Lone Fathers

Alan

Hello My names Alan.
I'm a parent facilitator and father working in the southwest of England.
Do you find it challenging raising a daughter on your own?
Do you have the support of any female family members or friends? are they supportive or do they try and take control?
Talking honestly to our daughters is a really positive step forward, sometimes we feel that we should have all the right answers, but thats not always necessarily so!
So come on share your stories, concerns or joys here.....

Posted on: June 19, 2008 - 5:10pm

Chr1s

Hello Alan,

Not sure what a parent facilitator is but I couldn't help thinking how lucky you are with just one daughter. Like you, I live in the south west. I have a daughter (18) and 3 sons, eldest boy has gone hormonal (14), middle boy feels the maternal rejection the keenest and youngest (9) couldn't careless providing it is brightly coloured and makes farting noises (yes that age). I have given up work and university to provide full time care for my babes and am amazed at how sidelined we single dads are. Even this site seems to cater mainly for women, I noted your post alone among the many and thought I would add just a touch more testosterone to an oestrogen rich environment.

I noted your comment about family members getting involved and perhaps taking over, personally I would welcome the opportunity for some family interference, all mine are too far away so me and the kids wage a silent(ish) war over who can get away with what between ourselves. Their mother has no contact with the children and has made no attempt to see or have them in over year (this takes some explaining to middle boy especially) and so I do not have the luxury of an ex partner's tuppence worth. What happened to maternal instinct? it is surprising how many men I have come into contact with locally, whose ex's have no contact with their kids through their own choice.

In spite of the marital upheaval, my children are doing well at school and daughter is beginning to bring the occasional boy home to meet "dad". Heh heh heh..I confess the gun sight stare comes up..she is MY baby. The one big issue I have at the moment is the total inadequacy of the CSA and the weird way they seem to operate. They tell me "due to a computer error we cannot proceed with your claim, if you wish to complain we can assist clerically (huh?) to affect collection". "How long will that take"? I innocently asked. "Oh about 8-9 months" came the cheery reply. What? Which planet are they on? The ex contributes absolutely nothing financially, morally or materially yet I got pursued with a vigour that would have made the Inquisition look like a PTA meeting in the brief time she had them. Are there gender issues here?

I cope with all the usual domestic issues within the home, me and the babes muddle along with occasional storms and generally have a happy time and the only
thing I have not mastered is the noble art of ironing. Me and the iron have a love hate relationship, it loves to crease things and I hate it...I am sure it has a malevolent sentience of it's own and I am a target of it's spite. Any tips on taming the beast would be welcome. Regarding talking to daughters, apart from deciphering the "Teen Speak" we get along fine, she confides fears/aspirations readily and when she was 14 and first took an interest in hormonal "Spots" intent on contributing to the gene pool; I forewarned her with all the little lies lads tell.....this seems to have worked, it has become something of a private joke between us as to which line will get trotted out. With gentle kicking up the backside now and then she has blossomed, especially at college which inflated proud dad status anyway.

The one thing I do not have in my life at the moment, is adult conversation that does not revolve around kids. I cannot remember the last kid free evening I had and the scary bit is, perhaps I don't want that anymore. Am I becoming institutionalised? I would welcome any tips on taking my brood on holiday, especially financing it. Look forward to chin wagging Alan.

Chris

Posted on: July 15, 2008 - 1:33pm

alancabey

Hello chris
at last a lone father good to hear from you, i want to open up this forum to also include single men who may be separated from their partners but still look after their children maybe on weekends, a week in the holidays or on the odd days.
Chris you sound like your family live far away, dont you have female friends to offer advice, glad to see your daughter is bringing home her boyfriends my daughter wasn't that brave. I think as men we are more protective of our daughters as we are more aware of mens interactions with our daughters based on our own childhood experiences and that of other men we know in general. what do you think fella's? talk to me men.
Statistics show that men are taking on more responsibility in raising children. Do you agree?

Posted on: July 15, 2008 - 8:45pm

Chr1s

Hello Alan,

My nearest family is 350 miles away with ex's family about the same so no family support for this boy sadly, I wonder how many other single parents have the same experience? Followed work/education/new life etc to find themselves "stranded" away from the extended family. I could move nearer but that has its pitfalls, I have no wish to move back to a depressed mining area and there is of course, the expense of it. My main concern is for the children, they are well settled into school/college/social life etc and so I would not want that upheaval again.They already have had a traumatic enough time of it this past few years.

Re female friends offering advice: I smile wryly at the thought, since my babes have come to live with me I have dropped into a social black hole and those at Uni who would advise never seemed to have children of their own. It has taken 18 months of badgering to get the health services to take an interest in my middle boy. No problem at school, little sod at home so without a school referral very difficult to access services of any kind. Another wry smile, the advice given by a female family support worker regarding son's behaviour has been "Oh well, he has had such a bad time with your ex that although he is now with the loving parent he is transferring his anger and emotions toward you as you are the only available adult in his life." Bugger! it seems I can't win :D

Regarding daughter and prospective wooers..My baby has been forewarned and she is well aware that boys are governed by the primal urge to procreate with as many females as possible (and then tell their mates about it) and for her safety (and her brothers) they took up kick boxing as a hobby. It would certainly be a fly on the wall moment for any lad to try anything daughter did not like as she took gold and a recent tournament. I would advocate any parent, single or otherwise, to cajole their offspring to taking up a martial art, it has done wonders for mine's confidence and also my own on the occasions when I am not with them.

