After a separation or divorce, how do you feel about new relationships? Are you more cautious about getting involved? And how soon do you allow the new partner to become close to your children? How have the children reacted?
It would be great to have your views and hear about your experiences. I know some parents who take a conscious decision NOT to re-partner until their children are grown-up. Other people are of the opinion that they do want a new relationship but they keep it separate from their kids. Others take the view that as a parent, they come as a "package" with their kids and the new person needs to grasp this straightaway.
let me know what has happened to you, or what you think about this rather thorny subject
Louise :)
Thanks for your views so far.
Ficurnow, it sounds as if you are identifying a pattern to your relationships and moving forward in terms of personal development. I wonder whether you would find counselling helpful at this time? I am glad you have got so many good friends and it seems that to be single feels most comfortable for you right now, when you feel able to make the break. You may feel differently in times to come and that's Ok, too. One positive in all this is that if you do resume your single status, at least you can get back into the Working Tax Credit system and get some support.
Tigerlily, so many times kids seem to think relationship breakups are their fault and that's heartbreaking. As Fi has found, it is sometimes difficult to make the break but it sounds like that was the right thing for you.
:idea: Never say never!
Louise
After my first marriage broke up, I was very lonely. I had two girls aged 4 1/2 and 13 months and no friends. I went to a Gingerbread group and met my second husband. It was just under a year after my first marriage breakup when we started seeing each other. His XW left him a month before my XH left me. At first he was kind and gentle and my knight in shining armour come to rescue me. The relationship moved much too fast, he moved in with me after only a few weeks because his XW moved back into the family home and he had nowhere else to go. We left my flat and the moment we moved into a rented house together, I lost my independence and things started to change. He turned into the emotional abuser I left 3 months ago after a 10 year marriage.
This time I have vowed never to get married again. If I ever live with someone again it won't be for a long time. I don't want to risk subjected my children to another abusive stepfather. I didn't intend finding another partner for a long time.
However, a friend of Hs (use the term friend very loosly I have discovered since) offered his help if I ever needed it. He's an IT man and my PC died so I took him up on his offer of help.
So it turns out that he knew about H's abusive past cos his XW is best friends with Hs XW and he doesn't think much of H at all. I found myself confiding in him about stuff I'd been through. He had always been H's friend (someone H went around to chat with out computers and films) but it seems he would rather be my friend.
(I'll call him D from now). Anyway, whenever D came around before I left H, we were chatty but there was a strange awkwardness that I could never explain but never really thought about it much. D stopped visiting somewhere around christmas but H still went around to his house.
I'll cut a long story short, over the last month I've discovered that D stopped coming around because he realised that I was unhappy and felt helpless about it. He has been attracted to me for the last three years. The awkwardness I felt but couldn't explain/ignored was attraction for him. We have become very close. I'm having trust issues and am very unsure about what I'm doing and worried that it is much too early to start a new relationship. I am finding myself falling for him. He is worried that I am on the rebound. I don't think I am because I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was enjoying my freedom. I not looking to replace my lost love cos I don't think I ever really loved H, at least not for a long time. But maybe D is right, cos it's only been 3 months.
I feel insecure and confused. When I'm with D I feel safe, relaxed and content. He is great company and is good at 'other things' lol. When I'm not with him, I'm thinking about him and wondering when I will see him next and seem to be constantly waiting to hear from him. I'm scared that I'm turning into a desparate, obsessed bunny boiler! lol I didn't know if he is just trying to give me the space I need and doesn't want to come on too strong or whether he is just using me. We have to be descreet so that H doesn't find out until the Separation agreement is drawn up and we are also considering my childrens feelings. The other day I came to my senses and decided to call it quits before I get in too deep and get even more hurt than the hurt I would feel now. He told that the way he feels about me, he hasn't felt for many, many years and didn't expect to ever feel again.
Basically, I have found happiness I never knew I could feel, have become addicted to it and now I'm terrified of losing it or that it's too good to be true. So, I've decided to go for it, slowly and cautiously.
Hello Rosedragon
Thank you so much for sharing your story, I am sure it will be of great help to others. It is no wonder you feel scared to commit to another relationship after what you have been through, and the fact that you have regained your independence after being so trapped. As I was reading your post, my thoughts were that taking it slowly might help you feel more comfortable.........and I see by the end of your post that that is what you have decided to do. As long as you and D are aware of the issues, you can tackle them together as they arise, and also he will be able to understand why it may be difficult for you to relinquish control of various aspects of your life. I know you are very aware of the place of your children in all this and I hope that this new love will work for you and you can find the happiness you were missing for so long. Let us know how you get on
Louise :)
That's good to know. I agree, we need to learn to love ourselves first.....and that's sometimes hard when self esteem may be at rock bottom if we have just been through separation or divorce. I am glad to hear that you are coping with the kids and the conflicting demands that step-parenting can bring. I guess one of the most difficult things is to be totally fair to all children, and with 6 that's quite a tall order. Sounds like you could write your own website about it all but here's one that can be a help to anyone with stepfamily issues: http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/couples/life_stepfamilies.shtml
Hope that you can one day be all together as a family and in the meantime, stay strong!
