My eldest went through similar, and it was a horrid time. With him it was getting him to settle at night - no fun with work the next day.
My health visitor got me to be rigid with routine.
My mum, when eldest started to his himself, would get hold of his arms and get him to wallop the settee intstead - and he would. I had to make him wallop the settee intstead of himself each time, but it did seem to get what ever frustrations had built up out of his system. Although I was married then, my ex would be out the house from 6am - 7.15pm as he would commute, so a lot of it I did alone.
Don't struggle though. Call your health visistor, as she really should have some suggestions to help deal with and cope with it.
Are you getting up at 6am? That used to be the time my lot would want to be up, so I'd get up too and we'd have breakfast.
It's just so hard to work out why they're yelling when they're so young, and hard to reason things through...
Thanks guys, i have tried the health visitor and too be honest i'd have more chance making a brew in a chocolate teapot! They told me to explain to him why i am getting cross but now all he says is mummy cross! Makes me feel bad that he assumes everything makes me cross. They also suggested i attend more toddler groups with him but the ones we have been to are very stuck up! Fingers crossed i will try a new one next week :)
He isn't hitting himself he's just scratching by his eyes and pinching his nose! Makes him cry more :(
Oh my stress filled life lol ... hope everyone else is having a good day xx
My eldest would scratch his eyes. I just couldn't work out why!! It's horrid, isn't it?
Sorry your health visitor is. Mine was so much better after she had children! There's only so much he's going to understand at that age.
More toddler groups aren't necessarly going to be the answer. Are there any parentcraft classes going anywhere? They often have a creche and you meet other parents - and I know the one I went on with the eldest (he was about 14 months old, I think) really was pretty good. My mum was alive then though, so I was able to have some time out.
Does dancing around the kitchen help at all? I know I go on about random dancing around the kitchen, but it's always worked with my lot - with the exception of my son with special needs - as me being a plonker would get them laughing and either telling me to dance more or them joining in. You can do that what ever time of day too (maybe not bedtimes as they need to wind down).
Sorry to go on so much. I talk too much in real life too! :D
I'd like to add that nowadays they don't ask me to dance more and often ask me to shut up, but my younges is now 10 and my eldest is 17.
Hi me and the boy, I have lots of questions for you.....
Do you have a set routine when he first wakes up, or does he tend to play in his room?
What time of day do you find that he starts getting cross?
Is it because he can't do something? Or that he wants something and you say 'No'?
He doesn't know why he is acting like this and I am sure he doesn't like it. No-one likes getting het up and lashing out.
When my daughter was small, she did exactly the same kind of stuff, she would scratch her arms til they bled, pull her shelf unit onto the floor, shout, scream, kick and bang her head on the kitchen floor - ouch, just remembering that is painful. After her tantrum she always felt very sorry for herself.
Some of the things that I checked about myself were: I often retaliated back (not biting or kicking) but yelling and losing control - this scares children into more of a panic, they need us to keep calm and in control.
I was always so busy cooking, cleaning, 'doing' stuff that I never spent any quality time with her. Sometimes I would leave her in a room and get on with something and not see her for an hour. So I made a conscious effort to play building bricks or jigsaws, not just telling her how to do it, but really just sit back and be there. I let her do the talking and I only responded to what she said.
Looking back and writing all this down, I basically didn't give her any of my time. Although it felt as if she had ALL my time and was very demanding, but actually I was in a 'coping mode' dealing with my ex, dealing with the house, dealing with the child by the book, but not really engaging with the person inside.
As a single parent, we are all they have and they NEED us so much to validate them and make them feel like a good/likeable person that we want to be around.
Going off on lots of different tangents here, but I feel as a single parent we have the advantage to bond so strongly with our children and take control of these situations, whereas 2 parent families can kind of sweep it under the carpet and get on with their lives.
Great idea from sparklinglime about parenting groups, they are really useful for extra tips and tricks.
Hi me and the boy, it's hard isn't it? NO wonder they call it the terrible twos. It seems to go on forever! it's all very well when we get told to ignore bad behaviour but to what extent are we supposed to take it?
