush into anything, and don't be pressurised in to doing something you really don't want to.

Thinking of you, take care

Alison

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 7:48pm

joannewilton10

hi lauren

i was 18 when i had my first child and in a similar situation!! my mum was furious but she did come round and although the dad did stick around for a while we were both so young and unfortunately the relationship didnt last!! That doesnt mean yours wont though i have friends who are still with their childhood sweathearts married with kids and very happy!!

I am not anti abortion but it wasnt something when it came to the crunch i couldnt do but i did consider it no-one but you can make that decision. It is hard work i now bring up 3 kids on my own however it can also be very rewarding. You can still have a career and a child.

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 9:41pm

LAUREN.

Hello Jo .
thank you for that, thats really helped, i wished my mom would see how much her negativeness is getting me down, i think shes being like this because she was 17 when she had me and found it hard because my dad had alot of work and didnt really have much help.

everyone ive asked has said its hard but never regect any of it because its all worth while, i realy would love this baby more than anything in the world i wish she would see that i can look after myself and aswel my baby, she pushed me into going to the doctors the other day but ive had so much time to think and realise that abortion isnt something i want at all.

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 11:05pm

LAUREN.

Hi Alison

yes its horrible having my mom telling me how to live my life, and i know its my decision but shes making it so so so hard, id love my baby rite about now and it aint up to her or the dad, hes like ill be there but i cant depend on him can i . . . because as everyone says now its not if WE can do it its if i can.

my friends are always sayin they will be there and my bestfriend said she will help me no matter what, but my moms saying ive got to move out my house and get a flat then do all the flat out thats going to be alot of money, and then all the baby stuff, im scared that i wow b able to do it :(

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 11:08pm

LAUREN.

thank you for this.
its all really helping me.
because i do think i could do a good job of being a mom because my mom had a baby 6 weeks ago and i look after her and i do well doing it, just hope the money doesnt get me down.
x

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 11:10pm

Pansy

Oh Lauren, sounds to me like you know what you want. your Mum is just frightened for you understandably. I can see both sides, my eldest daughter is only one yr younger than you, but it seems like only yesterday I was pregnant at 19 yrs! I would have kept him, but unfortunatly had a miscarriage at 13 wks. I had a friend who was pregnant at school, she was 16 when she had her baby, she was ok & managed. I had another friend who I met when 16, who had her own flat, she had a hard time at home & had escaped, she then got pregnant at 18, she went on to have a life & was good mum to her children. ONLY YOU know the best thing for you.

There is no right or wrong, only opinions, but only yours matters as it is you who lives your life, no one else. As far as money & being worried about how you will manage. Let me tell you how I have always viewed my life, if you really want something, you will cope no matter what & you will make the best of what you have. Always be positive & have a half full cup in life. Anything is possible when you have a positive outlook. If it is what you want then you will look into ways of managing & you will find them. You have proved already that you are capable because you found this web-site! well done, keep it up. Mum will come round eventually when she sees it's what you want & if it's not what you want that's ok too.

Good luck Lauren & best wishes

Pansy x

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 11:35pm

joannewilton10

lauren

I now bring up 3 children on my own....my ex husband died 4 years ago so when i say alone i really do mean alone, i recently got made redundant and money is always a constant worry ........however that said i have some fantastic friends and family and no matter what life throws at you we all have to just get on with it and do our very best!!

It seems to me you are very mature for your age and personally i think you would make a fantasic mother! I never thought i would cope at 18 but i did and there is lots of help out there and trust me......your mum will come round us mums always do!!!

As for dad wether he sticks around or not he will still have a financial responsibilty to support his child and you havent ruined your future just changed it. Colleges in my area provide a creche for children of students i worked part time so had to pay a small fee but the working tax credits paid the rest for me so you could still study for your career

I wish you well in your future i am sure you will achieve whatever you put your mind to

jo x

Posted on: March 15, 2010 - 1:59pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi LAUREN

Welcome to One Space, difficult decisions to make and I bet it is beginning to do your head in!

It sounds as though you know what you want. I just want to add something else here though. I had my daughter at 21 as although I was originally going for an abortion, when the crunch came I couldn't go through with it. However a few years down the line I was pregnant again, I spent weeks feeling much like you do, wondering whether I could financially maintain 2 children and give them all I wanted to.

Anyway I decided to go ahead with termination and immediately after the operation the relief I felt was immense. No more worrying about what to do, how I could cope, whether it was right or wrong etc etc. and I could get on with my life.

I just wanted to share that there are 2 sides to everything and how surprised I was to feel SO much relief that I didn't have to worry anymore.

If you decide that having a baby is right for you right now, there will be tough times, financially and emotionally, but ultimately your strength will get you through!

I imagine that if your mum has just had a baby, she knows how much support you will need and may be worrying how she will cope with it all.

So if you show yourself being proactive and finding all the support you need yourself, maybe she will see that you will be able to cope.

I took the liberty of looking at your profile and found your location (I am a moderator of these boards) and found this Young Mums Group in your area. Get in touch with them and see if they could help you/support you with housing information and benefits available to you.

Also have a read of one Young Mums Experience.

Phew! Long post! How are you feeling today??

Posted on: March 15, 2010 - 2:01pm