Hi Pansy
I would suggest a card or little letter to her saying "I know things have been difficult since the separation (you may have been told things that are just not true) but the children and I are keen to keep in touch with you and I hope that we can continue to be friends. Love etc"
It may provoke a reaction one way or another?
Yes that must be hard, Pansy, to know that you are extending the olive branch when your children's dad has been so......"difficult" :shock: and your mother-in-law acts as if it is SHE who is being benevolent. Just rise above it and grit your teeth and remember that it is good for he children to have their grandma involved...
I was reading your post pansy and going to suggest the letter idea. Stating facts, without emotion. But you have already done that, so I wonder as she has said she wants to continue a good relationship with you and the children whether you can try and ensure that he doesn't get mentioned.
It is damaging for you and for the children to hear negative connotations about you, I wonder if you can suggest that you make it an unwritten rule with her, as I am sure she doesn't want to hear negative things about her son either??
Hi Pansy
That sounds like a good idea, giving the letter I mean. It might be a bit strained on Monday though, (I'm sure you're expecting that) She has to understand what happened when your ex was there, and that it is no good for the children. It won't be easy for her to hear, afterall, he is her son, but once she sits and reads the letter, (I'm sure more than once), she will eventually realise. I guess it will be hurtful to her, but hopefully, you, she and the children can kept back on track.
I wish you well.
Take care
Alison
x :)
That sounds a good plan, Pansy, and I have experience of working with so many grandparents who lose contact with their grandchildren after a relationship breakdown, and are heartbroken as a result, that I think it is wonderful you are offering her this chance
Hi pansy, this sounds great, I like what alisoncam said about if it is in a letter she can take it away and will probably read it more than once. She may well look for your part in all of this, just so she doesn't have to face up to her son's behaviour so I want to add, that in the letter try and be as factual and impersonal about the whole situation as possible.
It may well be tricky, but if she sees that you are full of good intentions towards her, with no animosity towards her son, just being a sensible, responsible mother, then hopefully that will be her lasting impression. Really try hard not to say anything negative about him, just his behaviour (It sounds like parenting doesn't it!!)
Best of Luck with it all. Will be thinking of you.
Hi pansy
It is good that you came to your decision and from your other post it sounded like the visit went ok. :)
It is so horrible when you do your utmost to be diplomatic, considerate and careful to have your ex throw it back in your face. I am so glad that you have the support of your friends and your family.
How are you feeling with it all now, have you or the children heard from him?
I can imagine that is very upsetting. You're right: your first concern has to be for the children's safety and well-being and if his behaviour is erratic then you have to take care. Soooooo...it is Ok for him to leave and set up home with a woman he has never even met in person and leave you with the kids and all the bills, but it is not Ok for you to have a new boyfriend????? :shock: and it drives him to drink.....so does that mean it is your fault? You need to stay really focused here and not allow him to hook you into former patterns.
I am sorry that you feel so sad and that you have missed out. You will truly look back at this time and wonder why you were so sad, though. There's a lot of future ahead of you, Pansy and the world is your oyster!
Hi pansy
I think he's cooked his goose too. You can't be sure he'd keep them safe.
Hard for you, I know.
xxx
Hi pansy
It is so horrible when they don't get the message and you have to keep re-iterating everything, I am sure that could be part of the tactics...to wear you down until you say Yes. I wonder if you can ignore the texts when they come in and then just look at them perhaps once a week. You have said that your solicitor will be in touch so I feel that you don't need to say anymore.
It is sad when we realise that our children will never know the man we first fell in love with, or the great Dad that we presumed they would be. I agree with you.
But on another note, I am so happy to read that you are finding a whole new life. When you first came online, I don't think you could see a future, but now it sounds like you recognise that the world is your oyster and this can only be a good thing for your children. (I know it can be saddening to think about what you have missed, but don't dwell on it - the future is yours for the taking and you are now in a position to do so!)
Keep up the good work, don't blame yourself and know that everything your ex does is some sort of tactic to get you to agree with him, or see him in a different light, for an alcoholic it can often take 3-4 years for them to become clean and rebuild their life before they truly recognise the grief and loss that they have inflicted on others and themselves.
Yes, I remember you saying about the MIL taking them to Scotland at Christmas. Being polite is quite sufficient, and will make it easier for the children :D
Hey pansy, does that mean you get to have some time to yourself???
How wonderful for you. I hope you spend it doing lots of nice things, that YOU want to do. :D
Hi
It is a difficult one. My father-in-law still thinks his son is wonderful, knowing that he really is a Git.
I have the brilliant relationship with them that I do because she is my step-mother-in-law. If his mother was alive I know I wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near the house.
You're right. She won't listen. I think at the moment there's little point trying to get your side of the story over. My father-in-law finally asked me for the story about 4 years after we split up. It was the first time he was aware of why the house had to be sold. I also told him that ex had defaulted on debt and that I was being pursued for them until I'd pointed out we'd divorced. He was shocked.
I think in time the parents of ex's do start to see things. They realise the tale they were told was just that, a tale.
If the children get on well with them, then if you can stand it let them keep in contact. She'll see how settled the girls are without him. My step-mother-in-law often comments on how happy and relaxed my children are since The Git hardly sees them.
No easy answer pansy, I'm afraid. I just used to try and think how sad it was for my father-in-law. He lost his youngest son due to alcohol abuse. He was 41 and died January 2006. So he's had to cope with that as well as realising that The Git is just that...