I have failed my daughter!

Pansy

only some of you will know a bit about my 14 yr old daughter. Basically she has been how she is since she could talk & walk!
last yr I took her to someone who agreed with me that she has ODD but she did not want to give her a diagnosis of this. I have read up on it & my daughter covers it all, the sad thing is that they either grow out of it or go on to develop a personality disorder. I think she has one already or defiantly will have one.

you would not believe what I have been through trying to get help, have been on waiting list with CAMHS for mths! have pestered them & they say she next one on list now, but it's all to late. I don't want to do it anymore I have completely broken down, no one realises how bad I am, I can't function at all to do simple things, don't want to talk to anyone, certainly have not got the energy to take on daughter, it's such hard work.

I just want peace & happiness in my life. I used to dream what it would be like with no ex & no daughter in my life. Every day & every hr was a battle with them both, on top of that was my eldest daughter with her anxiety problems (she is Aspergers) and my son with his also & his school/work phobia, but they are both lovely loving children & they too have suffered because of daughter & ex. When my daughter went to her Dad's for 2 mths in Dec none of us wanted her back & we all felt in a panic about it.

Although we are nearly there with finally getting some help, I have given up. I have been begging ex to have her live with him for mths now! I have explained how bad it is, & he knows from his own experience what it is like. He was being understanding & supportive with me about it but kept saying he would not make her go to him, but now he is being nasty & blaming me for it all.
I did txt him the other day to say that I could not keep her longer than another couple of weeks & asked him to please not make me do it the hard way which is throw her out. I found out that this is my only option to force him into having her as he would not let her go into care. He has said that he is happy to have her but will not MAKE her go. I understand that it is hard but he has not been listening to my pleas that I can’t carry on, so I had no choice but to make that threat. Of course I know full well that he would not let her go into care & she would be forced to go with him.

I have also told her the same thing, that I do not want to do it the hard way, I begged her not to make me do it & told her I do love her but there is nothing else I can do & it is best for us all, she did not believe me & so when her Dad told her on the phone that she had no choice she totally flipped out telling me that she would rather be with me & she will do anything I want her to so she can stay. I am confused she is always telling me what an awful mother I am & how she hates me & spends all her time on the phone to her Dad & his GF, telling tales on me. She treats me with no respect & shows no remorse when she has verbally abused me or smashed things. She told me it will not be good for her to be with them, that she does not want to turn out like them & that she won’t get any help with her problem if she is with them. She admitted she hates herself & said she does want help, but I have no way of knowing the truth, she changes like the wind.
If I had the strength I could try & help her, it worked when I took all her stuff away & she had to earn it back, but once she had it back she was the same, I didn’t seem to have the strength to do it again though, why not?
I know what needs to be done but I don’t want to do it. I am soooo tired mentally & in body. I usually sleep after one of her outbursts & I cry my way through doing the washing up, dinner etc because all I want is someone to help me. Can’t tell Mum how bad I am, she not well & is not very strong like me, she will fall apart if she sees me in this state, so I hide it. Have seen GP, CAMHS, phoned parent line.

I just wish ex would not blame me & show some understanding. But I wonder if I am to blame because I know she will be good for him & she will have no siblings to fight with. I have failed her, I should have got help before now, I always thought I will get round to her later & never did, I put the others first & it all took so much energy. I feel like I have lived yrs in hell & I just want it to end.

I am so sorry this is so long. I don’t even have the energy to read it back.

Pansy

Posted on: June 5, 2010 - 3:41pm

hazeleyes

Hi Pansy, I've not been in your situation, but there is one thing that is pretty clear to anyone here that has read your previous posts. You DEFINATELY haven't failed your daughter. Please don't think you have, because no way have you. You've tried to get her the help she needs, and she obviously knows that because of her comment about not wanting to live with your ex as she won't get the help she needs if she moves in with him. No point in saying perhaps give her another chance because you do this too, time and time again. Like you say when she left in December, your household was calmer etc. By sending her to her fathers, it doesn't mean you don't love her, it just means you need a break for a while to sort yourself out, recharge your batteries etc.

I'm really sorry that you've reached breaking point so to speak.

Take lots of care, sending loads of hugs and strength

Alison

Posted on: June 5, 2010 - 6:15pm

sparklinglime

Hi Pansy

While I know my 14 year old is not as trying, after a day like I've had today though, it is hard, tiring and exhausting.

