I just needed somewhere to eek some comfort that i will get throught the tough times i am experiencing parenting two girls 16 and 18 alone (and a younger child of 12). My husband left last year and i just wondered if anyone could share/empathise/give tips on what i can do to help myself and my kids. I think i am coming to terms with the loss of the realtionship with my husband which has been very difficult especiallly with him telling me to "get over it" and "move on" - easier said than done after being told he simply doesn't love you after 20 odd years!!
so here i am a year or so on, all kids dealing with it very differently and no doubt their individual needs will be more apparent at differnet times but it is my 16 year old that is really troubling me at the moment. She is behaving completely differently when she is with me, compared to when she is with her dad ( i know this because my youngest tells me so - i don't ask before you say, he just tells me things) She is an absolute nightmare at home - she is verbally and sometimes physically nasty to me and my son, she is uncooperative and shows none of us at home any respect at all. the prospect of her doing anything in the house is nil.
I am at my witts end because my husband (ex to be) will simply just not listen or support me in any way with the parenting. I have asked for support on only a couple of occasions to "parent her" by asking him to enforce sanctions - he refuses and Instead he keeps saying that i should reflect and consider why she is behaving as she does - and implying that it is my fault....he forgets conveniently what the other child was like at the same age. My 16 year old now however has to be a teenager plus deal with her dad leaving last year.
depsite him being the one who has shattered our family life, my daughter worships him and is vile to me 24/7
like her dad, she is saying "i am over it" - she is not...and she tells and rants at me that i should get over it too. I am finding her behaviour in the house intolerable but am so scared at the same time of losing her - when she is with her dad she is polite, considerate and helpful. aaaagh I feel as if i am going bonkers
Furthermore my ex has over the last year got in to a pattern of seeing the kids one at a time. I have asked him to see them together and he comes up with excuses - now the kids have got in to the habit of spending time alone with him and refuse to go together - he removes one at a time and i am always left with the conflict/competing interests of having two and most definatley never have any time alone....i am exhausted and emotionally drained and feel unloved and uncared for...i have no family near by and my friends are sick of me after a year or so - those friends who have not been through it are entering the stage of "well it should be getting better now it's been a year or so"
he is only interseted in the financial settlement part of which relates (as he keeps telling me to child mainteneance) and what he gives me will depend on how many nights the kids stay with him - it is all happening too quick too soon, losing my husband, my eldest is an adult now (but makes not finiancial contribution and neither does her dad but i have to house her - not in education and not working) the 16 year old may end up living with him and would i then get maintenance from him for my 12 year old or would it cease if he has one of the children living with him? - i would not be able to stay in the family home without maitenance from him for the younger one??
i am trying so hard to keep eveything together whilst being yelled and screamed at by the 16 year old all the while and worrying myself sick literally about losing the house without any support from my ex who i know will not want to reprimand the kids to put him in a bad light. However, it is one thing him not wanting the realtionship with me but it just feels so cruel to opt out as a parent when it comes to discipline too and just become the kids friend.
people keep telling me to look after myself and stay stong but i am really struggling - i have not said a negative word to the kids about their dad and they think he has just "left us with the house" and what am i worrying about? - my daughter has exams so how can i tell her the truth - it is far from sorted and dad is being a complete nasty piece of work - i feel so so sad and such a burden to people all the time cos i need so much support.
i know a lot of what she does is normal teenage stuff but i am struggling to live with it, with the effects on my youngest of her behaviour and i just can't get to grips with her delightful behaviour towards her dad when she is with him that is making it seem like i am making it all up!!! I'm not!!. No she will not seek counselling - i've suggested that and got my head bitten off.
thank you very much, just taken first glance and lots of sound advice/info to digest
Hi haeadfulloffog
I'm sorry you're facing this, and with no time out you must be exhausted.
This board can be such a saviour for rants or expressing your feelings. If you go to the general interest bit you can see a few of my essays!
I was married for 20 years, but it is now over 6 years since I left The Git. There was no issues with the laughingly called family home, as he had massive debts (despite a £34k per annum job) and this had to be sold anyway to pay his bills.
You've had brilliant advice from Louise.
I’m sort of going through your post backwards.
You say your friends feel you need to be looking after yourself. That is so true, as you need the energy to get up in the mornings and face the day. Your youngest very much needs you still too.
With regards to your 16 year old. Yes, she needs to be focusing on her exams, and possibly, the next few weeks could be a way of having some clear, factual answers for when things need to be discussed. No reason for her to be abusive to you though.
I do feel that in view of the ages of your children now that getting their father to see them together isn't going to happen. It’s something I don’t agree with at all, yet the other parent can be very clever in manipulating it, saying it’s done for quality time or what ever junk they chose to come out with.
