Im new here and struggling!

toptail

Im 34 and have a 4 year old daughter, her dad doesnt really see her and offers me no support. I feel trapped and low. My parents help me out when they can but Im still struggling. I feel I will never meet another man because I cant get out. Anyone else feel like this? Parenting isnt meant to be as hard and lonely as this, is it??

Emma

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 11:29am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi toptail, thanks for posting your message.

I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling trapped and low. I remember that feeling well myself, however that was now 10 years ago, but it was a very difficult time.

For starters, how is your relationship with your ex? Is it possible to communicate with him that you would like some sort of plan put in place so you, your daughter and he knows what is expected from one another?

Second, that is great that you have your parents support, but I am wondering if you have any friends close by? Do you go to play groups? For me, I went to all sorts of different places with my daughter, just to have adult conversation and meet people, it was really hard just to get out of the house sometimes, however it was worth it as I soon created a network of people that I could hang out with or call if feeling really bad.

Thirdly, a relationship is not going to fix anything. Relationships bring a whole lot of other complications with them, especially when you are parenting alone. Now is your time to find out about you and find ways to enjoy your daughter.

And yes parenting is hard, but i guess if we have a partner who is supportive, it wouldn't necessarily be lonely.

I wonder if you have looked at Your Local? You may find that you meet new people at these activities.

When things are feeling this tough, we really need to take each morning or afternoon as it comes. Treat ourselves too.

My daughter grew up so fast and because I was feeling down so much when she was small, I feel I missed so much of the fun side of her.

What do you enjoy doing with your daughter?

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:01pm

hazeleyes

Hi Emma. A very warm welcome to One Space. I would say a lot of members at times feel trapped and low, but it does pass, so you're not alone on that one. Single parenting, especially without the support of a partner, can be incredibly hard, but also very rewarding, honestly. You're extremely lucky that you have your parents to help you out when and however they can. As for meeting another man, I can identify with that one, my son is now 7, and he has never really had any man in his life. His 'sperm doner' has no input whatsoever, and i've not had a 'boyfriend'. I have given my full attention to my son, and I don't regret it. We all have to do what is right for us of course.

Please keep posting as others will be along, and will offer their support, friendship etc.

Take care

Alison

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:30pm

sparklinglime

Hi toptail

I appreciate how lonely life can be when you're on your own. That's when I started to search for online communities, and have to say they became my life line. I have also made some good friends via them too.

As the children get older, it does get easier.

I have to say that I did meet someone, but have found things easier alone. I've been on my own fro six years now, and my children are quite "old" with my youngest now 11.

The years fly by so quickly. The time has gone in a blink really, but that is looking back.

How supportive are your friends? Are they able to come to you for an evening in? My best friend was brilliant and we had such good laughs when she called round.

Sending you loads of hugs.

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 12:50pm

sadsy

Hello toptail,

firstly, well done for surviving and for coming to onespace. You are a strong mum. I remember how intense the loneliness was after separation, especially as my children were taken too.

A new relationship is very demanding. Remember there are all types of relationship, it does not necessarily need to be the intense living together thing etc. It could be friendship-based. If it was a full-on relationship. How would you react to a rejection from someone who you have fallen in love with? Or if you had to reject someone who had fallen in love with you? Or an infidelity. Or someone with their own problems and issues. It can be very emotionally draining.

Try in stages maybe:

socialise with other mum's first at children's activities. You may find this is enough to relieve the loneliness without the man thing. Also, you can swap babysitting duties with any mum friends you meet and trust. This frees you up now and again to go out for an evening.

Fortunately I have met a lovely spirit. I have been lucky.

Hug sy

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 1:33pm

stuart

Afternoon Emma hope you are feeling ok.

My name is stuart i am 37 and have 3 children.

Welcome to the site and there are lots of peeps here in a similar situation who will give you lots of support.

You will get through this its just the begining of your new start for you.

Stuart

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 4:41pm

little lady

Hello Toptail

I completely understand where you are coming from. Although my daughter did see her dad, I used to find it hard to socialise. These days I'm more content being around my friends and daughter, I dont miss men....well not at the moment. Dont get me wrong, I dont want to be alone forever but I agree with some of the other comments, sometimes it just seems easier to be on your own as relationships, (certainly new ones) do need lots of attention. I thought I missed a man years ago but once I had my friends round me and socialising with them, I realised it was just company I wanted, not a relationship.

If ever you fancy a chat feel free to get in touch. Keep your chin up chuck! Always lots of friends on here for you!

Littlelady x

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 5:23pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hear, hear, little lady!

Toptail a big welcome from me too, there's lots of friendship and support here for you and as you have already seen, everyone wants to include you so do keep posting

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 6:08pm

HelenT

Hi Toptail,

Welcome to One Space, thanks everyone for the great responses.

Being a single parent can be incredibly lonely even when there are people like parents around. Its hard not to have someone to share the high's and low's with and especially when my eldest two children were little I used to think that if I could just meet someone that would fix it (now I think that step-parenting must bring a whole realm of other challenges).

Anna's idea of local playgroups is great...what part of the country are you in? Volunteering can also be a great way to get out and meet people. Is your daughter at school yet and if so how do you find parents at school...are there any friend opportunities there?

HelenT

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 9:10pm

bee3

Hello, rings a few bells! i am 34 also with nearly 3yr old, have been single since conception! and am just about feeling ready to test the water, it is very tough and i have found it very lonely at times, the evenings, or when out with the other mums with 2.4 kids, big houses and seemingly lovely husbands, (not good for you!) of course be open to everyone but i have found myself most comfortable with other single parents and made some good friends at SPAN. I have to keep working at being happy with myself, by myself, and as a parent, and with my son, it is only through this that i feel in some ways ready to know what im looking for and feel slightly optimistic he may be out there!:0

Posted on: July 5, 2010 - 11:04pm

georgina.harber

Hi Toptail,

I know exactly what you're goind through, but don't rush into any relationship; loneliness doesn't only happen when you are on your own.

It will get better, you will survive. I too had/have no emotional/financial support, at least the time away from my daughter (at school), is mine and not demanded by someone selfish.

Keep intouch.

Georgina

Posted on: July 7, 2010 - 10:48pm

Butterfly

HI Emma, HOw are you today? I am in the same situation. I am 38 and have a 3 1/2 years old beautiful daughter. NO family support and the biological father, I have never seen him since I was 6 weeks pregnent. NO finantial support either.

I am doing it all on my own . Have 2 jobs and little time for me. A lot of my money goes in baby sitter and is not because I go out to enjoy but to work. I can not really afford to go out much and I feel very lonley and sad night and week ends.

SO you are not alone there, or shall I say, we are not the only one in this situation. It was not untill I joined One space that I have realised that it is not just me.

Also reading other unfortunate poeple story, makes me realise that mine is not too bad ,just hard. I need to learn to accept my situation and believe that one day I will be happy to be on my own and the lonleyness will dissapear and hopefully I can meet somone special some how!!!! DO not know how yet! I hope our turn will come too.

On here you can really be yourself and express your feeling and emotion knowing that you are totally undestood. It helps me a lot talking and sharing stories.

Hang in there!

Posted on: July 17, 2010 - 8:21pm