How exciting!!
:)
I don't think its trivial (I know I'm lucky...)
I think its brilliant! :)
Hi Bec
This is SO not trivial, it could be a massive shift in your life, so please do not think that this is not worth discussing with us.
The ideas put forward are great, there are so many questions tho, how much do you want him in your sons life? How much does he want to be in your sons life? etc etc. But at the moment it is early days, so I reckon you should spend more evenings together and he goes home, I know all about animal instinct and human needs etc, but once you have a new partner involved in your family situation, it can get sticky, you might find it harder to leave him, as your son may adore him, or you could end up staying in when he goes out. Oh there is so much to talk about!
At this moment tho, go out and about, introduce him to your son, invite him for supper and a film. But first and foremost your boy comes first and GB needs to know and accept that and not try to crash the party.
I think once they have met, you can gauge how much your son is interested (or threatened), the same goes for GB and maybe after a few trips and your son has seen GB makes you happy, he could stay overnight. Only you know that answers, but I could talk about this all day!!
Just take it all one day at a time, you know who comes first and who always will, so I am sure you will be guided by your best judgement. Best of luck!!
Hello Bec
You're not a "handful", you are a mum with a little boy! Plenty of single parents date and even settle down with a new partner.
It is very unusual that he is 38 and has no friends who are parents. I actually think he was quite honourable to walk away last night though. I agree, it will feel really strange having him "watch" you be a mother. And ultimately he might not be able to deal with this. To be honest, it does show he is not a parent by the very fact that he was surprised you had kept this part of your life separate. That doesn't mean it can't work, but do just go carefully and look after your heart. I do understand that you feel like breaking it off but do just try and enjoy the enjoyable bits and see what happens?
Oh my bec!
Well I feel differently to the other two posts, I actually gasped out loud!
I think he sending you mixed messages, you say that he was hinting about staying, but then turned you down?? Odd behaviour? Then he says he doesn't know how he feels about you having a son....well its not something you have just told him.
I'd be wary too. I guess there are 2 sides to it though I am going to try to be diplomatic....
He may be a genuine, considerate, thoughtful chap who is thinking about the future for himself, you and your son etc., but if I remember rightly early on he wanted you to contact him, then he told you he had to check his diary??! :o (Oops sorry, that is not diplomatic!)
But he could also be playing some kind of game, pushing and pulling you this way and that. If none of his friends have kids then maybe they are boys about town or maybe they just haven't met the right person yet :?
Don't run after him, you have everything going for you, you are independent, about to start training and young enough to be smart and gorgeous! You know what is right, as Louise said, in your heart. You don't need to be chasing him, let him make some of the moves now, the ball is in his court. You are interested but you do have better things to be getting on with than wondering what he wants from his life.
How are you this morning?
I hope its ok if I add to any confusion here :D Sorry - it's a skill I have!
The chap who is now a friend. We did go out for a while, quite seriously.
He had no children - I have four. He met them when my youngest was five and a half, eldest was twelve and a half.
He would never make any decisions with anything that involved them and would always come and tell me if they were being 'naughty' (and as he's a friend, he still does!), as he won't discipline them.
I told him he would grow to love the children - as to be fair, its the personality that they get to know. He does love them, and would do anything for my lot (except discipline them :roll: ). When my youngest broke his leg, he was here like a shot to help - it took The Git to even respond to text messages.
However. I drove me nuts that he wouldn't get involved with the children.
The stress with The Git involved made the situation too difficult for me to cope with. And if I'm honest, it was the right decision to not maintain a serious relationship.
The way I see it is enjoy today. A park is a good place to start (we went to a National Trust place with nice gardens and play area - not in the house!). I just feel that if you like him, then allow the chance for him and your son to get to know eachother. If they get on, then see how things go. However, if he doesn't get on with your son, I feel it will bring so much stress into a relationship.
Good luck with it all. Hopefully you'll have some lovely weather and the chance to all meet up with lots to do.
Hi again Bec
Don't worry, the bursting into tears isn't really a hundred steps back, it's trepidation as you cope with your first real "go" at a relationship since your split. It doesn't mean you are weak, just that you are learning fast :) Anna is right that you are fab and strong and a real "catch" so don't sell yourself short. I think it is a good idea, as sparkling said, to take the pressure off and enjoy today. I remember always "searching" for that new partner and in retrospect I tried too hard and didn't value myself enough.
Take it steady ;)
Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain)
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth.
More here.
Google is your friend. : )
Hi bec, it is great to read that the 'meeting' went well. It doesn't sound bad at all that this is a different guy, in fact it is all the better if you think about it!
