Stress is a well known trigger for anxiety and depression and there are many different causes. When parents are faced with raising children on their own, the task can seem really daunting and we can wonder how we will cope. Stress has an effect on us emotionally and physically, it can change the way we think and the way we behave.
We might not be able to sleep or want to do nothing but stay in bed all day? We might think that the future is bleak, that we are not worth anything or feel guilty about lots of things? We might have difficulty in making decisions, or find it difficult to enjoy anything? These are all symptoms of stress.
What signs of stress and emotional symptoms have you experienced? Do you get tearful, irritable, anxious, tired or panicked?
It is important to identify the causes of stress in our life because then we can try to minimise them. We might initially blame it all on being a lone parent, but it could actually be because of money problems, work difficulties, problems with ex partner, moving house, the list is endless, but to help us overcome the problems we need to pinpoint them, so we can work through them.
Share with us what is going on for you, your physical and emotional symptoms and how you deal with it.
Well, I only left two weeks ago, so I suppose it's early days yet. The girls are still testing the boundaries. I have had moments in the last fortnight when I've wondered if I'll ever cope on my own. I gave the girls a lecture about being a team, how we have to stick together, cos if we are at war with each other, then we have no chance against our enemies. I'm also finding it pretty hard getting them into a bedtime routine. They have been difficult getting ready for school too. I hope things will improve over time when we find our feet.
Hi Rosedragon, you are new to single parenthood and it sounds as if you are onto a good start with discussing with your girls about being a team, i think that is a fantastic idea, don't forget to remind them every now and again when you are spending quality time together, whether you are in front of the telly, at dinnertime or when you are playing a board game. You will get stronger and you will cope in your own. Often when we have seperated from our partners our confidence hits an all time low, this then reflects on our parenting and getting our children to do what we want can be very difficult! Many women have said that confidence courses and parenting programmes have been a great help to get back on track. Things will improve, i'm sure others on this site will agree. Good Luck, keep going, you are not alone :)
Sadietwins is absolutely right, it is really important to find things that you enjoy and doing them.
Doing something rewarding can help us to feel better, as single parents we often feel guilty if we take time out for ourselves. It is not a luxury it is a necessity. Just as a small disappointment can send us off on a negative downward spiral, a rewarding or positive change can spark an upward spiral.
Tell us here what do you find pleasant or fun? What gives you a sense of achievement? What would your best friend suggest you try? What makes you feel more confident? What have you done that you are most proud of?
Think of what has helped in the past to make you feel better and write it down and put it on the fridge.
It’s easy for ‘fun’ activities to get crowded out and pushed aside especially when you are raisng a family alone. Share with the online group and maybe we can all help each other, remember it doesn’t have to cost anything.
Hi all, it seems that stress is taking its toll on all of us.
It sounds like you are having it really tough princess, glad you feel you can let it all out here, you are absolutely right stress can expose itself in many ways and obviously being physically unwell, really has to make you stop and take stock of what is going on. You sound like you are incredibly busy, try and take time out at the weekends just for you, do something that you find pleasureable.
I completely agree with you Owlbinman, we are the strongest people out there, we carry everything and have no-one to share the load, like you say people with partners don't understand that if they were on their own, they would need someone to offload to. Don't worry, we understand - COMPLETELY. It is hard to keep your pecker up, but again it is important to do things that you find rewarding, as single parents we need to keep going, so finding a happiness or joy in small things makes our childrens lives happier.
Often when we are stressed we tense different parts of our body, some people carry it in their neck and shoulders others in their stomach, jaw or buttocks, what we need to do is practise relaxation. At night try tensing the area in your body that you hold tension, say your neck and shoulders for 10 seconds and releasing for 10 seconds, do this a couple of times, then when you are beginning to feel tense during the day, repeat the exercise. You may find this helps.
Let me know :)
Keep in touch
Hi bkaur
It sounds like things were feeling pretty tough when you sent that last post, a sense of loss of your daughter leaving home. I hope she is doing well and you have given yourself a pat on the back for supporting her into Uni. :)
How is it going now? Our job as parent is to be there for the children, but we mustn't neglect ourselves, keep doing things that give you a sense of self, love and approve of yourself, life as a single parent can feel like swings and roundabouts, so many highs and lows, but we wouldn't change it eh? Remind yourself of that. :)
One day when they have all left the nest we will be wishing them back again!
Hello heidiy and welcome to the boards
You're right, it is unfair that a bully can get away with it whereas you are the ones to suffer. Did the school ever take proper action about it? No wonder you are stressed! :x
it's probably counter-productive to have a drink to get to sleep, not just needing water afterwards but also the quality of your sleep can be affected. I wonder how you would feel about seeing a counsellor? You can see one through your doctor or privately (you would need to tell me your geographical area so I could do a bit of rooting around for you), I just think it might help to be able to talk everything through and work out a strategy for moving forward after this awful experience. As for letting out your anger, you are not going to be able to do so to the source of your anger so I would suggest another outlet. Often, a lot of physical energy can be generated when you're angry so finding some form of exercise is brilliant (even having a cushion to punch or somwhere safe to scream will help). Another technique could be to write a letter expressing everything you feel and then enjoying destroying it, eg burning it or ripping it to shreds.....or instead choosing to put that letter away somewhere (a shoebox?) and saying to yourself "That's Ok I have put my anger away now". Another way is to acknowledge that the only person who is suffering from your anger is yourself, and maybe your daughter- and why make yourself suffer more?
