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What is fair contact? (contact proposal)

sadsy

Please help me.
I need your views on putting together a contact proposal for this Tuesday 10th:

What is fair contact for the parent without care and the parent with care?

Telephone
only at certain times from parent without care? or anytime. What about from the child?

Christmas
Alternating each year? 1 week one parent one week the other?

Easter
Easter weekend bank holiday for the parent that is working, the school holiday days fro parent with care.
(thinking that a working parent is only likely to have 20-25 paid holiday a year.

Weekends
Alternating, or 2 out of three in favour of the parent without care to compensate for all the weekdays that the parent with care has.

Birthdays
Alternating each year? What about time of work for the parent without care?

Bank holidays
Alternating?

Illness
Duty to inform the other parent when a child falls ill?

Schooling
schoool plays and open evenings

Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long to be off work for parent working. Parent without care for 2 weeks?
Parent with care gets 4 weeks. Should be compensated for elswhere so the parent without care is not disadvantaged.

Mobile phones
If child is not allowed to call parent without care, can the child be given mobile phone so they can text or phone when they feel they need to? What ages?

Letters
Should child be able to write to the parent without care, and should the child be able to receive letters without let or hindrance. Should the parent with care be able to intercept and read private letters for the child?

Email
When should the child be able to receive and send emails to the parent without care? What privacy is allowable?

School open evenings
These can usually be split, so that parents can attend at different times or days?

Xmas nativity plays and concerts
usually more than one performance night, so parents can arrange with school to do different evenings - hard one as children need picking up by the parent with care?

I'll ask my 10 year old what he thinks, but not the five year old.

Any ideas? I know most of you will be the parent with care, however I'm still interested in your views.

Any other things I should consider?

What are your views on only counting holiday days as contact, where the parent in care weekdays do not count as contact? Seems to become a precedent somehow.

You only got today and tomorrow to be able to help me.

Thanks

sy

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 11:57am
Pansy

sadsy wrote:
Please help me.
I need your views on putting together a contact proposal for this Tuesday 10th:

What is fair contact for the parent without care and the parent with care?

Telephone
only at certain times from parent without care? or anytime. What about from the child?

should be anytime from both sides

Christmas
Alternating each year? 1 week one parent one week the other?

yes I would say that is very fair to alternate each year.

Easter
Easter weekend bank holiday for the parent that is working, the school holiday days fro parent with care.
(thinking that a working parent is only likely to have 20-25 paid holiday a year.

sounds fair.

Weekends
Alternating, or 2 out of three in favour of the parent without care to compensate for all the weekdays that the parent with care has.

I don't see why not,as long as the children are happy with it. yours will be for now, but as they get older things can change when thet get friends they want to see where they are living.

Birthdays
Alternating each year? What about time of work for the parent without care?

yes can be alternated. depends what day it falls on. If Parent working then no reason why another day close to birthday can't be arranged.

Bank holidays

Alternating?

yes

Illness
Duty to inform the other parent when a child falls ill?

yes definatly

Schooling
schoool plays and open evenings

you should be informed & given the chance to attend if you wish

Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long to be off work for parent working. Parent without care for 2 weeks?
Parent with care gets 4 weeks. Should be compensated for elswhere so the parent without care is not disadvantaged.

sounds fine to me

Mobile phones
If child is not allowed to call parent without care, can the child be given mobile phone so they can text or phone when they feel they need to? What ages?

I think from age about 9 a child is capable of using a mobile phone & if the parent without care wishes to give them a mobile phone for contact then that is ok & should be respected by the other parent. The child can then call or text the missing parent whenever they wish. I allow this for mine even though I have had trouble with ex & now don't speak to him & even though he was drunk when here!

Letters
Should child be able to write to the parent without care, and should the child be able to receive letters without let or hindrance. Should the parent with care be able to intercept and read private letters for the child?

OF COURSE! & yes without hinderence!

Email
When should the child be able to receive and send emails to the parent without care? What privacy is allowable?

whenever they wish.

School open evenings
These can usually be split, so that parents can attend at different times or days?

of course.

