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i feel useless

alone

hi everyone

i have just joined. i am a single mum with a 2 year old boy. after he was born i had postnatal depression and still do have to some degree.

i feel like i am a useless mother, although everyone tells me that im not. it didnt come naturally to me although a baby was what i had always wanted and now hes going through the terrible twos i feel like i cant talk to any of my friends as they either have older children, who help look after the little ones, partners or a good family network and cant understand why i get so tired and feel like tearing my hair out - maybe im not cut out to be a mum? it still doesnt seem instinctive and still scares me - there ive admitted it!

all i have is my mum who is great but she cant help a lot because of her work. my ex left when i was 5 mths pregnant and has never seen my son, but then again he has 3 children altogether and doesnt see any of them. i think his family are aware but have never attempted contact. i am friends with one of the other mothers and our ex still talks to her but wont to me that makes me think there's something wrong with me.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 11:00am
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jennyj

Hi. I know how you feel. Its hard work looking after a toddler on your own and im constantly tired too.
Dont take the blame for your ex not seeing his children though that is not something wrong with you thats something wrong with him!.
I think you probably need some extra support and a bit of a break now and then.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 12:22pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

Hi

I'm quite certain that you're a brilliant mother, caring for all your son's needs and keeping him safe and secure. It's so important to look after you too

It can be so isolating when you're on your own with young children.

Clearly your ex is a git, choosing not to be involved with your son. It's something that you can't do much about. My ex chooses to do very little with our four children. It's good that you get on well with one of the mum's. Him not talking to you when he speaks to her certainly doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. He could well get a 'kick' knowing that it bothers you. I know my ex gets a thrill still after getting to me!

Below are links to two sites that may be able to give you some support. The could well have groups in your area which means you'll be able to meet other parents. They're for Gingerbread, which is for lone-parents and for sure start who can offer help when you have children under 5.

http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website

http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/surestart/whatsurestartdoes/

You son is at a trying age now. Hopefully with the sunshine you will be able to get out for a picnic and a walk and a run around.

Please don't be hard on yourself.

Keep posting. There's brilliant people on this board who can offer you support.

Anna and Louise will give a lot more advice.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 2:34pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi alone
You are not alone, now you've joined us. :) Have you been to the GP and explained how you're feeling? Are you on tablets? We all, I'm sure, have days where we want to pull our hair out. (I know I do).
The fact that your ex doesn't speak to you, but he does the other mum, is no reflection on you, just him. My son's father, (sperm doner) goes from me and then to the mother of his daughter. He doesn't provide for either child. I don't have any contact with him now. I thought it was best for my son, (he will make his own decisions when he is older), but for now, he doesn't want to even speak to him. He is 7.
It is good that you have some support from your mum.
When my son was born, I was petrified. I wanted a baby so badly, but I was actually frightened to change his nappy, and waited till my sister came to do it. It was stupid really as I had changed babies bums for years, but I felt utterly useless at the time.
I know it isn't easy being on your own, but you can do it. Might take some time, but you sound like a lovely caring mum to me, and you are doing a great job. Please seek help if you haven't already done so. Keep coming on here when you are able. Lots of people are here to advise you.
Take care
Alison
x :)

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 2:48pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello alone

WOW how brave you are, it takes a really courageous person to admit that you feel scared and worry about your ability as a mum. I'll let you into a secret....most people feel like this but they are not candid enough to admit it. The PND has made things harder for you, as has the fact that you are parenting alone. But you are NOT alone, you have now found this wonderful online support group :D

The others have given some great information, thanks for that, guys. I have a couple more things to add. One of the things that DEFINITELY helped me during the terrible twos was realising that everyone else's child is going through a similar stage. Have a look at http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/ where you can find details of where Mums local to you get together. Or you could have a word with your Health Visitor about what's going on at your local Children's Centre. You might even be lucky enough to be in a Home Start area, where you can have the help and support of a volunteer (sort of like an extra auntie!)

Are you into reading? if so I can recommend a couple of great books. "Toddler Taming" by Christopher Green and "Baby and Child" by Penelope Leach. Look at getting this latter book out of the library as it is very thick and therefore expensive to buy. I used to get it out of the library about once every three months to read about tne next stage.

Finally, as and when you feel strong enough, think about getting in touch with the "other" side of the family and sending a photo of your little one. You have nothing to lose!

