I NEED ADVICE PLEASE READ

alice09

I recently found out i am 4 weeks pregnant. Me and the Dad havent been seeing each other long and he has said he will be there to see his child but doesnt want anything with me anymore because it will be too"complicated!" we both work full time but he doesnt have the money to support me properly. I turned 19 in august and live in the city 30miles away from my family. over the last year i have been in and out of hospital with a medical condition that will make it difficult for me to have children and even my doctor was really please to hear the knews. My sister has the same thing and has been trying for 6 years. I have the support of my best friend who lost a baby last year and understands this is a very hard and complicated decision to make. I love children and have a 4year old god son but am i ready. I dont sleep at night. i dont feel hungry and the dad hasnt spoke to me for 4days. he clearly isnt interested now. He wants me to get rid of the baby although I know once the baby is born he will love the child but can i do it! i dont know... I need help and advice. i feel lost.
do i keep it or do i go the other way and risk having problems in the future.
Please tell me what u think.
Anna

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 12:34am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello alice09

Fistly welcome and it is good to see you here. You have a lot of different questions whirling round in your head right now. On the one hand, you are worried about bringing up this child on your own and on the other hand you are wondering if this will be your only chance to have a child. Certainly I will say to you that if you decide to have the baby, do not assume any help from the father...although moneywise he will have to provide some support through the Child Support Agency, emotionally and contact-wise he is not legally obliged to contribute. So you need to make the decision without him, whatever his view on it.

I am concerned to hear that you are not eating, Even if you cannot manage a meal, try to have a piece of fruit or some wholewheat cereal, a piece of cheese or some baked beans, it's important for your own health, whatever you decide about the baby

You say your family live 30 miles away. Do you think they would be supportive? Are your parents still around? What friends do you have locally who can help you?

Couple of things for you to look at: http://www.mariestopes.org.uk/AbortionCounc.aspx This is an online tool to help you get your thoughts in order and the organsation (Marie Stopes) can provide counselling. Another helpful site is http://www.pinkfridge.com/lal_pregnancy/teens.htm

We are here, too, to support you and do keep posting and letting us know how you are doing

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 7:46am

hazeleyes

Hi alice09
Welcome to One Space.
I realise that you are going through a tough time at the moment, but for now, try and put aside the ex and his feelings. You have an extremely emotional and huge decision to make. If you did decide on the termination, be 100% positive that this is yours (and only your )decision. Don't be bullied into it by anyone. Being a single parent is hard, but it can be done, with or without the support of your ex.
It must be so confusing for you right now, so maybe write all thoughts and feelings down too.
You do have to eat something though. Whatever your decision, you still have to stay strong for yourself.
Keep posting, and we will give you all our support no matter what.
Take care
Alison
x :)

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 12:32pm

sparklinglime

Online

I'd just like to say hello as well, and send some virtual hugs your way.

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 1:23pm

Claire-Louise

Hi Alice09
Welcome to Onespace, I hope you get the support, advice and friendship you are looking for here. I can really sympathise for you are the moment as you have a tough decision to make, which is made even more complicated by the medical condition you mentioned.
I agree that you really ned to think about it from your own point of view, not your partners so that you can be content with the decision that you make. A list of all the pros and cons might help you to sort things out in your head. I find writing things down really helps.
You said your family live 30 miiles away, whihc is not far, do they know about this? Are they being supportive?
Speak soon
C-L

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 4:24pm

alice09

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all your replies. You're all so right i am very confused right now. I have so many things to think about and so many things planned with my friends such as moving in together holidays etc I'm a very outgoing person and like to do things on a wim. I have so many fears that i wont be me anymore. I dont want to sound selfish or even be sefish because this is my childs life im questioning. My friends all have mixed reviews. I have some close friends with children who say they would never go back but they are mid 20's with partners and other close friends who say im still very young and should really think hard! (which means they dont think its not the right time to have a baby)
My closest friend asked me if i would be having this baby if i didnt have PSOS and i didnt have an answer. Iv read so many horror stories about people getting an abortion and not being able to get pregnant years later. My mind is racing! I really dont know what to do.

