Hi Deyone
My son is now 7, he was your son's age when he started with the many many questions. I went for the honest approach. I did track the 'sperm doner' down, and a few months later, he and my son met for the first time. My son was then age 5. Since that first visit, he has seen him once more, and spoken on the phone. He has broken so many promises to my son, and has never contributed to anything, so I told him not to contact anymore.
My son is very bright for his age too, and long ago worked out what his father is really like. I only hope that my son doesn't hold it against me later on in his life, but he knows that he can call the father anytime he wishes, and I will of course stand by that. (just hoping he doesn't ever ask)
My son knows he is very much loved by me, and that he was very much wanted by me.
I wish you well, let us know how things go.
Take care
Alison
x
Hi deyone
I do think that he WILL see his dad for what he is as he gets older but of course that seems a long way away right now. You do have to realise that his dad may "pop up" in the future and if he went to court he would probably get some parenting time, so it might be easier to do things on your own terms rather than waiting for a court to dictate to you.
It is heartbreaking to see the sadness that missing a parent can cause our children and so awful that we are left to pick up the pieces
Best wishes
Hi deyone
You are sooo right, it is really upsetting to see our children get hurt, with almost everything else in their lives, we can fix things but when it comes to the absent parent, there is nothing we can do about it.
Its lovely to read that your son has a good relationship with your dad and your brother, and I agree that its not the same thing as having a decent dad around, but from what you have said, his dad wasn't decent, so it is the ideal opportunity to teach your son about what growing up to be a good man is all about. Perhaps you could ask him how he would like to be when he is a father, how he thinks a good father should behave.
Don't feel guilty that his dad walked out on him, (yeah, I know easier said than done), but its not your fault and it doesn't mean that your son won't have a wholesome healthy life, in fact he is probably better off dealing with this now rather than when he is older and as alisoncam says he will soon learn for himself.
Keep communication open with him and be upfront, honesty is always the best policy (just maybe need to be more guarded with it, when they are young). He needs to know and YOU need to believe that he is not missing out, he just has a different life structure. It sounds as though you have a smashing dad and we wish the same for our kids, but if they don't have it they can't miss it and we don't want them to grow up thinking something is missing.
I know I have started to waffle on, sorry! Has your son started school this year?
Hi again deyone
I know what you mean about the guilt, for a long while I felt guilty for choosing such an inadequate dad for my boys but I now know that I have been a more than adequate mum and they have turned out ok (they are 20 and 15 now, gosh that makes me feel old) Your boy has some good make role models in his life and it is only natural that he notices that other children have dads in their lives. As he gets into the bigger world of school there will be plenty of children who live with one parent.
I have seen a book for children your boy's age this week. It is an American book about a boy who gets teased at school for not having a dad and goes home and confronts his mum. His mum explains that they are no longer together and how wonderful his uncle is etc. It might be worth you having a look. It is called "Do I have a daddy?" and is by Jeanne Warren Lindsay, you can get it quite cheaply from www.amazon.co.uk
Alisoncam, this book looks a bit young for your son otherwise I would recommend it to you too, although your son seems to be very aware of the ins and outs of his situation.
I am sorry to take so long getting back to you, I didn't find your post.
I am glad that you are finding solutions to your sons questions, he is going to ask and question your family situation.
I think we need to be consistent with what we tell them, so that it sticks in their heads!
My daughter is 15 and has ongoing issues with her dad, she knows the truth and completely trusts what I tell her, as I have been the consistent one in her life.
How are things with you this week?
Hi all
I know that kids go through different stages, but these last few weeks have been pretty hard for me. No matter what I do or say, my 7 year old is rarely doing as he is told. I have done the usual things like turn off the tv, take a favourite toy away, talk calmly, shout, scream, and yes, even smacked. I praise all the time for good behaviour, (I always have done), but god it is sooooooo difficult to ignore the bad behaviour)
He changed when he started school, and he has really changed since he joined Year 2. So cocky!!!!! He is still well behaved at school, and butter wouldn't melt. I know he is trying to fit in with some of his classmates, and so says words that he doesn't say at home, (not talking swear words here) like aint, innit, etc
After we have had our chat, he promises to be good, (I tell him no child can be good all of the time), we hug, snuggle, and best of friends again, until the next time! When I say next time, we aren't talking weeks later, I mean a few hours later, or the following day.
