I was reading yesterday that a think-tank had come up with some suggestions regarding marriage, such as giving tax breaks to married couples, enforcing a three-month "cooling of" period when a couple separates and funding more couples counselling. It set me thinking about the current experience of relationship breakdown and the differences that occur depending on whether or not you are married.
On one hand, married people have an "established" structure to fall back on when they separate, such as a requirement for arrangements for the children before a divorce is granted. Also there is a mechanism in place for sorting out finances. Is this a help or a hindrance though? Does this make the process of separation worse? And how are finances resolved without a court's involvement? There is also the issue of parental responsibility for unmarried couples. As some of you know, this has only been automatic since December 2003 if the father's name is on the birth certificate.
What do you think?
Thanks very much for that, Sy. Probably better to put in a link rather than the info though ;) so people can access ot not access it as they wish
So do you wish that there was an established procedure for the separation as there is with married people?
I would really welcome people's thoughts on this topic in general.... :)
I think this is a very difficult one!
I got married in 1984 (and divorced on my 20th wedding anniversary - how good was that??!!! A reason to still mark the date with champagne :D ) I would not have dreamt of co-habitting - or living in sin as it was known as then. The Git did have a married man's tax allowance. We also had tax relief on our mortgage - although I can't remember if that was because we were married. I never understood then why you should have tax allowances because you're married - and actually still don't.
Now, I'd be almost gutted if my children did marry! Not that they will ever know that, as marriage can be such a farce. Sorry, deviating - so unlike me...
I don't agree with an enforced cooling off period. I actually think that things could be inflamed, simply knowing that something is being enforced. I do think there should be more couple counselling and mediation too - accessible quickly, as I'm sure in many cases things could be sorted. It didn't work for me, but then ex didn't want to sort it - which is fair enough.
Financially, I can view this from a different angle though, and as there was no money to sort, I don't know how to answer it, hoever, ex's debts of £49k had to be paid off as they were considered joint as they were 'debts within a marriage'. The house had to be sold, even though it was the children's home. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't have chosen to do that anyway - as I wouldn't have liked anyone to have thought me a bitch for not doing so - as he has a way with words that would have pointed the blame my way... So, had I been not me, I could have walked away with about £32k, which my sister and I had worked out, and by now would be in a position of providing security for my children. Could also be argued that ex had £34k a year income, and so could have said "you take it for you and the children dear.
Sorry. just fell off the chair laughing... :roll:
The only finace bit we had stamped by the Court was pension share and the £1 annual spousal maintenance (heck, should I send him a text? He owes me a £5) to make the divorde not a clean break. I want to be in a position to claim should he win the lottery. I don't see how a situation like this could be enforced if a couple wasn't married.
Children. I've no doubt the same "established" stucture should apply to both marriage and co-habiting At the end of they day, married or not, the title of parent still applies. The father's name should be on the birth certificate, although I do know this isn't always possible. However, I don't think the problem of Contact can ever be resolved.
Hello Louise,
hope I haven't missed the point here.
yes, co-habitation separation has no automatic, independent, structure that I have found.
It's whatever the separated couple can agree to, not normally best time to try and agree on things!
Never got to family mediation in end, but I thought it could have been a way forward.
Parental responsibility is shocking for fathers with regard to children born before 2003 law change. There are couple of routes I know of. There's a joint form, if your partner is agreeable, where you both go to court registrar to witness your signatures, and you both sign form.
If your partner is unwilling. There's a court order form for parental responsibility C1, which is rarely contested for fathers if father is on birth certificate. It gives parental responsibility, not just to fathers, but could be grandparent etc. There is a court fee if your income is above a certain level. My court is £170 admin fee. The forms are available from the court office. Not all courts do family issues. Phone first. If transport an issue, they will post the forms to you. Also, be ready to be frisked by security, like at an airport.
If you are putting in other type of court orders, put them in together, then it is still just one admin fee. There is an accompanying booklet, make sure they give you this too.
The rest I don't know, as I have it all to face still.
There's legal information on parental responsibility and other things on Familes Need Fathers website:
http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/parental-responsibility
Yes, I think better with an independent judicial structure for separation agreement for couples over xx number of years cohabiting, or with children (finance, contact, property etc).
sy