Hi i'm mum
Sounds like you at a complete loss of how to deal with this and I completely understand. I think what sparklinglime hits the nail on the head though.
As cold as this sounds, there's very little you can do other than deal with it. The non-resident parent cannot be made to do things in a way the parent with care would like.
We just have to deal with our childrens emotions the best way we can and be there always. We can't control other people, we have to just look out for ourselves. I also like what sparklinglime said about:
telling them that dad was busy and they simply had to deal with it
When my daughter was small her Daddy used to let her down often, she would have packed her mini suitcase and be waiting by the window, minutes would pass then hours. I used to cover for him and then soften the blow by saying Daddy loves her and he must be caught in traffic, or had to work or his car might have broken down etc etc etc This went on for 3 years
But then one day I thought this is crazy, I am telling her he loves her all the time and how important she is to him and how much he wishes he could spend more time with her, but really actions actually speak louder than words.
It made me realise that I was telling her that this is how you treat someone you love and I realised that she would grow up and accept this type of behaviour from boyfriends etc.
So I started to tell her that I knew her Daddy loved her, but it was a funny way of showing it, that I thought he should always be there, that raging bulls wouldn’t stop me from spending time with her. I told her what I expected of him and basically became much more honest with her.
Our relationship changed and we became much closer, so that when he let her down, we raised our eyebrows to the roof, said that he was rubbish, then went and had some fun.
She is a teenager now and lovely and as the years have gone by she has become more assertive and confident.
Its a fine line, we want our children to be happy and feel secure, but I believe the sooner they learn the lesson that this is not how you treat people you love the better.
Be strong for your girl, she is going to have to accept that this might well be the way its going to be from now on.
I also wanted to add I'm mum, that my folks split up when i was 21, I spent 15 years wishing my dad would give me some quality time, because whenever I saw him, his new wife was there, even though I asked him for it to be just us. I used to feel neglected and unimportant. I have only just got over it.
I wish my mum had been more direct with me, rather than feeling my pain and feeling very sad about the situation. That she had said - face it, that is the way he is.
Its tough love, but it helps deal with things much quicker.
Good Luck, let us know how things go
I don't have to make excuses now with my lot, they know dad has a new life.
Last year, I was driving my oldest son around, trying to find a place for him at a garage to attend college (didn't work out, college made a mistake). He spoke about his dad and I said well, I can't imagine dad making time for you to do this. His reply was 'I know he loves us, but I know he can't be bothered with us'.
I'm looking forward to the other three saying the same to me :D Shows I'm a very nasty person!!
I do so agree with Anna.
Each time ex let them down, I'd throw them in the car and we'd go for a ride to the beach or somewhere nice (and cheap!). I always told them that I was really happy when dad cancelled as I had more time to be with them. It made them know they weren't a burden to me.
Hi
I think that's a fair enough response.
I just wonder if the cancellations are more regular if it is worth Dad ringing when he's definitely going to see her. My lot now realise that it could be two or three weeks between visits, but when they do hear it is a positive request from their father, which I feel my children deal with better. The tears and anger I had when he cancelled I found very hard to deal with.
My children have asked their father to see more of them. He still doesn't.
I'm sorry your daughter and you are having to deal with this.
Hi again i'mmum
it's hard when your daughter's dad lets her down :( I think sparkling lime's idea is a good one ie he phones before he sees her if he lets her down a lot. As for what to say to her, it must be difficult NOT to criticise the other parent, especially if they have also let YOU down in the past........but I was wondering if maybe you could say something like "Oh well, never mind, your dad must be busy, let's us have some fun instead.." or "oh that's a shame but it means we can get some extra time together, which I love. What shall we do?"
Take care
Louise :)
Hi i'mmum
"that just how your Daddy is"
"that's your dad all over"
I think saying these things are fine, there is no right or wrong way of explaining stuff to our children, only our way and what we feel comfortable with.
I am hoping that when you said this you were being bright and breezy and honest without spite, because the words are the same but children can always read the underlying feeling.
Glad to hear that things are a little calmer :)
Hi
I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this.
As cold as this sounds, there's very little you can do other than deal with it. The non-resident parent cannot be made to do things in a way the parent with care would like.
My youngest was 5 when I left my ex - it will be 5 years in March.
Next part is very long and boring - don't read if you don't want to.
Ex cancelled more contact time with each girlfriend he met. He was in contact with the first before we actually separated. His girlfriend's have always taken priority. He has married the third - in America last October (I had everything crossed he would have stayed there!). He chose the contact time he wanted, going down the "every other weekend and one evening a week route" (didn't want to know when I suggested extra times). 18 months ago, when my son then 15 year old son broke down after yet another cancellation, I changed contact to 24 hours notice, and if the children were available then, if they wanted to go - more often than not, my oldest son chooses not to go.
Even though I bought my two older children mobiles (I have four children) so their father had a choice to contact them that way rather than the landline, but he has never phoned them.
I was always positive - as you are - about daddy and his girlfriends. I did tell them that dad had chosen a new life, dad was happy and therefore we need to be happy for him. I always assured them that their dad loves them.
I went down the route of solicitors letters to try and get him to see them more often. It is futile.
The kindest thing you can do for yourself is accept that this is how he wants to play it. I was hard on my children, telling them that dad was busy and they simply had to deal with it. They got used to this very quickly, despite their father telling them I was being unreasonable with the 24 hour notice thing. My older two knew what was in the letter, and knew it wasn't unreasonable.
Now there is no regular contact - and so no cancellations, which was heartbreaking for the children - and made me so angry! When contact is requested now it's a positive thing in the eyes of the children.
Things were, I felt, amicable with my ex when we first separated. If there were issues, I felt I could discuss them with him. Things are now totally hostile, but there have been issues to make it so.
He is happy. The children love him to bits. I'm assured that's all that matters (I know it does really).
I'm the one who had to deal with the fall-out of him not seeing the children, and have to deal with the fact he chooses not to be responsible for them and chooses to be dishonest when it comes to maintenance.