What is your eldest doing? She does need to be doing something now. Personally, there would be no treats, just basics if it was my eldest. He does have a job at a hotel, so buys his own car magazines and bottles of vimto **sigh**! I do agree with Louise completely.
With regards to your 12 year old telling you about what happens at their dad’s house, it might be an idea for him not to tell you. I used to have a lot of this at first, but got so fed up of it I told them not to tell me. What goes on at Dad’s is his business, and unless it’s something awful (which did happen with me) then I didn’t want to know. It stopped the playing one off against the other here, which was a relief for me. I rarely ask…
How much contact do you have with your ex? I know what a shock it is when you realise they’ve (in my case) “chosen a new path in life – deal with it”. It takes a long time to come to terms with that really.
I now accept that my ex will never support me in anyway. Accepting this makes life easier. Believe me, I have mega blips – some very recent. I just feel that if you stop trying to get him to be interactive with the children, it will reduce conflict, and he won’t be able to say that you’re doing this, that and the other to the children.
I do believe my children worship their dad too… I’d love them not to!!
You say you’re worried about losing the house – do you feel able to say what’s happening there? One thing I have learnt, that a house is just bricks, and it’s us who make it a home.
I’ve started doing ‘once you’ve done this then you can have that’ with my lot, and it’s very effective. “Ignore” works well too if a child is being abusive to you. Physical abuse though is unacceptable, and they need to know this.
Anyone can be nice with someone for a short period of time. My lot have two hour time slots with their father, so he never gets to see the tantrums and fall outs. I have to say that I’ve now taken to going out on my own – even if it’s just to Asda – and it gives me room to breath. Your children are old enough for you to leave them now for a walk or to shop. Half an hour away can make such a difference.
Sorry I’ve gone on so much. I do tend to.
Look forward to getting to know you too. This may be a forum, but it can be a bit of company.
PS - yes, you can get through this...
That was a brilliant post Sparkling. I'm sorry headfulloffog, but I have a 7 year old, totally on my own, and have no experience of anything that you are going through. I'm sure given time, you will survive all of this. You've done brilliantly so far. Like Sparkling says, just half hour away from the house and kids would bring you some relief and space, even if its just a walk or something.
Take care
Alison
x
Dear headfulloffog, poor you, what a lot of things you are dealing with at the moment. After reading your post I have separated all the different issues that you are facing:
- Coping with the emotional effects of your husband walking out
- Trying to rebuild/reshape your life after 20 years of marriage
- Dealing with 3 children who are all taking it very differently
- Your 16 year old being verbally and physically abusive
- Your 18 year old not working or in education
- Money/maintenance
- Keeping your home
- Ex being unsupportive
- Feeling a burden on your friends
Presumably you are carry all of this around with you on a daily basis, so you may find that your daughter is picking up on these vibes. So your friends saying that you need to look after yourself is of utmost importance here. I think sparklings tip on going out for a walk is a brilliant idea for starters.
There is so much to say, but first and foremost violent behaviour is unacceptable and can not be allowed to continue. You have to believe his 100% and be clear about your boundaries. I am not going to repeat what others have posted but have a read of our article in Teenagers on Aggresive Behaviour.
Here is also an excellent read from another mother who had an aggressive daughter: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/jun/27/parental-abuse-domestic-violence
Your daughter probably feels just as awful as you do after a particularly horrible encounter, she may not show it, but she isn't enjoying it.
Was your ex ever violent towards you?
Does she behave in school? Is she having any trouble in school?
Would you consider going to counselling to build your own confidence?
You are not alone,
thanks
interesting articles that make me realise i'm not alone in all this. like the lady in the second article i just want peace and harmony and with everything that i am going through with the divorce it all just feels so much at times. i want my home to be a sanctuary and it is not because it is full of angry teenagers (both girls bigger than me too)
Yes i do undoubtedly give off vibes - it's hard not too - today i had word from my ex saying he is reducing funds and that in turn may necessitate us moving house - i know i should be honest and open with the kids but i can't just tell them what is making me so sad can i? therfore i ended up as you say, carrying it around with me, being upset and sad and probably ratty with them - i tried to take myself out of the fray to have five minutes peace - i went in the bathroom - i think i really should try the walk option but i would feel so guilty for just going out on my own and leaving them to it for no real reson other than me needing space
thankyou for these heartfelt comments all of which ring true and help me - as you will see below my ex is reducing money furthter which will make it harder for me to stay in the house - i am beginning to realise it is as you say just bricks and mortar but for the moment i fear moving so much - i don't think i am strong enough personally (taking help and there is a gradual improvement there though) and i really don;t want to move the kids unless i have to. I'd have to downsize and that would feel as if i was putting one of the kids out of a home cos there is no way the two girls at 16 and 18 would share a room now - i don't want to be seen to force any one out.