Louise
Hi porschea
Lots of people feel like you, it just shows how we all have different takes on the situation. And parenting can be VERY tiring...... I hope you manage to get some "you" time, whether that is time alone or with friends, whatever you prefer.
Best wishes
Louise :)
Hello bkaur and thanks for joining us and sharing your experiences, it is not always easy, I know.
It does seem strange that you have not met his daughters, although I would just add that it may be that he feels he will lose his parenting time with them if you share that time, it may be that his daughters' mother makes things difficult. However, after 5 years, you are hardly a short-term relationship!
Your abusive marriage will have left you with very low self esteem.......and more likely to accept an unsatisfactory situation. However it sounds as if you are beginning to feel that you are worth more than this (you ARE!!!) and with this in mind, I wonder if you intend to do as princess suggests? Whatever you decide we are here to support you on these boards.
best wishes
Louise ;)
Hello again bkaur
Well I can't tell you what to do, only you can really decide, it is a question of what you want in your life. Do you want to be in a fulltime committed relationship? Would you prefer a long-term boyfriend-girlfriend situation where you have some of your lives separate? I know that we have talked about an ultimatum here but actually I think it is worth you thinking seriosuly about what YOU want before tackling him.......and if it is committment you seek then that can't be achieved by threats or pleas....a person will only commit if they want to. Harsh words, sorry :(
We will be here to support you whichever path you choose
Take care
Louise
That's Ok Becky :) This is the place to let off steam and to get support.
It may be that the right decision for you at the moment is NOT to make a decision. Sometimes these things become clear to us in a light-bulb moment, sometimes they take a while to ferment! And it's about where you are at and what else is going on in your life as to whether you feel Ok about making a decision.
Take care
Louise
Just bumping this up for newer members!
I have to apologise for my long replies. I do get very worked up about things, and often type like I talk - far too much!
I was married for 20 years. Hind-sight it a wonderful thing, and really I should have left after two year, when ex first got close to another woman.
It's all ok though - he never slept with them! That new song out by Beyonce really hits home with me...
Drifting there...
New relationships. I have met someone. Strangely enough, a "friend" of my ex-husband, coming into my home and questioning my then friend about a trip I was having away pushed us into a relationship. He was actually going to stay in my house to doggy-sit. Instead, he came and the dogs went in the kennels!! We were in a travelodge though, and he was with my oldest boy in one room, and me with my younger three in the other room - with a baby intercom!
With this, if you've read some of my other replies, you may see why I say the non-resident parent does often have control...
When we were together, my ex would go out. If I wanted to go out I would have to get a babysitter. As I gave ex most of my money, I couldn't afford a babysitter (he was earning £34,000 at that time).
After we split, if I had an evening out arranged, (my colleagues from Tesco would go to the cinema - finishing nights meant I could go with them) and my ex would get a hint of this from the children, he would cancel the contact time, meaning I couldn't go out. Fair enough, just stay quiet about things! We had the standard every other weekend and one evening in the week contact arrangement - which is what my ex wanted - no more...
When ex met his first fiance, things weren't so bad. She lived across country, so he would alternate weekends with her and the children. Didn't want to take the children there (I offered - suggested one, two three or all the children if he wanted...). He came to our house on Christmas day to be with the children. I made dinner etc. This was the first Christmas after we split and it worked out well. I didn't see why he should miss out on Christmas with the children.
We have a big festival locally on the August bank holiday weekend, and my now friend and I wanted to go - children were with him! Told my ex-step-mother-in-law and we looked at the line up together (I get on fantastically with my ex-in-laws) and was about to book the tickets, when ex sent a note basically cancelling all the weekends he had during the summer holidays as he wanted to be with fiance number 1. I told him all but the bank holiday were fine to cancel, as I had plans. Nope, he refused to change his arrangements for that weekend - he asked for my understanding.
After that he cancelled a lot of weekends. He came here for the second Christmas - I cooked, and washed, he had a lovely day with the children - courtersy of me...
Then he met fiance number 2. She wanted to meet the children and get to know them. Lovely, said I. Very positive with the children, nice that daddy was meeting someone who would make him happy... I didn't think it was possible to cancel more time, but he did. In October 2006, he cancelled all contact weekends for the rest of the year, except for one at the beginning of December. A friend was going out with a group of friends for Christmas, and wanted me to go along. They changed the date so I could go with my now friend. What did ex do? Told my daughter to tell me that they couldn't sleep there that weekend of contact, as fiance number 2 was going to stay and there were no beds available for the children to sleep in, as she was bringing her two almost adult sons with her. I phoned, and said he couldn't do this. Tough, he said, you'll have to get a babysitter... I cancelled that contact weekend - the only one I ever cancelled - and my children stayed at home with my son babysitting. It was actually the children's idea. They were so hurt that he had told them they couldn't stay. Strangely enough, that relationship ended not too long after Christmas.
