Sex and relationships

Lin

Teenage years are the transition to adulthood and so developing physical relationships and becoming sexually active are central aspects of this huge period of change in our children, and can be a source of anxiety for parents. For single parents this can often be complicated by what we see as the impact or fall-out on our children of our own relationship difficulties and choices.

Have you found it difficult witnessing your child becoming sexually active?
Do you worry about sexually transmitted diseases?
How can we support our teenage children to develop healthy relationships and to feel confident in their sexuality?

Or feel free to raise any other issues/concerns/experiences - positive and negative - regarding teeanagers and relationships.

Look forward to hearing from you
Lin

Posted on: October 12, 2008 - 10:12pm

tigerlily

Hi every1

I do believe that the answer to this one is communication, bringing up my boys on my own meant that I had to keep an open line going with them, I always talked to them about sexual things in a matter of fact way, this has worked with my eldest, in that he will discuss very private things with me and I hope the same will be true for the 14 year old as he matures. I would worry a lot more if I had daughters! I also think it helps that I WAS single; if you have lived with Mum and Dad all your life then they become just the boring old parents whereas they were aware I had boyfriends and therefore a sex life, therefore I was a good person to ask about things to do with sex. Books help as well, I got one for my son called "Living with a willy" (!) it is very informative and frank. I would rather my boys found out facts rather than relied on schoolboy rumours and gossip

Posted on: October 13, 2008 - 12:56pm

Roxy

I agree that being open about sex and talking about it, providing books etc is absolutely the right way, however, I don't think that parents should worry too much if the teenager decides at some point that their sex life is private. As long as you've done the groundwork. My son doesn't talk to me anymore about sex but I do notice condoms in his room and think that at least he took on board the need to protect himself from unwanted pregnancy and disease. Some kids will continue to talk and others will be more guarded, it's not unhealthy to guard your privacy as long as you keep telling them that they can come to you about anything.

Posted on: October 13, 2008 - 8:14pm

Lin

Thanks for your reponses Roxy and Tigerlily and sharing your thoughts with us. Open and straightforward communication is really important and is the key to dealing with difficult issues.

It's great, Tiger Lily, that you've been able to have such an open dialogue about sex with your boys and fantastic that you can feel that being a single parent has actually been had a positive impact on your sons.

Of course, as Roxy says, the way we communicate with our children needs to balance a respect for our children's privacy. Our relationships with our children are very individual, as are their personalities, and only we can know the best way to approach things with each child.

What do other people think? How have you dealt with issues around sex? Have you found it difficult to talk to your teenager? Are there situations you've found difficult to deal with?

Looking forward to some more interesting discussions......

Best wishes
Lin

Posted on: October 22, 2008 - 7:07pm

willowmay

My daughter is 17 and has had a miscarriage and an abortion. The miscarriage happened when she was 15. She had decided to have an abortion and then started to dither and change her mind because she and her boyfriend went to a baby shop and thought the clothes were so cute!! I don't know what to make of it all really. I have talked to her about sex in the past a little, although she wasn't really very comfortable doing it so I didn't pursue it. She's happy to talk about contraception just not sex itself, if you know what I mean - particularly since the abortion a few months ago!

I don't know, I can't help thinking it's not as straightforward as just talking to kids and being open - although I'm sure that's important. I know that the fact that me and her dad split when she was 12, just when she starting puberty didn't help and then a yr later he got together with a woman (girl!) who was only 20 (way over half his age) who had been a teenage mum, and I started a new relationship with someone younger than me but not as young as his girlfriend - none of which she particularly coped with very well. I saw an article the other day that said that research had shown a link between the levels of sex watched on tv with levels of pregnancy in teenagers. So there seem to be lots of factors as far as I can see. Then also, I think back to my English Literature studying days and remember being astonished that Juliet was 13 when she spent the night with Romeo and presumably had sex and then they were going to get married - back before Victorians invented childhood it was normal for girls as young as 13 or 14 to get married. So maybe it's not so bad, maybe it's just our modern perception of it.

Like I say, with all of that, I often don't know what to think. My daughter's been through difficult times, but she seems to be getting herself together. Maybe it will make her stronger?!

Posted on: November 4, 2008 - 9:22pm

Lin

It does sound like your daughter has been through a difficult time and you as well supporting her through it all. It's not easy when you're dealing with situations like this on your own. Having a daughter who is pregnant at a young age can be traumatic, and fraught with difficult emotions, it is a credit to you that you have been able to support your daughter and that she has been able to grow through it. I'm sure she will be stronger for it, and you too, I don't doubt and well done you for sharing your experience. Just being there is often the most important thing.