I have no answers. My ex wouldn't answer the phone even if he had it switched on.

Perhaps the time has come for her to go into care.

You've done all you can, then this is a choice. You cannot make ex understand or support you.

One of my foster sisters went back into care. The trauma was awful. However, my life was more peaceful.

You're living in Pansy. Take the ex out of the equation, as it could be giving him some pleasure knowing that things are hard.

Posted on: June 5, 2010 - 7:32pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

hello Pansy,

My heart goes out to you. you must be exhausted with everything that has been going on. You have been struggling on and hiding your despair from other people, such as your Mum who is ill herself.

You have not failed your daughter. The system may have failed her, but you haven't. There is a limit to what one person can be expected to achieve or, indeed, put up with.

You say you know what to do but you can't do it. The first thing of all is to help YOURSELF to feel better, only then will you have the strength that is needed. You have been to the GP but I presume this is about your daughter. Go to the GP yourself and explain what a state you are in, that you can't cope any longer, there may be some medication to help you, or you can be referred for specialist counselling that would give you some specific coping techniques.

Reassure your other children that you know things have been difficult but you are getting it sorted and ask them for just a little more forbearance.

Have you been in touch with that support group I gave you details of some time ago? They could empathise and perhaps tell you what other people have done in your situation. I believe that's what may be making things even harder, Pansy, that you feel so alone with this problem. Here's a couple of online resources that may help: http://www.dailystrength.org/ (click on the Support groups tab and scroll down alphabetically for ODD) and http://www.conductdisorders.com

I agree with sparkling lime that it might be an idea to back off with her father. Once you recover the strength to start a systematic regime with your daughter, not only will her behaviour improve but she also might like the idea of living with dad, if living with mum is so strict. You have a right to be treated with respect and taking privileges away from her helped before. But first you must build up your resources so that you can cope with the challenge. At the moment it sounds as if there is so much emotion in the situation, not least from your daughter, that it must be difficult to think straight.

Has Social Services had any involvement with your daughter? I am thinking about the Children and Families service. If you could get some respite care from time to time then this is another thing that may make the situation easier to bear.

Let us know how you are feeling; we are here to support you

Posted on: June 6, 2010 - 7:51am

Pansy

thank you all for your support. I did speak to social services to ask if there was any chance of respite, but the answer was NO there was not. Also they said they could not offer any more help than the CAMHS team. Thank you Louise for reminding me of the groups again, I have joined them now, there are others on yahoo groups too that I joined a while ago, but so many seem to be in America where it is taken more seriously & more help seems to be avaliable, here it is like banging your head against a wall!

Of course I am in total confusion as to know if to follow through with making her go to her Dad's or not. It did not help that my Auntie phoned me from Australia late last night because she had seen my daughter's facebook wall saying I was throwing her out & making her go to Scotland with her Dad. She is on about me doing a contract with daughter, which is something I have been trying to get round to doing but have been sooo exhausted all the time I am not even able to think straight for long enough to do it. It is possible that if I do it well enough & cover everything & IF she actually takes it on board reads it properly & agrees, then maybe we could make it her very last chance? stick to it or go to her Dad's. She did say she would do anything I said to stay. she said she had not realised I really meant it when I said I would throw her out until now & now she knows I mean it she will do everything she can to stay.

On the other hand maybe it's time she learnt a very hard lesson. That if she continues to treat people like she has then eventually they will no longer want to be with her.

I am to tired & confused to work it all out. I wanted to write a contract & also to write up a report on her starting with her childhood & going through everything about her & what happens so that I could just give it to any proffesionals without having to go over it time & time again & trying to have to remember everything that needs to be told. Trouble is I am in no fit state to do it at the moment.

well I suppose I will have to try even if I sit here all day everyday because once I have it all written down it will make it so much easier.

Pansy

Posted on: June 6, 2010 - 11:28am

sparklinglime

It will be a way of helping.

It's sad that there isn't someone living in the same street who would be willing to have her for an afternoon when things get too much.

I'm not able to ask anyone for my 14 year old - heck, I had a job trying to find someone to have him for my Mum's funeral, and he was only 11 months old then!! So it is a life time of challenges.

Thanks to the actions of one parent yesterday, it has meant an evening of hell yesterday, which is still continuing today. Because we weren't able to be home by 6pm as I said...

