Welcome to the Teenagers Online Group

Lin

Hi there, welcome to the One Space Teenagers Online Group! Glad you could join us!

The teenage years are often the most challenging time for parents - doubly so when you're parenting alone. How is life with your teenager? Are they a monster or an angel? Are you pulling your hair out or sitting back and smelling the roses? This is your space to share concerns, desires and frustrations about your teenagers with others who understand - join in by posting a topic or responding to topics posted by others!

I'm Lin and I have 2 teenagers, a girl of 17 and a boy of 14, and a twentysomething young man! I have worked with young people, and their parents, for many years in a variety of roles and have seen most things. I'm here to support you, so if you have any queries or things you want to discuss, get in touch!

I look forward to hearing from you.......

Posted on: September 29, 2008 - 1:03pm

wiseowl

Hi Lin

My daughter is 13, when she was born my cousin said to me that she hoped i didn't have a girl because she had just had a massive argument with her mum and they had ended up throwing plates at each other!

I did have a girl (obviously!) and because of her abusive father i have always worried that she would inherit that trait, but i have to say that there is no plate throwing or major arguments, she was a bit temperamental when she was small (usually after seeing her Dad) but she is completely cool now (she no longer see's her dad!)

When I was 13 i went completely off the rails and i am quite worried that she will follow suit, at the moment tho, she is working hard at school. This weekend she wanted to go to her friends for sleepover (which usually means eating tons of sweets and not really sleeping at all!!) I usually say yes, but this week she has been SO tired cos of school camping trip, I thought i should say no and make her catch up on her sleep, but she has been going on and on about it i presumed there would be a big tantrum......Anyway, just before she left for school this morning i told her that she could visit her friend but had to be home by 8pm and she breezily said "OK mum, see you later, love you" and left for school! What a doll, i had really expected an argument!!

so on that note, at this point in time, my 13 yr old teenager is doing OK!!

Posted on: October 3, 2008 - 8:45am

Lin

Hi wiseowl

When I read what your wrote about your cousin's comment when you were pregnant, I couldn't help thinking of the wicked fairy in the story of Sleeping Beauty - a negative prediction for the future if ever I heard one! It has obviously been in the back of your mind ever since, but thankfully it doesn't sound like it has come true in your daughter's case. It does make me wonder though about how much we and our children are affected by those kind of generally accepted beliefs, like girls are worse than boys and teenagers are monsters? Sometimes when we're in conflict with our teenagers it can be good to reflect on our own expectations for them and whether these are affecting how we respond and behave towards them?

Anyway, I'm glad to know that things are going ok with your daughter at the moment. It sounds like you set a boundary for her that she was able to realise was probably quite sensible! Sometimes I think teenagers really want us to set boundaries for them as life can often feel quite out of control at this kind of age, with raging hormones, haywire emotions and the rigours of trying to fit in and find an identity, and as long as they see that we are reasonable and flexible with our boundaries it can be enough to keep things on a generally even keel.......certainly not always, but sometimes!

Good to hear from you and let me know how things go.
Lin

Posted on: October 4, 2008 - 12:58pm

kazgothic

Hi all, i'm a single parent to a teenager! I'm 38 and have a 15 year old son and we live in London! He is a great boy and always has been! Very kind, caring, funny and a pleasure to look after! He is very hard working at school and is doing fantastic with his GCSE coursework and tests and wants to stay on at school for 6th form and hopes to get a good job in the future! Me and his dad split up when he was about 3 years old and they use to see each other every week! His dad met someone else and had 3 children with her and my son would go stay with them for 2 days every week even though he didn't get on with his dad's new partner, she was evil! His dad split with her a while ago and now he lives at the pub where he is head chef but cannot have my son to stay there and he now has no car so does not visit my son! He hardly bothers to call my son and only sees him for an hour or so in the school hols sometimes, which really annoys me like hell! He now has a new girlfriend and seems to spend his days off with her instead and acts like he has no children! I look after my son 7 days a week 24 hours a day and do everything for him and buy everything for him and do all the other things a mother does because his dad don't bother but it hasn't had any ill effect on my son as like i said before, he is brilliant and i'm very proud of him!

Posted on: December 11, 2008 - 5:31pm

Lin

Hi kazgothic

Thanks for introducing yourself and welcome to the Teenagers Online Group.

Sounds like you have a great relationship with your son and you are clearly very proud of him, which is fantastic. Just a shame about how his relationship with his dad has gone, as you say. Although it sounds like your son is ok with it and it obviously doesn't seem to have effected his balance or self-esteem, which I'm sure is down to the great parenting he has had from you. Does your son talk to you about how he feels about his dad and the way things are?

And of course, as you say, it's hard on you, because you do everything with no support and no-one to share the lows.....and the highs, which is equally if not more important. But it's his dad who in the end is losing out. The pleasure you get from your son is so clearly there in what you've written and he is missing all of that. Your son will know too, who was there for him, and loved him and looked after him, and really, you can't get better than that!

