I have encountered a couple of people lately whose children are more or less grown-up and who were upset to find out that their children blamed them for getting divorced. I know that anger is a common reaction to parents' separation but once the dust has settled has anyone found that the children (however old) seem to need to blame someone. Is it you? And if it is the other parent, how do you deal with this?
Louise
Hi everyone and thank you to those who have replied so far
Sparkling I think that kids will eventually understand once they are very grown up. What happened with your son I have heard happening a lot, especially where the other parent is unfaithful, nevertheless the teenager turns on the parent who has not left and blames them, you are right it is all to do with anger and although their anger may actually be at the other parent, they take it out on you because they know they are safe to do so and that you HAVEN'T LEFT THEM....they are also reassuring themselves of this, just as when toddlers test coundaries all the time.
Princess that sounds so sad being moved around the country and thank you so much for sharing the mixed feelings you had about your dad. It is really important that we as parents bear this in mind when we feel "wronged" by the other parent: that the children may still love them and are not being disloyal to you when they are doing so. Howeverm it doesn't always work that way! I have a male friend whose dad left when he was 12 and the eldest of 5 kids, he was also moved around the country and ended up with no qualifications from school although he is an intelligent man. As soon as he was 18 he went and had his name changed by deed poll to that of the man who became his stepdad
Fi that's good that your children are so happy. I am not sure whether the kids being older during a split means they feel worse about it, that's a really interesting observation, what do other people think?
Louise :)
I know my eldest did question me about the separation. Ex got involved with someone on the internet, and the changes were extreme and as the children were being involved, I felt - and still feel - I had no option. The real life women, strangely enough, didn't affect us!
My son was 15 when he turned on me, blaming me for things and eventually asked why I hadn't asked his father to break contact with this person. He had a shock when I told him I had asked his father three times, the last time the night before I left with the children. He asked and I decided he was old enough to know. There are a lot of other things I've told them I'll tell them when they're 25!
Whether my son will turn on his father in the same way, I don't know. Their father tells them it's all down to me - and has done directly to me in front of the children, so it's probably what they do feel. Only time will tell there. I'm glad my son felt able to ask. It was a very matter of fact conversation.
At the end of the day, it is down to anger. And, to be fair, in a lot of cases it is the fault of both parents for both not resolving issues. We know how it is, and we know we had no choice, but you can't really expect children - even grown up ones - to realise this as they would have been protected from it.
(sorry, droning on again)