Lots of good tips there from all the guys. I have just logged on so will also put in my two pennyworth.....
Routine is what they love at this age, knowing what to expect etc.
How about giving him choices: eg you want him to get dressed but instead of saying "come on now you need to get dressed", you could say " do you want to wear your red T shirt or your blue T shirt?" With a bit of luck you will have got pants, socks and shorts on him before he has decided :D In other words his choices are just about different methods of doing what you wanted him to do anyway.
Another suggestion is for you to be as quiet as quiet can be (and calm!) when he starts getting very loud. I used to say to mine "Shhh I can't hear the xxxx talk" (XXX being an inanimate object like a pebble or a flower...you then have to pretend to listen to the object and of course you can make it say anything you like, such as "I like it when John eats his breakfast quietly"...and you could be quite surprised at this and say "oh gosh let's try to do what the flower says". Sorry these all make me sound as if I am very weird :shock: but they work! You can invoke TV characters like Fifi and the Flower Tots to help with this one.
Another one: get teddy or whatever toy to "act out" some of your boy's unacceptable behaviour (at a time the boy is quiet-ish) Again show surprise and get teddy to sit on the naughty step, telling Teddy "John does not act like that, he is being good right now".
One book I can recommend is "Toddler Taming" by Christopher Green. There is some controversy over one of the techniques however, called Time Out, which basically involves keeping a child shut in a room. Personally I don't agree with that and would rather subsitute time out in terms of the naughty step as others have said. Otherwise I think it' s a fab book.
Louise
Glad you're laughing now.
It will be a phase - such a lovely word - yet so difficult when they're going through them.
Best wishes
My son at age two and a half, he was rather wild, it was just after splitting from my wife.. but anyway.. I was in a newsagents and these two really nice old ladies came over to ogle at him, as they generally do and they were going all.. oh isn't he cute, ahh and all that and he looked at them spat and said.. 'F**K off D***head.
I was soooo embarrassed and tried to explain that I'd recently split with my wife and that was what she was prone to shout at me from time to time.
Anyway, the point is that, one, those two old ladies after that day always said hello to me and smiled and two, it doesn't happen any more and now he's six nearly seven and very well behaved.... 'generally' : )
Just love them and cuddle them and answer as many of their questions as you can.. : )
I love your ideas Louise, very clever, especially the talking quietly (whether its to a pebble or not!) if they are trying to get your attention then notice that you are actually speaking, they will have to stop and listen carefully!
When children first use swear words, they are doing it to test your reaction, if you look horrified, they will love it, that they can evoke that kind of reaction in you. They are learning that they have the power to make you react in a certain way. Its all part of the learning process for them. One suggestion is that you get down to their level, get eye contact and say to them in a low, firm voice 'We don't use that language in our family'. They will see that you are serious, this is recommended for a lot of behaviour that you don't like, however for it to be effective, it needs to be as soon as that particular behaviour starts.
For me and my girl I found that when i said anything about what 'our' family did or didn't do, she tended to respect that as I was all she had and it also empowered me too, to recognise that we were a family and it was my rules, (rather than, I am her mum and she has to do as I say!) but having family rules can really help, although saying that, as my daughter as gotten older, if I now swear, she throws that one back at me, suprisingly though she abhors swearing.....she is so unlike me when I was her age!
With my lot and swearing I repeat their sentence and replace the 'naughty' word with a ''nice' word.
Funny thing is when their friends are round and they swear, the children now repeat the sentence and replace the 'naughty' word with a ' nice' word!!! Only when I'm in the room, I'm sure, as they look at me when they do it!
8-)
How interesting all these different ideas are!
Anna, I had never thought of that "our family" technique, i am going to use that now, even though he is almost 15 he he! One thing I do, which I guess is similar but far more authoritarian, is to make my request quietly, several times and then just add "please respect my wishes", several times if neccessary. It only works with older children, though (and it is a more polite way of saying "Because I said so" :lol: )
Sparkling, you have just reminded me of how I dealt with swearing when my son was three. His dad and I had just split up and although we did not swear much ourselves, he had been plonked in front of the TV a lot while the splitting up process has been going on and seen things that were totally unsuitable. My Mum said he is doing it for a reaction so pretend to mis-hear him. Every time he shouted "p*** off" I showed great surprise and said "pizza? no, we're not having pizza today" and walked away. He would scream it louder and louder and I would keep on pretending he had said pizza. The other one he used was b*****d. I kept asking "what's busted? has something broken?" he soon stopped bothering. it was nerve-wracking while it lasted though :?