**sigh**

Posted on: June 6, 2010 - 12:31pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

The contract sounds a good idea, Pansy. but I would urge you to look after yourself in all this, one of your major problems is exhaustion. I know some of your children are home schooled as well so you don't even get that brief break. Is Barnados active in your area? I know they provide schemes which support families of children with special needs.

Posted on: June 6, 2010 - 3:02pm

Pansy

actually daughter went back to school recently. Eldest has been at school all along & son is still at home at the moment as they still have not sorted him out with his statment at a school quite yet, but he is no trouble at all.

Am having a really bad night with abusive txts from ex tonight. I really can't cope with it. He actually wants me to provide money, his reason is she needs a bed! she stayed there for 2 mths before. I told him as he will be getting money for her from the time she goes there I will not be able to give him any money as he will have the money for her. he does not pay anything at all towards them all & the last time he came for two weeks at his Mum's I gave him altogether £260 for two of them staying about 10 days! he gave me back £60 of that before he went back. He is so nasty & turns everything round to suit him at the time, just like she does actually.

I spoke with her today & she is certainly not prepared to do alot of work to change, all those words to me the other night were just initial panic I think. Then I listened to the awful abuse that was going back & forth between my daughter's, started by the one in question of course & I just thought yes just follow through with plan. Why shouldn't I have a peacful life & my other two need peace too. I need to remember the difference it made to them when she was not here for that two months & how we ALL felt panic at her return.

Am bit frightened at the thought of ex & his GF staying in a B&B in the village soon. I am hopfully going up to see BF next wk/end while they all go to nanny's, a rare moment! I will be finally getting locks done before I leave just incase he turns up a week early & has been making plans with his Mum, maybe why she said she could have them for all I know.

What will become of her? & would keeping her here or moving her there make any difference? I just don't know the answer.

Pansy

Posted on: June 6, 2010 - 9:03pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

There isn't a definitive answer, Pansy, that's what is so difficult. What I do know, however, is that her dad's involvement is making things worse for you at the moment. Why should you give him money to buy her a bed? I presume he will receive the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit for her if she lives with him.If he and his girlfriend can afford to stay in a B& B rather than with his Mum then they can afford to buy a bed.

I know it is difficult but try to ignore abusive texts or just send one that says "I am not prepared to respond to abuse. When you are able to talk about this in a civilised fashion then I will respond" (in the same way as we take charge with our children, sometimes we have to take charge with other adults too)

Posted on: June 7, 2010 - 7:19am

sadsy

Pansy,
you are lovely, devoted mum. It has taken considerable courage to stop the years of abuse from teenager and partner and break the pattern.

Stick with it, she may thrive with her dad, as they are so alike.

Don't give ex any more money. He can use his booze money to buy daughter a bed. Grrr.

Seek out the sun today :)

Posted on: June 7, 2010 - 12:34pm

Pansy

Daughter had calmed down about going there & has constantly been on the phone with her Dad's GF sorting out what the rules will be, made me laugh, they are no different to mine! But I am the bad Mum.

Trouble is now she does not want to carry on going into her knew school because she knows she is going, & she is saying that the longer she is waiting the harder it is, & is starting to not want to go again. He has told her she can not go until the summer holiday, but he is coming to stay in our village for a few days on the 18th, next week & she wants to go back with him then, I think it would be best but don't know if he can be moved. Must get locks changed very soon, he took key & never gave it back saying he'd lost it.

Am having a nice break this weekend. They are all going to stay with mother-in-law & BF is coming here, so we can have a peacful weekend together.

Have been in an awful state all week long worrying about if daughter will be ok with ex & how she will turn out because of it, worrying about how I have probably scared her by not wanting her here & wondering if some of it is my fault, but all I know & have known for the last 8 mths is that I need her gone so that I can recover. I have been unable to function as I used to & been getting worse all that time. I need to get myself back together.

thank you all for your support, I will keep you updated.

Pansy

Posted on: June 8, 2010 - 10:09am

hazeleyes

Hi Pansy, definately have the locks changed. Its good that your daughter has calmed down over things, and hopefully that will make your life easier for a while, her accepting things I mean. Now she's agreed to it, of course she wants it to happen 'now'. Maybe the ex will change his mind and take her next week, or he could stick to his guns, and make things difficult for you a while longer, and not take her until the Summer hols. If thats the case, then deep breaths for only another 7 weeks, but I can understand that it seems an age away for you.

Hope you get a relaxing weekend with BF.

Take care

Alison

Posted on: June 8, 2010 - 10:53am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pansy I have just read your message and it sounds as though you are in such a difficult place.