Xmas nativity plays and concerts
usually more than one performance night, so parents can arrange with school to do different evenings - hard one as children need picking up by the parent with care?

yes of course

I think that you should be informed of all appointments re: children & all illness. It is your right to attend school stuff if you wish. Letters, emails, & calls should not be interfered with, you have done nothing wrong as a parent & are not a danger to them. your children should have a right to contact you whenever they wish.

I'll ask my 10 year old what he thinks, but not the five year old.

Any ideas? I know most of you will be the parent with care, however I'm still interested in your views.

Any other things I should consider?

What are your views on only counting holiday days as contact, where the parent in care weekdays do not count as contact? Seems to become a precedent somehow.

You only got today and tomorrow to be able to help me.

Thanks

sy

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:23pm
Pansy

sorry if my answers are not clear! started off in italics but lost the will to live when the page kept jumping as post was to long. so you will have to find my answers on there, they are not clear to find.

Pansy x

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:26pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Just my view point...

What is fair contact for the parent without care and the parent with care?

Telephone
only at certain times from parent without care? or anytime. What about from the child?
My lot could phone their father any time they wanted (just he never answered or returned their calls)
In view of Luke's issues, he may be able to cope better with a set time.

Christmas
Alternating each year? 1 week one parent one week the other?
Yep. One has Christmas and one has the New Year, alternating

Easter
Easter weekend bank holiday for the parent that is working, the school holiday days fro parent with care.
(thinking that a working parent is only likely to have 20-25 paid holiday a year.
I have major issues here, sorry. I think the vast of majority of the holidays should be given over to have the children. Easter is a two week holiday, one week with each parent.

Weekends
Alternating, or 2 out of three in favour of the parent without care to compensate for all the weekdays that the parent with care has.
Here again, no compensation applies. Getting children up and ready for school is a nighmare. Fair enough wanting 2 weekends out of three as the children need time with the "other" parent, but certainly not as compansation. I'm sure that would have smoke coming from ears of the parent with care - would with me as school is a flaming nightmare - getting them in bed, getting them up, showers, clothes... and don't even start me on homework

Birthdays
Alternating each year? What about time of work for the parent without care?
Personal view point - tough here. But I say that as most of my lot had their birthday when they were with their father. We just celebrated before or after. They didn't mind, as they love two celebrations.

Bank holidays
Alternating?
No. I think this is just the luck of the draw with which ever weekend the child is with the parent. With sharing of christmas and Easter holidays, they're most covered anyway. With May bank holidays, I found it worked out ok usually with them ending up being shared with the way contact fell

Illness
Duty to inform the other parent when a child falls ill?
I used to, and don't see why this can't be requested. No idea how it could be enforced though

Schooling
schoool plays and open evenings
I always bought tickets for their father and made sure I went to a different show. This year, for example, there are three chances to see the Christmas concert. I'm not buying him tickets now as he sorted this himself last year. Info to parents sent by email, and I'm assuming that after I informed him of this that he is keeping the school informed of his detaisl to receive mail.

Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long to be off work for parent working. Parent without care for 2 weeks?
Parent with care gets 4 weeks. Should be compensated for elswhere so the parent without care is not disadvantaged.
NO! Don't even mention the compensation thing. Yep, non-resident parent two weeks with the child. No interest, sorry in anyone being disadvantaged. Parent with care does not have a life of roses

Mobile phones
If child is not allowed to call parent without care, can the child be given mobile phone so they can text or phone when they feel they need to? What ages?
No idea. I was the one who provided mobiles for my two older children to keep in touch with their father. The idea was he could phone them, as I always top the phones up, but he never has.

Letters
Should child be able to write to the parent without care, and should the child be able to receive letters without let or hindrance. Should the parent with care be able to intercept and read private letters for the child?
I think the parent with care can - and should - read letters the child received. Parent with care needs to know what is going on, what is being discussed and what is being arranged

Email
When should the child be able to receive and send emails to the parent without care? What privacy is allowable?
I would not be happy to have private stuff going on between the children and the non-resident parent. I've seen how issues can affect the children, which is why I say this. Also I have had the "other" parent effecting the children with issues'

School open evenings
These can usually be split, so that parents can attend at different times or days?
The shcools my children attend would not split a parents evening. When ex was willing to be involved, we did the parents evening together. He's not been since he met his wife - three years now

Xmas nativity plays and concerts
usually more than one performance night, so parents can arrange with school to do different evenings - hard one as children need picking up by the parent with care?
I think I mentioned this above. It's inevitable that your paths are going to cross in things with the children. You just have to deal with it

I'll ask my 10 year old what he thinks, but not the five year old.

