new to here - fed up and utterly depressed :(

katemi

Hi I'm new on here, suppose I'm in need of some advice and support.

I have a 5 yr old daughter, who has been my sole responsibility since her dad walked out when she was 4 days old, over the past 5 yrs he has tried to come back, has beaten me, left to live in Sweden, shouted and been physically aggressive towards me in front of my daughter, to name but a few of the past events. The last time I saw him, 6 months ago, I told him that I had been diagnosed with clinical cronic depression and he told me to 'do the world a favour and just top yourself'. His family live close by and expect to see my daughter once a month, though make no effort and I have to run around to facilitate it, he does not pay for her, he is not on her birth cert. (as he hit me in the registry office and the Police were called by the registar), and it is only down to me that there is a relationship with my daughter and her dad and his family. Today at a visit from Sweden he turned up unannounced with a new girlfiriend. My daughter was devestated and has stated she doesn't want to see him again, it's caused arguments with the family, as they think I am unreasonable to be told in advance and that I feel that he should come to England to spend time with my daughter on his own. I have only just settled her as she is very upset by today. Am at my wits end and just want to move to the moon or give up on life completely. My daughters dad does not consdier our daughter, nor does his family, is this contact worth the bad feeling and upset it always causes??? advice and views would be great x

Posted on: May 8, 2010 - 9:48pm

sparklinglime

I'm sorry that your daughter is so upset. How incredibly hard all this must be for you.

Clearly, you are doing all you can for your daughter to have a relationship with her father's family.

Are there any Court Orders in place that mean you 'have' to do this? While I do take my children to see my ex-in-laws most weeks, I am very welcome there and get on well with them.

Do you have friends and family who are supporting you?

From my view point, I feel you have every right to be informed of visits.

Is it worth the upset? I feel you know the answer to that one. What would be the likely fall out if you were to stop taking your daughter around and telling her father that he is not welcome at your home without communicating with you first?

This board is brilliant, and can give you so much support.

Posted on: May 8, 2010 - 11:24pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello katemi

Firstly you are welcome to One Space.

Your poor little girl, being upset like that, and poor you as well, having to deal with it all. It is completely unacceptable. I really do feel it is important that you get some legal advice at this stage. You can find a local solicitor by going to www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk

It feels particularly difficult that his family appear to endorse his behaviour and that they live close to you. Are your own family and friends local? If not then it might be worth considering a move- away from his family, I mean. It is completely reasonable to be given notice of his visits. After all, what if you were away on holiday or both of you had chicken pox? He would say "why didn't you tell me you weren't available?"

Thinking now about the violence to which you have been subjected, have you had some support around this? Women's Aid, for example www.womensaid.org.uk Have a look at our own material on violent relationships on this site www.onespace.org.uk/abuse-violence/freedom-programme as this will help you move forward.

I am only going on the information you have shared, but it sounds as if, although the relationship is over, the abuse is continuing in some form, with the backing of his whole clan!

We are here to give you support and help, please do stick with us as you go through this difficult time. Hope you can have a peaceful day today with your daughter

Posted on: May 9, 2010 - 7:11am

hazeleyes

Hi Katemi. Sorry that you are going through this. It's not fair when your little girl is clearly upset, and you're the one to pick up the pieces. I do think it's totally unreasonable that your ex just thinks he can turn up without any notice. I would certainly have that changed. As for his parents, you aren't under any obligation to take your daughter to see them. How does your daughter get on with them? Is it possible that you could change these arrangements to suit YOU.

Your ex is a bully, and in my opinion he is still controlling you. I would definatey seek advice.

Keep posting Katemi. This is a wonderful group, and there are so many ladies and Men to help and support you, so you won't feel so alone.

Take care,

Alison

Posted on: May 9, 2010 - 9:27am

sadsy

Hello Katemi,

you do not need to suffer any more abuse, from anyone.

Any contact needs to be structured legally now. You simply don't need the stress of random visits.

Contact community legal advice:

http://www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/

0845 345 4 345

It would be better for both sides that a contact schedule be arranged via solicitor.

Are any of your friends or family close by to give you support? On contact visits, you can have a friend or family member with you to ensure no abuse takes place, and serve as a witness.

Keep a log of any contact, when, what was said, who said it and how they said it. It is easy to forget the details and you may need them later as evidence.

Don't look for pity from him over your current illness or give him any personal information. He has no care and may use information against you.

Make sure your daughter's passport is somewhere safe.

Don't be afraid to call the police. It's what they are for.

Wish me luck in court today, my ex is attempting to make me homeless at 12 noon, hehe.

I may not be able to find my way back to this post, so I wish you well, things will get better for you. Only one hard task per day as you recover your strength.

Hug sy

Posted on: May 10, 2010 - 9:22am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Dear katemi

Welcome to One Space, thank you for sharing your story.

I have been where you are and can completely commiserate, it may feel like you are completely alone with this but you are not.

If I were you I would reach out to as many womens organisations possible, so you can get as much support as you can, your first port of call may be Womens Aid, have a look at their Regional Map to see if there is anything near you.

It sounds as though you need to talk to someone, you can call the Womens Aid helpline on 0808 2000 247 - 24 hours a day

or you could call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.

It sounds as though you are making all the effort here and I am sure you are doing it so that your daughter knows her father and his family.

I too did this, then I finally made a decision of NO further contact. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make, I didn't want to be seen as a bad mum, but I had to take control of the situation to protect myself and my daughter. I also had to show my daughter that this wasn't acceptable behaviour and I wasn't going to stand for it. I took the decision out of her hands by saying that I wasn't going to allow contact and when she is 16 and emotionally mature enough to deal with thier relationship I would support her with it.

It was so hard, but it was also really empowering doing what I wanted for my little family rather than what society, his family and her dad expected. My daughters father took me to Court and CAFCASS got involved, it was decided by the Court that she should see him, but due to him not being able admit to certain things the whole thing fell through! It was a long drawn out painful process. Anyway now she doesn't see him and hasn't for 8 years, but since the initial No contact, I have told her that if she ever does want to contact him or his family before she is 16, I will support her with it. She hasn't.

Don't give up on life completely, your life can and will change. I am not surprised you have been diagnosed with clinical chronic depression with all that you ahve been through.

Have you contacted a solicitor yet to find out your legal rights? Do you have a counsellor?

Posted on: May 11, 2010 - 5:01pm