Enjoy One Space and hope to hear from you again soon :D
Lin

Posted on: December 12, 2008 - 8:04pm

lilruthie

Hi i am divorced with 3 lads 19,16 an 14 my 16yr old lives with me and my 2 other lads are livin with there dad, my 16yr old was with them til 18mnths ago, he basically did a moonlite flit n left his dad in the middle of the night, but omg since he has been back with me he has got very friendly with 2 older lads basically heavy drinkin, he has got into drugs been in trouble with the police lucky enough he had so many finale warnings, but he got arrested on monday for suspiction of GBH basically i lad got beaten so bad he was left for dead well my lad has told me he hit the lad in the face but his to mates smashed his skull in with a brick and half kicked him to death, the lad is still critical in hospital which the attack happened a week ago, basically his mates were taken in an interviewed but they have denied being anywhere nr the incident the police know they are lyin about that cos they were all seen running away from the scene n all got questioned in his mates flat, i don't condone wat my lad has done but my main concern is cos he has admitted to hitting him n if there's no proof of the others doin anythin then my lad will be takin the wrap for the whole incident...
He is out on bail til 7th september with a curfew of bein in at 10pm and not to have any contact with his mates...he has been told if he breaks his bail he will be rearrested and put on remand til the case goes to court as they wont grant him bail again....

I have been suffering on n of for the last 9yrs with severe depression with alot of admissions into a phsyciatric hospital, through attempted suicide an self harm...but i am hittin rock bottom again and dont know how im gonna deal with it all taking my lad into court and seein him bein pulled apart but my worse fear is if it gets proven he done the whole attack without his mates doin anythin i really dont know how im gonna feel towards him for such an awfull crime he doesnt know who the lad is so it's a random attack on an innocent lad who was in the wrong place at the wrong time...he has told the police officer in the interview that he had had alot to drink and he had been smokin cannabis all day, but he's not blamin wat he done on that cos he has admitted on the night of the attack he can remember and knew wat he was doin....

Can anyone give me some advice if they have teenagers who are already goin down this awfull past or heading that way like my lad is ???

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 1:14pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hi lilruthie

You must be sooooo worried, what horrid situation. You know your lad has done wrong but it seems as if he may take the rap for others' worse misdeeds. If it was my boy I would encourage him to tell the police everything he knows, including the extent of his involvement and the things he DID NOT do, but who did them. Also even if he does end up taking all the blame then you need to have a serious think about whether you believe his story, even if the police don't, as this is central to your relationship.

I am sorry to hear that you have suffered with depression on and off, I know such a thing can stalk you. :( Try to keep as level as you can during this time as you will need to be strong. Hope you have a good relationship with your GP who may provide some support. You may also get some parenting support and counselling through the Youth Offending Team (see http://www.yjb.gov.uk/en-gb/yjs/YouthOffendingTeams/)

My heart goes out to the injured lad and his family and let us hope he makes a good recovery soon

Take care

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 4:45pm

lonelyfairy

Hi
I'm new to this site & also have never posted anything on line before. So i apologise in advance for any mistakes i make.
So here goes, resently my husband died after a short illness. which left just me & my 16 year old daughter. We have both had trouble coming to terms with his passing. My daughter started to act out while her Dad was ill. But, she has worse as time goes on. She has become violent towards me & on quite a few occesions i have had to have her arrested, which was not an easy thing to do. She has twice being charged with assort & has to work with the Youth Offending Service. Nothing seems to work, we have had social workers, counsellors, berevement counsellors, you name it, we've had it! I'm at my wit's end to know what to do to help her.
I have never felt so lonely or so desporate in all my life! So if anyone out there is going thorough the same thing i would welcome any sugestions you may have!!!!

Lonelyfairy

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 7:42pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

Hello lonelyfairy

Firstly you are welcome to One Space. Secondly please accept my condolences for your bereavement. You have been through a really tough time. I am so sorry to hear of all the awful trouble you are having with your daughter. It sounds (from an outsider's point of view) as if your daughter's behaviour has been triggered or made worse by the death of her father. Of course, it has been very hard for you too and maybe one of the things you need to so is get support for yourself so that you can cope better with what is happening. I really am surprised that counselling has not helped your daughter as one of their specialities is helping with anger management.....and this IS anger from your daughter, as part of being bereaved. You are the one constant in her life and she will be really worried that something will happen to you too and so she lashes out. You need to be really strong, really calm and really focused. Not easy!

I would suggest you speak to your GP about some Family Therapy through your local CAMHS (Children and adolescents mental health services) where they can work with BOTH of you.Alternatively continue to explore any other sources of cousnelling in your area, including Relateen (see http://www.relate.org.uk/NearestRelate.asp)

Also, keep posting here and we can give you some support!

Posted on: August 9, 2009 - 9:24pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi lilruthie and lonelyfairy

You are going through very different, but very difficult times with your teenagers and my heart goes out to you.

Please have a look at this link http://www.youngminds.org.uk/parents. There is a free phone number where you can talk to experts and give you advice on what your next steps could be.

Please remember that it is your 'teenagers behaviour' that is horrible, not your teenager. During difficult times it is often hard to remember that. But when talking about their behaviour with them it shows that you are not pointing the finger directly at them, just what they do.

