I am a single mum and ever since fathers day this year my son has been saying that he wants his daddy. I dont know where his dad is and have only seen him once or twice a yr in the full 4yrs that my son has been alive,
the fist time my son came out with the fact that he wanted his daddy we were doin our shopping (talk about timeing! mind on other things and he just comes out with it!) thankfully my parents were about and they came up with the fact that he was on holiday, and i thought brill that will work for him for now as he will then be able to say to others that his dad was on holiday if any one turned to him and asked him about his dad. so thats what we went on, only thing now is he's worked out holiday and sea side so my son turns to me and says i want to go to the sea side to see my daddy! so told him that he's not old enough to go just yet and may be when he's older he can go and see his daddy. Now my son just comes out with it and it always seems to be when i'm tired or a bit stressed :'( and he dosent seem to be content with the fact that he's on holiday any more (even tho we'v only been sayin that since june this yr) and so now i dont know what to say to him.
i'v told him that he's got his family that loves him very much and that some boys/girls just have there mummy's and some just have there daddy's and that my he's a lucky boy to have his mummy that loves him. but he's stil not content with it :(
what else can i tell a 4yr old with out going in to detail about his dad??? i really dont know which way to turn next :'(
Hello hatz
Some wise words there from alisoncam.
You can't go on saying he is on holiday indefinitely, especially as he knows holidays are temporary and often at exciting places. You could be pretty honest and say "Daddy doesn't live with us, I don't know where he is" and if the "Why doesn't daddy love me?" question comes up, you could say "Daddy does love you but he works a long way away. I am such a lucky mummy to have a lovely boy like you" and then firmly change the subject, he is only four and therefore can be distracted.
As he gets older he will meet more and more children who only have one parent and this will normalise things for him. In the meantime, have a think about what alisoncam has said and consider whether to contact/search for his dad
My son has a friend whose dad doesn't live with them. He pops in and out of her life. She'll text him and ask him to call her, tells him she loves him etc. If the mood takes him, he'll ring, if not he doesn't bother. Some mornings she is sobbing at the school, and it is heartbreaking to see. I'd much rather have things the way they are here. My son knows exactly how things stand.
Yes, children need consistency. I have to say your friend is not doing herself any favours either. Many of us have been in on-off relationships ourselves (I know I have) and they can rip you to shreds. I hope your friend will one day find the strength to move on
I know that he is kind of local but i dont know where he actually lives! i bump in to him at odd times usely when i'm with my parents and cant really talk to him about things. i would kind of like to be able to say to my son that his dad is around and this is him... but i have to be honest he scares me (the dad that is!) the thought of talking to him again i just dont know.
i have tried to track him down to an address but have had no look and he seems to have either blocked me or he's not on facebook any more so i dont really know where else to turn. i'v been down a few routes to find his parents but i dont really know what there names are as they adopted my son's dad at a young age and i cant remember if he said that he's got the same name as his real parents or adopted parents! the last time i bumped in to him was last yr, we went out for a meal and decided on a pub not too far away from here and we (me and me mum) looked at him as if to say i know who you are but couldnt remember why and then it came to me and he'd walked out by that point.
thanks for all the suport and help it has settled me slightly as i can see that you have gone thru it too.
hatz
i think it's just the whole contact thing! and from what i just found out thru friends (that i didnt know, know him!) i'm now not sure at all! basicly he got married and then split up with her telling every to keep well away from him :( so i dont know what cracked off.
one me other mates has just told me she migh have his dads, dad on her friends list :O shocked and a half! she's sent him a message but dont know what it says as she wont tell me so i guess i just got to wait and see
i heard about contact centres but dont actually know anything about them, plus i dont have any transport other than public busses and all that.
and thats another thing i dont want my son to think that i been liying to him ... well not really just keeping the god's honest truth away from him! but he's too young to really know what went on and i feel uncomfortable talking about him with my son. when he was first born i made a promis to my self that i would be honest and open about it but when the time came i just couldnt do it i was pretty much in tears when he came out with it
Hello hatz
I suppose the first thing is whether his dad wants any contact at all. You will have to see if anything comes of this third-party message on Facebook. Another thing you could do is place an ad in the local paper, asking him to contact you through a Box Number, but of course this relies on him wanting the contact.