Any ideas? I know most of you will be the parent with care, however I'm still interested in your views.

Any other things I should consider?

What are your views on only counting holiday days as contact, where the parent in care weekdays do not count as contact? Seems to become a precedent somehow.

You only got today and tomorrow to be able to help me.

You need to view that ordinary time the child/ren is with the parent with care as their job. It is bloody hard work. I feel that your view point there needs to be modified as it could possbly be seen as undermining the role of the parent with care.

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:34pm
lindsaygii

Just a bit of personal experience to share regarding weekends and holidays. I used to know a family where mum lived in UK with child, and dad lived in America

to make it 'fair', dad had the son for the whole holidays.

It wasn't at all fair. Mum had all the hard work, dad had holidays and fun, and son (not surprisingly) came to think that mum was a strict, boring b***** who made him go to school and do all that shit stuff like get up, bath, homework, and dad was a great guy who always had fun.

'Fair' would be sharing the bad as well as the good, not just counting how many hours there are and dividing by two.

When I was a kid my dad had one weekend in three, plus a holiday a year. Only twice did I ever go to him for Christmas, and frankly, it was s***. The time we had was plenty for us to have a relationship until I was fifteen and took over running access myself so mum and dad didn't have to continue contact (too stressful for all of us).

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:46pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Sorry for the swearing, but typing that out has driven me BLOODY nuts!

I cant' remember if you have parental responsibility yet Sy, but when this is sorted, the school, in my opinion, should keep you informed of all that's going on.

I always give ex a copy of the school calendars, so he knows what is going on and when.

With the mobile phones, the children have always been able to phone their father when they wish, and he them. He knows the landline number and is in the phone memory and in the children's mobile's memory.

I know I come across aggressive with you view of compensating time the children aren't with you, and I'm not apologising for this. Children need to come first and if you have 28+ days leave then, if needed 20+ days can be given over to be with the children. I don't see why either parent should have a life, sorry... The parenting should be shared by both and things should be fair. But then you have to remember that I'm bitter and twisted :D 8-) ;) as my ex has never considered his children in things. Fair is not part of his vocabulary.

I still think you should be going for shared care or have the children live with your because of all that has gone on. I can't repeat myself enough on this.

My older two are 15 and 17 - I never check their emails or mobiles, but reserve the right to if I feel things are being planned. My son was 15 when I checked his mobile, and thank god I did, as major issues were going on at the time - and it was how I found out and how I was able to put things in place to help him.

As I said, these are just my view points, and are not written down to start a debate or to upset anyone.

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 2:51pm
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Hello sadsy

I will give you my suggestions as to what is reasonable, although there are no hard and fast rules and traditionally the courts would say that a standard “pattern of contact” would be alternate weekends plus one overnight midweek every week. Personally, I believe that both parents have a role to play in their childrens’ lives and it will benefit the children to have relationships with both, provided there are no dangerous issues such as violence or substance abuse.

If you live too far for the midweek parenting time then you need to think about when you would see them in between your alternate weekends. Would it be possible for you to have them for the day on Saturdays when it is not “your” weekend?

School holidays, the general rule appears to be two weeks in the summer and a week at Easter with half-terms split equally. Of course as you rightly point out this means if a parent has work commitments they have to be sure they can be available. Christmas and birthdays, these can be alternated (but of course a working parent needs the time off to do the birthday)

Education, both parents to receive reports and be able to attend parents’ evenings and school plays (on different nights if necessary)

Phone calls: a set night or nights to call each week (every day if you think you would like that). My personal opinion is that Luke is old enough to have his own mobile to be able to text you, and to be able to email but as with the whole of this post, that is my own view and not necessarily that of One Space.