I hope some of these ideas are helpful, but expressing your anger, your fury, either with a counsellor or with a friend, will be really helpful, in my opinion.
Hopefully you will also find support from other parents on these boards and feel less alone with this. As your daughter gets older, you WILL be able to have more "me time" as she will start to be able to be left alone. How do you feel about a yoga class? My colleague swears it helps her to relax no end. Myself I prefer a meditation-type tape and a lie down in a darkened room!
best wishes
Louise :)
Hi Blusey
Oh-oh, yes you do indeed have a big task on your hands. Would it help to write a letter/email to your son's father rather than talk to him? I guess it will be a difficult communication whatever method you use. You could start by mentioning the trouble your son has had at school and that now you have got to the bottom of it, you find that the cause is his relationship with his stepbrother. Good luck with that one :roll:
Hello Caz
Yes it is hard to keep going sometimes, the list of jobs is never-ending and it is natural to feel exhausted. Now mine are teenagers I look back and wonder how I coped! It's important to reward yourself whenever you get the chance :D
Take care, both
Louise ;)
Hear hear, pixiponk! ;)
I feel so hopeless this week. I just can't think what to do with my daughter. I am on auto pilot with meals for her and bath time and bed time etc but I know she is bored and my energy levels are so low.
I feel pathetic because I should be able to pull myself together. I just can't think what I should be doing.
Stress and depression is consuming me and I am desperate to be happy and playfull. I don't know what she likes doing all of a sudden. All day I am hanging on till bedtime. Then I spend all evening feeling guilty.
Ahhh!!
Moan moan moan
Stress stress stress
Is this the right thread to do this in.
:roll:
I'm sure this thread is fine...
Don't you feel guilty. You're daughter will be fine. You need to do what you feel able to do at the mo. Even if you watch CBBies together, or maybe sit on the settee or on the bed together and look through a book. It doesn't have to be too much. I found that if I entertained too much, they'd want to be entertained all the time! They need their own time to be able to amuse themselves for a while.
You're not pathetic. While we might know we need to 'pull ourselves together' (I know I do too), it is easier said than done.
I find random dancing and silly singing works wonders at your daughter's age. It even works with my lot!
It's very important to be kind to yourself too.
Hi People!!
Well, I had 'that' chat with my ex about my son's recent behaviour and I got the reply I was expecting. He defended his girlfriends son to the hilt and said that there was no way he would dream of bullying our son... He suggested that it was over a spat they had had at the weekend and it was because his girlfriends son wouldn't put up with any nonsence from our's ....?? (his girlfriends son is a year younger than ours -7) I can only keep an eye on the situation from my side and hope that my son doesn't pick up on any more negative behaviour from them.
My one saving grace this week is that I have been to parent's evening - on my own because their dad is too busy to attend - and both the kids are doing really well.. my son's teacher has even noted a marked improvement in his happiness in class in the last few weeks - he has been quiet closed in of late - and I guess I can take credit for that and guess I must be doing something right for them to be doing so well!! So I guess the one thing I would like to illerate to all the single mums and dads out there is that there can be relief from the storm at times and we should relish these time and, although its not the norm, take time to congratulate ourselves for the wonderful job we are doing!! :D
My ex doesn't come to parents' evenings anymore either. Last year he made a big fuss about wanting to go to my daughters parents evening last year. The date changed (I give him a copy of the school calendar's), so I did text him. On the evening my daughter phoned him on her mobile - "are you coming or what?" "fine".
He didn't come :D
I call him The Git, and very unfairly, his wife The Gitess... Never in front of the children though. 8-) Usually in a text to my friend!
Aha pixiponk, the world as seen through J's eyes, what a wonderful and positive way to think! Why SHOULD you have to feel guilty for feeling stressed? What you have been through would stress anyone. One day at a time....your job at the moment is to facilitate that learning your lovely daughter is experiencing, and also to be a kind parent to YOURSELF. One thing that really helped me through my darkest time is at bedtime I would think of one good thing about the day that had gone and then in the morning about one thing I was looking forward to in the day. Sometimes the things were really minor eg "Didn't the crocuses look beautiful today" or "Oh goody, I am having ice cream for tea today" I think it is a brain-training thing ;)
Blusey well done for plucking up the courage to have "the chat". I guess you knew what his reaction was going to be.....and it was. But you have done your best and brought it to his attention. Glad your two are clearly settled at school. If the trouble continues with the girlfriend's son then I wonder if the childrens' father would take things a bit more seriously if your boy spoke to his dad himself?
Sparkly I have heard many "names" for exes over the years, but "Gitess" is a new one on me!! :lol:
Take care all
Louise
I know that I can feel overwhelmed by all the things I have to juggle as a working single mum (esp money at the moment and I'm sure I'm not the only one!) and some mornings I will just stand in the middle of the kitchen and burst into tears! BUT for me the most effective way to combat these feelings is to keep physically fit. We single parents have so much on our plates it's important for us to keep strong - it helps you deal with everything so much better. I know we have less time and money than those with supportive partners and the logistics of going to the gym or even out for a run are too much most of the time. My solution is this: I get up 6.00 am most mornings and do a workout DVD before the rest of the family is awake. You groan and think I'm mad but once your body gets used to it, it's great. When I'm charged up with the endorphins from this I can cope with life's stresses so much better! Fi x