The main thing is for you to make sure your son is Ok. My suggestion of saying daddy is working would only be a temporary one. As Helen T says, in the end you will have to be fairly honest with him.
i'v been thinkin over things thru the night and i'm actually worried if i get in touch with him it will actually be really bad thing for my son, i dont want to end up with a big disater on my hands by gettin in touch with him. i have to say it's been 4yrs he knows where i live, he knows (knew) where i worked and tbh town is not that big and i go in every day so if he really wanted to find me or my son (not that he's in town with out me!) then he could have done all ready. the last encounter i had with him ended up with me telling him that my son dosent know who you are, you'v not been around and you'v not even tried to make contact with us.
i dont know if i'm just so mixed up in emotions right now but i dont feel like i can do this any more :( i just want my son to be happy and for my family to be happy tooit brings up so many negative thoughts, reations i'm all ready getting annoyed with my son for bringing things up so i think it's talk time with him and come up with an answer that my son can truely understand. aarrgghhh!!!! things are never simple!
After coming to the conclusion to talk to my son about his dad i ended up tellin him that his dad got scared when i told him that i was going to have a baby and he's gone away for a long time, i dont know if he's goin to come back to us just yet. i also went on to tell him that as he grows up he'll meet lots of friends that might only have there dad or mum in the life and that it's nothing to worry about, you know how much you mean to me and you know how much i love you...
he seem to have settled down with that information and hasn't said the "D" word since this morning which when he use to say it every hr or so is a nice releife for me! i just have to tell my rents what i'v told my son!
Sometimes a simple reply is enough to satisfy them - and it sounds like an honest one.
As you say, telling you Mum and Dad wil mean he has the same reply.
Personally, I do understand why you don't want to let him know.
Best wishes
Hi,
Just my tuppence.
I think honesty devoid of any personally feelings, as best as that is possible, is the best policy. Mine don't actually ask really but there have been occasions when I have had the need to explain something. I just tell them and answer all the questions that come up as best I can.
They live with me as that decision was made by CAFCASS and the courts, they have had supervised contact with their mum but as they know them selves, they are five and seven, it generally falls apart and then stops for a while, at the moment it's been a year and a half, the most it's ever been consistent for has been for three months.
I think children know and are capable of understanding more than we sometimes give them credit for. I think it's best to give them all the information, frank and matter of fact, answer any questions and let them deal with it in their own way while always reassuring them that you love them what ever.
They are never going to understand it as adults until they become adults and have children of their own and even then they are going to understand it in their own way.
That's how I deal with it anyway, the plain truth as I see it and answer questions.
Later.
Simon
yeh it was hard for me and thankfully my son wasnt lookin at me in the face as i was cryin as i was talkin about things to him. he settled down after i told him what was what and he has brought it up once so am feeling better off tonight than i have done in a few weeks.
thanks for the note about the book i'll see if can get it from the library at some point :)
well he's tooked up in bed fast asleep which is a nice feeling! havent had a break this weekend as my parents are away so tempers running a bit higher than usual! there back tomorrow so will get that break that i needed :)
any ways thanks for everything xx
Hatz
hello hatz
WOW! I am really impressed with the way you handled that, sounds absolutely spot-on. As you have heard from other parents, many have been through the same thing.
