Hi curlyburly, sorry for the delay in getting in touch with you.
Teenagers seem to spend much more time in front of computer screens than even a generation ago, whether it be at home in their bedroom or round at their friends houses, it seems to be the most time consuming activity that they have.
Its hard as our little ones grow and don't listen and obey on command, it is a transition for both of you. It is really important to keep communication open, these days you may find that just listening is better than trying to get your point across!
If he is neglecting chores then it is important that these get done and that you are happy with his contribution to the house, is that a problem? Or do you just feel that he is melting away into cyberland?
When I was a teenager my parents often complained that they didn't know where I was, so there is always a bright side!! He is keeping out of trouble!
There are ways that you could work a schedule together, if you would be interested we could discuss that? Does anyone else have the same issues with their children/teenagers?
Gosh! I'm stunned she's not invited you to the wedding. You must be totally floored by that.
I don't know what to suggest.
My tale... I wasn't particularly close to my mum as she started to work full time the day I started school. We got ok, just our paths didn't cross. When I got married the photographer told me and mum to hold hands. In the end he had to sort us out! We had no idea how to hold hands.
My dad died when I was 29, two weeks before my first child was born. I was lucky as mum and I actually got on ok, and we had five brilliant years until she died.
Until that point we had little to do with each other, but then neither did we argue - I just ignored what she used to say.
Whether, as you daughter gets older, in time she realises how she's behaving, I don't know. As I was saying with my foster sister, her behaviour hasn't improved. Her son's behaviour is terrible too - very violent.
It's easy for me to suggest that you let her lead her own life. I'm not sure how I would be able to deal with that.
I think I would send a lovely wedding card and say how much she is loved and how sorry you are to be missing out on her special day. And somehow try to have a quiet but special day somewhere - as I'm sure it will very much on your mind.
What does your other child have to say? (sorry, I don't know if this is a daughter or son)
Sending loads of hugs your way.
Sometimes stepping back is the way to move forward. It might help with your confidence moving away from the upset.
It must be hard on your younger daughter too, maybe a bit of focus there for a while.
Keeping boundaries in place too so your older daughter realises she has made choices.
I honestly don't know how I would cope.
This bit has nothing to do with children, but my divorce. I found that accepting my ex's behaviour instead of being stressed or angry over it as made things a lot easier. He has "won" as he has kept control over life. But I'm calmer now. Maybe trying to accept how she is behaving at the moment, and realising this is her choice to be this way might help a little.
I hope the sun is shining where you are, and maybe a picnic with your youngest daughter would be a bit of 'time out'. I think they like picnic's at any age!
My very best wishes.
Hi Petrie
Thanks for sharing. I think Sparkling Lime has given you some fab suggestions. Our children have no idea how much they can hurt us.....I have a friend who has 4 kids and one of his sons was quite distant with him after his marriage breakdown. Once this lad became a dad , he suddenly wanted to be close to his dad, almost as if knowing how it felt to be a parent, he finally knew how his dad felt about him. All you can do is stay loving, make sure she knows you are there for her and basically let her make her own life. It's agony though :cry: but at least you will be there if she needs you
Take care
Louise :)
Hi petrie
You say that you have done the Freedom Programme, I hope that this gave you the insight that none of this is your fault. Your daughter is deliberately trying to hurt you and you may never know the reasons why.
As with any violent relationship, I would say as sparkling has said, you need to let her get on with her life and most importantly look after you. I can understand that you want to be part of her life and help her get through these difficult times, but you are the important one here, your daughter has grown up. You need to protect yourself with that bullet proof vest and know that you ARE OK.
Take time out for yourself, treat yourself, do things that you enjoy and have not done in the past.
When my folks divorced I was in my 20's, I had been a complete nightmare throughout my teens and into my 20's. I had a new baby and needed my mum, but she decided that she would go off travelling to get over the breakdown of her relationship. I thought this was so selfish of her, I needed her and she wasn't there being a proper mum. As it turned out when she came back, she was a different woman, she was much more confident and actually said 'NO' to me more than ever before. (When I needed her most) I felt completely let down by her for a long time.
But now I respect her more than ever, no she doesn't babysit when I need her to, nor does she give me money when I can't pay the bills, she doesn't even help with the washing up when she has been over for a meal. But she looks out for herself, number one, and I have learnt from her, I have taken a leaf out of her book, which ultimately means that my daughter can't twist me around her little finger as much as she used to and god help any man that expects me to be a pushover!
As women we have been expected to be the carer of our family's emotional wellbeing, which is all well and good, but until our family respect us, we will have no control.
Sorry a bit of a long story there, I hope you get what I am trying to say, basically look after you first, selfish as it may seem. ;)
Hi petrie
I love reading posts like yours, I am not saying that a magic wand has been waved and all is wonderful, but it really sounds as if you have regained the control over your life and thats fantastic news :D
I love what you say - I will be the best I can be in all things, you sound really determined to start enjoying and making the most of the rest of your life, which in turn will have a ripple effect on your son and no doubt your daughter too :)
Hooray for you!
Hello petrie
I am glad you are finding the Freedom programme so helpful, it will help with the boundray setting and give you more strength but please do not blame yourself for things that have happened in your family. Good for you, that you are tackling these difficult things! :D
I am not sure if I am understanding you rightly, and please forgive me if I am not....but are you saying that your teenage daughter urinates on your bed? is this deliberate do you think, or in her sleep?
Hi petrie, nice to see you again!
Great news to hear that you are doing the Freedom Programme, I think it is fab and great place for soul searching and a much better understanding of all that you have been through. It is great that you are challenging yourself.
What session are you on? Have you seen that we have a Freedom Programme online group, in the Relationships and You topic? It is a place to chat with women all over the country who are participating in the programme.
Look forward to hearing more!
petrie, that must be so difficult to deal with.
Hi petrie
I have been looking around the internet and came across this: http://www.babycentre.co.uk/pregnancy/antenatalhealth/physicalhealth/frequenturination/
It could be that your daughter has Urinary Tract Infection, see the above link for further information.
Here is another useful website that can help with teenage bedwetting: http://www.eric.org.uk/Teens/tabid/57/Default.aspx
I hope you find these useful. :)
When you say it is deliberate. Do you feel she is doing it to get attention from you? Or does she tend to take off the sheets and get them in the washing machine?
If she doesn't strip the bed, I hope you don't mind if I suggest that she does do this and take the bedding to the washing machine.
My son tends to empty all the towels out the airing cupboard to put on the wet stuff too, so I can almost hear the washing machine sigh.
In the end I bought a waterproof mattress for my son. He did have a waterproof cover, but he was pulling that off. Best £100 I've spent!
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.
The main one for me and my son which we constantly debate is time on the computer and watching television. I really don't like the amount of time that he does spend on each of these and I'm constantly encouraging him to do other things. Up until about 3 months ago, (he's 15 now), I still seemed to have outright power to say, right that's enough now. But that has been gradually changing as he challenges and argues with me more and more and keeps saying, it's my life and I'm old enough now to sort it for my self. I really don't know about that and I have nothing or nobody else by which to guage that.........any thoughts anyone?