Keep posting and we will keep supporting you

Louise :D

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 5:38pm
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alone

thank you so much for all your replies i will look into the groups you have suggested.

yes i am on tablets and have been since he was born. i do speak to my health visitor and doctor who tell me i have come a long way actually taking him to a group at our local sure start when a year ago i didnt even want to leave the house. i havent had a lot of support from other so called health professionals who have put him through test after test after he was diagnosed with loose joints, convinced there was other problems with him when actually there wasnt and i always knew that deep down but they made things worse for me and i always had that worry instead of being able to enjoy him.

i am so glad i have found you on here because i dont feel like i can be honest with people who are not in the same situation as they dont understand or they judge you.

i dont think i even want my ex to be involved it just hurts me when he wont talk to me when i loved him so much and having a child meant nothing to him.

i do find things hard because my son is very demanding and wants my attention all the time. i wouldnt be without him and love him so much i just feel really scared sometimes and then guilty for feeling that way.

i have thought about sending a photo to my ex's dad as i know where he lives but then think it would worry me too much if they wanted to be involved and see him without me.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 6:04pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

It's sounds to me as if you're doing really well. Worrying a lot is down, I think to lacking in self-confidence. I'm no good when it comes to self-confidence.

I'm glad you do have the support of your GP and HV, even if they've not been so good when it comes to your son. As you say, perhaps the worry of it all has taken away so much pleasure.

Are you able to get out for a picnic while the sun is shining? I know I go on about it, but I always found it helped and was away to set of steam for the children.

Good to see you here.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 6:27pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi alone
Sorry, but am unfamiliar with loose joints. What is it? If you don't want to explain, then that is ok. :)
I felt exactly the same way as you with regard to the sperm doner's father, but in actual fact he took it out of my hands anyway when he said he didn't want to be involved. Suits me fine. I wouldn't want my son around someone who doesn't want to know him!
You are doing just great, doing everything possible for your son. You will have bad days, but believe me, the good outway the bad, and they are so precious.
Sparkling is right about the picnic in the good weather. I do picnics and take it in the garden. My son loves it, always has.
Keep talking in here, and you will be fine. I have only been here a few weeks, and I have had so much help. It's good to know you are not alone.
Take care
Alison
x :)

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 8:17pm
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jennyj

I agree there's something really uplifting obout being outdoors i always feel better after going to the park and its good for tiring kids out too ;)
Sounds like you're making progress by going to the surestart groups and it will help to chat to other mums.

Posted on: September 12, 2009 - 8:58pm
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alone

thanks again for your replies

alison - it means he has loose joints in his knees and ankles & they think his hands too. he was floppier than most babies & all his milestones have been delayed, sitting up walking etc, like being double jointed but hes not quite that. it doesnt seem to bother him now and he is running round with the rest of the children.

i dont really want his dad to be involved he will only mess him around and he can hardly look after himself let alone be responsible for a child. i still get jealous over him and wish i didnt :(

i do try and get out as much as i can its harder some days than others.

Posted on: September 13, 2009 - 3:02pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi alone
Am glad your son has caught up with development. He can probably outrun the other kids now!!!
Is it being a single parent from the beginning thing that makes us jealous of others spending time with the children? I used to be exactly the same way when my son was younger. He's now 7. I remember having to go into hospital for a few days when he was 6 months. Everyday, my sister, who was looking after him, brought him in to see me, and his smile made me feel so much better. When I returned home, and put my arms out to him. He bawled. It took him several hours before he came to me willingly.
Sorry, rambling there for a minute!
It's perfectly understandable that you want to protect your son from being upset by the father. Sometimes I think they are better off without the absent parent if they keep messing them around, ie, not visiting, not ringing etc.
Hope you are having a good day.
Alison
x :)

Posted on: September 13, 2009 - 3:48pm
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi alone

I have just read your post and feel your despair. I, too have been there, I was never diagnosed with PND but still found having full responsibility of a baby, incredibly daunting.

By the time she was 3, I thought the future looked so bleak that I reached out to every available organisation and charity to try and get some support and help me to become a better, happier, more in control mum. Everyone has given some great links, please persevere and reach out all you can.

The fact that you have come onto this site and found us and shared how you are feeling means that you are on a new journey, the past is behind you and things can now only get better if you want them to. Have a look on our Advice Finder and see if there is any other support in your area.