If there is a parenting programme in your area, it is worth joining up, you may meet others in similar situations as yourselves and it can be a support for you.

Please reach out to as many agencies as you can for your own support, because you need to find strength to deal with these situations.

Please keep in touch and let us know what is going on for you.

Posted on: August 10, 2009 - 1:50pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Hi lonelyfairy

I have just come across this report http://www.parentlineplusforprofessionals.org.uk/cmsFiles/policy_briefings/Aggressive_behaviour_in_children151008.pdf Pages 23 and 24 give some great tips and advice, I hope you might find this useful.

Posted on: August 12, 2009 - 11:36am

Lin

Hi lilruthie

I’m really sorry to hear about all that you are having to deal with at the moment with your son, it is clearly very difficult for you.

I know that from where you’re standing at the moment – in the thick of it all – that it must seem that life is very bleak. I support everything that Louise and Anna have said, however for me, I think the most important thing, and very positive thing, is that your son has owned up to his involvement in the incident. It may not seem like it, and I understand that you have doubts about whether he is being totally honest, but being prepared to own up to something like that is incredibly courageous and I mean incredibly, and you may think this a strange thing to say, it is also something to be proud of. There are many, many young people who get involved in ‘wrong doing’ everyday to varying degrees of criminality, who lie about it and who try to get away with it. In fact, the path of trying to avoid detection is the norm.

And although it may not seem like there is any cause for celebration at the moment, this is definitely something to be glad about and I’ll tell you why. We all make mistakes, to a greater and lesser degree, and however serious that mistake is, whether it’s letting a friend down or committing murder it is only when we can own our mistakes and accept what we have done that we can find forgiveness, in ourselves, and move on. Now I am sure there are many people who would say that there is nothing to celebrate in a situation like this and certainly it is unforgivable – you only have to read the tabloids and watch television to know what a judgemental and unforgiving society we are – but where does that kind of attitude get us? It just breeds more hatred and in particular, self-hatred and if your son is allowed to get bogged down by judgement and self-hatred then it is likely to lead to more drink, drugs and violence because that’s what people who hate themselves do in order to hide from those feelings. Your son needs to know that he made a mistake, and that he can accept what he has done, accept his punishment and move on and grow to be a stronger from it – you can both grow and be stronger from it.

I think it is extremely admirable that your son has owned up and shown such courage which the other boys have definitely not shown. You may never know exactly the extent of your son’s involvement in what happened but I think that the support you can give him to remain truthful and come to a place of forgiveness is much more important. Blame, doubt, shame and on-going guilt do not help anyone, least of all the boy who has been hurt. Forgiveness for ourselves and those we love is not an easy thing to do and if you have a understanding friend or family member or someone in your community who would work with on this then get them on your side.

The other thing is that it is vital that you get support as soon as possible for your mental health. You are obviously aware that your history of mental ill-health means that you are vulnerable. Get help as quickly as possible, go to your GP or find another one if you don’t feel comfortable or supported by the one you have, also access any other mental health support services that you know exist where you live or find out where they are, contact your local Social Services. Get help now, it is so important that you stay as resilient and strong as you can.

And finally, I wish you, and your son, all the best. I think you can be proud of him for owning up even whilst feeling appalled at what has been done to the boy who was attacked.

Lin

Posted on: August 14, 2009 - 1:05pm

Lin

Hi lonelyfairy

This is a really tough situation for you, not only have you suffered a bereavement but when you want to grieve and begin to get over the loss of your husband, you are having to deal with the behaviour of your daughter.

I agree with Louise that some family therapy through the Children and Adolescent Mental Health Services would be good, although it can be difficult to get a referral – worth trying but be aware that your situation may not be considered appropriate for intervention.

However, I am not sure about anger management. It may be that your daughter’s behaviour appears on the surface to be angry behaviour, however most violence of this nature comes from fear, not anger. The fact that it began whilst her dad was ill supports this, she will have been very scared at the prospect of her father dying and if she didn’t understand how to deal with that fear then it would manifest as anger.

Young people get scared because they feel that nobody is listening to them or understands how they feel. It is also because they feel unsafe and unsupported. I don’t know what your daughter’s relationship was with her father but if he was her sense of security in the world then she is going to feel very strongly that the world is no longer safe. It may be that if you communicate with her from this point of view that she may begin to calm down. She may not hear what you are saying immediately so don’t be discouraged. Keep repeating it and trust that she will be digesting everything you say. Teenagers can take a long time to really begin to understand and respond to things, so keep in there and be patient.

At the same time, it is vital that you look after yourself, Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe, get support (Women’s Aid is a possibility as it is domestic abuse – http://www.womensaid.org.uk) and above all, don’t take it personally - your daughter loves you and needs you even though she may not be showing it very much right now.

All the best, let us know how you get on
Lin

Posted on: August 14, 2009 - 1:11pm

Anna

Parenting specialist

Great information and ideas, thanks Lin.

Posted on: August 17, 2009 - 11:44am