Now all we have to do is think of a word that me and the boy can use when the c word happens....... :shock:
I think one of the hardest things is that even when they're doing something naughty they can be cute and make you want to laugh. Many's the time I have had to make a quick exit in order to laugh silently, in the hallway :D
Hi there
It is SO important that they don't see that we find them funny when they are doing something naughty, it will only increase that behaviour. For them any attention is better than no attention.
Perhaps when you were in the shops you were involved with paying the cashier, or unloading your goods and he wanted your attention on him, that was why he shouted out what he did.
You smacked his hand in the supermarket because he said a naughty word, when parenting you have to be consistent, will you smack his hand every time he swears or was it because you were in public? When disciplining our children if we have a only a couple of actions that we take when they are naughty, we are less likely to act on impulse. Getting down to their eye level and speaking in a low, firm voice, or completely changing the subject are good solutions when they are little.
I love what Louise says about making light of the behaviour, humour is always a good way to distract children! I was thinking of COCONUT!! But what worries me in this situation that the child might just repeat the swear word over and over, louder and louder, to make you hear and understand (as they do!)
Yes, my son DID repeat it for a while...and more and more loudly, but this tended to be at home. When out I did my level best to distract him with activities so he didnt think of saying it in the first place :shock:
Coconut is a good one!!!
Could you say that someone else had read it online and spoken to you? or is it not obvious from the blog to an outsider that it's your bro?
If he is someone that likes using the Net then maybe he would take more kindly to help on the Net. Did you know you can email the Samaritans these days? See http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx for details.
My own opinion, for what it's worth, is that it would be good to at least mention to him that you know he is really unhappy at the moment.
Dear Me and the boy
This is a tricky one, but help is at hand. I have spoken to Young Minds who work with young people up to the age of 25years. I explained your predicament and they gave me their number for you to call, so you can discuss all your available options on how to deal with this situation.
Their number is free from all landlines and mobile phones (that's good eh)
0808 802 5544
Their lines are open 1-4pm daily and 6-8pm on a Wednesday evening and have a team of experienced dedicated staff ready to take your call.
Good Luck, let us know how it goes.
Glad things are looking better for your bro, me and the boy ;)
Hello if you see her, you are nearly there! it is the stress, that's what you need to find a way to deal with. What could possibly relax you? Has anyone tried hypnotherapy for situations like this?
I am hoping my brother wll start feeling better today .. He passed his driving test first time! So proud of him :D
That's brilliant. :)
if you see her, that's really kind of you :D but I want you to have some treats too! But I am sure she will love it. :D
By the way, when I was having my youngest child, my friend bought a baby box quite early on in the pregnancy and she bought just one small item every week after that, whether cotton wool or a couple of bibs. You can imagine what a lovely gift it was when I was 38 weeks!
Hi all, what lovely sisters you are! I don't have one and I feel a little envious!
Chinese sounds great Me and the boy, I hope you have fun!
IfyouseeHer, how sweet you are to support your sister with her holiday, but I agree with Louise, don't you go without your own treats, it is SO important!
I will have a look at that myself, Vickie, thanks ;)
Aww I am glad you got your own cake, I had to giggle about the missing slice though :lol: You are so disciplined to change the money into euros.....
Your sister is treating you like royalty....have you ever heard of the Royal Taster? :lol:
hang on in there me and the boy.
Others will post to give help.
the only thing I had any success with was "the naughty step" from supernanny - however it does have to be followed exactly, no skipping steps.
Also, is he better if taken out of house? It can get pretty intense indoors alot of the time. Go to park with small ball to kick?
Or baby swings/slide (aided)?
You are doing well - online help will come, it just takes a while for experienced people to post.
My parenting skills bit low.
Big huug for you
sy