Take your time with your ex, if you don't want to contact him, that is fine, but please don't think you are unimportant because he deems your relationship to be, that is his take on things, not yours. You have a new life now and there are many new priorities that you need to think of rather than someone who seems to be selfish and thoughtless.

Some days will be harder than others, what do you like to do in your spare time? Perhaps before you had your baby??

Posted on: September 15, 2009 - 3:24pm
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anne

Hello to you. I am also new to this. I had many sleepless nights, but I began to fight back!! And thank goodness it paid off.
FRIENDS, FRIENDS AND FRIENDS, I cudn't have done it with out them....I don't have many, , but the ones I do have, will be friends forever. Even if you don't have many friends, YOU now have US. HAVE FAITH IN YOURSELF, cos your little one needs you. Keep your chin up....Keep busy....HAVE YOU TIME...

Posted on: October 4, 2009 - 6:36pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello anne

Yes you're so right, friends can be invaluable when things are tough and we do hope that our online community here can provide some support to get people through the difficult times. Thanks for sharing. :)

Posted on: October 4, 2009 - 7:16pm
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lightatendoftunnel

Hi Louise,

Part of having depression is having low self esteem and confidence. So really, it's the depression that makes you feel like a useless Mum.
Once the depression lifts, and eventually it will, then you will feel much, much better about yourself.

I'm an attractive woman, but when I have depression I don't feel it. I just see a tired, hagged woman who is going grey with wrinkles.
I'm not really like that though, it's just when I had depression the way I saw things was different.

Depression and tiredness make you see things in a different way.

Posted on: October 27, 2009 - 9:11am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

yes that is oh so true.......

In which case the key to it all is to address the depression, which is very hard because when a person is depressed then they can find it hard to feel motivated enough to seek help. It's important that anyone feeling like this DOES go to the doctor and also thinks about counselling.

Don't forget, for anyone who feels really low, the Samaritans are there 24/7. I have found them invaluable in the past. Their number is 08457 909090

Posted on: October 27, 2009 - 9:18am
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Claire-Louise

Hi Lightatendoftunnel
Thanks for your post and I can really empathise with you. I have noe been diagnosed with any PND but I have found it really difficult to feel god about myself once I became a mum. I think it is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. The job description for parenthood would go something like this:
No Training
No Supervision
No Annual Leave
No Sick Leave
No Pay
Hours for work: 24hrs per day.
It is a wonder any of us volunteer to do it! On top of that I have come to realise that as we progress in life, we get more labels regarding who we are which come with different perceptions of what those roles should be that we can really loose site of who we are at the bottom of it all. I found it difficult to know who I was, what things I liked and difficult to find the time and energy to try to find out. I feel like I am getting there and for me the secret was finding a type of yoga which really appealed to me. I have been studying that for 4 years now and am about to qualify so I can teach it to others! But I think the tricky thing is that each individual needs to find what is right for them at a time that is right for them too- there is no easy answer. Do you have an idea what you like doing or would like to do?
Good luck with it
C-L

Posted on: October 27, 2009 - 12:20pm
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alone

hi not been on for a while.

thanks so much for sharing.

i have tried counselling and went to PND group which, this has helped me a lot in knowing there r other people who understand how u r feeling & that m not alone in how im feeling.

friends - well my long term friends arent really that supportive, they have children & just think u should get on with it, although they have either got partners or if theyr on their own have big families. i just have my mum & she isnt well so cant help as much as she would like. im also worrying about her.

its hard to explain how i feel but i will try its like im scared, even though im looking after my son & doing everything right & people tell me what a lovely lad he is, i dont know its like you have someone who depends on you, to look after and i feel like im walking on the edge of a cliff, just about stopping myself from falling. i think its cus i lost my dad when i was young & worry about losing everyone, on a daily basis.

i get so tired yet find it hard to sleep at night. i cry a lot when my son is playing up, then feel guilty cus i should be coping better than i am, that i shouldnt feel like tearing my hair out because im his mum.

his dad doesnt want to know him, i would have let him see him.

i get so down having to do everything on my own most of the time, even at the park there seems to be happy families everywhere. i have come to terms with the fact im goin to always be on my own.

i dont feel like i'm interested in anything. as for what i did before i had my son, i was drinking too much, i think he saved me. the doctors know all this, i think counselling wise theyve given up

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 10:44am
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lindsaygii

I agree with Louise - admitting how tough it is, and how you are feeling is very brave indeed. And you are doing absolutely the right thing for your child by keeping this awful, unreliable man out of his life.

