I left my ex 5 years ago, and my youngest was 5 at the time. Ex mucked about with contact, so now it's a 24 hour notice thing.
If he was to let you know the day before, would that be easier for you? With him giving your notice (you can say no if you're busy) he might feel that he has enough control there to try it...
With your baby so young, if somehow something can't be sorted now, he'll control your life for the next almost 18 years. :shock:
My ex was furious with the notice he had (posted, he will not speak to me) but as he sees so little of the children, I think it's worked well for him...
Do you have family close by who can help you here? Or a really good friend? Someone who could be there with him and you son, so you don't see him. Even contact in a contact centre - so you can leave the room - would get you away from him running you down.
As he's not bought anything for his son, I can only see this as his way of controlling you. As for maintenance - its for your son...
Sending loads of hugs and strength your way. Your baby is so young, so be kind to you here. You must be rushed off your feet with the three children never mind him trying to trip you up!
Dear Lillybet
I am so glad you have found us. Sparklinglime has given some really clear support and information. You have mentioned a lot of things in your post and I feel you have a lot of different matters that need to be addressed
As you have already stated yourself - he IS playing games, he is being emotionally abusive and the difficult thing about this type of abuse is that it is really hard to distinguish or recognise when you are on the receiving end. What makes it clear to me that this is going on is that you share how badly he is treating you then you express that "you feel like a real wuss" and later you mention "Love" word. You sound deeply confused.
You have done the single parent thing for 4 years before now, can you draw on your strength that you gained from that? Regular and consistent contact is important not only for you but for your son as well. If that can’t be kept, then you are well within your rights to withhold contact until he takes you to Court. This is NOT being vindictive, it is creating a safe and dependable world for your children. He might not like it, but you are holding the baby and it is ultimately your decision.
It is entirely your choice whether you go for maintenance, many single parents choose not to as they don’t want their ex to have any further hold on them.
I think he would really be upset if he has to pay money to me
:oops:
That’s just tough on him, children don’t come free. Its not pocket money for you, he would be paying for his son's upkeep, providing for his offspring.
I know he is bad for me but as a father only time will tell
For many years I felt like you do now, until I did the Freedom Programme, I truly believed that my ex would be a good dad. Until I realised that he can’t be a good father/man/person if he can treat me like he did, not only as a woman, but as the mother of his child. – Impossible. That was a great revelation to me and released me from a lot of guilt.
The Freedom Programme is an excellent programme for survivors of domestic abuse, this might sound a bit extreme to you right now, but I am sure that you would gain a lot from it, visit http://www.freedomprogramme.org.uk to see if there is one in your area. Remember domestic abuse is not just physical.
From reading your post I get the feeling that your ex is far more interested in controlling you, rather than being a father for his son, fatherhood starts at birth, not when a man decides he wants to play daddy. :oops:
Sorry I have so much I want to say to you, its really difficult to do it all on a board! Please stay in touch and keep sharing. :)
Hello Lillibet
I agree with what the others have said and have a couple of additional comments. Firstly, if you are on Income Support, you can arrange for any child support to be paid to Income Support and you still have the guarantee of the money whether he pays them or not. That would remove the element of control he seems to seek. You sound very nervous of this man, not wanting to upset him etc. He is responsible for this child's upkeep :x
He gains an advantage over you by using the element of surprise. I would suggest you consider writing him a letter (politely!) and state that it is not helpful for either you or your son for him to have inconsistent contact. Say that you need a minimum of 48 hours notice of any contact and that if he turns up uninvited then he cannot expect parenting time at the drop of a hat and that if he calls unexpectedly then you will regard it as harrassment and will have no alternative but to call the police. State that you are not prepared for your son to hear him being abusive to you. Suggest you use a local Contact Centre for the drop-off/pick up, by all means. Say that if you cannot agree a mutually convenient pattern of parenting time then you will not facilitate contact.
It will be really hartd to go through with this, especially if he is confusing your feelings with talk of love etc so you need to think about using the Broken Record Technique, as taught on assertive courses. This is where you think of one phrase which you just repeat. In your case the phrase might be "It is not convenient at the moment, I need 48 hours notice of contact". Whether he says "why?" or "that's ridiculous" or "you're just being vindictive" or WHATEVER, you just repeat the phrase again, don't become angry, just repeat the phrase in answer to anything he says. It may be helpful to "role play" this with someone to boost your confidence?
Hope you find the information on the Freedom programme helpful
Louise :)
Hey Lillybet
It sounds as if you are feeling a little stronger. Great idea about going to the solicitors, good luck with that. It is important that you get as much support as you can at this time as from what you have said, I get the feeling that he is not going to play ball all that easily.
Keep in touch and let us know how it goes with the solicitors. :)
Good luck. I hope the Solicitor can help to get things sorted for you.
I'm sure he will react badly to the letter, but then it is a starting point. I hope he does take notice. I'm glad its helped you feel better - sorry it was so expensive though. It was £180 and hour when I withdrew Sunday contact from ex 3 years ago now.
Ex bawled his eyes out with my children when he had the 24 hour notice thing (brother-in-law wrote that out) - yet he could have chosen to see them loads more... His now wife was comforting him though :lol: so I'm sure it had the desired effect.
Good luck with the Freedom Programme.
Hi Lillybet
I really hope that he takes note that you are not to be messed around and that his tactics aren't going to work on you anymore, when he receives the letter from Solicitors. Be prepared for some sort of back lash though, I am sure that you will be.
Great news that you looked at the Freedom Programme, it is such an enlightening course. Let me know if there is one in your area. Usually it is a rolling programme meaning that you don't have to wait to for the course to restart at the beginning, you can start as and when you wish.
Do you have plans for the weekend?
Hi
So glad you've made your way to the board. There's brilliant people here.
Firstly, I think you're being far to hard on yourself. You certainly don't have to put up with the father making you feel so bad about things.
In theory, he doesn't matter in all of this. You do, as you're the parent with care. You are making your son available for contact with his father, with is brilliant.
I think you need to decide how this can be done in a way that works for you.
I feel your older two children are too young to realise that this man is their brother's dad, although when they do ask, I think you need to answer them with as much information as they need, but being truthful with them. I was truthful with my lot when I answered their questions, and if there were questions I wasn't prepared to answer, I've told them I'll tell them when they're 25!
Perhaps things would be easier if you arranged some set contact time with him, and tell him that your son won't be availabe at any other time. I'm not sure how hold the baby is - sorry if I've missed that - but contact will need to be worked around feeds.
Does he pay maintenance? Although it is a separate issue to contact, he does need to be responsible financially too.
By introducing boundaries, it will help take some of the control back. He might not like it at first, but by you being strong, he will get used to it. If he fails to turn up then that's his loss. Don't change the time (unless he has good reason for not coming...) As the baby gets older, contact time can be increased if he shows he's a reliable father. This could be done through mediaiton.
If he refuses to come to an arrangement, then withdraw contact and let him take you to Court for access. That way the times will be stated when your son needs to be available for contact - you still can't make the father stick to it though... Maybe someone - family or friend - can take your son to his father, so that you do avoid him.
Keep a diary especially for him, so that you can keep a record of all communication (if you can download text messages, do, and if you keep emails, that would be handy). Make a note of all his behaviour and attitude too. A few years down the line, when you read back over it, it can be quite scary when you realise how bad things were.
I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem that he's been very nice to you, so I don't really see that you owe him any loyalty.
All of these are just some ideas.
Be strong. You and the children matter here. When he starts to be reasonable, then he'll matter too.
I hope I've not upset you with any of this, I haven't meant to!
Best wishes