The law in England does not specify an age where a child is mature enough to make decisions about things like this but in Scotland it is taken to be 12 and so many people in England think of it as 12. It is nice for the parent without majority care to be able to send postcards and letters to the children but I think it would be hard for a court order to enforce that child’s privacy. Also you ask about the other parent telling you that the child is ill. I guess you would have to define “ill”. Is it a cold or if they are hospitalised? Just playing devil’s advocate here.....

Another thing you could consider is the extended family: what arrangements will there be for the children to see your Mum? Are there are any other significant family members you want them to keep in touch with and will you consider that your responsibility to arrange that in your parenting time?

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 5:46pm
Pansy

Sy,
I think Louise has summed it all up really well there. That is a good thought Louise about the day out on one of the weekends which is not a contact weekend. I never thought of that & I was racking my brains for ideas too, just goes to show there is not much brains in there :lol: Louise(ex-gets confusing) may possibly be more agreeable to that :? or is that asking for a miracle!
maybe could be used as a compremise(Sy, where are you to help with my spelling!-is that right?) if the two out of three is turned down?

Pansy x

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 6:23pm
Claire-Louise

H Sadsy
I hope you can find some useful bits of advice here. I think this could be quite a hard topic to get some real consensus from as it is quite personal and what is right for your particular situation. I can see that is brings up some tough issues and emotions for people as it can bring back some not so nice memories for people and potentially unresolves issues. i think at the end of the day, you want to think what will work for you, your children and your ex.
good luck - may the force be with you!
C-L

Posted on: November 8, 2009 - 6:41pm
sadsy

Thank you all very much for your comments.
Am putting my proposal together today.

I had the children at the weekend and asked luke and arwen.

Arwen was happy with things as they are. Luke wanted more contact and didn't want his calls recorded and that Louise not move further away from me and that he could have more phone calls.

I won't be agreeing to anything at the directions hearing that doesn't satisfy his wishes. I am his dad.

I wonder whether Louise has bothered to ask him?

See what thin-lipped malice Louise brings with her at 2.30 tomorrow.

God bless my children and me.

sy

Posted on: November 9, 2009 - 2:01pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

'course she wouldn't have asked them. Sorry, but she makes me so flambarding mad Sy. She doesn't put them first!

Like you say, don't agree to anything that isn't putting the children first.

thinking of you so much.

Loads of hugs

xxxx

Posted on: November 9, 2009 - 2:09pm
sadsy

Hello,
this is what I have, as well as a calendar with pink and blue squares on.

Going to bed now. Will be leaving at 11am.
Sy

Quote:
10/11/09
This proposal to be valid from January 1, 2010, with a view to using East London Family Mediation to make future changes.

Wishes of the children
I have asked the children their wishes, each according to their age. The proposals listed here reflect the wishes of Luke most especially as he is ten years old and has more defined views than Arwen who is five.
Luke wishes for more contact with me as I do. I have to bear in mind that I am only likely to have 20-25 paid days holiday a year.
Distance
It is approximately 200 miles for each weekend visit. Luke doesn’t wish the travel distance to be any greater than it currently is by Louise moving even further away from me.
Telephone
Luke would like to be able to phone me when he needs to. This is additional me calling as I do currently 7.30-8.00pm each night. Costs can be zero by the use of skype and broadband type connections. Mobile calls to me are free from Louise’ mobile after 7.00pm for example.
Luke has specifically asked that the recording of calls be stopped now, as it is interfering with the quality of contact, he does not feel able to talk to me about matters which may upset Louise, such as smoking, hitting and punishments and his general care and wellbeing.
Luke will have a mobile phone to text and call me when he feels comfortable in having one.
The above telephone arrangements to apply to Arwen when she is ready.
Weekends
Two out of three weekends for the children to stay with me. It is Luke’s wish to be able to see me more.
The “2 out of 3” weekend schedule is the best option for this because of the distances involved and that I intend to be in work.
Birthdays - children and parents
Because of the distance involved no special arrangement to be made.
Bank holidays
To be added to the adjacent parent contact weekend.
Illness
Louise to inform the me if one of our children falls ill and requires a visit to the doctor or dentist or hospital or specialist.
Schooling
School plays and open evenings. Arrange separate viewings, some communication necessary to ensure separate viewings take place where possible.