Two-year olds are a nightmare, though. Personally, I have never met a nice one! They are lovely before, and lovely after, but at two they go through a phase of being *very* annoying!

You sound like you've been quite depressed, but if you are feeling stronger now - or when you do - try your friends with older kids again for advice. I'm sure part of them 'not understanding' your problems was actually your own perception due to depression.

I'm not saying that in a mean way. I suffer with it myself, so I really know how much your perception of other people can change from one day to the next when things are bad. :)

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:55pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

Hi

I'm sorry things are still difficult.

Are you still seeing your GP? Are you being treated for PND or depression? It just might help a little.

I often come here to ask for opinions on things as I have no family to help with decisions. I need that reassurance - and I need to be able to have a tantrum too - and I do come here to seek it. As sad as it may be, forum's are what help me with day to day parenting.

We were at the Remembrance Parade this morning, and you can see the mum and dad's watching. I've always watched alone... I am used to it though, and accept that this is how it is for me for now. My children are older though, and therefore a bit easier (even if it did take half an hour to find my 13 year old's Scout shirt to iron!)

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 3:00pm
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alone

thank u linsaygii & sparklinglime

you're right it does depend on how i feel that day, my friends r just not sympathic & if i say im tired or something on facebook they say why dont i get off there then, when a lot of the time its my contact with people and my son wont let me get any rest anyway.

yes i am still seeing my gp, i am tomorrow in fact

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 4:27pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

Loads of hugs.

I completely know where you're coming from depending on the day. I'm a right weepy whinge-bag at the moment!

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 5:08pm
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alone

hugs back thanks x

i am as well, i forced myself to go out last night to show my son his first fireworks, if it for him, i probably wouldnt go out x

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 5:29pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Good luck at the doctor, let us know how you get on :)

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 5:47pm
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alone

thanks but they just give me the same old tablets

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 6:43pm
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Claire-Louise

Hi
Not sure we have met before but good to see you back here again. I think that is another great thing about this forum is that people can come and go a bit as they feel the need so keep coming back when you want to or need to.
I am glad the PND group has helped you and it is always a relief to find that you are not the only one who is experiencing something so i hope you can continue to get support from there. Do you go to any mother and toddler groups locally? If so, have you met any supportive parents there? Also you might want to look at some parenting sessions in your area as it is always good to get new ideas on techniques you ca use in different situations and the terrible two stage is a really good place to start putting discipline techniques into place and trying out a number of different techniques to see what works for you and your son. I know parentline plus run short courses or otherwise a course that I know of and really recommend is Strengthening Families, Strengthening Communities which looks at issues within the home and in the commuity. This link might be of use:
http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/behaviour
I can understand some of your feelings of real responsibility regarding looking after your son as it is a huge responsibility which is heightened when a single parent. But I think through going to parenting sessions, you can get that same feeling of support as you spoke of with the PND group that you meet others who have experienced similar issues as you which can really help.
Parenting is hard and just like we look for things to praise our children about, we also need to look at ourselves and praise ourselves with each thing we did well. They suggest praising your child 3 times a day and so we should also be praising ourselves 3 times a day too so lets try it?!
Keep up the good work and enjoy all your fun times together.
Cheers C-L

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 6:56pm
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lindsaygii

alone wrote:
i forced myself to go out last night to show my son his first fireworks

You see? You can't say something like that and still believe you are a bad parent! Forcing yourself out for his sake was a wonderful thing to do. And something that a lot of self-confessed 'wonderful mothers' wouldn't have done, frankly.

I'm proud of you, even though I don't even know you!

:)

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 10:43pm
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AndiK

hi
this is my first post on here but i really wanted to say well done to you.......firstly for posting on here and saying how you feel, that took real courage and you will have no idea how many other mums or dads you may have helped just by being so honest about your feelings.
Secondly for being a great mum and putting your son first and taking him to see the fireworks, in spite of how you felt.

I know other posters have said already but we all go through this to some extent, some more than others but you are not alone. For a whole year i could not leave the house on my own, it was as though i couldn't function without a child with me, i didn't have any role except as mum and i totally lost myself and i had a husband for support at that time too.

