Hi beckyboo
Have you come to any decisions yet? If so how are his family taking it? Or if not, how do you feel about life now?
Keep in touch with us, we are here for you. :)
I agree with what pinkywizz has said - I've started using the terms parent with care and non-resident parent when posting.
You are doing a fantastic job with your son. I can appreciate how you feel guilt wise though, as I still do with my children's dad, even though he's the one who chooses to see so little of them - as with you, on his terms, although I do now refuse if the children have plans (I've only done this twice though!). He's reluctant to be responsible for them financially too! Just likes the nice bits.
Don't let your ex control your life. If he was playing fair, then your life would be so much easier. Having your family's support would make such a difference to you.
Hi Blusey
I wish I had a magic wand too! :D
Maybe this is one of those "make a list" scenarios, you know, where you write down the pros and cons? I know it would be an upheaval for the kids but kids are very adaptable and soon settle and make new friends and would have the benefit of extended family nearby. Another thing to consider is how easily you could get a job in the new location (am just thinking credit crunch here!) If the main problem, however, is the travelling to see Dad then are you able to do most of the legwork, at least at first? Please also bear in mind that if the children's father is paying child support through the CSA, or a CSA order, he can apply to them for a reduction in view of costs of travelling for parenting time.
Above all don't "beat yourself up" about this. Sometimes the right decision is NOT to make a decision......and the way forward can become clear almost as if we did have that wand.
Take care
Louise :)
Hi jschs
Thanks for your message, I hope it brings a little light into the world for people who are facing this dilemma, from what you say, moving to a place where you wanted to be was the best thing you did and you have no regrets.
Blusey7, moving house is one of the biggest stresses a person can go through, especially during these times when the house prices are at an all time low. So Louise's message is absolutely right though, if it can't be done at the moment, take time out from wanting it and wishing for it, your time will come.
Hi pixiponk
It is interesting to hear that a Judge considered the mothers wellbeing first, more often is the case is that the father's rights are taken into consideration, even if he has been abusive or violent to the mother or children. What part of the country did the case happen, do you know :?:
I do think that the parent with care should be considered with regards to contact, and not 'just' the children.
The stress I was put under was (and it was, I'm sure trivial to what many go through, I know) incredibly difficult to cope with, especially as it quickly followed our homelessness. In my case it was with the cancellation of contact time, and having to deal with the distress and anger of my children. It takes tremendous effort to put a calm face on with your children and keep the household running, while you know there is a 'war' in progress behind the scenes.
At the end of the day, the parent with care needs to be well to care for the children.
There are many factors here. Anecdotally, I hear of parents walking out of children's lives or only bothering with sporadic contact, leaving the other parent to pick up the pieces and deal with the children's upset. I also hear of parents who are desperate to participate in their children's upbringing and who are obstructed in this by the parent who has the main day-to-day care. Both situations are desperately sad for the children and can stem from the very deep and real feelings that parents suffer during a separation and its aftermath. :x
Re moving abroad: someone I knew here in Yorkshire applied to take her children back to her native country in S America. The children's father tried to stop her. He won the case but she took it to the Court of Appeal in London and her case was accepted so she moved away. In her case, the main grounds for the case were related to her: more family support, the fact that the British climate made her health worse etc. and it was argued that the children would be better off with a healthier mum and extended famiy around them.
Louise
I often worry away a few days wondering what my kids are thinking and what I should say about something concerning something that their mum is/isn't doing that I think she should/shouldn't.... be doing.. blah de blah and what ever...
I stress lots sometimes... or I used to which is why I'm so much more relaxed as a parent when she isn't around, like now.
But! here's a thing that made me laugh to my self today..
I tried to engage my son (7) today in a conversation about his mum and I asked him... do you think about your mum sometimes? and he replied....
Only when you ask me about her.
oops!
I think children know more than we credit them for and what they do know they know in a way very much differently to how we, as adults with ten to twenty or how ever much years more life experience do.
My advice is tell them, what he says and then ask them what they think and go from there... They are never too young to understand.. they have to start somewhere and the sooner that is the better understanding they will have sooner : ) If you get what I mean..
good luck.
Blusey7
That letter would have made me so angry! Wait until you are calm to answer it, that is the best tip I can give you. I agree with Bubblegum that you could share this proposal with your children but take care that your son does not feel any more rejected than he did before. Your hugs and reassurance were a great idea!
That's apalling.
I'm stunned. Your poor son...
I take it your ex's partner doesn't have a daughter?
I think he should go and whistle. In my opinion, the siblings need to be together.
My lot had to face the house being sold and losing everything to pay of ex's debts (only my oldest knows why me had to sell, as he felt he was old enough at 18 to know). We faced homelessness when the landlord sold the house we were renting, and we had the joy of getting the key to this place, which gave us hope while we waited for the housing association to get it ready (over 8 weeks). We faced it together...
Loads of hugs. And as Louise has said, be calm before you answer it...
Hi Bluesy7, welcome back, it sure is nice to see you and to hear that you have taken the plunge and put your house on the market, I am really pleased for you.
Interesting that your ex has put up so little resistance until Thursday, maybe he was making his own plans.
Although I think that they are not too young to understand, only you know whether to tell the children or not and how they will react, although I can't imagine how you would tell your son what his dad said. I think previously you have said that the 'girlfriend' doesn't get on with your son, I guess this has a major influence on your ex's thinking
I also wonder if your daughter might want to live with her dad for 6 months? Have you thought about this? Is it a fair suggestion? Does she want to move? Is she excited?
I would suggest that you went a saw a solicitor for the free half an hour that you are entitled to and find out if there are any legal implications that you need to consider, just so you know all the facts, if possible I wouldn't discuss this any further with the ex if possible, do it via letter.
You will get through this bluesy7 and soon enough you will be in your new house surrounded by supportive friends and family :)
Is your ex planning to have them over the easter break? Will he say anything to them?
Hi Beckyboo
Our happiness is vital in raising our children successfully, if we are feeling strained, unhappy and unsupported we can only pass those negative feelings on. We may try and fake it and put up a facade, but children seem to have a sixth sense about these things!
It sounds as if you are feeling guilty at the thought of wanting to move to be nearer your family, who can provide you with support, in a place where there will be more job opportunities and where you feel you can provide/create a happier life for yourself? You and your son have a right to this.
You say that things are difficult with your ex’s family, they may be fearful that you might move away, but if you are clear about why you are moving back, it is their responsibility to respect your decision and discuss what arrangements that suit you both, for them to see your son. It sounds as if you know what you want to do, but just questioning whether it is the right thing to do. There is no right or wrong about it, you need to go with your gut instinct.
It is completely natural for women to want to be near their family when bringing up a family of their own. You are lucky to have a family who you feel will be supportive.
Keep in touch and let us know how it goes when you tell them, or other worries you may have.
Has anyone else moved away from ex partners to be near their family or friends? Do you have any words of wisdom for her?