New Single Mum, Devon.

Eeyore73

Hi Im Marie, just become a single mum of a 11 year old daughter and 9 year old son. We live in Devon, would love to hear from anyone in the devon area.

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 3:43pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Eeyore73

I wonder if you, like me, are a fan of Winnie the Pooh?

You are very welcome here and we do hope that you will join in with the different threads and get to know everyone.

You say you are new to single parenthood, how is it going and how are you coping?

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 5:03pm

sparklinglime

I'm from North Wales, but am often online.

Hope you're doing ok with things.

Best wishes.

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 5:29pm

Bubblegum

I went to Devon once, a road trip one summer with some friends, I stole a casette from Wollworths (Toni Basil) and ate lots of things with cream.

Mickey

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 5:32pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Eeyore73 always wondered who stole that, Bubblegum :-)

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 8:38pm

Eeyore73

Hello Louise,

Yes a fan of Winnie the Pooh and Disney.

Very new to single parenthood, only 3 weeks. Just about coping, felt like my world was falling apart for the first week, but slowly getting there, thanks to very good neighbours and a few friends. Just feel sorry for my daughter who has taken it badly. I know we will get strong over the next few months.

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 10:04pm

Eeyore73

Hi Bubblegum,

Yeah they do like cream down here. Original from Cheshire, but met the ex and never went home.

Posted on: March 10, 2010 - 10:07pm

hazeleyes

Hi Eeyore 73

Welcome to One Space. You really are very new to the single parent thing. Its sooooooo early days for you all. Really good that you have neighbours and friends to help you. Has your ex seen the kids since he left?

My Aunt used to live in Devon, Exeter. Unfortunately I have never been, unlike our 'online thief'. Am not looking at Bubblegum honestly, hehehe.

Take care Eeyore 73, look forward to chatting.

Alison

Posted on: March 11, 2010 - 10:08am

Eeyore73

Hi,

Thanks. The Ex has seen the kids only on Sundays since he left, I had a go at him, coz hes not phoning at all during the week to see if they are ok. Must have worked because he phoned last night. Not bothered about me, it just feels like he's back to a single life and dating (slag) and that the kids dont exsist which makes me soooooo angry.

He's also being a git about whether I can stay in the house, only moved in 3 years ago. Stupid me - thought I had it all, lovely house, great neighbours, loving partners, brillant (But grumpy) kids, job. Then I found out he was seeing someone whilst I was away with work, bubble exploded.

Lots to sort out. Hes not the man I thought he was dont know if that is from outside influences.

Take Care

Mariex

Posted on: March 11, 2010 - 10:53am

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi again Eeyore73

You're right, there is a lot to sort out. Your daughter is bound to have a bad reaction at first, just keep reassuring her and things will settle down.

That is really difficult if you are needing to know what is happening about the house. Is it rented? bought with a mortgage? Whose name is it in?

I don't know if you have had any legal advice yet but you should not leave it too long. See www.communitylegaladvice.org.uk/en/directory/directorysearch.jsp to find an adviser

Posted on: March 11, 2010 - 11:16am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Eeyore73, welcome from me too!

It sounds as if you are keeping strong and recognise that things will get better as time goes on.

How are you coping with your daughter missing her dad? Is it wearing you down? Does she know the reason he left? What have you told them?

When ex's leave for another partner, I have noticed that they seem to disappear of the scene for a while, however once the 'honeymoon' period is over in their new relationship, if they have any sense of responsibility in them, they recognise the impact on the children and make the effort. Unfortunately as we are the ones left holding it all together, we have to just wait and see what choices they make.

Louise's suggestion of getting some legal advice now, is a good one, let us know what happens with that.

Posted on: March 11, 2010 - 11:37am

Eeyore73

Hi Louise and Anna,

Thanks for the advice, sounds strange, but I went to see the solicitor the day after I found out, as we weren't married and kids born pre 2003, so lots of complications. We are joint mortgage for the house, I'm trying to get him to pay half the mortgage instead of CM, for at least a couple of years, he was a decent man before this, so I hoping that he will do the right thing by his kids anyway.

