Hi T
My youngest was 5 when we split up five years ago. Their father lives in the same town, yet sees them very irregularly.
My youngest is the only one who will ask why The Git (my name for him :D the children do refer to him as dad :roll: ) doesn't see them.
It did hurt them, but I do tell them that dad has chosen a new life, and he's happy with his new life, they know I've done all I can to encourage him to see them. I've asked the children if it's good that daddy is now happy, and they say yes - and to be fair, I don't begrudge him his happiness. I also tell them that in his new life he is very busy, but loves them dearly and will see them when he can.
Youngest will ask me to text him to ask when he's seeing them, and I refuse. I do tell them he won't answer.
It doesn't make it easier for your son, or for you. But being brutally honest might help him realise that his dad really does have other priorities and there's nothing you can do to change it.
Sorry, I know it doesn't help. Your son is bright, so the brutal bit, while keeping is dad in a good light, will work in time...
I don't understand the mentality of, in this case, their fathers.
Hi treza01
I just wanted to add that I agree that Honesty is absolutely the best policy. I think Louise's suggestion about telling our children that we don't understand it either, but we recognise that it must hurt and then changing the subject and doing something fun, is really good. It means we acknowledge their feelings, we are not slamming their absent parent, then we are showing them that we are all that they need!! ;)
As he gets older (teens) I do think it is important that you do discuss with him that you don't think it is acceptable to have a child and then not have contact with it, as the last thing we want our boy children to think is that it is appropriate behaviour.
How are things now??
I'm glad you're in contact with his family though, as it's so good to have their support.
I still see my ex-in-laws regularly - go there virtually every week with the children for tea. She's his step mother though, and has known me as long as she's known him! My father-in-law still thinks his son is faultless, although disappointed in his lack of responsibility towards the children.
Thinking of you and sending your strength and patience.
Hello again treaza01
It must be heartbreaking to hear your boy talk about his dad as a superhero. It may help to know that he WILL be able to make his own mind up in time and as you say he is only four, and at least at this age they are quite distractable......
It's great that you have the support of his family. I wonder how THEY speak of him in your boy's presence? It might be worth sharing with your inlaws what your "policy" is so that everyone takes the same line?
Hi treza01
I was just reading your latest post and it made me think about an old boyfriend of mine!
He didn't have a good relationship with his father and didn't respect him (his father is dead now).
Anyhow whenever we watched telly and Teddy Atlas (boxing trainer) or Billy Connolly (and a few others) was on, he would say - that's my adopted dad that is! From a young age he had chosen good male role models to be his adopted dad! And tried to eminate them (in a good way, not a weird way!!) or think what he could do to make them proud! I was watching Morgan Freeman not so long ago and I decided he was my adopted dad, he has such a nice face I think! My daughter is older than your son, but she doesn't have a very positive father figure, and now sees actors and sportstars and says the same thing too!
I only share this because it takes away the emphasis on that one particular person and means that 'good' men are the best role models who should be admired and respected.
daddy has a new life and although iv tried to speak to him he wont see mummy etc etc
When I read this, I thought of myself saying very similar stuff, we shouldn't have to explain or let them think that daddy doesn't listen to mummy, (they might think they don't have to either :o ) So as a suggestion, maybe you can just make it even simpler and just say 'I don't know' and then add the previous stuff as discussed earlier. At least for now while he is so little, because I imagine it takes it out of you everytime.
Its not easy and it is something that only single parents can relate to, so best wishes to you :)
I have just heard that Morgan Freeman is to marry his step grand-daughter, eugh! He is no longer my adopted dad!
:shock:
:(
oh heck.
He was a hero of mine...
Oh we still have to have SOME heroes!
Aye, but that's quite a hero to loose.
yes I always like his films but unlike Anna I did not see him in a "paternal" way, it was a bit more personal than that! :o
Ooh errr, Louise! Who are your heroes?
yes I always like his films but unlike Anna I did not see him in a "paternal" way, it was a bit more personal than that! :o
really... 8-) :lol: :D
Hello treza
How sad for your boy! And sad for you to see this.....
Sparkling lime may have some words of wisdom for you on this one as she has been through similar with the father of her children.
There are a couple of ways you could go with this one. You could write the other parent a letter saying that your boy misses him and wants a dad in his life and you would like to establish regualr contact and a relationship. You could say in the letter that this has been distressing your boy so much that if this time his dad does not respond then this is his dad's last chance. You could say that you are prepared to go to mediation to sort out the details (http://www.nfm.org.uk/index.php?page=Local Offices). Enclosing a picture/card from your boy and signed by him might also tug the heart-strings.
If you feel that you have been far enough down that road and doing this will not get you anywhere, you could try a bit of a reverse psychology and write to him saying that as he has not bothered with your boy for a year and a half, it is upsetting him and you have decided to cut off all contact with him and for him not to see your boy. This might "provoke" him into a reaction (he could have just been drifting along)...strange how people get cross when what are perceived as their "rights" are taken away.
You will have to be honest with your son to a degree....but there is a world of difference between "daddy doesn't care, he's an absolute b*******" and "what a shame daddy can't come to see you, I know you are sad and I wish he could come and see you too, I don't know why he doesn't, you are such a lovely boy. Let's go and xxxxxxxxx" As he gets much older, if there is still no contact, try not to criticise his dad but say "it is because daddy didn't want to be with mummy, that's why you never see him". Give your son lots of praise and encouragement and surround him with other adults that do the same.
Sadly, we cannot FORCE the other parent to share our love and interest for our children, I wish we could!