The hot weather makes tempers even shorter, doesn't it? Have a chat with your parents when they get back. What have got planned for Sunday?
lol the usual things today!!! as little as possible, clean the rabbits out see to the birds and chickens too! done the washing up all ready so thats at leats one down! lol might go for a walk down the park later just see how my son is after dinner! parents are back some point today so is at least one thing!
i am feeling a lot better than i have done in a long time and it has helped our relationship get that bit stronger between me and my son.
right dinner time now! lol goin to see what there is in the fridge/freezer and see what i can come up with!!!!
thanks everyone for your help :) (i'v pointed my friend in the direction of this website too as she's having probs with her teenage son so i hope that she gets the help she needs too)
thanks again
Hatz
well just to update again! lol i told my parents over tea and they have agreed with me that it was the best decsion to make as to what i have told my son :) so it's all good here this weekend :)
he's back to nursery tomorrow and in one way i cant wait! lol in another way i'm goin to go back to having a son less day :( !!!!!!!!!!
thanks again for all your help
hatz
Hi hatz, just wanted to say well done for what you said to your son. Great that you've got your parents to fully support you on it too.
My son should be at school tomorrow, but we've come away for the weekend, so he's having another day off. Back home tomorrow, so school on Tuesday. I miss him too when he's away for the day, but sometimes, it's a nice relief isn't it?
I hope your friend also joins us on here. Am positive she'll get lots of help with regards to her teenager.
Take care, chat soon
Alison
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Hello hatz
Glad you are feeling more settled in your mind:-)
Rabbits and chickens? Do you get home-laid eggs?
Hope your Monday will go well, I am off for a swim while the pool is quiet. Yes, do get your friend to join, and I hope you will stay with us, too!
lol i'm staying! been very helpfull so far this weekend! :)
today my sonny boy decided to stress me out by not wanting to get dressed :( i'm tryin to get him to get him self dressed so when he's doin it at school for P.E. and things he wont need much if any help! but he dosent see that he just see's his mummy making him do something! but there we go we'll get there in the end! lol also waiting for parcel to come that should have been her last thrus :o naughty company! pay for next day delivery and it comes the week after :o
just dropped my son off at nursery and had to get a taxi home cuz the bus has broken down so had to spend £3 more than what i wanted to :( but least i can still get home! it's raining here today so going to spend my morning sorting my hair out as i washed it the other day and not got round to straightening it yet so is looking like a fluf ball on my head! lol other than that i'v got a job centre meeting later on and we'll see what comes off that! :) hopefully some help with money and getting another job as i got made redundant in april from a job that i have had for the past 6yrs of my life :( wasnt nice!
Hatz
redundancy is awful. So much about too, it's frightening.
I often wonder what jobs there will be for our children...
Good luck with the job centre. Hope things go well there.
Hi hatz. Welcome to One Space. I know exactly how you feel as I went through this myself. It is difficult to know what to say at such a young age, but I've always believed in telling my son now 7 the truth. He started asking about his 'daddy' when he was at nursery. He'd seen dads picking up their children and heard them talking about them. At first I started off by saying that some people are scared of dogs, and his daddy was a bit scared of babies. This satisfied for a short time only, then one day, still aged 4, he said, 'I'm not a baby anymore, so can we call him'. I hadn't a clue where the 'sperm doner' was, but I knew I had to try and find him, for my son's sake. This man didn't have a clue if he had a son or a daughter, (he used to have to walk past my house everyday, but just wasn't interested). Anyhow, I did track him down, not in this country, and there was a few phone calls, then a first meeting. My son as young as he is, has worked out for himself what his so called father is like. He hasn't been in touch for over a year now.
Sorry hatz, I got carried away there. Firstly, is there anyway you can trace your son's father? Friends, family that might know where he is? If and when you are able too, then perhaps, like me, a few calls first. I would also tell your son that you are doing your best to try and find his daddy, at least then he'll know you are trying. What you have told him so far about some children only having one daddy or mummy is honest, and he knows how much you and his grandparents etc love him.
Please keep posting, and others will be along at some point during the day. There will be lots of support for you. I look forward to getting to know you some more.
Take care, hope you have a lovely weekend.
Alison
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