Then in March 2007 he met fiance number 3. She lived locally. Hurrah! I thought there'll be no problems with contact now. The children were excited. But no. He would change the times, send a text to say he was running late, cancel altogether the night before they should have been staying. He actually hasn't had them to stay since August last year. No discussion with me. They married in America in October.
So, what of my relationship... It didn't stand a chance. He's a lovely bloke and the children love him to bits. He's good and kind, and will be over at a drop of a hat in an emergency. My youngest broke his leg in summer, and my now friend arrived - who lives 10 miles away - was here as soon as possible for me to go to A&E. He helped my eldest get the camp bed ready as my youngest sleeps on a high-rise bed! My ex took a week to respond to a text telling him his son had broken a leg...
We would arrange weeekends away, but would loose money as ex would cancel his contact time. When he was due to have the children for 2 hours in the evening, he'd bring them back after 20 minutes - if I wasn't home, the children would be sitting outside the house. We couldn't book tickets to see a show at the theatre up the coast, nor could we arrange a night out with friends. We couldn't even go out for a coffee as we'd get a text to say he wanted to bring the children home early in the afternoon... get home, and he'd turn up an hour late.
I finished the relationship that day - this was in June last year. The stress my ex causes is enough for me to cope with, never mind the stress of a relationship with me. I do think you do need a bit of space to have time as a couple to build a relationship. With four children - one with special needs, that isn't going to happen now.
He's a good friend to us though. We're all going to the ex-in-laws for New Year Day's dinner - as we did last year. They think a lot of him too.
So, in my case, a new relationship didn't work. My ex told me I was a difficult and complex person, and I feel he's right. My children are my focus, with my goal having a holiday - alone - when my youngest is 18!
Maybe if I had family close by who would have been able to help with childcare, things may have been different. But I don't, and my ex-father-in-law is not in good health to have the children overnight. I don't have a break to get out, so it does stop here.
I know it's long and goes on about ex more than me. But it has left me in tears. Control doesn't end with divorce.
This sounds like a complete nightmare for you, sparkling, and it has ended up with your childrens' father actually "dictating" to you about what social life you can and can't have. I'm not surprised you feel as you do, after what you have been through! I am glad that you are still friends with this new chap even if you are not in a relationship anymore. As lone parent, another adult to support and care for us and our kids is wonderful.
Take care
Louise
OMG - I could write an essay and a half on this one - will try to keep it brief(ish!).
When I split from my husband (about 5 years ago) I did get straight into another relationship (yes - I'd fallen in love with someone else but that wasn't why me & ex split - more a symptom than a cause). He'd been a close friend for some time and therefore knew my girls anyway through that and he always got on great with them. In fact, he made a real effort to be a stepfather and even now he'll bring them presents and remember important dates.
We split after anout 18 months because I could no longer cope with his drink / drugs issues and the fact that he really didn't live in the same world (of feet on the ground responsibilities!) as I did. But he's still someone I care deeply about - on some level he'll always be my soul mate and I know he'd always be there for me if I needed him. I don't fancy him any more (I suspect the reverse isn't true!) but I think we're better friends than when we were lovers and in fact I'm meeting him for lunch tomorrow.
After we split I got into another relationship much quicker than I should have done - I should have given myself a breathing space to recgonise where I go wrong (ie that I'm a 'rescuer') but I did feel lonely and felt that I wanted someone to share my life with. I met someone on a dating site (not sure I'd go down that route again!) and we've been together for about 3 and a half years and living together for just over a year of that. We were supposed to get married at Easter but I called it off on the pretext that I was going through medical tests at the time and wanted the all clear first (which I've had!) but really that was an excuse.
He doesn't get on well with my kids, has a serious drink problem, keeps breaking promises about this and is generally negative and exhausting to be around. I keep trying to end the relationship but I'm not good at endings! I do feel though that when (and it IS a 'when') I end this relationship I don't think I really want another. Certainly not a full time one. I've been in love many times in my life and ultimately it's never made me happy or feel nurtured. Being with my friends is what makes me feel happy and nurtured - fortunately I have good, caring friends, including the ex lover mentioned above. I'm no longer convinced that marriage / commitment has anything to offer me - that's not a negative or cynical thought, more a realisation that my space ad self-nurture are more important. And of course the well-being of my daughters.
And before I ramble on too long, I'd just like to point out that if you're a single mum and you work (usually, let's face it, in a crap-paid job) having your partner move in and losing your working & child tax credit is financial suicide - cos unless the guy is pulling in megabucks and is very generous with his contribution to the household expenses the result is £OUCH! Fi x