what do i tell my son

alone

hi all,

u may remember me from my post 'i feel useless', well thanks to all your support & also seeing how some others r with their children, i dont feel as useless as i did, in fact the other day i actually called myself a good mother :o of course i still have my bad days, especially when my soon to be 3 yr old is playing up, ALL DAY!

anyway i touched upon it in my previous post, i havent seen my son's so called father since i was 5 mths pregnant.

my son is already asking where is his daddy, i didnt realise it would be so early! what do i say? so far ive been saying he hasnt got a daddy because he had to go away (which is partly true hes now in the army) leaving out the bit that his dad is a total waste of space that's never wanted to know him and probably never will, of course i would never say that but apart from saying hes gone away what else do i say???

your replies r appreciated as always thank u

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 7:56am

hazeleyes

Hi alone
It is a toughie isn't it, when they start asking. I have been through the same, and I always promised myself that I would tell my son the truth. Fortunately, my son is a bright kid, and to be honest once he'd met him, and spoke to him over the phone, he wasn't really bothered.
I answered another members post on the subject, so I have copied and pasted my reply for you.

Quote:

. My son, 7, also started more questions when he was 4. I tracked him down, and sent texts. I simply told him that my child was asking about him. (at that point, the sperm doner didn't know if he had a son or daughter, and I wasn't about to tell him, until he asked). The texts went on for a while, and then he asked if he could ring my son. I prepared my little boy, and after a few months, they met. That all took place nearly 2 years ago, and it hasn't gone swimmingly I have to say. From the beginning, I told this man that if he let my son down in any way, I would stop contact. Well, he did let him down or more than a few occassions. The long and the short is, my son knows that I will ring 'the sperm doner' if he wants me too, but he isn't interested. He has seen for his self what this man is like.
Sometimes I'm glad I tracked him down, (for my son's sake), and other times, (like when he let him down) I wish I hadn't bothered. I guess my son had to make his own mind up, yes, he is young, but he is very wise.

I wish you well
Take care
Alison
x

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 1:27pm

hazeleyes

Hi alone
Sorry, I have just read your post again, and I didn't actually answer properly!!!!
You say you told your son that he doesn't have a father because he is in the army. I think maybe you chould change it to 'your dad is in the army, and that is why you don't get to see him, but you do have a daddy'.
Did this man know that he was going to be a dad? Would you want him involved in anyway?
I contacted the 'sperm doner' for my son. From the beginning I knew it was a mistake, and that the jerk wouldn't be that interested, but I couldn't keep up the little story that I had told my son when he was younger. (his father was afraid of small children, like some people are afraid of dogs)!!!
I have been lucky with my boy. I don't know if that is because I've talked openly to him about the jerk, or really what it is.
When he saw the father for the first time, the 'sperm doner' gave my son some pics of him, (they have been in a drawer in son's bedroom ever since) Son's own choice, and I wouldn't make him put them up. They are there for him if he wants to do so. Funny enough, the 'sperm doner' didn't ask for any pics of MY son.
Keep posting for support. Lovely to see you here again :)

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 1:41pm

alone

yes thanks i sort of meant that u dont have a daddy because hes not here but your right i should change it to that.

i told him when i was 3 months pregnant so he did know and he rang me when i was 5 mths saying he wanted to see him and be involved but that was the last time i spoke to him.

hes got 2 other children by different women, hes seen his daughter a few times but ive put on the other post he turned up in the early hours and woke her up saying u love daddy more than mummy, when she has only met him a few times. he is a user and was only after sex from this other woman and had been out drinking thats why he turned up at that time.

i have got photos of him i dont know whether to show him now or wait. ive contacted him loads of times saying he could see him if he wanted to, supervised of course, but hes not interested. i think hes embarrassed by me or something, because im a lot older than him. he hasnt even told his family about us but has this other woman and his daughter.

so ive given up on contacting him now.

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 3:03pm

hazeleyes

Hi shortie
It very much sounds like you've tried and been knocked back by this man. If he has said that he isn't interested, then personally I wouldn't try again, but of course this is your own choice. As for your son, (this is really the heartbreaking part isn't it), he is still young, but like you say, is already asking questions. Can you just tell him that his daddy is away because of his job, and maybe give him a photo for now. Again, I would do it this way, (others will give their opinions too I'm sure). Hopefully your son will be so happy just to see what this man looks like, along with the story of him being in the army of course. As he gets older, maybe you could tell him a little bit more until he is able to fully understand. Children soon cotton on anyhow, and make their own minds up.
As for him being embarrassed because you are older than him, that is ridiculous. You weren't too old for him to sleep with!!!! He is the one with the problem, not you.
Did you say in a much earlier post that you know one of the other mums and are in contact with her? Do the children get together too?
Keep posting shortie, and others will be along to give support too.
Take care
Alison
x :)

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 7:48pm

alone

thanks yes i know i have been so down on myself over him. i am friends with the other mother and my son does know his half sister, there r only 4 mths between them so that says alot about his father!!! but its hard for me because according to her he still wants her and texts all the time and hes never wanted to know me or my son. i know he hasnt changed and he would cheat and make me feel rubbish but it does make me think there's something wrong with me.