You say that you know that a Contract would be a good thing, but unless you are in a good place it is very hard to implement it.

I also wanted to say that although your daughter is being increasingly difficult, please remember that she is going through a horrible time too. I am not saying this to make you feel guilty, but for you to know that she is probably not happy at all and doesn't know how to fix it either. It sounds as though you have both been very let down by your local services.

Now is the time to reach out to all services possible, I have put some links here, you may think some of them are irrelevant, however call them or get online with them, any extra information you can get will make you feel more empowered.

Contact a Family they have a free helpline number and provides support, advice and information for families with disabled children, no matter what their condition or disability.

The Advisory Centre for Education (ACE) also has an advice line, they are a national charity that provides advice and information to parents and carers on a wide range of school based issues including special education needs and attendance.

Young Minds fantastic support commited to improving the emotional wellbeing and mental health of young people and empowering their carers.

This is about support for you supporting your daughter. I completely understand you wanting your ex to take her off your hands for a while, however, he is not being very supportive and although this is sooo wearing, it would be great for you to find answers for yourself and your girl.

PS. Don't give him any money, if he knows you are desperate for a break from your daughter, he will try anything to get extra booze money. if he does not support you financially, where does he expect you to get money from??

Posted on: June 8, 2010 - 11:07am

Pansy

Hello Anna,

yes, it is knowing how much pain she is in that is the cause of me being in a state at the moment. I am very aware of how much pain she is in & how much more pain I am causing her by not wanting her here & by making her go when she does not want to. It is also why I am having abuse thrown at me by her Dad & why her Grandmother (his Mum) is no doubt furious with me. But one of the reasons she must go is for her sake as well as for the sake of her long suffering siblings & me who is not able to continue with life unless I get a break from the abuse & stress I have suffered for many yrs. I do not want her there for a short break, she needs to stay there & finish her schooling there. I would not have her back here to live unless she was a changed person or suffering at their hands there & only then would I have her back with social services envolvment & a contract drawn up with their help.

It is the most painful thing in the world to see someone suffering & not be able to reach them or make them understand that their suffering is due to their own actions, to watch them self destruct & make things worst for themselves each day, to listen to them blamming everyone in the world for what they have caused themselves but see they truly believe it is not them. The hand that knocks them down is their own but they cant see it & there is nothing that you can do to change it, you know they are in pain but you cant help because they think it's your fault.

I lived 17 yrs like that & this time last yr I was forced to let go, thank god!

Now I have to do it again or go under no matter how painful it is for her or me as it is the only way forward.

Thank you for the links Anna, I will look them up, she will need some support from somewhere, maybe she can find a online group to talk to that will help her through it.

Pansy

Posted on: June 8, 2010 - 12:53pm

sadsy

Pansy,
remember it is not forever. It's quite common for one child to swap to another parent to get the best for them. She has been very angry for a long time and maybe this will break the pattern of abusive behaviour which has affected you all.

Tell her you love her and always will. But it is best for her that she live with her dad for a while. It may be the best thing that has ever happened for her.

Hug sy

Posted on: June 9, 2010 - 11:27am

Pansy

Sy,

thank you for all your support, you keep me going.

Posted on: June 10, 2010 - 3:16pm

Pansy

Well the latest is that ex has told daughter he will NOT make her go & live there after all if she does not want to & if I take her to social services he will NOT go & pick her up to live with him & neither will his mother! This is all just a ploy to stop me, there is no way he or his Mum would let her go into care unless they have had enough of her too, & if that is the case then I will find it discusting that they can moan about me if they can't even handel phone calls from her.

I have texted him to ask if what she has told me is correct, but have had no reply yet. I have called the solicitor who said she will write a letter giving a deadline for him to take her or I will hand her over to social services, although the reality of that is very difficult & would not be easy to do. first of all I would have to get her in the car, then have preasure put on me from them to keep her, or the other option is not let her back in the house, put her bags outside & have to deal with the scene which would follow in our lovely quiet village! I can't think of an easy way to do it if I'm forced into this. I hope it will not come to this!

We had a terrible time yesterday. I let my daughter go with my 16yr old daughter to town after school, & 14 yr old wore a very short skirt which me & my other daughter have been begging her not to wear! she got called names & laid into a boy they know. My eldest said it was so bad she nearly called police, then my eldest had the task of trying to get her home on time, she was reffusing to move, eldest ended up flagging a taxi down & ordering her to get in, in order to get her home safe. When they got in & eldest was telling me what happened 14 yr old hit her sister very hard around the face. It was after this episode & crying & screaming on phone to her Dad that he said what he said to her.