I was beginning to think that it was me, and how I must have done something wrong with him, but I know it isn't. I have his friends round who are absolute monsters and hooligans, who think they can jump on my furniture etc. They talk to their parents as if they are nothing, and that is what my son is beginning to do with me.
I dread it getting worse, especially in the teens, and I look at him and think, jesus, if I lose control and respect now, I haven't a hope in hell in a few years time, and that is very frightening.
hello alisoncam
Yes, it is difficult to ignore bad behaviour, and in one sense, if you ignore it for, say, 20 minutes and then snap anyway then all it will teach your child is that it is worth being naughty for 21 minutes, lol.
One method which does work if you can stay calm, is called "First...then" The "First" must be expressed positively, so instead of saying "Stop whingeing right now or you will go to your room", this method turns that on its head and suggests you say "FIRST you must be quiet and sit down and THEN we can talk about whether you are going to watch Ben 10" or "WHEN you can talk nicely to me THEN I will be able to listen to you" or "FIRST you must pick up your toys and THEN we can have a story". Each phrase (or whatever is appropriate) can be repeated over and over quietly and calmly.
Now, the first time you do this it will take a while to get a result and if you "give in" then it won't work at all. But each time you do it, it will get easier.
You could also try a star chart for specific behaviours.
I agree with you, though, it is good to get the discipline in place now and it will stand you in great stead for the difficult teen years. EEK!
Hi Louise
Thankyou, I will certainly start the 'first' off tomorrow.
Its days like today, when my back feels like it is breaking, and my son has played up for weeks, days, that I wonder what on earth I am doing wrong, or when on earth did it start going wrong!
Right now, its like butter wouldn't melt. He is sat reading a book quietly.
Hope you've had a good week.
Take care
Alison
x
The "first and then" works really well here. Very effective with my 14 year old who can be very difficult to reason with - especially now he's getting on a bit! :-D
Hi alisoncam
That was a good pun, though I am sorry to hear about your poor back. I'm not sure sending you a cyber-massage would be very effective, so I am sending you a cyber-message. Sorry I had to get my pun in, too!
I love the first...then method, it is one of my favourite parenting techniques and lasts until they grow up, as in "first you must show me that you are trustworthy by getting home at midnight for a couple of weeks and then we can look at you occasionally having later nights out"
How's your back this morning?
Hiya
My back is a bit better thankyou, not as bad as yesterday anyway! I saw my GP this morning, and she has diagnosed anxiety. I was with her a good half hour. Although, I have to say i was embarrassed at telling her exactly how I felt, I did so all the same. I tried to explain it all by saying that my head hasn't felt 'right' since before Xmas. I fly off the handle so easily these days, I'm tired constantly, not much energy, etc etc. My main concern through all of this is my son obviously. I know he isn't an angel, but half the stuff he does doesn't warrant me lashing out at him in anger or frustration. Sometimes, I cry and absolutely believe he would be so much better off in Foster care or something, and then I cry again at the mere thought of that. Completely mad, mad, mad.
Anyhow the GP took my blood pressure, (it was high last time), again it is high, but she said she is not terribly worried at this point. I'm to have a blood test, (fast for 12 hours) and urine test. No appointments for blood until 2 weeks time! She wants to see me about a week after the test. She prefers me not to go on any tablets yet for the anxiety, to see if it settles by itself, but will talk about that again when I next see her. Also told me to go on to a website. www.patient.co.uk as she feels this could help me!
So I've been and told all. I don't feel any better for it of course, but at least now, I can understand my 'behaviour' better, and know that I'm not completely losing the plot. My son is also off school with a cold and swollen glands. On Tuesday he was off with pains in his tummy. If I had been feeling more like the 'old' me, I would still have taken him yesterday and today, but I didn't. Anyhow, after the Drs I had to get a bit of shopping in, so being on my own, I had to take him with me. (He did sit outside the Dr's room). I popped into a local shop, and I had some moron say to me 'if he is ill, then you should keep him indoors'.My reply was 'well, you do my shopping, and then I would gladly keep him warm indoors'. I might start wearing a big sign saying 'Beware, this lady bites back'
I hope everyone else is dealing with life better than me at the moment. I guess we all put a brave front on a lot of things. Anyhow, take care all, and keep warm
Alison
x
Hello alisoncam
WELL DONE for telling the doctor how you felt. If you have anxiety then that will be affecting your sleep as well and things always seem worse when we are tired. I wonder what the blood test is for, do you think it is sugar levels? Also they might check your cholesterol if you have high blood pressure.