Christmas
For 2009, I agree that Louise can have the children for the first half of the Christmas school break including Christmas day. I would collect them on Boxing Day morning for the remainder of the Christmas school holiday. Alternating each year for each parent.
Easter
Alternates each year for Easter Friday to Easter Monday. For 2010, I would have the children for this period (4 days).
Half-term
I would be able to take time off for the children to stay with me for one of the half-term weeks in the year.
Summer holidays
6 weeks is too long for me to take. Children have 2 weeks with me in the summer holiday. Louise has 4 weeks. Exact weeks to be decided via Dolores or Janet.
Non-pupil days
To be added to the adjacent weekend contact.
Travel
Should Louise become employed that she will undertake half the journeys required to ensure the children can travel from her chosen place of residence to their father.
Letters
Children to be able to write to the parent without care, and receive letters without interference.
Email
Luke and Arwen to have access to email to allow them to contact me.
Further communication
Currently Louise does not respond to any communication. I propose that practical contact matters be directed via text or by Dolores or Janet (grandmothers). It is unlikelty that legal aid funding will cover ongoing contact communications.

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 1:16am
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

That sounds excellent. Good luck today, sadsy, we will all be thinking of you :)

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 9:14am
sadsy

Hi,
if Louise digs in over 2 out of 3, then my last offer is 3 out of 5 weekends.

Also I must remember parental responsibility for Luke, as it is the other matter to be resolved.

Regards

simon

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 10:18am
Pansy

Looks ok Sy, are you leaving that bit in then? about the hitting, smoking etc? I'm a bit worried it may rub them up the wrong way, but on the other hand it is perfectly reasonable to mention I suppose. I don't actually know what to think?

Pansy xx

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 11:09am
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi Sadsy
Just want to wish you all the luck today. Will be thinking of you
Hugs
Take care
Alison
x :)

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 11:28am
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

That is excellent. I used to use a calander that was coloured, and found it did focus the view point onto things.

I'm so, so sorry I'm late - just got in.

Positive thoughts and loads and loads of hugs winging there way across the miles.

I have everything crossed.

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 1:15pm
Claire-Louise

Good luck today sadsy. keeping fingers crossed for you and your children.
C-L

Posted on: November 10, 2009 - 5:47pm
sadsy

hello all,
thank you again for all your comments.

My mum went with me, as my solicitor sent the wrong legal aid form off. Sigh. So I was on my own in all the proceedings.

The case had been moved to Romford, so we had 90 minute drive to get there. Wasn't sure what to take, apart from my proposal. Took birth certificates.

Romford Court was a shambles, as their administrative base had been moved away. We waited 70 minutes to be seen. They wouldn't let mum in sadly.

The caffcass meeting had three people. An observer, and two caffcass officers. It started amicably enough. Trouble started when I gave the current collection and pick up times. I travel 1 and ahlf hours and collect at 10.30 to 11. This was apparently not good enough, it either had to be 10.30 or 11 am, not a range. I said that was rather hard to achieve with the traffic on such a long journey. I explained that if I am late I text to let Louise know. This was also not good enough apparently. I mentioned that I never get a reply.

I explained that Luke's wish was that he have more contact with me. I said I was not interested in what was "standard", or in an "off the shelf" solution. Not nice caffcass lady said we don't give children what they want and adults decide. I said I listened to Luke, I am an adult and I decide. Nice caffcass lady was silent. I suggested 2 out of 3 weekends for Luke to see me. It was was greeted with a scarcastic "how is that going to work!" I said "it's very simple, Louise has Luke for 1 weekend, then I have Luke for next two weekends. It's not complicated".

I had more problems with not nice caffcass lady, where she was very antagonistic and had her head on one side, which I questioned her about. Then when I mentioned it was likely when I was working that I would only have only 20-23 paid holiday days a year she said that wasn't child focused, I replied it was "practical" to which she had no answer but just shook her head. She said "you just don't get it do you". I asked her to explain her point another way and she refused as she said she already had. I recommended she go for more training and that her conduct was unprofessional and took her name. When I made it clear I was going to complain she said "what evidence do you have?". Neither officer wanted to look at my contact proposal, I had to insist.