Think I will go on some of the help sites for ODD & teenagers & see if anyone else has been in this position with trying to get their child to live with other parent.

Pansy

Posted on: June 10, 2010 - 3:40pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

It would just be good if you could connect with someone else who is coping with their child with this issue, Pansy. Contacting the solicitor is one way of you taking some control of the siutation and that sounds like a good thing. You must be exhausted. Hope you will get some resolution soon.

Posted on: June 10, 2010 - 5:08pm

Pansy

Got what I wanted & now I'm devastated! because now it's happening & I have got to do it.

Got text from ex asking me to phone so we could sort it all out. He said daughter had asked him to say that about not picking her up from ss, he had said NO. She had told his GF that all she wants is for me to love her & want her & she wants to stay.

We talked sensibly about the best way of getting her up there, the dog is going too! I will NEVER see her again! And daughter thinks I don't love her no matter what I say. I wish it could be different but it can't. It is best for us all but will be the most painful thing I have ever been through taking her there. I feel such a failure & so nasty! Maybe I am weak & selfish, how can I do this to my daughter when she wants to stay here with me? but does she? she is always telling me she hates it here & I'm terrible Mum & she treats me like she hates me. Am confused, but still know I'm doing the right thing, I think?

Pansy

Posted on: June 10, 2010 - 7:01pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Pansy

No-one can tell you what the "right thing" is to do, you have to make a decision for the whole family, not just for your daughter. You know how much the rest of you benefited when your daughter lived with her dad before. You have been pushed to the limit.

When you say you will never see her again, I presume you mean the dog and not your daughter?

You need to keep in touch with your daughter, with letters and phone calls and always say "I love you", and tell her that you have her best interests at heart.

Take care

Posted on: June 11, 2010 - 4:09pm

Pansy

Hello Louise,

yes I do mean the dog, lol

Although as far as my daughter is concerned right now I won't see her again!

But of course I know that won't happen, although she may attempt it for a while, I'm prepared for that.

Yes, I am going to write her a nice letter to say everything that I want her to know & realise. of course she may rip it up so I will be giving two copies to her Dad. One for her to have when he thinks the time is right & another for him to keep incase she decideds to destroy it & of course a copy on file here.

I will also be writing a report with all her history from childhood until now, which I am going to take to my Dr & ask her to put it on file, so that it will be there for any medical things, as I am hoping her Dad will continue with getting her help. I will also give him copy of that.

I am hoping I will be able to enjoy my time with her in the future, when & 'if' she visits. She will gwt a computer soon & be able to skype with us all every day if she wants to, so I'm sure this will help.

Crying myself to sleep most nights now. ex picking her up in about two weeks, we are sorting out the date now.

I will keep dog a bit longer then take her & rest of daughter's stuff up in the summer.

I could not possibly do the drive in the state I will be in & I could end up with her having a fit in the car, which has happened before. At the moment she is saying she will not go & will run away.

will keep you posted. Thank you all for your support!

Pansy

Posted on: June 11, 2010 - 5:18pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Pansy

You have really thought about all the things that can be put in place, well done. That's a great idea to write the whole medical history, that way, wherever she lives, the information will be to hand.

We are all here to support you through the coming weeks :-)

Posted on: June 12, 2010 - 7:24am

hazeleyes

Hi Pansy. I can't even imagine what you are going through. Sending lots of hugs.

Take care

Alison

Posted on: June 12, 2010 - 8:27am

Pansy

Hello,

well weekend with BF over, he gone home today. I was especially shaky today because of all I have to face this week. Daughter going next Tuesday the 22nd! a week before ex walked out a yr ago. Dad is coming to get her by coach, there is no way I could do a drive like that in the state I will be in. It would be hard on us both. so with only a week to go, she is staying off school now so we can spend time sorting through her stuff together & have a couple of days out. she seems to have accepted it, although still not happy about it. I now have a week of watching her say goodbyes to family & friends. First was to BF this morning.

I will take the dog & my son up with some of her stuff just before they break up for summer hols if possible. I am hoping that BF may be able to come & share the drive & give me support, but with all that is going on his life it may not be possible & i know I am asking to much, so am trying to think of a plan B.

