new member
Hi, welcome and all that..
It's not just women who 'have to get on with it because they have to', I'm a single dad and have been doing just that for five years now.
My X goes through phases of wanting to see her children and it's allays about her and not them. This for us has always been dealt with through CAFCASS and the courts on account of her being completely unreasonable.
If you feel unsure about him seeing them you are perfectly within your rights to say no and if he insists then you will all have to go to court. But I gather from your post that you seem to have a good relationship with his parents so doing that may damage that relationship which could in turn lead to the children loosing out.
I would suggest slow small steps, first what about him spending some time with them at his parents house with his parents present and you if you feel ok about that.
I don't think you need to worry about what you have to do as their relationship should develop along it's own path providing everyone behaves and if they don't, express your worries and if they are not addressed say no.
Finally, I know how annoying it is when you do everything and they just all of a sudden want to see their children because they suddenly decide. You have no control and it's worrying because everything was going just smoothly and happily and all of a sudden they are back in your life disrupting because they woke up and suddenly got responsible or something.
Unfortunately no court in the land is going to stop a parent from seeing their child unless their is obvious danger to the child's well being.. and even then, but that's an other rant for another place. Annoying as that is, we as the resident parent are forced to go along with it all and pick up the pieces afterwards when they then decide they don't want to see them any more, or what ever, in my case its because the comfortable world of drugs is calling.
The best result for the children is that the non resident parent suddenly gets a grip on reality and decides to start putting their children first, taking responsibility and becoming a good parent.
Good luck.
Hello amy phoebes
Great to hear from you. You're right, single parents do work hard and here we have both men and women who have to find that strength.
So you have two children of 11 and 3 and you are wondering about whether (and how) to introduce the youngest one's father into her life. There are some other members on here who have faced the same dilemma and will be along soon to give you the benefit of their experience.
I am one of the moderators on this board and have seen quite a few people in your situation. Firstly, unless there are some serious concerns in the father's background, such as drugs or violence, it is likely that if there was court action about this, then he would get some parenting time. I am telling you that so that you know what the far end could possibly be. In other words, keeping things out of court keeps them more under your control. You need to have a think about how you feel about the whole thing. I imagine that one of your major concerns is that he comes into her life, she bonds with him and then he disappears again?
You could go to a solicitor or you could write to him yourself. Either way you need to set some ground rules such as the first few meetings being in your presence and perhaps you could think about introducing him as "John" (or whatever his name is) rather than "Daddy" and do things really gradually. If you need a solicitor then see www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/en/directory/directorysearch.jsp
Keep posting and we will keep supporting you
Hi amy phoebes
Welcome to One Space, I am glad that you found us here! Bubblegum expresses it really well, the situation for the resident parent. All we can do is keep going in our day to day life and if or when the other parent decides to show their face, we just have to brave it out and then deal with the fallout afterwards.
It sounds great that you have a good relationship with his family, that can only be a good thing. I like the idea of small steps at first.
It sounds as though you have a strong/positive relationship with your girls and obviously you don't want the boat to be rocked. However if you keep open and honest with them, this can only make you all more bonded together.
How amicable is your relationship with the ex? Are his family supporting him or you in regards to him seeing her? How is your eldest?
Hi amy phoebes
Glad you have got some family support, that's helpful. It sounds as if your former partner is not in your daughter's life and it doesn't sound like a bad thing!
Hope you are Ok today?
Hi amy phoebes your girls sound lovely as does your ex's family.
Your daughter will appreciate you supporting her to see her father, in the long run.
I have been thinking about what was said earlier and wonder whether it is actually quite important to let her know that he is her 'daddy'. Even if she only sees him once or twice in her life. She will grow up knowing that you did what was best for her.
Would she have seen pictures of him in his parents home?
Would they have ever told her who he is?
I think short supervised bursts is a good start to them getting to know each other. He will find it difficult too.
Try not to confuse any other issues ie money, the breakdown of your relationship, his life/partner now etc. with the contact he has with your daughter.
Have you heard anymore from him regading him seeing her? How do you feel about it?
Hi amy
Welcome to One Space. Your ex had great timing, leaving the same day as the scan!!!! I also call my son's father the 'sperm doner', haha. My son is 7 and he has only seen him a couple of times.
Does your 3 year old ever ask about her Dad? If she does, then perhaps you could bring up the subject of him then. (It makes me angry that they presume they can walk back into the child's life when it suits)
Its great that she has contact with his family. How is your 10/11 year old doing? Does she see her Dad at all?
I look forward to chatting, take care, and I hope you have a lovely Mothers Day. Are you doing anything special?
Alison
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