It was 15-20 mins.

Was nearly in tears when I came out. I was hoping to have a positive meeting and not expecting such an aggressive response. Not in keeping with the caffcass guidance notes on shared care that I got from government internet.

Then Louise went in.

Then we went before magistrate. Louise rejected my proposal. I rejected the current contact arrangement, as I promised myself I would fight for more contact for Luke, as it was what he wanted. I said I had suggested "2 out of 3" weekend solution, and the magistrate looked at me quizzically and stumbled over repeating the sequence. I said yes that is it, it's not complicated though may be unusual. I told the magistrate I was not interested in the "standard" solution. She was adamant that was not the case, and that each case was individual, but then went on to mention contact was currently more than "usual" which is something of a contradiction. I told the hearing that Luke wanted more contact and that I would do whatever possible to get him that. I had to remind the magistrate I was unrepresented and needed guidance on when i would have opportunity to speak. Then she seemed to realise that she had a duty to ensure I was not "unfairly disadvantaged".

There will be a full hearing in February for a whole day. Louise solicitor said there will be a lot of time needed for cross-examination. Which means hell for me I guess.

They were all ready to get up and leave when I asked about the parental responsibility order. Magistrate asked if this was OK with Louise and she refused! Even though I'm on the birth certificate. I did laugh at that moment in court, sorry. Or maybe I am not the father after all? Or was it more of Louise' malice? I don't care if I'm not the father, I still love Luke and will care for him.

My phone contact was reduced to 10 mins each night. Apparently it is "usual" for the parent to only get a call on Wednesdays. Sorry, I just think that's sick.

I said goodbye to Louise's solicitor to show I was unafraid and collected mum from the waiting area.

We went to asda as i had no food and sat in traffic forever to get home.

Got home, and made call to children, Arwen not want to talk and was distracted, Luke was very unhappy and would not tell me why.

Then went to counsellor, went to petrol station and bought cereal. then phoned GF who was having bad day. Then my mum told me my dad in Canada has prostate cancer. So I need to get his number and call him. She didn't tell me earlier because of the case.

Now I am awake, can't sleep. All the things I could have said but didn't etc.

I did stand my ground, and rejected standard "sausage factory" processing of the case. The magistrate was very familiar with the solicitor for Louise and I'm not sure whether to object to the magistrate choice on that basis?

My solicitor did not reply to my "wish me luck" email. She is so useless. My worry is whether I will get funding for the full day's hearing.
I'll check in a couple of days.

My counsellor has advised I need to take a day or two gently.

Louise said not one word.

It is very unlikely that Luke will get any further contact from the full day's hearing, but I have to try for Luke's sake.

There's more, but I don't remember it as I had to think on my feet quite a bit.

weary sy.

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 7:43am
Bubblegum
DoppleMe

Hi,

Reading your post makes me angry.

Take care and stay positive.

:)

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 9:00am
hazeleyes
DoppleMe

Hi sadsy
I am sooooo not familiar with any of this, cafcass etc, but my heart really goes out to you in all of this. You sound so upset (and I'm not surprised). Keep fighting for what you want though, then you'll know that you never gave up. Luke will also know that too. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too. Stay strong sadsy, I'm thinking of you.
Take care
Alison
x :)

.

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 9:11am
Louise
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

What a truly dreadful day for you sadsy, it was even worse than any of us had anticipated. It sounds as if you were banging your head aginst a brick wall. You're right, you do have do all you can, for Luke's sake. I am sorry to hear that ytour solicitor has let you down, you might need to use someone else for the full day. It is also sad to hear the news about your dad. Did your Mum indicate to you how serious it is? (prostate cancer very variable in prognosis)

That sounds like good advice from your counsellor, one day at a time. There certainly seems to ba an anomaly there where you are told that there is no "standard" order then told that you are asking for more than is "usual" and that phone calls are "usually" only once a week. Maybe they mean that the parent without day to day care does not ask for much?

Sending you lots of strength, sadsy, take care

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 10:32am
Pansy

Simon,
you done everything you could AND you done it well!