What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Iv also had some pains in my stomach so iv been to the hospital in the last few days they said everything is ok now after having blood tests and internal scans. They actually said everything was great and baby is growing very well better than normal.
My friend is 39 she lost a baby at my age and she said to me it just wasnt her time. well maybe this is my time, my baby is healthy and growing very fast.
what if i throw away the perfect card which is delt to me! i feel so lost!

my mum lives about 230 miles away but my dad, brother and sister live 30miles away they would support me as much as they can but it would be difficult.

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 9:15pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Dear alice09

I really can't say what I would do in your shoes, and nor can anyone else. Do have a look at those websites I mentioned earlier. Alisoncam is right, we will be right behind you, whatever you decide, and parenting alone is hard and also rewarding. You're not selfish in wanting to have some life of your own.

Have you managed to eat a bit today?

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 9:28pm

hazeleyes

Hi alice09
Its great that you have lots of people that you can turn too, but it has to be your own decision. You've still got time on your side, (you're very early in the pregnancy). I'm sure things are going round and round in your head right now.

Quote:

I have so many fears that i wont be me anymore.

Of course you will be you, but you'd also be a Mum.
Try to get some rest, food, and sleep. I really do know how you are feeling.
Take care, and keep in touch
Alison
x :)

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 9:44pm

lindsaygii

It sounds very, very hard, and it's even worse than any other problem, isn't it? Because the clock is ticking. You don't have all the time in the world to think it through, unfortunately. Although as Alison says, you are still very early on, so some time...

I wrote a load of stuff, then deleted it. Instead of all that I think what you are asking is; 'is this my only chance of a baby?'. If it is, you'll keep it, if not, you probably will want to wait till you're with a better man, and more established in life.

Please don't go looking for answers about your medical situation on the internet. It is great at everything except medical issues. There are a hundred scare stories for every one decent bit of info, and most medical forums are hotbeds of hypochondriacs and fools. I don't mean this place - we're just single parents who support each other with the day to day. We're lovely! :)

You need to speak properly with your doctors about how this pregancy reflects on your fertility. Were they wrong about your condition before, has this changed things, if you don't have this baby are your chances more or less in the future? Get that straight, and if you aren't happy or clear at the end, ask for a second opinion, and insist on it.

For me - if you go ahead with the pregnancy - being in your shoes more or less exactly, I'd say the most important thing of all is having your family around you - or you around them. (I just had a baby to a man who isn't interested in his son and who refused any contact from me being less than two months pregnant, so I am more or less where you would be in a year if you go ahead.)

Having a baby is pure hell for the first few weeks. Women with partners have a really hard time of it. I can't imagine doing it alone. Luckily for me I didn't have to - I moved back in with my mum (at age 41!) for three months. That was the main thing that got me and the baby through. Now, hard as it is (he is six months and his dad hasn't even seen him), the baby and I love each other, and we know each other well enough to get on, and get through the day. Actually, we have a right laugh! :) If I had been on my own for those first few weeks, trying to shop, and cook, and clean and wash AND learn about my new son, I don't think I could have done it.

I wish you all the luck in the world, whatever you decide to do. Termination is very very sad and it never leaves you, but you know, sometimes it is the right answer. But babies can be the right answer too. And when they come along, everyone always loves them.

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 10:26pm

shortie2

Welcome along alice09.

I believe in the saying now that any man can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father. (sorry if that sounds harsh, it aint meant to be)

Am pleased to hear your pregnant. You'll cope really well wether he is in your life or not. My partner isnt my life anymore and i have no trust on him whats so ever. Am glad you have support from your best friend and am sure your family will support you in everyway they can. i told my, now ex, i had no feelings for my daughter(those feelings are now coming to me). He told me to put her up for adoption!!! He knows my feelings on adoptions, abortions etc.

Do what you think is best hunni. Am sure everything will work itself out in the end. You'll get alot of support and advice on here as we are all in or have been in similair situations.

wendy xx

Posted on: December 15, 2009 - 10:32pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi alice09

I am just going to put a spanner in the works here.