Keep up with the doctors appointments and keep being the good mum you are....it does get better.
Just think of your little boys face looking at the fireworks and remember you every smile he had was there because of you.

Posted on: November 9, 2009 - 4:15am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello again alone

I hope that the support the forum members are giving you is helping. I understand what you mean about feeling responsible for that child, especially when you have no other help. And the "Terrible twos" are called that because they are terrible at times! Claire-Louise has a good idea about seeing what groups are available locally (Health visitor will know). If you feel nervous about going, see if you can find out who is the organiser and give them a ring beforehand and say that you are nervous and they will give you an extra bit of support. Also it iw worth asking thye Health Visitor if there is either a Sure Start or a Home Start in your area. These two organisations help parents of under-5s. Sure Start will run dropins and provide individual support, Home Start allocates you a volunteer, to act as an "extra auntie" who can give you a lot of practical support.

Another thing that might reassure you is to have a look at the book "How not to be the perfect mother" by Libby Purves. It is a humorous look at parenting but has a load of good tips in it as well.

I agree with AndiK that you will have helped many other parents by being brave enough to come on here and share. I hope you will continue coming on and let us support you through this rotten time. I feel sad that you see your GP as just dishing out the same tablets. As for counselling, if you are willing to talk about your feelings and to see if you can find a way through then there is no reason why you can't go back and try again.

But don't feel you have to do any of this until you're ready. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow. Take good care of you, we are here with you :)

Posted on: November 9, 2009 - 8:19am
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lindsaygii

I love Sure Start. Normally I'm totally allergic to joining things, but Sure Start is my absolute lifeline. Love 'em. :)

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 9:23pm
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi alone

I have been away for a few weeks and now I'm back and have just read your post, I can sympathise with how you are feeling completely, I didn't feel like the child was even mine for a very long time! There have been some great tips and ideas here:

- Find something to do that you enjoy, you say that you used to drink quite a lot, but now you have your son your life feels empty (apart form him) actually your son has given you the freedom to find the real you ! Seek out a new interest, whether it is reading thriller novels, or a new exercise class or try a new language. Find what 'alone' is really interested in.

- Get in touch with your health visitor, find out what is on in your local area for mums and toddlers

- Don't believe that all other parents that you see are in control of their lives and extremely happy, they won't be :o

- Parenting programmes, they are BRILLIANT, they really helped for me- actually i have always been a great mum(!!!) but going on a programme, I met new people and we really bonded, I learned new techniques and my confidence increased.

Please remember this is only the beginning of the rest of your life, not the end. The future is yours. I once felt like you and now I am moderating nationwide forums!

How are you doing this week anyway??

Posted on: November 18, 2009 - 11:41am
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Bubblegum
DoppleMe

Anna wrote:
Don't believe that all other parents that you see are in control of their lives and extremely happy, they won't be :o

+1 to that.

That is one of the best things I learnt from attending the incredible years. Its OK to get sad and angry and down, everyone does, there is no such thing as a perfect parent except on TV and in films and adverts and magazines.

Posted on: November 18, 2009 - 11:51am
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

I have to say, until my son 7 started school, he was an angel! He slept through the night, had no big problems cutting his teeth, sailed through the 'terrible two's'. I counted my blessings that I had such an easy to manage child!!!! When he started Reception, he seemed to change overnight. (At home, mind you, not at school)
He started back chatting, refusing to do what I asked.
Everyone told me that once he started school, he would change, but I honestly didn't see how :geek: Boy, oh boy, it hit me hard. I have lost count of the number of times I have shut myself in the loo, bawled my eyes out through sheer frustration. I have chased him round the rooms crying! Now I think I am being paid back big time for having it soooooooo easy. On the whole though, he is still good, but there are obviously days where I could happily walk out. After that thought, then the guilt immediately creeps in. Somedays it helps me to take a step back, listen to other mums moaning about their children, listen to the other children and what comes out of their mouths :o and then I can once again thank my lucky stars that he isn't such a bad lad afterall.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and no such thing as perfect child. And that my friends makes me so happy! :)

Posted on: November 18, 2009 - 2:38pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Exactly! :)

Before I had my children I used to imagine what it would be like...there I would be with this cherubic child, and I would be a saint :lol: Then grim reality hit!

Posted on: November 18, 2009 - 3:12pm
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sparklinglime
Online
DoppleMe

I did the Incredible Years course too - and live in hope of getting on one for older children.
I have the book on the shelve in front of me. It was good - even if it was only a way to find out I wasn't alone. I also met and have made a really true friend through it too.

