As my 10 year old's birthday treat, ex and wife took him to 70 miles away to play lazer gun fighting. Asked if he enjoyed it, he did, it was brilliant.
I asked what dad got him for his birthday, as you do (and as I did with two who have had birthdays) - nothing. Not a birthday card either. He knows that my eldest has £30 and that my 13 year old had two ship models to build, and they both had wonderful son cards.
Dad took him to Toys r Us too. He had trump cards, so I said 'well, dad got those for you, that was lovely'. Nope, my son bought them with his own money.
I'm sorry, but I'm blazing - not that I'm showing it, heck after 5 years I'm expert at hiding my feelings and being positive about ex. My youngest came in and just dumped his bag on the floor and slumped in front of the tele. I just said it was nice to have a day out with his dad and wife.
This man will see the children on average 5 hours a month(60.5 hours in total last year, no overnights since 10 August 2007). I tell the CSA that the children don't stay there, but still they deduct 52 night a year from the CSA payments. He tells them he works 12 hours, he's actually working more like 50. I've also asked them to stop collecting CSA as seeing what he pays - expecially the nil weeks when he's off on holiday so, so annoying that it gets me in the angry state I'm in now. I don't even want to think about him! Which, until the birthdays arrive, I don't. :D
I feel like getting a solicitor's letter now to get him to relinquish all parental responsibility to the children. Heck, he couldn't even get back to me when I let him know my youngest had broken his leg! He didn't get in the ambulance with my eldest who dislocated his knee playing badminton with him! Kept him informed, but no phone call/text to see how he was doing (got my eldest to text him in the end).
I still have to jump when this man tells me to jump.
Absent parents - and there are plenty of mothers who are the absent parent - who choose not to be responsible, courteous or respectful should go away, and leave the parent with care get on with things without causing tidal waves, that the parent with care has to flaming well deal with.
I'm not talking about absent parents who are fighting to see their children, battling against nasty parents with care. My heart goes out to them.
But the likes of my ex shouldn't be allowed to screw up little minds. At the end of the day we were married for 20 years. He was even earning £30k when we had my youngest, and I was earning £15k...
What is it? Why should they make the decision to choose a new life, yet still have the right to dabble in their old one.
I'm really at screaming point today.
And yes, I am well aware that this is absolutely nothing compared with the sadness that so many are going through. I do appreciate this. It's nothing compared to all that I've been through either. But I still had the need to write it out and hopefully get it off my chest.
My daughter is having her birthday treat next weekend. Now if she comes back with a present and a card, what should I do? I can't make up for this...
AGGHHH, bad luck sparkling :oops: I am feeling your fury, I am really glad that you have got it off your chest.
I agree with Louise that just because others are going through difficult times you are not entitled to have a rant and feel fury, thats what this site is for! so don't belittle what you are feeling, please!
Oh the joys of single parenthood! I know that you will get through this as always, but I do understand what you are saying.
Take care of you ;)
Thank you both.
Come next Sunday I'll be ok, as I won't need to even think of a birthday until December - when my eldest is 18 (saving up for a good camera for him).
My daughter will REALLY enjoy rubbing my youngest's nose in it if she does get a card and present! If it had been my eldest, he's more sensitive and would have been quiet about it.
We've just been talking about his birthday last Thursday now, and their joint 'party' (does two friends each and NO party bags count as a party?). And he's happy enough.
It's me and how I deal with it at the time that's the problem really.
Teachers training day here. Youngest is doing homework! Nothing like last minute.
Hi Sparklinglime
Just read your post, and I so agree with everything you said. I have cut back on food and not paid a bill just so I am able to buy my son the presents that he wants. He has asked if he can take 3 friends to McDonalds, and then home to play for a while. How can I deny a 7 year old this? Yet, that means a party bag for each,(doesn't come to much, but money could be used for something else). Even though the McDonalds, I still have to put crisps and few bits on table, plus the cake of course!!!!
In the meantime, his father doesn't send a bean. My son is lucky to receive a card, and that has been because I've reminded the moron. I won't do it this year though. He has never sent a xmas card or present. (Can't possibly say he forgot that date)!! I asked him to sign away his rights as a parent, and he blew up at me, saying he was the father, and he wouldn't sign that away. Makes me laugh really, I contacted him when my son was four (he hadn't shown interest at all). He has seen him twice since then, and only for a few hours on his visits to England. (Puts pubs, gambling and friends before my son). He isn't on the birth certificate, so am not sure if he even has parental rights, doesn't pay a penny, and the csa have all details, but so far nothing.
Sorry, now I'm rambling. This subject gets me so cross. It isn't my son's fault, and I do my best when it comes to birthdays and christmas. This jerk can't even send a fiver.