There are a lot of influences on young people, particularly nowadays, that affect what they do and how they cope with situations. And I do agree that the media has a lot to answer for with the way that sex is portrayed on television and young women are highly sexualised. I don't doubt that the increase in portrayl of sex on the screen is one of the factors which can lead to an increase in teenage pregnancy. There is also, of course, the peer pressure that young people are under and the expectations of their friends. Puberty, as we all know, is a time of mixed up emotions, huge changes and conflicting needs and when you throw all this into the pot then not everyone comes through unscathed. There is an interesting article on bbc news at the following link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7595871.stm, which debates the whole issue of teenage pregnancy and questions whether things are as bad as they are protrayed, and also makes the point that, with support, teenage parents can be great parents.

It would be interesting to hear from any other parents who have been through, or are going through, a teen pregnancy - regardless of the choice that your daughter has made about whether to go through with the pregnancy or to have a termination. It would also be interesting to hear from anyone with a son who has a girlfriend who has become pregnant. What was your experience like? How did you cope?

If you are currently dealing with this issue then perhaps you need some support. It is often the case that it can be difficult simply because people don't know where to go to get support or who to talk to.

Lin :)

Posted on: November 10, 2008 - 4:15pm

aitch1965

Hi, Im quite new to this site however I am a single mum of 3 boys aged 17, 12 (almost 13) and 10. I have always tried to answer honestly about any questions they ask and if I dont know the answer then we will find it together. However this morning my 12 year old announced that he thought he had had his first wet dream, he was quite uspet, so I said it was ok and normal and probably the first of many, so not to be worried or embarrassed. But after I dont think I gave him enough advice so I have forwared him some info on wetdreams I found on the net and a link, saying for him to read in his own time then talk to me again.

Have i passed the book on this and what else can I do, we have talked about sex, pubity and changes on other occasions, but what else can I do?

Hxx

Posted on: March 8, 2009 - 4:00pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello aitch

I think it is fantastic that your son felt able to talk to you. It says something very positive about your relationship. It was a good idea to give him some Net info. I can recommend a great book for teen boys, you can get it from Amazon, called "Living with a Willy" by Nick Fisher, it is a very down to earth, funny and sensible look at the changes a boy will undergo. It might also help if he has another male to talk to, I dont know if he gets on with his older brother? Another comment I would make (as the Mum of two teen boys) is to say that one of the things they seem to worry about is the mess it might make. The more matter of fact you can be about it, the easier it will be for him. I just said to mine "sometimes you may need to change your sheets, that's fine, just pop the sheet in the washbin" and made sure he knew where the spares are (and if possible buy an extra sheet or two, pretty cheap at supermarkets or even charity shops)

Keep on being you!

Louise :)

Posted on: March 8, 2009 - 6:57pm

lilruthie

Hi my son bradley who is 16 has been asking me why he cant sleep with his g/f in home as most of his mates parents allow them to...1 thing about are relationship we are very open and talk alot about everythin...im not that blinkered with him to think he hasnt slept with his g/f and he is legal with his age but i have told him i can't n wont allow him to sleep with her under my roof especially at 16 legal or not i still think it's a bit young i wont have a problem with it when he's older ....

What's your views on this subject if you have a teenager just turned 16????

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 1:46pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi lilruthie, my son is about a year younger than yours. I guess for me, one of the issues is what the girl's parents think, and also I would want to be far enough involved to know what contraceptive (and safe sex) precautions are being taken. I would hate overhearing it as well, wouldn't you? :shock:

What you allow in your own home is your choice, however, and it is about him respecting the house rules. Will you feel differently when he is 18? or if he and the girlfriend have been together a long time? it is worth asking yourself questions like this as only then will you be able to decide what rules feel comfortable for you ;)

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 4:36pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi lilruthie

Sticky one! :?

I agree with Louise, what about the girlfriends parents? What do they think? Is he allowed to stay at theirs? If not, then I think that gives you ALL the reasons why she can't stay at yours.

16 is still young and there will be plenty more girlfriends to come. I have a daughter (14) and right now I feel there is no way a boy is staying at our house, a) because of the noise they may make b) because I don't want to a young chap walking around my house in his boxers, when I might be in my dressing gown and c) I am NOT doing their dirty washing! (not that I do all her washing now, but eughh!)

Ultimately it is up to you, and you do say that when he is older you won't have a problem with it, so stick to your guns! I am sure that not ALL is mates parents allow it and if that is the case, maybe they just have to go and stay with them!

Posted on: August 10, 2009 - 12:42pm