My lot are a lot older now. I can't say it gets easier, as I don't think it does. The challenges become different!

Going totally off topic here (so unlike me) 8-)

When my oldest boy was 9 months old I came in from work, and he was sitting on her knee (I job shared, and mum would have him for me - I was very lucky). He reached out for me and I hugged him, telling my mum I wished he could stay that way forever.

My mum's reply was that it would be sad if he didn't grow up, and that every age was lovely - even 30 (which I was at the time!!).

My son is coming up to 18 now, and those years have absolutely flown by. He can still drive me to sitting in the loo bawling my eyes out though!!! And he costs and absolute fortune.

But I love him. He - and my other three - have been my reason for getting out of bed in the morning and my reason for breathing.

Focus on the laughter... The bad bits fade. When my now 13 year old was three I'd given him one heck of a row in the morning, and he was in nursery that afternoon. I went to pick him up, and he saw me through the window. I was greeted with the biggest smile and a wave. I said to me friend that children were so forgiving - and she replied 'yes, but we mum's are too'.

These little snippets have stayed in my head, as they're relevant - you just don't always see it at the time.

Posted on: November 18, 2009 - 7:18pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Lovely post, sparkling lime! :D

Posted on: November 19, 2009 - 9:50am
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alone

thank you all so much you have talked about just how i am feeling!!!

what is the incredible years course and how do i go about other parenting courses?

everyone tells me what a great job im doin and what a lovely little boy he is and he is. i feel on edge all the time, even though hes my son and i love him so much and like you say hes the reason i breathe and get out of bed. my mum says its because i have no faith in myself. when he has his tantrums i sit there crying. sometimes im glad he is at school because of getting my rest and having a break and then i feel so guilty for feeling like that because he is so lovely.

i have come to realise its all about them being part of your life and including them in it, not them stopping you from doing things.

im having a bad week this week, feeling a bit down :(

Posted on: November 20, 2009 - 11:31am
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Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hi alone

I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad week. Remember what bubblegum says

Quote:
Its OK to get sad and angry and down, everyone does, there is no such thing as a perfect parent except on TV and in films and adverts and magazines.

I think it is usually the best parents that go to parenting classes, because as someone said earlier there is no perfect parent, we are learning everyday and we can only strive to learn more and try different tactics.

You could try your local doctors/health visitor to see if there are any parenting classes in your area. Or the library, or perhaps your local childrens centre? Or even ask at the school, they should have this information.

Parenting programmes are GREAT, they changed my and my daughters life, relationship and outlook. I made some excellent friends and have never looked back. Go for it, you won't regret it! :)

Posted on: November 20, 2009 - 11:48am
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Claire-Louise

Hi Alone
I am here to echo what Anna has said about parenting courses. I can recommend one called Strengthening Families, Strengthening Communities but I also know of the one Incredible Years and they are all good. Parentline plus run shorter courses as well. Each time I do one, I learn something new and as my children keep growing then I find it useful to keep doing the parenting courses as different things are appropriate at different ages. The Strengthening Families, Strengthening Communities one provides you with a whole toolkit of different things to try with your children to help with their behaviour to try and some work for you and a child and others work at a different age or a different child and it is great to be able to pick and choose what technique to use and also to have a back up one if the first thing doesn't work.
Parenthood is the one job that we don't get any training for, don't have any supervision, don't get any sick leave or annual leave. It is 24/7 and voluntary and so any help we can get with it in the form of parenting sessions I think is a real bonus and something that just wasn't around when our parents had to do the job!
Also you get to meet a group of people who are all facing very similar issues and learn from each other which is very supportive and a real bonding experience. You can ask your at a local children's centre or GP or through the Family Information Service.
Give it a go!
C-L

Posted on: November 21, 2009 - 8:01pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello alone

Just saying hi and asking how you are at the monent?

