Thank you, worried, for having the courage to post about something so traumatic and frightening. You must have not known where to turn at times. I am so pleased to hear that you have your parents there for support. Your decision to stop contact is understandable but I am sorry it has to go to court; this can only intensify the situation. You say that he has been advised to go to Relate to help him with his anger towards you. If you feel he would benefit from some one to one work with a counsellor, you could suggest this as a "condition" of the resumption of his parenting time? I know that you are trying to ensure that your daughter has a relationship with both parents, and that is commendable, but when the chips are down, you need to protect your daughter and it sounds as if you have serious concerns about her wellbeing.
Sparkling, thank you for your really helpful comments. I agree that it would be helpful for contact to take place at a contact centre where he is supervised...or even at a relative's house. it would be interesting to know whether NSPCC is able to help. I also agree with Sparkling about keeping a record of things as there is a fairly new law called The Harrassment Act, but it seems to me (as a layperson) to be one where a catalogue of evidence is needed....so start logging things now.
Worried, you mention that your daughter's dad has a new partner. Is she any more receptive to reason than he is? I am wondering whether she feels comfortable watching his behaviour towards another woman and his own child. Could she bring any influence to bear?
Finally, I am glad that you are getting the support of the CSA to obtain some child support. Whilst it is great if parents can sort out arrangements between themselves, it is sometimes not possible. You may also like to consider the possiblity that if he has not declared all his income then he might not have told the local Tax Office either. In the longer term, he may be persuaded to declare his income and you would receive a more realistic amount of child support.
best wishes and let us know how you get on
Louise :D
What a nightmare for you! it sounds as if there is a lot of hassle all the time whenever you have anything to do with him. That's a shame about his new partner; although I understand he may well have told her a certain story, I thought she may be able to see what was going on, as someone who is less closely involved.
Good luck with the legal action and let us know how you get on
Best wishes
Louise :)
Best wishes from me too.
It's such a horrid place to be.
Dear worried
It sounds as though your ex partner is an extremely abusive man and you are well out of it, times are tough now, but please don't feel alone, there are many organisations out there that can support you.
Have a look at the Women’s Aid website http://www.womensaid.org.uk they have a Survivors Handbook that you may find useful and also a directory of supportive organisations in your area.
Unfortunatley abusive men often get access to their children through the Courts regardless of reports from schools, Police, Cafcass etc. Did you know that 1 in 4 women experience domestic abuse in the UK in their lives? And that 3 women a week are killed in the UK by abusive partners? It is a shame that the Judges, mediators etc aren’t so clued up on the subject. Have you been in touch with your Domestic Abuse Unit with the Police, they can be of great use in some areas of the country, also Victim Support (who used to have a terrible reputation, but our local one is very good). Try and make use of as many resources that you can, you may not be able to change the Courts mind but you can empower yourself which means that your exes abusive behaviour will have a less dramatic affect on you which in turn means your daughter will find it easier to deal with.
When you daughter repeat things that your ex says, try to not take it to heart, but do tell her that it is an unkind thing to say and that you wouldn’t behave like that, tell her that it hurts when she says things and ask her how it makes her feel. She is just trying to find her way, if she sees you being strong and in control she will take your lead.
When do you go to Court??
Don't ever apologise for rambling on. It is very difficult to get everything written down, I know.
An idea would be for you to start keeping a diary and record all his actions. If you communicate by email, make sure you print them off and file them safely. If he texts you (this is the only way ex will communicate with me - I no longer try to contact him), then you can get cables that enables you to download your text messages. If your phone doesn't have this, I do suggest that you get one. It seems to me that you need to get as much evidence as you can here, so that it's not only "hear say" (such a horrid term when you know you're telling the truth and your fears are genuine).
As he involved the Social Services, are they willing to help you here? It sounds to me that by tearing your daughter's clothes while she's wearing them that this is abuse. You are expected to protect your daughter. When the matter goes to Court you could suggest that he only has supervised contact at a contact centre. Was a case worker allocated to you at the time?
You also have it on record (I'm assuming here, sorry) that the Mediator found that your ex had anger issues.
I've been trying to see if there is any help available. I'm wondering if you could contact the NSPCC for advice. Abuse still goes on even when the children are separated.
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/whatwedo/mediacentre/pressreleases/2009_05_January_National_Divorce_Day_tips_%20from_ChildLine_and_Your_%20Family_website_wdn62704.html
Not sure how you feel after reading that. I hope you do have the support of family.
My ex has managed to keep control over me with the children, and since he stopped having them to stay overnight in August 2007 (we split up March 2004) I have to say that my life has been more settled. He would bring the children back after 20 minutes when he should have been having them for 2 hours. He would frequently bring them home late. I have the same issued with CSA, as he is dishonest over the hours he works.
I had a real fear that my childen would be removed from the country to Texas. My solicitor adviced me to get the children passports, and then if a copy was requested that 'alarm bells would ring'. He never tried this though.
I'm sorry that this won't help much. I do agree that you had no choice but to stop contact. Just gather your evidence with dates, etc, to take to Court. Hopefully they will support you with this.
My very best wishes