Although it is possible that the dog may not go now as we had news over the weekend that GF of ex is pregnant!! I knew that was coming, she is only 26! & has no children.The girls reactions were not good as it was their worse nightmare come true, but seem to be ok now. It does of course give daughter something to look forward to if she can get used to the idea & I think she is coming round as she has been constantly on the phone to his GF talking about baby stuff.

Also had my decrree thingy (what's it called?) through, so only 6 wks & am a Miss again. Maybe they will get married now.

Has been an emotional weekend. BF made it nice for kids last night & got drinks & fire going out in the garden & got a story going. we all stayed up late & they thought it was great! I have not the strength to do things like that at the moment, am so fragile. Don't know what I would have done without him this weekend! :)

Pansy

Posted on: June 15, 2010 - 9:51pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Pansy

You are certainly on an emotional roller coaster at the moment. Glad BF was so much help and the childend enjoyed their evening. The next few days will be difficult but try to see how short the time is now and make some nice memories for her to take up to Scotland. There are only six days and then you can start to recover! Once you have recharged your batteries you will be able to think much more clearly about Plan B.

Posted on: June 16, 2010 - 6:56am

sparklinglime

I hope you have a peaceful week sorting through the things.

Posted on: June 16, 2010 - 8:34am

hazeleyes

I hope you and your daughter can have an nice week together. It will of course be very emotional for her saying goodbyes, but it sounds like she is excited about the new baby, and will perhaps make the move easier for her. How are the other children handling things?

Posted on: June 16, 2010 - 12:25pm

Pansy

LOL !!

'How are the children handeling it'

we have ALL been reminded regularly why she is going today! children are saying they can't wait, buy of course they are sad & upset too as it is a change in our life again.

It will be terribly upsetting but I know in the weeks ahead we will all once again see the amazing difference in our lives without her here, like we did when she was gone at xmas for 2 mths. we had all got so used to it that we all said we had not realised the full effect she had on us until she was gone & we all said we felt quite worried at her return. The good thing is the children have remembered this & they know that even though it's sad it is best for us all. It is easy to forget though how bad things are when she is good for a day or two, it's because we love her.

I am feeling more strength today & much better than I was. I know I can get through it. Have not had time to do letters yet though & really want to get it out the way asap.

Pansy

Posted on: June 16, 2010 - 4:45pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Wishing you well over the coming days, Pansy, and that this will be a positive move forward for all of you, including your daughter

Posted on: June 17, 2010 - 8:04am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Dearest pansy, I have not been on the boards for a week and just catching up now and my heart cries for you.

You are being so brave and so strong and absolutely doing the right thing. I could hear your pain in your last message to me and I am sorry to have raised such fearful reactions. Of course you have been living with this for many many years and it sounds as though you know your daughter inside out. The pain of not being able to reach out to her, to get her to hear you and let you guide her is heart wrenching, I can not begin to imagine.

I feel really pleased for you that the crunch has come, it takes a strong woman to battle on like you have, for the good of her, yourself and your other children. This may be feeling incredibly difficult now, but I am sure very soon it will feel so very right.

I am very pleased that your ex has taken his share of the responsibility.

You mention that you haven't had time to do the letters to her yet and you really want to get it out of the way.

I wondered if you could perhaps just write a note for now, tuck it into her suitcase, just saying that you love her and thinking of her.

Then when you have had a few days of quiet, write the letter. You probably have so much you want to say to her, you want to word it right and for it to come straight from the heart, so rather than 'getting it out of the way' , perhaps when you are feeling a little more positive about her, the situation and the future, the letter will flow freely and be filled with love rather than desperately trying to reach out before you lose her. Do you know what I mean??

Posted on: June 17, 2010 - 6:10pm

Pansy

Hello Anna,

thank you so much for your words. I wrote a post yesterday but then lost it, why does that always happen to me!

Yes, I will write a note as my head is not clear enough for letters at the moment.

Yesterday I got an appointment for her finally!!! for two days after she would have gone! I could scream. I will phone him tomorrow & see if I can go in anyway & if he can reffer her to someone in scotland. It is with a clinical child psycologist.

we have a couple of days left of seeing people. I am a bit stronger now as I have been reminded a few times why she has to go, but clearly she is worried & upset. she slept in bed with me last night & I stroked her head until she fell asleep. sigh..

Pansy

Posted on: June 18, 2010 - 10:21pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Pansy

How frustrating, to get that appointment just too late, hope you get the referral you want.

