It was the Git's birthday yesterday. He was 50.
I reminded the children and it's on the calander. The children really can't be bothered with their father. They chose one card, made sure they wrote in it and bought a present which daughter wrapped. Trying to get them to choose was incredibly hard. They really don't seem to be bothered - and that is down to what they've just had with their birthdays.
We went up twice (I asked eldest, who's 18 when he wanted to go). He wasn't in, but he didn't want to post the card through the door, wanting to give them together.
His step daughter left a message for eldest on facebook reminding him it was his dad's birthday - eldest said they'd called. The Git can get angry, so I sent a text saying we'd been up twice and that they'd been reminded and that I hoped he'd had a good day.
I've had a text from The Gittess to say that The Git isn't a mind reader and that most people phone to find out first.
We don't have their landline number, only the mobile. That never gets answered, and messages left asking him to phone are never responded to.
I feel sick. I'm shaking so much my head is shaking too.
I've been running around with so much, including stuff with the children. I've spent the morning in the hospital with youngest as he had an appointment with the paediatrician. I have the welfare officer coming tomorrow about him as he missed so much school before Christmas - he had flu. 14 year old then has a parents evening this evening.
I don't have two minutes at the moment, and that's with the children, never mind having things to do with chappy (well, four loads of washing).
I sent a reply telling her that "Eldest took it upon himself to sort with me being directed by him. They're all old enough to tell me when they want to go. I'm surprised with this text when I rarely have 2 mins for me at the mo"
I've read and re-read what I've sent. I still can't see what was offensive.
They never include the children in a family anything. Really I want to tell her that as their step-mother surely to goodness she should have been arranging a birthday tea.
I know he's lied to her about everything, so she thinks I'm a cow when I strongly believe that everything has been done to fit in with him. He chooses the two hour time-slots. He could actually choose to have them all day...
I'm mad.
I want to send her a million texts, but somehow have to stop myself.
I also want to tell her to never contact me again.
She has known him for three years. She has no idea of the upset he's caused.
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I was having a good day until that point.
Is it unreasonable to send him a text to say that I will be deleting any future texts from her without reading them as I don't need hostile texts? And if he's no credit on his phone then he's to use the landline...
Dear dear sparklinglime, wise words from bubblegum there.
I know it is easier said than done, but try and let it roll off you. It sounds as though the Gitess is having a hard day herself and she is just passing on her bad mood.
You don't need to get involved with it all. It sounds sooo frustrating, but mostly because you were trying to get the children to play his game. ie: he gets angry if they forget his birthday.
You played your part, there is nothing more you could have done. And if there was anything else it would have been wrong anyway.
Now what was bubblegum saying about biscuits, sound good??
Now I got some Fox's golden crunch yesterday, and just thought what an excellent idea.
The children ate them...
**sigh** I do like those too.
Thank you.
I have to admit to replying to a text when she said eldest should have phoned in saying that had I not sent a text to say an effort had been made that that would have been wrong too. And none of it was done to upset anyone. However, I hope he had a good day.
I've told my eldest as I figure he could well be dragged into it. No more replies.
If there is one I'm deleting it, and will be saying to The Git that I will be deleting any texts from The Gittess without reading them.
I still feel sick.
My 14 year old had his parents evening. He's doing so well. He's had Haribos.
Thank you for being here for me.
Hello sparkling lime
Firstly that's great news about the parents' evening. Pat on the back for him!
Secondly, gosh, I can hear your frustration. Do you know what? ANYTHING you did would have been labelled by them as the "wrong thing" You could have arranged for Ant and Dec to call on him first thing and present him with a cheque for fifty grand, a motorboat and the Koh-i-Noor diamond and you still would have been wrong.
I know "letting it go" is much easier said than done but it is the solution that will hurt and involve YOU the least, which is what matters.
GRRR and Double GRRR!
I'm so pleased for my son.
I have to say in the last text I sent to The Gittess that if I hadn't have texted that too would have been wrong. I lied too and said I hope he had a lovely birthday!!
It's not that I hope he didn't, I just don't care, if you get my drift.
Come next week I'll be sending The Git a text to say that any texts received from The Gittess will be deleted without being read. He can make of that what he wants. If he has no credit on his phone then he'll have to go via the children or phone me.
I've been surprised at how disinterested the children were in his birthday.
Personally, I think she should have been asking if I could have taken the children there as a birthday surprise. Makes me wonder now if she is the one who doesn't want them going...