we are friends at the moment but when she talks about him all the time i have to keep breaking the friendship off, its too upsetting for me. :cry:

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 8:07pm

Claire-Louise

Hi alone
Well I do feel for you as this is a difficult topic and you might like to look at this topic as well as similar things have been discussed and there might be answer here for you:
http://groups.onespace.org.uk/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=534
My thoughts would be to keep it simple, keep it truthful and only give as much info as is asked for and then you can wait for further questions. I think if you have a photo then it is always nice to see a person through photos and try not to let them build up a really positive image so their hopes are not built up and then slashed. So I think I would say that he is in the army and lives in another country and that he doesn't live here with us and that he does know about you but he is not able to come over to visit, maybe that he is not ready to have children.
Does that help?
Claire-Louise
PS I am gald that you are feeling so much better about yourself and I have no doubt that you are an excellent mother! We all have our bad days remember?!

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 8:18pm

hazeleyes

Hi alone

Quote:

according to her he still wants her and texts all the time and hes never wanted to know me or my son.

I could be totally wrong here, but maybe she knows that you still have feelings for him, and maybe she does too, so she just says that he texts her!!!

Quote:

i know he hasnt changed and he would cheat and make me feel rubbish but it does make me think there's something wrong with me.

Ok, you know what he is like, you know he would cheat on you, etc, but there is nothing wrong with you. He is the one with the problem alone, definately not you. It sounds as if he cannot commit to one woman.
Even though you know what he's like, you can't help who you love, just try to keep telling yourself that he isn't worth anymore heartache. Think of your child, and the fact that he didn't want to know him. How heartless is that?

Quote:

we are friends at the moment but when she talks about him all the time i have to keep breaking the friendship off, its too upsetting for me.

:cry:

Perhaps you could ask her not to talk about him. If you keep breaking off the friendship, then your son will be missing out on his half-sister too.

Take care
Alison
x

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 8:28pm

alone

i have told her not to talk about him but she keeps doing it, all my friends say how insensitive she is, i dont think she does it on purpose.

i know what you're saying about his half sister but it got to the point where i was crying my eyes out over it and thought i was having a break down she wouldnt leave me alone kept texting me over and over when we fell it saying she wanted to be friends.

i think i am moving on from it, ive talked with her recently and it didnt upset me that shes slept with him again, shes not seeing him now, because hes obviously let her down again.

i do keep telling myself how heartless he is not wanting to know my son who is lovely.

thank u xx

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 8:35pm

hazeleyes

Hi alone
The friendship, or even the relationship for your son, isn't worth having a breakdown over.
I'm in a way in a similar position to you regarding my son and his half-sister, so I kind of know where you're coming from.
One Space will give you as much support as possible, so keep on posting
Hope you have a good evening
Alison
x :)

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 8:43pm

sparklinglime

Online

Loads of hugs coming your way (for both of you).

I think it's such a dificult thing to deal with.

Posted on: January 18, 2010 - 10:13pm

Louise

Parenting specialist

hello alone

Yes the other child is your son's half sister but it sounds as if you getting drawn in to the whole thing about the children's father and the other mum is really getting you down. It will be difficult for you to move on until you can break free of it all. How about changing your mobile number (get a new SIM) and then you can't get all these texts. She is only pursuing you because you are showing her that you are listening. Whatever does or doesn't go on between him and her, you have to look after your own emotional well-being and if that means breaking off the friendship then so be it.

Next, what can you do to help youself in a positive way? if you are still going through a big emotional process then would it help to talk to a counsellor? How about choosing a new activity which is something you really enjoy and will give you some focus, and hopefully enable you to meet some new friends with the same interest?

Posted on: January 19, 2010 - 7:12am

alone

thank u

ive met up with some of my old friends again now so at least have some people that i can talk to as well as people on here that understand how i feel, thank u so much for that.

i have had counselling, which has helped me but in the end they say its down to me to break the bad cycle im in involving him and the rest of those people i used to know which were and are no good for me.

ive just got my so called love life to sort out now, which has got me involved with the wrong men i.e. married men, just looking for some sort of affection i guess, but when they finish it i end up feeling worse

Posted on: January 19, 2010 - 2:17pm

Claire-Louise

Hi Alone
It is really good to hear that you have managed to meet up with someold friends who understand you well. I am also really glad you have found this site supportive.
As for the love life - it is a tricky one. My philosophy is that if you are looking for love so to speak then you don't really find it. Love finds you, often when you least expect it! Part of the trick is that you need to really love yourself for who you are before you can truely love anyone else. So it is important to take the time to find out who you are again and become confident with that. Does that make any sense?
Cheers C-L

Posted on: January 19, 2010 - 5:14pm

alone

thanks sparklinglime for the hugs by the way :)

believe me claire louise im not looking for it, i havent been for a long time, i seem to get myself caught up in situations i.e. married men, yes i admit i get lonely but dont believe i will ever meet anyone, i think i will b on my own forever now.

Posted on: January 19, 2010 - 5:31pm