Hello Lisa.
First of all you are welcome to One Space :)
Your situation sounds very difficult, with your daughter and coping with the pregnancy. I am gathering you are not married and so matters about the children will not automatically go through the courts with a divorce.
You say that you can't understand why your partner still wants to be involved with the pregnancy but I would take this as a good sign that he does still want parental involvement even if the two of you are no longer together. However, I wonder how upsetting this will be for you at this stage, having to see him etc? I understand your concerns about the smoky atmosphere and big dog at the grandparents but even if he does not have her overnight, there are lots of "neutral" places for him to see her in the daytime, whether that is a park or a play pub or the like. Does he realise that his daughter misses him and it may spoil his relationship with her if he does not see her? Are there any other family members or friends who could have a chat to him about this? or provide a place for him to take your daughter sometimes? Please bear in mind that it is better for your daughter if this is done in a conflict-free way. If he rings you and just wants to see her at the drop of a hat you could say I am sorry we are busy at the moment, please give me 24 hours notice in future. There are mediaiton services avaialble if you can't agree and also there are places called Child Contact Centres where he could see your daughter on neutral territory if there is no other solution. Sadly, however, you cannot FORCE him to see your daughter :cry:
With regard to money, if you are not working you are entitles to claim Income Support, please contact your local Job Centre. If you are working more than 16 hours then any working Tax Credit etc you are getting will probably be increased. If you are claiming this already as part of a couple you need to phone them and tell them that you are now single.
I do hope you are able to get some suppport for YOU in all this. Would it help to talk things through with a counsellor? You can find one through your GP. Try to stay as calm as you can as this will be better for your daughter. Use any child free time to rest and look after yourself
Take care and let us know how you get on
Louise :D
Hi Mayjack
I am interested to hear how you are getting on. You say elsewhere that you feel a little stronger evbery day, that's fantastic :) and don't worry if you seem to backslide sometimes, it happens and then you eventually get back on track.
The question of your boy's dad's visits is a very tricky one. I wonder if it is a good idea to put something in writing? (easier than saying it sometimes) You could write a letter saying that you know that even though you have separated, both of you love your boy dearly. Say that you have no wish to keep him away from his son but that routine is very important to children and you therefore need 24 hours notice of any contact time. If this letter is ignored then you have to stick to your guns if he phones saying he wants to see your son that day, just say "As I said, I need 24 hours notice, would tomorrow be convenient? " If he has a busy job he manages to organise his diary enough in advance for THAT, so I am sure he can do so for his son. In fact the issue really is that he is disrupting YOUR life and as you are separated he does not have a right to do that. However, the argument about your son's routine may prove more persuasive ;)
Louise
Thats great news Mayjack, onwards and upwards! :)
How are you doing, Lisa?
Thankyou Louise
Me and my son are doing really well, my ex is now agreeing to give a weeks notice when he wants contact and he is now having him over night so things are alot better, I get some time to myself and my son gets quality time with his dad.
Financial he has paid maintenance regularly since the day he left so now we have the contact issue sorted things should be alot easier.
That is brilliant!
Jane
Hi mayjack, great to hear some positive news on the contact front and maintenance! Not all relationships with children involved have to end in absent parent and poverty!
Lisa how are you doing at the moment? Have you managed to arrange anything with your ex? How about your pregnancy? Are you able to enjoy it a little?
Wise words, kls ;) The insecurity of "not knowing whether you're coming or going" is very hard but it can stop you getting on with your lfe. Just take one day at a time and enjoy your daughter. How is the pregnancy progressing? hope you haven't got too much sickness etc, that can be a nightmare with a toddler to look after as well. You must take care of yourself and you will get through this time.
Louise :)
Hi Lisa
Congratultions on your pregnancy. I'm just sorry that you've found this out at such a difficult time. Things can be so hard in the early days of separation until things have settled down. I can understand why you're so angry too. My ex chose a new life and told me to deal with it - I did, and am happily single ;)
In my case, ex will text me the day before he wants to see the children. We have four children and split up in 2004. He has found it difficult to fit in seeing the children on a regular basis. Changing things to a 24 hour notice thing almost 2 years ago has worked well for the children. If we're busy I just tell him so and he doesn't see them.
It almost seems as if he hasn't thought through contact issues. If you can - even if its by letter, say you want to establish set contact times, and try to see if you can agree times that means your daughter will see her dad regularly and get into the routine of him not living with you. Even if he does agree though, you can't make him stick to it. As far as I'm aware, not a lot the parent with care can do to make the non-resident parent see the child/ren.
Maybe he could agree to the 24 or 48 hour notice thing, stating times which could well work for you both, especially as your daughter is so young. While its still not overnight contact, it might be enough to calm the present situation down. If you can somehow meet to talk about contact and maintenance - which are considered as seperate issues - you might be able to get a few things agreed for you daughter that could make things easeir for you too.
In time, I'm sure he will find his own place, then probably overnight contact could well be taken up. He can't be particularly comfortable with his parents.
I guess with him wanting to come to scans with the new baby that he does clearly want to be involved there. However, I do think its up to you if you want him there at the moment...
What support do you have in place? Do you have family and good friends who can help a bit? It's understandable that you're feeling confused - what a flaming shock you're having to deal with.
As for the holiday in August. If you can't afford it then cancel it. I know you lose your deposit, but taking on a debt could be a greater worry. However, if you can, then do, as I've no doubt that you'll have a good time, as even though it's only a couple of months away, a new routine will be in place.
I've found that there is possibly nothing I can say that has been fair in the way my ex has been or is, so I can't offer you a light there, I'm afraid. However, I know its all down to me and the only person I can rely on - and my children can rely on - is me. I've lost my parents and two years ago I lost my best friend, which is why it is down to me.
Little steps, and don't expect too much to settle down too soon. Accept as much help as you can, and choose battles (hope there won't be any for you) carefully. Its tiring as it is without getting worked up too much over things (as I often do!). Put your feet up and rest whenever you can. Most of all, be kind to you.
The support here is fantastic.
Do take care.