Daughter in the surgery later. She moans about so many ailments that I figure she can have them all checked out. I hope she's fine - as I think she is - but I need to have some peace of mind here too.
Thanks
xx
Hi Sparkling
Well done to the 14 year old, you must be proud of him. How did the youngest get on yesterday and today?
Forget the Git and the wife. As far as I can see they are both as bad as each other. If she has formed an opinion of you based on what the Git has told her, then she doesn't have a mind of her own. I hope one day, she doesn't find herself in the same position with him, as you did, ie, the debts etc.
Don't worry about them, just concentrate on you, your kids, and dare i say it, chappie's washing!!!
Take care
Alison
x
Hi sparklinglime, I agree with the others, I wouldn't even bother texting HIM to say you will be deleting HER texts without reading, it just continues the animosity.
Try and take a step back. All the children are old enough to deal with him and if they do it incorrectly, they are also old enough to take it.
If he upsets them, they will just choose not to bother with him.
You DO NOT need to be involved in any of this, don't you agree? Its just ongoing drama.
I just disappoint myself in how I immediately get anxious about it.
All this time and I still fall apart. Shameful really...
Dear sparklinglime, it is not shameful or abnormal to feel what you are feeling, stop beating yourself up.
As Homer Simpson once said, just blame yourself once and then move on.
It is normal to still go through learnt emotions from the past, we are here just to remind you that you are a smashing person and don't need to feel as awful as you do sometimes.:)
I was pushing my bike down Bangor high-street yesterday and out of the corner of my eye I say a woman who for a fraction of a second I thought was my X (mad psychotic drug addled violent*) wife. It was one of those moments like you see in a film where everything goes into slow motion and the camera zooms in as the field of view zooms out and I was about to break out in a sweat and be rooted to the spot in fear... but luckily it was just some other rather attractive afro Caribbean woman and not the mother of my children : )
So it's perfectly normal to... Still fall apart. and it's not shameful : )
*Just my opinion.
Hear hear, Bubblegum
Sadly our former partners can still have the power to push our buttons, partly becasue of all the emotional stuff that has passed between us and partly because of our precious children.
Onwards and upwards!
Nicely said bubblegum, I still do too, go through moments like this :)
Thank you again.
You see, I feel it's just me who reacts like this.
I've had a text from The Git today to see them tomorrow 6 - 8pm. There's a may I, a please and thank you included.
Suggested to eldest that they go with a cake and candles... He made a negative grunting sound. I think it's a good idea ;-)
After all, any text that were sent at that time from The Gittess should have been whether or not I could have taken the children there for a birthday celebration.
Gosh, a please AND a thank-you!
It's not just you, sparkling, it is all part of the process.
We went to the ex-in-laws on Tuesday - not been for a while as we've had colds, and my father-in-law isn't well enough to be facing a cold...
I managed to get my mother-in-law on my own and spoke to her about this. I like to keep her in the picture, and as she's his step-mother she feels able to support me.
She's stunned, I know, but not surprised at how the children have reacted - she had already spoken to father-in-law about how The Git is being a prat...
So, I've had my wooden spoon out again.
*giggle* I was thinking this was a little bit naughty of you, but then hey, why not tell it how it is, you have spent many years covering for a certain person!
I dropped in on the in-laws this morning with the eldest to take an Easter Egg.
My mother-in-law phoned a while back to say "how dare I call without phoning first"... I think we then giggled hysterically for five minutes, with my daughter looking at me in a very puzzled way.
My in-laws are brilliant!
Hooray for fabby in-laws!
Its great Sparkling that throughout everything you have such a great relationship with the ex in-laws. We hear so many stories of wives/husbands falling out with theirs due to the breakdown of marriages.
Next time when you call on them, make sure you ring first!!!!!!
Hope all is well, and you're having a fab time with the kids. Looks miserable outside today, and was hoping to get in the garden at some point. Plenty of jobs indoors to do of course, but I want my garden looking pretty again!
Take care
Alison
x
We have sunshine!!
Daughter got soaked on her camp, and she has massive blisters - but enjoyed it...
Tea with the in-laws today, followed by a game of Boggle for mother-in-law and me.
I am very lucky.
Hope you're doing ok Alison.
xx
I love Boggle, C...... and I often play it. It belonged to my Mum, and brings back lots of memories. Glad your Daughter enjoyed the camp, even though she got soaked and blistered, Ouch!
Enjoy tea with the in-laws. I'm envious of the fact someone is cooking for you! Have a great time.
C and I are doing really well. Finished off the bathroom and the bigger bedroom. Absolutely exhausted, so am sitting, and my body cannot move anymore!!!