Stay strong and focused and make the next few days as nice as possible, it's a new start for all of you

Posted on: June 19, 2010 - 6:38am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pansy, how lovely to have the chance to stroke her head to sleep, a reminder of all that she means to you. This is only for the time being and so much can change as she grows.

Is the 22nd absolutely set in stone, is it worth taking her to the clinical child psychologist before she goes? Did you get to speak to them and re-arrange an appointment, or can you visit on your own?

I lost a long repsonse to someone the other day and I was pulling my hair out, but when I clicked the Back button, fortunately it was still there :)

I hope that you are enjoying each others company today and you both share how important you are to each other. Good luck tomorrow.

Posted on: June 21, 2010 - 4:11pm

sparklinglime

Thinking of you.

Posted on: June 21, 2010 - 11:26pm

Pansy

Hello everyone & thank you so much for thinking of me during my difficult time, it is actually very comforting to know people are thinking of you.

I had the most terrible last 24 hrs with her! she threw a fit, can't even remember what for now, but she was determined to leave me the biggest mess possible to clear up when she'd gone! stuff everywhere. she did apologise eventually & she did pick it all up after I took away her netbook my mother in law had given her & locked it in the car until she had cleared the mess.

I still havn't cleared up the mess in her room (general mess) & taken out the furniture.(And it's not likely to happen until after my b/day as BF has put present in there un-wrapped!!! so I can't even go in there!) It will be going back as a living room now & she will stay either on a futon bed downstairs or on one in her sisters room when she comes to stay.

It was a hard day, but we managed to keep it normal & make short goodbyes. I put a card into her bag that told her I loved her as much as the others & that she was strong & powerful & had a lot of good in her that she needed to put all her strength into. cant remember exact words.

Am feeling quite down, it's that time of year & all the reminders are there. MJ died on the 25th, my b/day on the 28th then 2 days later on the 30th I found out & he walked out. But life has got to be going in the right direction & everything that happened was for the good! but because it's that time of year I feel very frightened something may happen again, silly I know!

Bf has been wonderful & keeps me going! I think I keep him going too, but sometimes it's hard when we are both so fragile & sensitive. I have stressed him out & now he is asleep.

Still have new bed to put together & grass to mow. went to Nandos today with BF & son, beach tomorrow maybe & BBQ with parents invited in my garden on Monday for my b/day, is also celebration for 16 yr old daughter who would have taken her very last exam that day, yipee! More Pimms & late night fire.

Pansy x

Posted on: June 26, 2010 - 8:15pm

hazeleyes

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PANSY for tomorrow. I hope you all have lots of fun. xx

Posted on: June 27, 2010 - 8:26am

sparklinglime

I'm sure you'll have a great birthday Pansy.

Posted on: June 27, 2010 - 7:26pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Happy Birthday to our dear Pansy.

Here is hoping that the worst of the stress is behind you and you are now moving into a new phase of life, where you get some time for YOU and that things become more settled.

Have a lovely day :-)

Posted on: June 28, 2010 - 7:30am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Happy Birthday Pansy!

I hope you have a lovely day, the sun is shining for you.

Let us know what you get!!

Posted on: June 28, 2010 - 9:27am

HelenT

Hi Pansy,

I'm new to the site and I hope you don't mind me butting in but a lot of what your describing reminds me of my own teenage experience; I was horrendous and left home at fifteen; my relationship with my Mum was in tatters, I had none at all with my Dad and my Mum particuarly was left feeling like she's failed (I think she's still coping with that). As an adult I understand that my parents did the best they could at all times and that they are only human too. It took me a long time to realise that and also to understand that you can love someone and hate what they do at the same time.

I dread having teenagers that behave like I did and hope that if I do I will have the strength to continue to love the person underneath the behaviour (like I now realise my Mum did).

I hope your doing ok and have had a lovely Bday in the Sun.

HelenT

Posted on: June 28, 2010 - 8:09pm

Pansy

Thank you so much Helen for telling me that about your life. It really is good to hear that you eventually understood that your parents tried their best & were human. yes it's very true to say that I love her but hate who she is a lot of the time, but I also recognise her potential to transform her powerful self into something positive, but I do fear that it may not happen. You have given me some hope with your words, also the psycologist I went to see even though she has gone now said there IS hope that with theraphy she will be able to change her emotional response to things & learn to use the different emotions, at the moment she responds with anger to everything. I am so glad for you that you can look back & be ok & understand. thank you.