I am very angry at how you were treated & what Louise seems to be getting away with just because she is the 'Mother' :evil:

The children will alaways know you tried & always know how much you care because you will never give up on them. You are a wonderful Dad, who always does the right things for them. You have done NOTHING wrong & they WILL know this when older & you will be very close to them & special to them.

Lots of love x

Pansy

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 10:56am
sadsy

very weary today.

have terrible headache.

sy

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 12:39pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Words fail me Sy. They really do.

Absolute disgrace with the Cafcass officers.

Posted on: November 11, 2009 - 1:29pm
sadsy

Hey people what do you reckon on this?

Quote:
12 Nov 2009

Re: Application for change in magistrate

Dear Sir/Madame,
please contact me and explain the procedure for changing a magistrate in a forthcoming hearing.

I attended a Directions hearing unrepresented on Tuesday of this week.

I had to remind the magistrate that I was unrepresented, even though it states this clearly in the court application and that I would need guidance on proceedings and opportunities to speak.

I did not get the opportunity to reply to any accusations, or to present my full mediation proposal.

The magistrate rejected the notion of “standard” solutions in these cases and then went on to comment that an element of existing contact was “normal” or “usual” which is contradictory.

Only one of the two applications I put in for were considered automatically and I did not get the impression the applications had been read at any stage by the magistrate.

Everyone was preparing to leave when I had to remind the magistrate to deal with the second matter of parental responsibility order. Many shorthand legal terms were used by the magistrate and opposing council and no effort was made to make the legal dialogue accessible to an ordinary father.

I feel I was unfairly disadvantaged during the hearing and that the Magistrate needed reminding of basic job responsibilities that should have not been necessary.

The magistrate has self appointed herself in the next hearing and I am concerned that I will further be disadvantaged due to their appointment.

I would ask that this letter be handled confidentially as to not further prejudice the next hearing.

Your faithfully

Sy

I love this letter.

hug for myself

sy

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 2:02pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

it is excellent.

Hug from me too.

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 2:54pm
Pansy

Yes I like it! :D

Pansy x

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 8:20pm
sadsy

Oh my,
I have been strongly advised by divorce aid "not to do this!"

So I have not sent it.

Sy

Posted on: November 12, 2009 - 11:36pm
sparklinglime
DoppleMe

Oh!

Heck, it's a bit much if you're unable to state that you were unfairly treated, but yes, you're wise to listen.

It's still an excellent letter though, which I'm sure could possibly, maybe perhaps, be sent at a later date.

More hugs....

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 12:35am
Anna
Parenting specialist DoppleMe

Goodness me sadsy, you really have been through the mill, it sounds like you have been doing SO much and really focussing on trying to get the best for your children and you have been let down time and time again.

I agree with the counsellor, take the next few days gently and perhaps treat yourself, you could do with a break from all of this, just for a while, a good film or book?

Have you seen this? http://www.fnf.org.uk/publications-and-policy/shared-parenting-shared-benefits It might be of some help for your case? But only look at it after you have had a couple of days 'off'.

What are you up to this weekend??

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 12:59pm
sadsy

Hello Anna,
I tried to give the caffcass guidelines to the antagonistic officer but she wouldn't look.
I've included them with my complaint. It was a wasted mediation. Very poorly conducted.

I've met professional mediators before, Phyliss was nothing like any of these. I recommended training to her. lol

I am having fun recording calls to the mortgage company. Nice to turn the tables on them. I always get a better service when I say "this call is being recorded for quality and training purposes" haha. After a stunned silence of course.

I don't think anyone has ever stood up to her before. But then I'm not a usual person.

sy

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 1:57pm
Claire-Louise

Hi Sadsy
Wow there seems to be such a lot to catch up on this site as I have not been on for a couple of days. Sorry your cafcass meeting did not go the way you hoped or even expected it might. It sounds like a horrible ordeal and you really didn't seem to have been supported through the system in anyway. It seems like you are able to remain positive and strong throughout though which is amazing - and to still have a sense of humour as well!
Hope you have a nice weekend and are able to take it easy for a couple of days as advised.
C-L

Posted on: November 13, 2009 - 3:34pm