Take care
Alison
x
Aghh, I love Boggle!
Glad your daughter had a great time, I love it when they spend some time in the great outdoors :)
The funny side of going to the in-laws for tea... It's only the children who get fed.
I don't get fed...
I never have, so don't really think about it anymore - I've been taking the children there every week for at least 12 years!!
Hope you can move today Alison!
Well done on all you've finished though. I bet you're chuffed!
How bizarre sparklinglime! Do they get fed with a proper supper? Or is it sandwiches and crisps? Or just kiddie food? Do they eat too?
It must be a throw back from the war or something! How odd! Glad you can see the funny side! 12 years eh?!
It is bizare, I agree, and at first I found it sort of offensive (that's too strong a word, but can't think of an alternative!). On the other hand, I'm very restricted with what I do eat.
She does proper meals for them, all home made. They had bread and butter pudding the other day too.
If she makes pancakes, I do have some of those, and when she makes home-made chips, the joke is me swiping a chip off each plate to make sure they're ok for the children to eat!
Do you sit at the dinner table with them?
Do your in laws sit down with them?
Do you think your ex has told them something about you not wanting to eat at their house?
Do the kids notice this? What do they say? They must feel a little awkward? I have to say if I was hungry it would be more than one chip that got swiped!
Very odd Sparkling, but after 12 years, I don't think you'll ever get a meal there!!! I would also swipe more than one chip!! Do you then go home Sparkling and make yourself something? As I typed that, I was thinking, I bet she just has a bowl of cereal or something!!!
My niece bought gammon over yesterday, and it was delicious. C thoroughly enjoyed it too. Not something I have ever bought to be honest as C isn't a great meat eater, but I shall buy some. Just boiled in water for 3 or so hours, and it just fell apart. We only had chips and eggs with it, but it was lovely. C and I just had some more. Now, if you'd been here Sparkling, I would definately have given you some, and maybe some chips for Anna!!!
My lot love gammon - I got one last weekend and they eat it all!
The in-laws don't sit with them either, it's just the four children round the table, and then I sit in the living room with nana and we have a chat, and then after the children have had their pudding, nana and I go play Boggle at the table!
I do sit down when there's a special dinner - like my FIL's 80th birthday tea, then the table's opened out properly and I have an ommlette chips and peas :-)
And yes, I do have a bowl of cereal when I get home! lol
It sounds like a traditional thing: almost a throwback from "nursery tea". Even if you don't get a meal, sparkling lime, at least you get that night off from cooking (and I hope from the washing up)
Gammon does really nicely in the slow cooker, I always look for it being on offer though :-)
How are you getting on with your PAYE?
PAYE finally got done on Thursday. It was the HMRC site, not my computer. Drove me mad though. :-)
She's a good cook and the children love their meals. FIL usually washes up, but if I feel he's not too good, I get my marigolds on (I have a pair there especially) and will wash while the children eat. MIL will dry and we natter.
Glad you got the work done, I bet it was frustrating, though. I have to do the Gift Aid return for the counselling organisation I volunteer at, and that's bad enough!
Do you think MIL would pass some of her cooking skills on to the children? or is that something you like to do with them?
When my father-in-law wasn't too bad health wise, she used to have the older two over cooking with her - which they enjoyed. Father-in-Law has emphesema (sorry about the spelling that's usually wrong) and a couple of years back was treated for prostrate cancer, which is when all ground to a halt.
Taking him for radiotherapy was when he found out a lot of what had gone on, as we were 'stuck' in the car together for almost an hour there and an hour back!! He was asking dozen of questions.
Sounds as if having that treatment brought you closer. That was kind of you to take him for the radiotherapy:-)
I just asked about the cooking because that is often something a grandma can do and I thought your children would have enjoyed it.
I know we have all said how "big" it is of them to appreciate what their child did and to have such a good relationship but it's a real credit to YOU too.
Hear hear
I say just forget about it, everything you have done is perfectly reasonable, what more can you/could you do?
I dont think its ever a good idea to let people drag you into their drama, though I have been know to obvioulsy, but best policy is not to I say : )
..and the best way to deal with angry text or just anger in general from someone else is to ignore it, at least that is what I think anyway.
Take care and don't worry.. eat some buiscuits or something.. that usualy chears me up anyway.. or for a bit at least.. untill I feel fat for having just eaten buiscuits anyway... but those few minuits are bliss : )
later.. I have to give a talk at Rainbows..... (the stress)