From my own experience of relationships since having my daughter, all I can say is don't get in too deep too soon, we have the whole of our lives to be with that person and if we are not in too deep, then it is easier to get out! This may be cynical, but relationships are about friendship first and that is the most important part.
Something I mentioned in another post recently is about thinking of a relationship, not as one entity, but as three. There is you and your life and your interests, him and his life and his interests and then you as a couple. I think this is a great way of viewing a relationship, because if we think of two becoming one, or soul mates etc, it completely negates us as an individual and now we have children, this is really important that we keep a hold on what we believe to be important and not get too wrapped up in the romantic ideal of 'lurve'! :shock:
Hello Bec
What a shock for you! I bet it threw you totally off balance for a while. On the positive side at least you know where he stands with regard to your son and if you had carried on for a long time then your son could well have become attached to him, so a split would have been hurtful for him too :(
I did have a very simialr experience to this some years ago and I kept thinking it would work but in the end we split and I felt like a total rat because one of my boys said "Is is because we are naughty boys that he doesn't want to live with us?" and I couldn't bear that. :x
So I think you have done the right thing, well done for being so level-headed. it doesn't mean you have to stay single, however....I think he is a bit unusual not to realise that a lone parent comes "as a package" with their child(ren).
Hope you're Ok today, you know we are here if you want some support, take care.
It sounds as if it was that he "knew" about your son but having mixed so long in a childless circle, he really had little idea of what that might actually involve. Don't let it bash your confidence, Bec, it is HIS problem, not yours.....and remember what happened with your son's dad won't happen with everyone you meet. I guess you could say you have learned something really valuable here: that in the end, anyone you get involved with will need to be able to make a good relationship with your son :)
Hi Bec, aaarrghhh, I feel for you. It was great to read that you were feeling relieved last night and that you recognise that you were behaving differently towards your son, because of outside influences muddling your brain. :?
The reason you are feeling low today and thinking about your ex, is because you are feeling a loss, not necessarily the GB's fantastic personality :shock: , but what could have been and a reminder of when you felt like this before. I imagine last night was pretty stressful and everything looks bleak all over again. This is normal.
For me, when I split with a boyfriend, I always used to think about my daughters father and the pain and difficulties I went through, probably because that was the hardest split. In a way though I think that can't be bad, because I never want to be with him again and it is better to cry over him and our lost family rather than some of the losers I have met since!!
Have a read of 'The best thing about being a single parent' in our Just for Fun group, to remind yourself why living on your own, with your son, not having to worry about anyone else and having the freedom for all your choices to be yours is so fantastically great.
You have a lot going for you, you don't need a man. When the time is right, the right one will find you. :D
Just seems like so long ago that someone actually loved me and did the little stuff with me, you know, the little trips out, squeezing my hand and telling me I'm lovely!
I know bec, but you mustn't dwell on this, it is important to feel loved, but your son needs you right now and you need him. these things will come, but right now concentrate on what you do have, not what is missing.
Look after you.
FYI - I heard a few years ago that the average amount of someone parenting alone is 7 years, so time will tell!
It does not have to be forever!
Hello Bec
That was good that you were able to get away for a couple of days, it is always nice when someone else does the cooking as well. It is understandable that you have been feeling low after what happened but don't lket it get you down for too long, you have a lovely future to build (and when the builder turns up you can take a big leap forward :) )
Hope you have some nice things planned for the weekend for you and your boy
Hi Bec
Flipping builders! Don't take it personally, I think every trade is the same (I worked with a heating and plumbing firm for years - so frustrating).
Glad you had some time out with your parents. Its good to know they're there.
Take care, and hope you're able to sort out a builder.
:lol: :lol: Great plan! :lol:
Hi Bec
Life has been very hectic for you with a house move as well! Glad you have met someone nice :) I agree that your son's first sight of GB should not be on the landing, wrapped in a towel. So you are left with 3am chuck-outs in the short term and some planned weekends for your boy with your parents so you can have some private time with GB for a while. As a parent, you may feel that you don't really want GB in your son's life until you feel that GB is a long term prospect? You can explain to GB that he needs to get to know your son before stopovers BUT there is no need for him to do the Daddy thing, all you really need is for your son and GB to be friends. In the meantime, it is worth palling up with the mother of one of your son's friends and encouraging them to have him to stay overnight occasionally, in return for which you can have their child to stay. They don't have to be a single parent; they might relish a child-free night for themselves as a couple.
Good luck!