Hi Sam
Welcome. You sound like you are at the end of your tether. If you have already tried various things with your daughter, how about simply ignoring the bad behaviour. Don't give her any reaction at all. I know this is a lot easier said than done, but I guess you can only try. Reward her for good behaviour. Once she has settled after an 'episode', sit her down, and explain that you are not putting up with it, and that her behaviour isn't getting her anywhere.
Can I ask if you have been a single parent for long? Maybe, if it is recent, then this could be her way of reacting to it.
When she plays up, take yourself away from the situation (if you can), go into the garden. Bite your tongue and don't shout, (again, easier said than done)
Keep reassuring her that you love her, and give plenty of cuddles.
You will get so much help and support here, so keep posting ok?
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Sam
I know that feeling about the vicious circle. It is extremely hard with no support. I'm guessing it must be very distressing for your daughter. She doesn't see her own father, then she has 'fatherly' figure in her life, (your son's father). Now you say, he doesn't have anything to do with her. That is a terrible thing for her to deal with. She can't possibly understand what is happening. Just keep on with the reassurance, and plenty of hugs etc. It will all come right in the end Sam. It doesn't seem like that now, but it will eventually get better.
Maybe ask your mum and dad for a bit more support. Explain to them how you are feeling.
Take lots of care.
Hugs for you and your daughter.
Alison
x :)
Hello sam1981
Poor you, you sound soooo stressed out, and no wonder! The others have come up with some good idea for you :)
You have totally hit the nail on the head: it is indeed a vicious circle, and it can seem to get worse as the day goes on. However, it is important you get hold of this now as she will be harder work the older she gets unless she gets the idea fairly soon that you are the boss! You have to feel fairly strong to put a campaign into action, so dont try and start it when you have other stresses going on or when you have PMT, for example ;) It's important you are able to stay calm during your campaign. At the age of six, most children love the idea of rules and routine. Enlist the help of your child's teacher in giving her reports on how your child has been at home.( I used sometimes to shake my head in mock sorrow and say "Oh dear oh dear I will have to phone Miss X" and pick up the phone and have a pretend conversation, when mine were impossible).
At the same time praise, praise and more praise whenever she does the slightest thing right, whether it is sitting quietly for two minutes or saying please when she asks for something. You may feel a bit silly being so enthusiastic about something so minor (first, eye contact, then "Hey you are dressed in your school uniform, Well done!!! I am really pleased with you, what a lovely girl you are, I am so proud of you" ...and a kiss or hug) but it will really help and she won't think it is silly. She feels rejected by her father figure and she is scared you will reject her too so she is behaving as badly as possible to prove to herself time and time again that you will not leave, whatever she does.
Take care
Hey Louise
I have those imaginary phone calls too, :lol: :lol:
Have to say they do work ;)
Mine normally occur when my son is playing up, and I 'make the phone call to the school', or I make the call to a friends mum. 'hello, I am having a bit of a problem with ......., so at the moment, I'm afraid the visit is cancelled. Of course I will ring you if anything changes'.
I feel completely stupid talking to a dead end, but it does work eh. :)
Have a good day.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hi Sam
How are you doing today? I hope you've had a good morning so far, and hopefully this afternoon will be good too. My thoughts are with you.
Alison
x :)
Hi sam1981
Thank you for sharing your worries, I recognise your situation. I think Louise explains really what is going on for your girl:
She feels rejected by her father figure and she is scared you will reject her too so she is behaving as badly as possible to prove to herself time and time again that you will not leave, whatever she does.
She may also feel that she is not a nice person seeing as these people keep leaving her, so by making you shout at her is proving herself right.
I went through something quite similar when my daughter was small. I would REALLY recommend a parenting programme - it doesn't mean that you are a bad parent, quite the opposite, it means you want to be an even better parent!
I learnt that I needed to spend more 'quality' time with my daughter, I spent so much time, cleaning, cooking, etc etc etc that I never actually stopped and sat with her. Gave myself to her, laughed at things she found funny. Basically made her feel important.
