Hi
That must have been quite a shock for you! Has her Gran said anything to you about this? Has she offered an apology?
Personally, I feel that if you're not satisfied that your daughter is going to be safe then you have no choice really but to stop contact. I'm assuming that there's no Court order in place? If there is a Court Order for contact to be through the Grandmother, you can go back to Court with your reasons to stop it.
It seems to me, one way you can do this is to send a letter addressed to him and marked 'private' to his mother's address, asking him to contact you to agree contact with your daughter. It then puts the ball in his court, so to speak.
You can't do anything to make him see her, so it might be a case of being prepared to deal with that. If you daughter misses her Gran, perhaps contact for a couple of hours every now and then might be an idea, making sure that her Gran only sees her in the house.
Just my thoughts. I do know how hard it can be sorting contact out.
Best wishes.
Hello leefern
Firstly, welcome!
With regard to your daughter I agree with the others that there is no way you can now trust her grandmother with her, your daughter's safety is paramount. I guess she hasd only been involved because your daughter's father did not choose to be as involved once he started getting ultimatums from the new girlfriend.
That is not to say that he has to see her in the Contact Centre. Sparkling Lime's idea of a letter is a good one, perhaps inviting him to mediation where you can talk about parenting time together in a neutral atmosphere, whilst feeling safe enough to express your feelings about his Mum. Find your local mediator here: http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Local Offices
if you do not know where he is, is he paying any child support? Do you know where he works, for the letter? It is important you know the address if he is having your daughter to stay in the future!
best wishes :)
Hi leefern
I completely agree with what the others have said, you could write a letter to him and you could copy his mum in, stating that you would like to change contact arrangements and will stop all contact until you have heard from him, then as people have said ....the ball is in his court.
It is always good for a child to have contact with their grandparents, if possible, but it sounds like you would like to reconsider the arrangements.
I think your first step is to contact a family solicitor and discuss what they can do for you.
Please note that to have the other parent seeing their child in the Contact Centre, it has to go through Court and for the Court to deem it unsafe for the child otherwise or the only option for access.
Please keep in touch as this is such a stressful time sorting out contact. Do you have your family's support?
Hi leefern
It sounds as though you have come to a decision, that you are happy with, regarding your daughters gran. Thats good news.
Glad to hear that you are not planning to get your daughter to show you where your ex lives, as I think you are right, it could well cause more problems than it would solve!
We can't control what kind of father they are going to be for our children, how much responsibility they will take or how much they will support us, so it is completely understandable that his actions are frustrating you.
It sounds as though you are just wanting him to be more consistent, you mention that your daughter has a good relationship with him and presumably you wish for that to continue, but as a parent you know that regular contact is really important. Obviously you want him to do more, but try not to confuse your frustration with him and his lack of involvement, with how much he is allowed to see her.
I am glad that you have a good relationship with your parents and feel their support. I really understand about the feeling of getting to work, just to have a bit of normality and stress free time! What work do you do??
Personally, I think you're doing a brilliant job.
It's so good having family support.
Hi Leefern
Welcome to the group. Wow, how terribly irresponsible of your daughters grandmother. I certainly wouldn't let my child alone with her. You can still keep up contact between your daughter and her, but if you go along too, if that is possible. As for the father, can you arrange visits in a contact centre? It is so unfair that your ex's new partner has made him choose, but he is the father, and quite frankly should have told her where to go.
You obviously want whats best for your daughter, but as a lot of people have said on this group, you cant make the absent parent see the child. You can only be there for the child, so at least she knows you will always be there for her. It's heartbreaking to hear so many similar stories.
I think I'm a lot more fortunate. My son's father has never given a monkeys, so I dont have the hassle, though of course I still get questions from my son.
I wish you luck. Lots of people here will be able to offer you support and advice.
Take care
Alison
x :)