Someone mentioned that having a termination was very very hard. This doesn't necessarily have to be the case.

You say that you had plans with friends for the future. Well you can book the operation and by the end of that day, your plans can start taking life again.

When you have a child, I was the same age as you, it is hard work, lonely, living on the breadline, feelings of guilt of not being able to provide all that you wish for your child. My daughter is 15 now and I wouldn't have had it any other way. However its not easy. If this is your only chance, then I can understand you wanting to go for it, but if your body is able to recreate again, then how about living a little, there is plenty of time for family and responsibilities.

I say this as I spent most of my 20s seeing others doing stuff that I should have been doing, however, when I am 40 my daughter will probably have left home and I can do all the travelling I want and still be young and gorgeous!!

Ultimately the choice is yours. Don't consider your ex in your decision, its about you and only you. In your heart you know the answer, I have had a child and I have had an abortion, both times when questioned at the doctors, I let my heart speak and both times it has been the right decision. I have never regretted the abortion and never dwell on it either, it just wasn't the right time for me.

Keep in touch, you have had lots of different opinions here, it is a difficult decision. If you terminated, how would you feel next year? Free or at a complete loss?

Posted on: December 16, 2009 - 12:11pm

hazeleyes

I would just like to say, that age 40, I had my son, and was full time carer to my Mum who had a terminal illness. It was hard work, the shopping, cleaning, day to day stuff, looking after a new born, and my Mum. I also had a c section! Yes, it was tiring, but I wouldn't say it was pure hell for me. (have to say though, I had a good baby, so that probably made a huge difference)!
I also had a termination at a much younger age, it was the wrong decision for me, and I regretted it, which is why I say, you have to be 100% sure, and to decide for yourself, and not be influenced by others.
Take care all
Alison
x :)

Posted on: December 17, 2009 - 12:27pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello again alice09

There are many different responses here and I guess it goes to show that everyone is different and also I would like to say to you, however you feel personally then that is Ok and acceptable :D

Posted on: December 17, 2009 - 2:12pm

alice09

Hi Everyone.

Thank you so much for all your advice it really helped me think everything through.

I just wanted you all to know im keeping my baby. Im really excited now i cant wait to go through all the stages of pregnancy.. Yes im so scared but everything will work out fine. Thank you again for everyone who has taken the time to comment it has really ment a lot to me.

I wish the best for everyone!
&
Have a excellent christmas! x

Posted on: December 18, 2009 - 8:33pm

lindsaygii

Wow, new baby!!

Hey, if it's a girl, you can call it One Space! ha haahaa.

Have a lovely, lovely (mostly sober, dammit) Christmas, and do let us know how you're getting on. :)

Posted on: December 18, 2009 - 8:39pm

hazeleyes

Hi alice09
I am so glad you are excited, and you sound like you are over the moon about the different stages. Now I shall say, congratulationsxxx. Don't be scared, it will be amazing for you, and I wish you so much luck. You have all our support, and your friends, it will be absolutely great. Keep in touch, and let us all know how you are doing through different stages.
Take care, and keep eating!!!! Have you and the bump a lovely lovely Christmas
Alison
x :)

Posted on: December 18, 2009 - 11:05pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi alice09

I am glad that we helped a bit, at what is a really confusing time for you. I am glad that you have made a decision, and wish you all the very best, please stay with us as we can give you support and help and you can learn all about parenthood from the inside......heh heh

Posted on: December 19, 2009 - 7:56am

Claire-Louise

Hi alice09
Good to hear you have made a decision and sound like you are over the moon with it which is great. I am glad the postings here helped in that decision as it is a really hard decision to make. Well done! And now you can concentrate on you and the baby. How many weeks are you? How are you feeling physically and mentally? What are your plans for xmas?
So many questions!
Cheers and congratulations
C-L

Posted on: December 19, 2009 - 6:32pm

sparklinglime

Online

Congratulations alice09 from me too.

Sending a load of best wishes your way.

Posted on: December 19, 2009 - 6:51pm