Posted on: December 9, 2009 - 8:41am
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi
Am using this thread, because that's how I feel, USELESS. My son has tummy problems, and he is under the hospital for them. First went in June, dr agreed with me, (as I thought it was a wheat allergy or coeliac) Blood tests came back negative, as I hadn't put my son back on full wheat, (because of pains). Total mix up with dates for next appointment. Should have been seen in the August, but didn't get appointment until early November. Same dr told me that he would be referring my son to another dr who specializes in wheat etc. (he told me that over the phone in August).
My son is in a lot of pain, and gets them daily. I have kept him on some wheat, as the tests keep coming back negative. (In my mind, he should have been given other tests in the meantime). Just rung the hospital to chase appointment up, and was told the original dr hasn't even seen the referral letter yet, and he has to see it before it is sent :o :o We are talking back to November. When I asked the secretary why, she simply said the dr has been on holiday, and because of the xmas holidays too. She has said she will chase this up!!!! I was a bit sarcastic, and asked if the dr was on holiday or anything.
This is all absolutely crazy, all taking place in the same hospital. I shall ring them again next week, and might even get onto my GP to see if they can move it along a bit. It's bad enough when an adult has to be in pain, and wait on an appointment, but when it comes to a child, and he has been attending since June.
Life is certainly getting me down right now people. So many things going on, I just feel I'm not in control of a lot of things.

Posted on: January 11, 2010 - 1:56pm
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

hello alisoncam

You certainly are having a rough time of it just lately. :(

I would definitely get to the GP. try to stay calm but explain that your child is in pain every day and that surely that cannot be right and the pain is a sign that something is wrong. As with all assertiveness techniques, think about what outcome you want, if you go in and rant then although that makes you feel better, it doesn't progress matters. Write it down if neccssary; "I am extremely concerned that despite referral to the hospital, X is not getting any help with his tummy problem. He is in pain every day which tells me that there is still something wrong. The hospital seems to have shelved his case. Please can you contact Doctor X and ask that my child is seen again and his pain taken seriously"

One of my pet hates is alol that bureacracy. When my youngest was small he was very very slow to talk and although he did need some speech therapy, what he really needed was grommets (as he has a deformed ear canal) I had to fight tooth and nail to get him that treatment. :twisted:

oh and by the way, you're not useless, you're FAB

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 7:38am
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Louise
Thankyou for that
I rang my surgery yesterday and requested a phone call from my GP for today. (quickie than an appointment, she's only part-time)

I sat and realised something yesterday, over the weeks I haven't felt like my normal self, (no, not turning into an alien)
I don't know if its because I've been indoors for so long because of the weather, but I'm starting to dread going out and seeing people. When I took my son to school yesterday, there was no need for me to ask if I could pick him up early, but I did. On the way home, I just wanted to get in as quickly as possible. This is really crazy, but indoors I feel I can shut the door on the world, and it's just C.... and myself. It's not about me feeling safe or anything.
Crazy isn't it?

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 8:31am
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Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

I am wondering if you are beginning to get depressed, alisoncam, do have a chat with the GP about yourself, too.

I remember a few years ago I started thinking that everyone was looking at me when I was out and about and felt quite "threatened" by it, and could not wait to get home and hide. My GP said it sounded like the start of depression, she said spend the next three weeks doing things you like and surrounding yourself with people you like and see how you feel by then. In fact it did pass but it does sound similar to what you are going through, though your own doctor is the best judge ;)

Just a thought, however: if you think of the things that have happened to you in the last month or so then heck, I would be surprised if you didn't feel like this.

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 12:36pm
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lindsaygii

Alison, I'm so sorry to hear that you're having more troubles. I was hoping that the new year might change your luck a bit, but it seems not so far. :(

Hospitals can be an utter nightmare, and you're so vulnerable when you need them most. I can't offer any advice on that except to keep going, keep calling, write it down, all the usual stuff.

But I'm really worried by what you said about wanting to shut other people out. I think you already know that you are describing the first signs of depression?

It might just be the weather (Christ knows this snow is making everything hellish for all of us), it might just be that you've had too many knocks recently and you need a break? Maybe this isn't the time to try to pack in the fags? Or maybe, just a nice time to take your mind off things? What about those women who got you the trainers? Why not invite them over for coffee/wine/food/chat? Or invite yourself to one of their houses? (they already know you're in a bit of a fix so it's not like you'll be asking out of the blue)

Please do something, and make an appointment with the GP - you can always cancel if you feel better. I'm worried that if everything carries on knocking you down you'll get past the point where it's easy to fix.

Many hugs. Many many.