Have a look at our articles on behaviour in our Info Library: http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/behaviour, they give some good information around enhancing our relationship with our children.
I know that when we are at the end of our tether it is really hard to find the extra umph for our kids, however, we have to!
Is there anything that you enjoy that you find destressing? So that you can find your inner strength and resolve? What others have said about Ignore and then Praise, is a very good tactic too. Ignore bad behaviour, but as soon as any good behaviour is shown, praise instantly in happy voice.
She wants to be good and she wants to be loved, she is just testing you. It can sometimes feel like a battle of wills, but remember you are the parent and the one in charge. You don't need to shout to make this known. Find a parenting class to learn other strategies and also to know you are not alone, I think every one of us has been through this.
I hope you have a good day today, remember to treat yourself, so mummy feels good. Children love to see us feeling happy.
Do you think you are able to ignore bad behaviour??
Hi Sam
How are things going? Have you tried out any technics with your daughter yet? If yes, how is she dealing with it? I hope you are now getting the support you need. Please let us know how you are doing.
Take care, and best of luck.
Alison
x :)
Hi all
I have a friend with a 6 year old, my son is 7. I am starting to resent the fact, and have to admit am getting a bit cross, as my friend feels the need to tell my son off, even when I've already told him!!! I have told her in the past that she is a bit quick off the mark to 'have a go' at my son, but she never seems to notice what her son does! This has been bugging me all week, as they had a sleep over at the weekend, and she told me, (in drink) that my son is nasty! That truely hurt me, but I let it go, because of the enviroment we were in. I admit, my son is very quick with his mouth to tell if her son is told off at school. I have told him no end of times, that this isn't anyone else's business but the boys, teachers, and his mothers.
Yesterday, leaving school, my son told my friend that her child had been told off for something. Immediately I jumped on this, and told my son that it didn't matter, and to remember what we had spoken about. No sooner had I said that, then he went on to say something else. I tried very hard to stop it turning into another reason for her having a go at him, but it didn't work. Once home, I couldn't stop myself really having a go at my 7 year old. He got upset, I got upset. This morning, I took him to school, and went inside to see exactly what was on the wall outside this other boys classroom. My son was right about it all. A new teacher has obviously decided to name and shame the children by putting things up about different behaviour. My friends son's name was up, which is what my son had been telling us about. I immediately apologised to my boy, and feel so guilty still for giving him such a hard time. I did still tell him however that even if he sees something that the boy is doing wrong, he is not to say anything to the mother. My son did write a note to the boy this morn saying he didn't want him to get told off again, and that is why he said what he did last night.
Sorry, didn't quite finish, and ran out of space.
I would never dream of telling another child off when their parent is present. Her son gives little kicks and punches, and my son retaliates with his mouth, and then he is pulled up for it. I don't want to fall out with my friend over this, and told her that they are kids, and to let them sort it out for themselves, (unless of course the problem gets out of hand). I find that it's always me telling my son off, and really he is defending himself, not physically, but orally. She treats my son as if he is older than 7, because he is so bright, and I keep reminding her that he is still 7, just a year older than her own.
Am really frustrated about the whole thing.
She herself went into the school this morning, so she must have seen for herself what was on the wall, (you can't miss it). I feel that maybe she should have said something to me, but she didn't.
Does this all make sense? She has also made the odd comment that only children are spoilt. My son certainly isn't. The only thing I spoil him with is my time, definately not material things. Can feel myself getting more angry as I write this. I don't think I'm a bad parent, and if anything, I think I come down too hard on him, because I don't want people thinking he comes from one parent, and all the stigma that is attached.
Hi Sam
How are you doing? I found yesterday, that I need to practice what I preach! :lol:
There was I the other day giving advice to you about trying not to shout at your daughter, and there was me yelling at my son. Each time I do this, it leaves me feeling completely guilty. I have apologised to him this morning, but he was right and I was wrong. Wrong to really shout and yell. I try and put myself in his shoes, at age 7, and how he must feel with me towering over him. I do look at him, and think he doesn't give a monkeys, because at the time, he doesn't look too bothered, which makes me madder, and so the pattern goes on. I reeled off in the above posts what made me blow yesterday. A silly little thing, but at that time, it felt huge. I guess because I had more pressure than I needed.