Kids really arent missing him, they both know he was seeing someone else. Daughter is finding it hard, but is full of hormones (nearly 12), she keeps asking questions like if he wants to come back in 6 months will you let him. She doesnt understand that things wont be the same between us (and after what I have seen of the slag dont think I would want him near me again). Son is blocking the whole thing out, going over his head. But he is amazing keeps tell me we are strong and things will get better.

Just need to sort out the house, as I know I can be a single mum, feel like Ive been doing it for a couple of years anyway.

Take care and thanks again for the advice.

Posted on: March 11, 2010 - 12:22pm

Bubblegum

I prefer being a single parent and find it a lot easier than before when I wasn't : ) there were a couple of months in between where it was all a bit up in the air and random and confussing and worrying but now its all good : )

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 9:27am

Eeyore73

it does seem strange being a single parent probably because I never thought I would be!, people are already treating me differently don't know why I'm still the same person.

The ex really didn't get invovled that much with the kids, he was there if they needed taking somewhere but wasn't into sitting down talking, playing a game or just watching a dvd - don't know if that was a man thing?

L is driving me mad at the mo one minute shes all polite, does exactly what I tell her, next is anger and attitude. My fault told her to be angry at me and not her bro, I can cope with that, but has anyone else got an 11 year old, who seems to have a major attitude towards their mum.

Anyway J is back from a school residential trip, so I am sure that there will be lots are arguements over the next couple of days.

Hope you all have a good weekend and Mothering Sunday for all those great Mums.

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 10:17am

Bubblegum

My son's teacher is off at the moment and he gets a different supply teacher everyday from what he says, so I don't suppose they know his home situation but he came home with a card he'd made to mother and he said.. I know you're not my mum but I did it for you anyway..

: )

She also mistook him for a girl, but he's used to that now with is long hair in a head scarf : )

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 2:37pm

Eeyore73

Hi Bubblegum,

thats so sweet. J gets mistaken for a girl on the phone!!

Its the ex's mums 70th on mothers day, so I have just made a card for her and he will have to explain why I'm not at the party!!

The sun is shining, and the weekends awaits.

:)))

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 4:04pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Eeyore73

Great to hear you sound so up, it sounds as though you are looking forward to the weekend. Great that you have been to the solicitors too. I do hope your ex recognises the benefits of paying the mortgage rather then Child Maintenance, I am sure it will keep everything much more amicable.

It is funny that you say you never expected to be a single mum! So many people have been on this site and said the same thing! I think it is actually very rare for women to have babies knowing they are going to be raising them alone, regardless of what the media may portray.

Bubblegum, that is soo sweet that your boy thinks of you as his mummy!! I loved your post, it is good to be a single parent after a lot of negative vibes between you and your ex partner, in fact it can be quite refreshing!

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 5:32pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Eeyore73, you mentioned your daughter being up and down and all over the place, I believe this is hormonal! I have a 15 year old and she is exactly the same, sweet as pie sometimes, does as she is told, but boy she can also be really sulky too, all within the space of 10 minutes !!

It is hard to not snap back, sometimes I find that I have to go and write down a whole page of what I am feeling! Lines and lines of .....BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TOO. BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TOO. I AM RIGHT. I AM THE ADULT. YOU ARE THE CHILD!!

Does this sound a bit crazy??! I think it is important though to try and have quality time with them and keep reminding them of their good traits and as they go through their teenage years, they can be pretty awful, it will remind us too!!

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 5:42pm

Eeyore73

Hi Anna,

I have to walk away from L, then she gets even more sulky as I have walked away. J has just got back from the school residential and she is already having a go at him, because hes not brought her anything back. The thing that annoys me most I am sure we were the same at that age, she thinks no matter what she is always right, even if you can prove that shes wrong.

I was on an up, until I walked in the door, flaming tax office are a pain, told them as soon as he left all my details, all the forms they sent we wrong even calling me Mrs, phoned them so thats ok nothing will change now they've come back with less money. Why??? Just dont get it, on their on website I should be getting more money not less. RANT over.

Weekend kids asked for sleep over at Grandmas (ex's mum) but still not heard nothing, he has them sunday as its Grandmas 70th. I have a really good friend over for dinner Sunday, will be good to catch up.

