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how to accept a relationship is over & accept your ex is moving on.

Julie Siviour

Hi

I recently split with my daughters dad, i'm also 6 months pregnant with his baby & now he seems to be showing interest in dating again, if he hasn't already. I just feel jealous that he can move on so quickly I know us splitting up was the best thing because the relationship was not perfect & I finished with him cos he kept making me feel crap about myself, putting me down & saying things about women at work but it still hurts knowing he has moved on & I don't want him to neglect or let down his kids.

I would be greatful of any advice from people who have been through a similar situation.

Julie

Posted on: February 26, 2010 - 4:23pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

It's something I can't quite understand.

I was married for 20 years and have four children (almost 6 years since we split).  He was looking on internet sites before I did leave (had to wait for the house to sell).

I have no answers, I'm afraid. 

I can only hope he doesn't let the children down.

Welcome, by the way.  The people here are brilliant and so supportive.   Hopefully we can offer you some company through this.

Posted on: February 26, 2010 - 5:47pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello Julie Siviour

Welcome to One Space.

It certainly is hard to think about you bringing up your daughter and expecting a new baby while he is out there dating again. Sadly you can't force him to be a good dad or take a decent interest. Emotionally you must look after yourself as it is really important that you are strong and capable for the children. Jealousy is a powerful feeling and could be tied in with indignation ("how COULD he?") but you can't help it if that is what you feel. It might help to have a few sessions with a counsellor to talk your feelings through and come to terms with what has happened.

In the meantime there is loads of friendly support here and hope you will join us on a regular basis

 

 

Posted on: February 27, 2010 - 10:09am
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi Julie

I understand that feeling of jealousy.  I think we create in our minds that our ex is suddenly the wonderful person that we used to see in them and someone else is getting the benefit.

You say that splitting up was the best thing for you, he made you feel crap about yourself and was a bit of a womaniser.  Him showing interest in dating again just proves that you were right to end the relationship. So give yourself a pat on the back for being right :)

It is now the time to focus on you, your daughter and the upcoming pregnancy.  Time to discover new things about yourself and time to enjoy your freedom.  Being a single parent is a tough job, but it also can be the most rewarding.

My ex met someone new not long after we split up and I thought he was going to be perfect for her.  I then met her and she was lovely and instead of feeling jealous of her, I felt sorry for her as I knew what her future was going to hold in regards to him.  Sadly it took her two years and a few police statements, before she got out.

You did the right thing for you and your children by ending this relationship, you have to give yourself time to breathe and grieve over what could have been and then you can start looking to the future.

Are you giving yourself any treats?  Do you remind yourself why you separated and feel a weight off your shoulders? Perhaps you could write a list of all the positive things in your life right now?

To cheer yourself up have a read of the Best Thing About Being a Single Parent is ......! discussion forum.

Posted on: March 1, 2010 - 12:58pm
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Bubblegum
DoppleMe

When we first left my wife I used to lie awake at night praying she would hurry up and find someone else... and leave us alone. : )

Posted on: March 2, 2010 - 1:09pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

I used to hope that with The Git - just he found at least three "friends" and still didn't go!

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 5:40pm
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ilovebeingmummy

I think i know how you feel, my ex partner left suddenly leaving me and my 2 year old son in  a vnerable state. Soon after he left he was dating and tbh i did give him grief about they way he left and how he left his son. Thing is i was told so many things comeing from all directions i didnt know where to turn, within 2 weeks he introduced our son to his new gf...which i wasnt to best pleased about because it was done in a short amount of time and my son wasnt in a good place to be at that time considering my sons feeling was not an issue for his father. The good thing is i can bring up my son to the best of who he will become and to make sure that he will be nothing like his father if not goodthings of his father. But to relive the day he left and to find he had a new partner was horrid for myself, bt i take everyday as it comes now and just concentrate on my son.

laura

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 4:53pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello ilovebeingamummy

Thank you for that contribution, it is great to hear your views.

I agree that it is not good for children to be introduced to new partners too soon and it can feel as if it is out of our power a lot of the time, what happens to our children when they are with the other parent. Of course you woud not want to relive that awful time, it is good that you feel able to move forward with your life.

Do keep posting! I think your tip about one day at a time is very helpful. Any more tips for new single parents?

Posted on: March 19, 2010 - 9:22pm
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whitX

Hi Julie, I had a friend who had the same situation, though she only had one child. Their relationship seemed not to work while she was still pregnant and her ex was seeing someone else already. My friend told me it was hard when she was still pregnant and she had to deal with it by herself since she doesn't want to be with the guy anymore. It is your decision not to stay with the father of your kids for that's what you think is the better way to be. I know it is hard but you just have to be at your best with your kids. Your priority now is for your baby, that you'll be healthy enough for the delivery. As for the kids, you have to settle that after on their legal rights and have a counsel to help you out. These kids would still have the connection with their father. You can still talk to him about that for it is his responsibility as a father.

Posted on: March 22, 2010 - 6:55am
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