Sorry, but I would have said exactly the same to that woman who made that remark. It's amazing to me that when we bcome parents we are expected to tolerate all sorts of comments. When my eldest was a baby I used to carry him in one of those sling things, they were quite innovative in those days. I was regularly stopped by elderly ladies telling me that he was too squahed or it was unsuitable. He loved it, being snuggled close, and in the little local supermarket I could not get my pram in the aisles and I wasn't going to leave him outside so it was great to do some hands-free shopping. Anyway instead of the sign you suggested I think you should have one saying "if you can't say anything helpful then do not bother" teehee.
As for you thinking about your son being better off in care, that is when you are feeling very stressed and low about yourself as a parent. it's extra-hard when we are parenting alone and there is no-one to reassure us that we are doing an Ok job. But you're right, any anxiety you have will affect your relationship with your son so I am delighted that you have taken the first step in getting some help. Do you think counselling would be any help? You could ask the doctor next time.
None of us can be the perfect parent and it is important to give yourself a pat on the back (not too hard on your poorly bit) for the many good things you are doing
Hi Louise
We did mention counselling, and I said by the time I got an appointment, I would probably have sorted myself out!!! He, (my son) has been good today, he made me a sandwich, but was too tired to make himself one!!! I have asked two people to contact me via text, (these people ask me for help), and so far, I've received nothing. Again, that makes me think sometimes I'm a pushover, and everyone knows it, and yet when I am in need of help, no one comes to my rescue. Guess we can't change who we are, (god i wish we could)
Thankyou for listening, and for being here. That is what is great about this site. Take care
Alison
x
Prime example. I have spoken to two people, one being my sister. I broke down, and at that point she said she would speak to me tomorrow!!! I wanted a bit of company, so texted someone that I've known for years, and a few weeks ago helped out. Response from that, was, C....... is your responsibility, and you have to get on with it. THANKS.
To top it all, I have smoked 6 cigs today, and hate myself even more for that.
Tomorrow will be another day, and I know that. I told my sister if I'm in this pain now, back and stuff, what am I going to be like in 2 years? I feel desperately sorry for my lad, having a mother like me, who whinges and whines at every creak in her body, can just about get on the floor with him to play.
Hello alisoncam
yes it is another day and here I am to say good morning to you.
Your son loves you, he wouldn't swap you for any other mummy, believe me.Your back is so bad because of all that crawling around the floor decorating, and it will get better. You have to take it a day at a time. if you had some cigarettes yesterday then it's not the end of the world. Just start again. I am looking at you through my imaginary glasses now, lol.
However the point you make about people not helping you is very significant and worth a really thorough reflection. if the people that you help, and honour with the name of "friend" do not live up to that, then it's time to ditch them. Harsh but true.I know you can't "ditch" family but you can back off a bit if it is too upsetting.
Alison you are such a wonderful support to people on here and I want you to know that we are here to support you too. Do get your name down for counselling, you can make a decision whether to take it up when you get to the top of the list. A counsellor will help you look at the patterns you have talked about, with you not getting the help from people despite you own kindness to them, and would help you to work out a way forward.
What's on the agenda this weekend? I am sensing a PJ day tomorrow.....and today I think a massive cyber HUG is called for!
Loads of love to you both, and loads of hugs too.
Wish these virtual things helped.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Deyone
Welcome to One Space.
This question has come up time and time again and there is no right or wrong answer.
Some parents choose to cover for their childs absent parent and others go with complete honesty.
When my daughter was small, her dad let her down time and time again and I always covered for him, then one day I realised I was leading her to believe that it was ok that he treated her like that. So I changed tack and told her that I didn't agree or understand why he behaved like he did, that she was a smashing kid and I would never behave like that. I also told her what I believed was the right and respectful way for him to behave.
Some people may think that I was disrespecting him, but I felt it was important that she knew what I believed and that I was being up front with her.
Have a read of our article How to talk to your child about an absent parent, which has a few tips at the bottom of the page.
Ultimately your relationship with your son is the most important one and children can only daydream of an absent parent, we need to keep their feet on the ground as to the reality of the situation.
Do you have brothers or uncles that your son has bonded with?