Regarding contact with ex - it is email and text - too raw to talk. any contact upsets me - gosh i'm finding this so tough. It is hard enough to accept he has decided he doesn't want to be in a realtionship with me (i'm getting there on that one) but to have the feeling that he simply doesn't care about me at all as the mom of his kids and that he can just potentially let us loose the family home is horrid - it was his choice to break the family but to then make everyone suffer further is just horrid
It sounds as if moving home and being in control of your living arrangements would be a really big hurdle but it would be something that would really benefit you in the end.
As for not sharing what is bothering you with the children, whilst I agree you have to be strong and capable, I do not think it is a bad thing if they understand that leaving their home may be the outcome of the separation. In particular your 18 year old is an adult now, and your 16 year old nearly so and there is not the need to protect them as there would have been ten years ago. It is not a case of you leaning on them, but just a reality check. In any case it might help your eldest to understand why she needs to contribute
Your post really does bring back so many emotions. To say my heart goes out to you is an understatement.
I agree with Louise - your oldest daughter is now an adult. I share so much more with my son now he's 18.
I was always up front with the children - even the youngest, and he was 5 at the time. I've never run down their father, but was honest in saying that the house needed to be sold to pay bills, and that I wouldn't be able to keep it alone.
I have to say the children were so excited moving (nightmare for me, but you sort of just go into automatic, somehow). I was lucky in that I was initially able to rent a big enough 4-bed house - even though it was a lot smaller than what the children grew up in.
I answered their questions, and they knew I was sad. I cried in front of them, and I cried with them. The days I find too much now, my daughter will come and hold me while I sob on her shoulder - they're rare occasions now though. And to be honest, its nice to have a shoulder to cry on!
You can do this, and you will survive. Just suddenly you realise that you're not just surviving and you have started to live again...
Please do take care.
Hi there headfulloffog, I hope that reading sparklinglime's posts you recognise that there is life after this?
I too agree that it is good to be up front with your children, you have probably spent the last 20 years being the responsible mum and sheltering them from harm, but they are growing up and they are old enough to know what is going on, it does affect their lives too and you really don't need to be doing this all on your own. Let them in, no one is perfect, so maybe you can let go of some of the pressure you have put on yourself.
Go out for a walk! EVERYBODY needs some 'me' time, you have every right to do what is best for you first and foremost, the children will cope. It might even make them sit up and realise that you are a person who has needs and wants too.
Perhaps you could let them know that you plan to be out for an hour on Thursday early eve every week, so they get used to the idea rather than just leaving in the middle of a dispute!
It really sounds like you need to find you again. Take control, if it looks like you may have to move, make it your decision to get on and do it. If you find contact with ex difficult, make it your decision when and how you speak with him.
This is all very tough, but you will get through it, did you think about yourself going to counselling?
Hi headfulloffog
I was wondering how you are doing and whether the weekend has been any easier for you?
Dear headfulloffog
AAAAAGH! poor you, you really are going through it at the moment.
I am sure that sparkling lime will have some words of wisdom for you about her own experiences as she has been through some similar issues with children being seen separately etc.
Practicalities: if one child lives with each of you, you would hold the Child Benefit and Child Tax Credit for that child. Whilst the 16 year old remains in fulltime education then you remain jointly responsible for her upkeep, as he does for the 12 year old and, in theory, you both need to pay each other some child support. If there is a big disparity between your incomes then you need to go through the Child Support Agency to make sure you get adequate maintenance. Once the 16 year old is 18 then child support stops and you would get it for the 12 year old. Finally on a practical note, your 18 year old needs to contribute financially. If she receives Job Seekers Allowance of £50.95 then she could give you £40 each week of that towards her keep. And you need to tell her that if she won't, then she will have to find somewhere else to live. She is an adult now.
Moving to the problems you are having with your 16 year old. She behaves like this because she can, I do not mean it is "your fault" but she knows you will love her and show her attention however badly she bahves. She doesn't feel so safe with her dad so she is on her best behaviour. Would she agree to go to counselling? She sounds so angry about the separation. Have a look at http://www.relate.org.uk/find-your-nearest-service/index.html as Relateen provide specialist counselling services through Relate
You need to decide on one or two behaviours that really wind you up and sit her down and ask that those behaviours change. Giver her positive conseuquences, you can even draw up a contract. Think of the many many things you do for her. Put her two improved behaviours on on side of paper and two things you do for her that you could withdraw (lifts, ironing her stuff, whatever) Agree that both of you will keep your side of the contract. Once these two behaviours have settled you can tackle others
If you would like someone to talk to, get in touch with Parentline Plus on 0808 800 2222.
It will help if you learn not to up the ante. Teenage girls in particular know how to press all our buttons. Here's a book that will really help: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/1846680875/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272397084&sr=1-1
Anyway I hope these ideas provide some food for thought for now