Alison
x
So far The Git and Gittess ( :roll: ) have seen them for a total of 6 hours in the holidays.
CSA was meant to have gone up at the end of July - haven't had any since - and no, I'm not surprised.
I know it's hard, and I'm sorry. My lot have friends round - crisps and cakes on the table. But I do not do party bags. I can't. Sadly, my children get invited to very few parties - although my older three are too old for parties really. Youngest feels it being left out, but it was suggested that maybe parents think they're doing me a favour... No thought for the child there either!
There's no answers. It's just making sure they have a happy birthday, and understand that this it the best you can do.
Hi guys
Birthdays can be a really pressured time and especially if your kids mix with the sort of families who can afford a massive party for their offspring. If your child has a summer birthday then it is a bit easier, you can do something outside. When mine were smaller I used to do hot dogs and drinks (lime and cherry, aka gore and blood to grisly little boys :lol: ) and organise a football tournament before tea and a funny quiz afterwards so they sat down :shock:
Alisoncam, regarding parental responsibility, have a look at our information about this, here's the link http://www.parentingalone.org.uk/articles/legal-rights/parental-responsibility-1
Hope your boy will have a fabulous birthday next week :D
Hi Louise
Thankyou for the link. I copied and pasted this part. Am I right in thinking then that my son's father doesn't have PR? We weren't married, and my son was born in 2002.
The father will automatically have PR if he is married to the mother or marries her after the child’s birth or if he is registered on the birth certificate and that registration took place after 1 December 2003.
I don't think he will bother going to court to obtain PR as he hasn't bothered with my son at all.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi Sparklinglime
You do make me laugh when you refer to ex as Git :P
I only have the one child, so I guess it is easier for me to add a few party bags, though of course I have to do without other things. I get frustrated when my son is invited to parties, and he doesn't even play with the child!!! My son has cottoned on (at the age of 6), that these kids want lots of presents. All of the parties he goes too are in big halls, so all the class is invited. My son has invited 3 of his classmates to McDonalds. I have had a definate answer on one, one has said maybe, and the last hasn't even been in touch. (this makes me laugh as the mother made such a fuss when she had to chase parents at the school for an answer to her daughter's party).
Take care
Alison
xx
Hi alisoncam
Yes that's right from what you have said, he will not have PR unless it is granted in court (the simplest way would be for him to get you to sign a form and to have it "rubber-stamped" by the court)(. incidentally, in the future, someone else can get PR for your boy with the consent of both biological parents. This does not just apply to new partners but grandparents and other family members.
By the way, re birthday gifts for party children, I always used to collect stuff through the year, looking out for bargains and in Poundstretcher etc and also buying cheap cards in bulk so that I had a box full of stuff ready and was never caught on the hop having to spend more than I wanted. :D
Hi all
I just wanted to add that when my daughter was smaller, I never spent more than £20 on a present for birthday or Christmas, we had small parties with 7p bread and cheap ham etc etc, you know the drill! Teacakes - 99p for box! Now she is older I am earning better money and have been able to splash out a bit more, but when I look back, as I think I have mentioned on another post, she never knew that she wasn't getting the £100 bike that others got, she felt just as equal as all her friends, I guess it is all about how we explain life and money to them. One day we had a friend of hers after school, they were about 7 and as I was driving home, the little girl said in a very condescending voice, 'well you are poor'. I got riled and said we might be poor moneywise, but we are rich in health, love and happiness and my daughter said yeah money can't buy you love!! hahahaha!
Hello sparkly, you sound fuming and no wonder! Especially in anticipation of what may or may not happen with your daughter's birthday next weekend. :x
Firstly I hope it helped a bit to get it off your chest ;) But please don't think that because other people may be perceived to be going through sadder times than you, that you are not entitled to support: you are!
I could quote a load of statistics at you with the high percentage of non-resident parents who lose touch with their children within a year of separation (and this is for a variety of reasons....including a surprisingly high percentage who say that they feel this is the best thing for the children). I could also tell you that I don't think you will legally be able to get him to relinquish parental responsibility....but none of this helps. What may, possibly, help is to say to you that you are your children's rock, the one certain thing in their world and this is one thing you CAN control (you can't control their father's behaviour). And how sad for them that they may feel their father is being offhand and so inegalitarian. Thank heavens for their rock :D
I was just thinking about the situation if there is a card and prezzie for your daughter next weekend. :idea: Would you feel able to just smile and say to your son wow you were lucky to get paintballing weren't you? And if he expresses sadness, acknowledge it (" yes I can see you feel..........) and tell him something loving ( "Hey I'm so glad you're my son, I'm lucky to have a boy like you") ???? Maybe that would have worked with my son when he was younger,that's all I was thinking.
Take care
Louise