I just wanted you to know, no parent is perfect. It doesn't matter if you're in a two parent family, or a single one. I wish at times, I had batteries inside me, that I could take out, you know like toys. (I'm sure my son would like that too).
Wish you well, take care
Alison
x :)
Hi alisoncam
Thanks for getting all that down. I think this is a very common occurrence when our children are at this age, I too went through the same thing. As soon as someone else tells off our babies, we then become hugely defensive and lose all crossness we originally had with them, which completely defeats the object of us trying to discipline them! It is SOO frustrating! :roll:
Children at this age often want to report to adults the wrong doing of others as they want to see fair punishment distributed.
I did still tell him however that even if he sees something that the boy is doing wrong, he is not to say anything to the mother
I am not trying to nit pick your post alisoncam, however when I read the above, I wondered if it would be worth re-iterating to him, that if a teacher has already told the boy off, he doesn't need to tell the mum himself, however if no-one knows about it, it is important that he tells someone. I know you think this anyway as regards to the bullying, I just read it and thought, it is important that they know the difference, between perhaps telling a tale and reporting something.
I think he did it to show the other mum that HE had been a good boy and it was her son who had been naughty and he probably wanted her to tell him off in front of your son, if she is always quick to tell your boy off.
As for the shouting thing, as you say, we have all done it. When we shout at our kids it is normal for them to be act nonchalant as they can see we have lost it and it is a defence mechanism. If we are really cross with them and need to get the point across, the best solution I have found is to get down to their level, gain eye contact and speak in a low deep voice. They can then see you are serious, won't lose eye contact and they can't run away!! :)
Hi Anna
I think you've hit it spot on. I honestly think my son does tell, hoping the boy will get a telling off. He doesn't tend to do it with other parents. I find that I go more over the top when my son has been told off by someone else. For some reason, (and it's probably completely crazy), I feel as if people are being critical because of me being a single parent. So many people have told me that my son is a credit to me, which is always great to hear, and then I get someone undermining me by telling him off, when I've already done so.
Boy, being a parent is hard
Take care Anna
Hope you have a lovely weekend
Alison
x
Hi alisoncam, I had a lovely weekend thank you, I hope you did too!
For some reason, (and it's probably completely crazy), I feel as if people are being critical because of me being a single parent.
I know that feeling!! :shock:
But remember we don't know what other people are thinking and it is OUR opinions that count anyway. It sounds as if you are doing a mighty fine job with your son, so give yourself a pat on the back and keep BELIEVING in you! :)
Hi
I'm sorry you're going through this.
How does your daughter behave at school?
I attended a Webster Stratton course which can help deal with children's behaviour. I have to say it was brilliant with ideas - even though I may not put them into practice.
The main one was ignore. It's really incredibly hard. Basically, you completely ignore your daughter's behaviour until she's good. If you ask her to do something and she refuses, then you ignore her. If she does what she asks then it's lots of hugs and praise. It does actually seem to work.
Distraction is good too, to get them away from the situation that is causing the upset. Perhaps going out to the park to let of steam.
I'm also wondering what support you have? Are you at home or working? I'm wondering if Gingerbread could possibly offer some support
http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/portal/page/portal/Website/For%20lone%20parents
There could be a group in your area with parents who could well have suggestions.
I understand where you're coming from with your youngest copying her. My youngest would do the same as my now 13 year old who has special needs. It could make things very challenging at times.
If you can you need to be consistent in how you deal with things, and try and keep a routine at the end of the day for bedtime. My health visitor, with my eldest, told me to bath him, take him through to bed, story and sleep. It worked. I had been taking him back in the living room after a bath.
Hopefully we can over you a bit of an outlet here.