Hey, if it makes you feel better about it, I'm going to go out the back for a smoke in a minute, so it's not just you backsliding! :)

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 9:00pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi lindsay and louise
I spoke to my GP today about my son, not me. Wasn't time on phone. She was quite shocked about the hospital, and promised to get onto it straight away. That is a little weight off my mind. The other thing, about the way I'm feeling, I just don't know. It could actually be a combination of things. I'm not sleeping too well, lack of energy, tiresome rows with 7 year old, (somedays, I feel like a bloody parrot). The weather isn't helping at all of course, as we all know.
My sister just called me, and I was telling her a bit of how I am feeling, (she can't deal with stuff like this). Her answer simply was, 'you'll come out good in the end'. :roll:
Don't feel bad about the cig lindsay, I had 2 today.
If I have the 'girls' round, the kids come too, (no babysitters), and to be perfectly honest, I couldn't cope with that right now. My other friend always comes round after school on a Friday, she is great, but again, I cannot be bothered for chit chat. Hope that doesn't sound selfish of me, but even talking seems to tire me.
Thankyou for your concerns though. If I still feel low next week, I shall make an appointment.
Take care all, don't get cold in the garden lindsay.
Alison
x :)

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 9:16pm
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Claire-Louise

Hi Alison
How are you doing today? I think you have ben battling along with life so much recently that it has knocked the stuffing out of you a bit ad it takes time to build that back up again. I really feel for you. Try to take each day as it comes and think of all the things that you have achieved and that are postive in your life. Keep an eye on how you are feeling and seek the support of your GP if your mood doesn't lighten in the next week. You sound like such a strong character on here, always fighting for what is right, that perhaps it is time to fight for yourself and your own health too.
Good luck you fab lady! Big hugs C-L

Posted on: January 12, 2010 - 9:34pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Thankyou for your really lovely posts. I think you're right too Claire-Louise, all the stuffing has been knocked out of me. I have been doing all my neighbours shopping this week, as well as my own chores. I couldn't see elderly people out in this rotten weather. I trudged to school this morning, loads of snow during the night, and still snowing. The teacher wasn't impressed either at having to go in, and I actually asked her if the headteacher had a bed there!!! She did laugh, (though I was being deadly serious).
I am so so glad that I belong to this site. It has certainly helped me, and this week in particular I don't know what I would have done without you all. Louise helped with a problem with the computer, :) which has made me so happy, and my son is delighted, so again thankyou Louise. Lindsay made me realise last night that I'm not a total loser for having a few cigs. I was on a low about that, so thankyou Lindsay.
Go careful everyone, and thankyou
:)

Posted on: January 13, 2010 - 12:37pm
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Claire-Louise

Great to hear from you Alison although I seem to be following you around today so sorry if i end up repeating myself a bit!? Gald that you seem a bit brighter and that you have got some good support from the people on this site - that is what we are all here for and you have certainly helped out others in the past and what goes around, comes around and that is the way the site works. its great! And you are great too! I think there could be some competition between headteachers to keep their schools open the most - my son's ex head was just like that. I am glad you son's teacher seems to understand where you are coming from and is sympathetic. Glad you got your computer sorted out too. Have you also thought about virgin media and sky packages as well as talk talk?
I saw this site advertised on TV (been watching quite a lot of rubbish since being ill but it helps with this type of thing!) and it made me think of you.
http://www.simplifydigital.co.uk/
They said they are impartial and might be of use. I just did a search online for 'digital packages' and some other sites came up as well so you could have alook at them as well. My concern about talk talk is that you would still need bt line rental as far as I am aware and I can imagine that you miht not want anything to do with them EVER again. I have virgin media for phone and internet and have been pleased with the service but it is worth shopping around.
good luck
C-L

Posted on: January 13, 2010 - 7:14pm
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hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Thanks for that link Claire-Louise, I will have a look at it :) Before I even commit myself to another company, I first have to get rid of the dreaded company. I am certainly going to really look around though.
When I'm not feeling well, I love snuggling up and watching tv, so i'm glad you are doing this too. You deserve to spoil yourself once in a while eh.
Take care, hoping you're feeling ok
Alison
x :)

Posted on: January 13, 2010 - 7:26pm
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lindsaygii

You know something, we REALLY need to organise a One Space picnic in the summer!

We'll all turn up really grey, and lined, trailing fag smoke behind us, with our backs broken and our clothes slightly mouldy, but we should still do it!! :lol:

Posted on: January 13, 2010 - 8:55pm
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