Hope you all have good weekens.

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 6:07pm

Bubblegum

I promised myself when mine were first born that I was never going to say 'because I say so' or 'because I told you so' and things like that that my parents used to say..

Now though I have come to appreciate just why they used to say them : )

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 8:18pm

Eeyore73

I know that feeling, there are times when I say things and I think that sounds so much like what my mum used to say to me. Do we turn into our Parents?? :))

Ex arrived to see if J had a good week away, surprised will pick them up tomorrow night. Still doesnt want to talk and sort some stuff out - hes needs a mum :P

Posted on: March 12, 2010 - 8:26pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello Eeyore 73

Erm yes...sometimes we can turn into our parents.....

As for your remark that the children's dad needs mothering, you may find that over the coming weeks he expects you to feel motherly towards him, I have seen that quite a lot. I guess you need to stay polite but firm and keep an emotional distance.

Your children may well be angry about what has happened and whilst Anna's comments about teenagers are very true, hopefully the anger will settle in the coming weeks

Hope the weekend will work out well for you

Posted on: March 13, 2010 - 9:47am

Eeyore73

HI All,

Hope your weekends went well.

Things aren't going to well, I gave Ex a list of things that need to be sorted, but he can't or doesn't want to talk to me. There is no communication between us at the moment, he comes and picks the kids up, asks when they need to be back and thats it. When he drops them back he just says bye. Did anyone else have this? I really want to get things sorted, so I know where I stand, but its almost like he is stalling. Someone said its almost like hes keeping the door open if his new life doesn't work out!!

I would really like to sort things out between us, so its not warring parents, but if I talk, he doesnt take any notice. Does anyone have any suggestions.

Posted on: March 14, 2010 - 10:45pm

sparklinglime

My 11 year old (my youngest, a boy) had a major talking to about attitude last night. I'm guessing having a go at the wall will be more effective!

In a way, it's good that your ex is restricting conversation as he does. It might be an idea to make the letter formal with the actions you want him to take, and to put a date by which time you want these things done.

It might work, or it might not.

While The Git wouldn't speak to me, he would, in the first three years, usually respond to a letter.

Its a time filled with frustration.

Posted on: March 15, 2010 - 11:36am

Eeyore73

Hi,

Frustration is sure. I gave him a list without dates, but all he has said until I know what benefits I will be entitled to, he isn't going to do anything else as we may have to sell the house. Said it is going to be a year of see how it goes money wise, but there are other things he could sort out.

The hols are nearly upon us and he's not saying if he is taking time off, neighbour just say you are having them this week.

Just feel like I'm on a roundabout at the mo, and cant see the way to go forward. I just want all his stuff out of the house and things sorted, so I can start again.

Posted on: March 15, 2010 - 11:49am

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi Eeyore 73

I don't have any suggestions other than to try and learn to separate from them, think about what is good/right for us. Find out about you, not you as a couple.

Although I had a really bad break up with my daughters dad, after a while, I thought, lets just get back on good terms and sort this out like adults. But every time I tried, he thought I was trying to get back with him!

He will probably being feeling a lot of guilt over leaving the relationship and family and not be able to communicate at the moment. We have to just let it lie and get on with our own lives. He will do what he can (or what he wants) and from experience there is not a lot we can do about it.

You have to just think of you and your children now and how you want to go forward.

How is your daughter? I wondered if you and she could have a girly session together, reaffirm your bond? Perhaps a girly video, whilst son is staying over at friends, or letting her stay up a little longer to spend some quality time with you?

You have had so much to deal with recently, I wonder if it is possible to take a break from thinking about it all and just 'be' with her for a while?

Posted on: March 15, 2010 - 1:12pm

Beachcomber

Hi there - I am in Torbay - me and my 7 year old son (almost 8, mustn't forget that bit....!!!). Whereabouts are you? :)

Posted on: March 18, 2010 - 11:19am

Eeyore73

Hi Beachcomber,

I'm in Tiverton, boy 9 almost 10, and girl 11 almost 12 but going on 18. How long have you been a single mum?

M x

Posted on: March 18, 2010 - 8:18pm