B/DAY

thank you all for you good wishes. Had lovely day with parents, Nan, son & daughter, daughters BF, & My BF. Had BBQ, now we have pimms & fire in garden.

PRESENT ???

you all want to know. He has been on ebay (of course!) & I have got a fantastic cinema sound system, I can plug I pod into as well !! so we have great sound for all those films we sit & watch. The neighbours will love me!

I wondered what was all over his floor too? lots of leads I think. Got a bit complicated I think, to much so for me to explain. main thing is it works. yes it is quite big, but at least I have my other room back now. And yes I do like it, thank you x ;)

Pansy

Posted on: June 28, 2010 - 9:56pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pansy, sounds like your day went well! Great present, sounds like your bf is quite cool!!!

It was interesting reading HelenT's experience of being a teenager and it can give us all hope!

Have you spoken to your daughter recently? How is she coping up in Scotland?

Posted on: June 29, 2010 - 4:37pm

HelenT

Hi Pansy,

So glad I could be of help. What you said about seeing your daughters potential really struck a cord with me; with reflection that is something I see so clearly in my Mums actions; she knew that there was a different person in there if I could just let them out!

I hope things are going ok for you and your daughter now she is in Scotland. How are you finding life with her gone?

HelenT

PS: My Mum used to write me letters and although I'd rip them into little pieces and refuse to read them I remember them clearly so they must have meant a lot.

Posted on: July 2, 2010 - 7:43pm

Pansy

well she has been gone for a week & 3 days now. It is so peacful here!!

My son keeps saying how much better it feels for him, although I know he really missed her when we all went to the beach last weekend, he always played with her in the water for ages!

My eldest daughter who is 16 says it has really made a differnce to her social life already, she is much more relaxed when out with friends. often 14 yr old would really spoil things for her.

The house has stayed clean & tidy, although I still have not faced up to her room yet! She has only phoned me when she wants something so far. I guess I'm ok with that though. I suppose it will be quite a while before I really miss her as I am recovering & it will take a while, but I do miss the good bits of her & would love to give her a hug. Have been upset a few times at what I've had to do, but I have so much to do in this house of mine & have been helping BF with transcripts this week, & that has really helped because I have had no time to think about anything. Need to tackle my house next!

Helen- thank you again for your words, it is a great help. I am sure she will rip my letters up, but I know she will remember them, as you said.

Pansy

Posted on: July 3, 2010 - 8:04pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi Pansy

Glad that life is more peaceful. It's understandable that you feel a mixture of emotions. No need to tackle her room till you are ready. Helen T has had some really good input for you about what it feels like to be in your daughter's position and keeping the channels of communication open sounds a really good thing.

It's great that you are thinking about the positve things you miss about your daughter as well as being glad of the new peace. When thinking about the positive, you could maybe write some of that down, make a memory book for your daughter, stick some photos in it of her, and also of the rest of you, write a poem for her, make it a project you can give to her in the future.

Be kind to yourself, Pansy, get some rest and look forward to the summer hols with your other two children.

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 8:02am

hazeleyes

Hi Pansy, glad things have settled in the household. Sounds like fun was had by all at the beach.

Posted on: July 4, 2010 - 8:05am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi pansy

I was going to say what Louise just said, it is really worth writing down those things that you miss and letting her know.

Does she have an email address? Or do you write to her by mail?

She is still young enough to get through this, it is great to read that you and your other two are finding life a little calmer. Your middle girl still needs you as much as ever and when you have had time to recover, I know you will find the strength to keep supporting her whether near or far.

Thanks for keeping us updated.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:33pm

HelenT

Hi Pansy,

I love the idea of a memory book, it might be a nice chance for you to remember the fun bits too. It sounds like things are improving fro you in some ways even if they are getting harder in others.

I have replied to your post in 'phone tapping'.

HelenT

Posted on: July 10, 2010 - 7:37pm

jud88hanne

I suggest you have to take her to a therapeutic boarding school. There is no such thing as too late for you. You can still cure that. You can still help her. Don't stop and don't loose hope. You can still do it. Just have confidence, communicate with her and give her the love that she needs.

(Note from Moderator: I have edited out a link here as it was about schools in the USA and also involved fees: it is not permitted to link to commercial organisations without prior consent from SPAN)

Posted on: February 4, 2011 - 8:50am