Regarding your last statement concerning statistics, yes i believe this to be true, not solely because the man for whatever reason, becomes the single parent but maybe due to there being a major shift from heavy industry and manufacturing to the service industries which have predominantly female orientated work force. It is possible in these circumstances, that the woman has replaced the role of the tradtional bread winner and simple finances dictate that she go out to be the major earner. Anecdotally, I know of a fair number of men in this position, especially within the health service (where I worked). Speaking of gender role swapping...did/do you get those suspicious stares from when you pick your daughter up from school/college, especially from those who don't know you? I feel there is a thesis here in the writing.

My babe has just cooked me dinner (pass the remote on the way to the fridge for the beer) this a first.

chris

Posted on: July 16, 2008 - 1:12pm

ficurnow

Chris - I note you asked for advice on holidays. Are you working at the moment and if so, in which sector? This may or may not help, depending on your circs, but I do know that Unison have a holiday park at Croyde in Devon where members can get reduced or even wholly subsidised holidays depending on circumstances. There was also an organisation I once looked into joining called something like Single Parent Holidays but turned out in order to get any good deals you had to take holidays in term time which wouldn't have suited me as I work in a school so I didn't pursue it. Good luck, Fi

Posted on: July 19, 2008 - 4:02pm

wiseowl

Hi Chris
It sounds like you are doing a fine job of keeping your family together and holding the fort, I don't know why but we as a society seem to slap men on the backs if they are single dads, but single mums get a good kicking, but as one lone parent to another, well done! I guess there is much more out there for single mums so it must be tough for you. I think it is great, probably as the father of my daughter is a complete idiot and doesn't do any fathering at all, he seems to think that parenting is all my responsibility. Tut :roll: I don't get how any parent can leave their kids behind, even if they despise their partner, selfish, self absorbed and stupid is what i call it.

You mention ironing, i wanted to tell you to STOP DOING IT!! I stopped about 5 years ago, it was one of the best decisions i made, ok occassionally i have to iron a shirt, and probably you having three boys maybe that would be a necessity, but as long as i dry the clothes as flat as possible, once they have been worn for 20 mins no-one would know. I know this because in the past i have asked people if i look scruffy and crumpled and no-one has said YES, maybe they are being polite, but i don't care, i think we look presentable and my evenings are my own again!

I loved what you said about telling your daughter about the lies that boys tell, i think i only learned that in the last 5 years, i went to an all girls school and unfortunately at 16, i believed all the bull**** that i heard - so naive. I think you should write more about it, so we can pass it on to our girls!

Posted on: July 30, 2008 - 11:29am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Chris
Great to have a another man on the site, a very warm welcome to you :)

You talk about your youngest son, being difficult at home, the fact that he behaves at school is a very good sign, he probably is going through a lot of emotions at the moment, but if he can hold it together at school then there is definately hope for the future!

Have you considered going to a parenting class? There is no rule book for parents and it is a strength not a weakness to strive to be a better parent and admit that we don't know everything, the group work is important as we can learn, support and help one another. I am sure you would be able to give support as well as hear how others cope with similar situations.

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk/index.php?id=7 has a list of all Parentline Plus courses, you can also find out where they are being held.

Keep in touch, let me know what you think of that idea.

Posted on: August 1, 2008 - 2:24pm

Chr1s

I can't ditch the iron :o it would bite me if I tried, I have been sly and convinced daughter she must master the art for when she has a family of her own. It is middle boy not youngest that has issues which, with the help of the local mental health councillor, we have talked a lot about "Traffic Lights", oh well...it gave my lad a laugh. We muddle through.

My boy just needs reassuring that he is not going to be tossed aside and left to his own devices. My ex has a lot to answer for, she has done a tremendous amount of damage. We will get through.

Posted on: August 2, 2008 - 9:49pm

Aberdulais

Hi there,
I am in slightly different situation in that I was married for 25 years to dear wife, who died just over three years ago from Breast Cancer. We have five great children, being four boys and a girl. Eldest boy 26 and researcher at Cambridge, daughter 24 phones from random countries and showjumping competitions ( she tells me she trains young showjumpers !! ) and then three boys at home, 21, 15 and 13......all I can say is that the first two years were sheer panic and very lonely.....and then it started to get better between us all, and would now say its actually a pleasure being single Dad. And yes, I know that I now believe that I would prefer being a Single Dad and cannot see how a female could actually come into this family and survive!!
On the Ironing front, do believe me when I say I KNOW the iron hates me as well. I have tired to convince the boys that as I am left handed, and they don't make left handed irons, I am totally unable to help...my daughter by the way who spends most of her life at stables, in stables, sleeping in horse transporters, would not recognise an iron if it was in her hand......

Robert

Posted on: March 20, 2009 - 1:43pm

Bubblegum

Alan wrote:

Hello My names Alan.
I'm a parent facilitator and father working in the southwest of England.
Do you find it challenging raising a daughter on your own?
Do you have the support of any female family members or friends? are they supportive or do they try and take control?
Talking honestly to our daughters is a really positive step forward, sometimes we feel that we should have all the right answers, but thats not always necessarily so!
So come on share your stories, concerns or joys here.....

I have my sister who comes round every evening on her way home from work, we go to her house every Sunday and have a large family Sunday dinner.

I see my sister as a very good and positive female role model for 'both' my children, She is very supportive, she never undermines my authority, both my children have gone through a stage of trying to play one of us off the other, they still do try it : ) She does think that my daughter should have long hair, I disagree and cut it into a bob every couple of months, it's me who has to comb it every morning and its curly and gets matted over night.. I can see her biting her tong every time she comes round and my daughters hair has jumped up two inches. : )

I am and as much as I try not to, I am more lenient with my daughter when it comes to discipline : )

thanx.

Posted on: March 27, 2009 - 11:03am