Well... The Git wasn't a Git when I married him. :D He was all I wanted in life. However, in hindsight, I think he wanted to be able to tell people he was married, and of course later, married with children. I think my idea of how married couples are was different to his.
I reckon the first two years were good, although if his brother was home from the RAF (he's since died), then The Git would just go off... No goodbye and no would you like to come along. It was after two years he changed badminton club (badminton was what brought us together and was our social life) to partner another woman....
Really, at this point we should have split up. I was naive enough to thing 'well he's coming home to me', when really that's not enough. My parents could see issues, I was stupid enough to deny there were issues - even though I knew there were, if you get my drift...
It takes two people to want to be together. One wanting to be together is not enough.
I don't blame him for not wanting to be with me. It's just sad that we didn't realise this after those first couple of years instead of waiting 20. I really don't see either at fault for that.
I call him The Git because of the control he had over me - mental abuse, it would seem although I don't believe it was done intentionally - and mainly due to his behaviour towards our children.
He has told people awful things about me and how I treated him. So who's to say that it wasn't my fault? It probably was mine. Working 70 hours a week and sorting out four children and keeping our home, I think he must have felt quite deprived 8-) :roll: :shock:
What a great idea for a thread, thanks Michael!
Lots of different aspects spring to mind. It is hateful to think of an ex partner lying about us, as mousie said and we have said before on these boards that if a partner leaves, they can often make the other partner out to be Mr or Mrs Nasty to justify their actions and not to accept responsibility. The other thing that Michael mentioned is "why did we get together with them, then?" That can be turned on its head as well and we could ask "if I was that bad then why did he/she get together with ME?" The fact is that people change their opinions (genuinely) and people change their stories (to suit themselves). That book I am always mentioning, "Are you the One for Me?" explores why we choose the partners we choose (and then we can figure out why they chose US!)
Hi Michael
I was with an ex partner for 7 years. In that time, he cheated endless times, and used me as a punch bag. Did I perhaps say the wrong word and deserve the kicks, punches etc? Did I deserve to be cheated on, when all i ever did was to love and forgive him.
Maybe it was my fault, because I kept thinking I could change him.
After years apart, and years of him cheating on other women, he contacted me. He has had an awful last couple of years, (which I wouldn't wish on anyone). He tried to start a relationship with me again, but I'm a much stronger, independant person, and he didn't like seeing that. He knows that he wouldn't be the number 1 in my life. My (nearly) 7 year old is that. (By the way he isn't the father).
When I asked him why he did all those things to me, he simply said he did it because he could. Like a lot of people, I allowed it because i loved him.
Alison
x
Hi Mousie
I was lucky, our wedding was booked, but I pulled out six weeks beforehand. He sobbed and sobbed, saying he would change, but I had got to the point where I just didn't believe him. I will tell you a funny story, though obviously not funny at the time. I had started a new job, which he knew about. The very first morning, I was chatting with the two other women, and got to talking about our partners. One of the women was telling me about her man, and I realised we were seeing the same bloke!!!! I kept quite calm, and asked how long she had been seeing him, and she said 3 months. I had been with him for 3 yrs at the time. Lunchtime came, and out the door I went, never to go back. The swine when questioned said he couldn't tell me because I was so eager to start the job, and he didn't want to spoil it for me!!!! (Obviously didn't take into account that I would be totally devastated and humiliated). Love is a wierd thing though eh, cos I stuck with him for years after. I think self-esteem hits rock bottom. Even now, I don't have a lot of confidence, and put myself down a lot. I have only had two proper relationships since him. I've lost trust in men, (I know not all are the same). I just seem to pick the wronguns. Perhaps it is me!!!!!
All the best Mousie
Alison
x
Hi mousie and alisoncam
Strange that you both seem to have such similar experiences. Also, I was thinking about that statement they both made: "because I could". I guess that is part of the nature of abuse, that the victim of it becomes so lacking in self confidence that they find it difficult to call a halt. Sparkling Lime, you have also been on the receiving end of abuse in a different way. There is always the belief that the person will change as well.
Yet another book springs to mind (BOING!), called "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood. She argues that for many people love equals pain. Does anyone agree with this?
Hi Louise
I do believe that love equals pain. All kinds of love causes pain. Loving someone, then finding out they have betrayed you = pain, loving someone and losing them through death = pain. Is there anyway that you can have love in your life and not experience pain?
Take care
Alison
xx
Thanks alisoncam for sharing your view. It's certainly an interesting question and a moot point as to whether we are prepared to "pay the price" for love. I hadn't thought of the bereavement angle, so thanks for pointing that out, it gives another take on it as well :)
I think we do appreciate that. However, when you are going through something so awful, I don't think you can see things objectively. I'm sorry if this comes across as being unfair.
The 'thing' that needs to be addrressed is the crisis that you're experiencing at the time.
My ex chose a new life. I accept that and I don't object to him finding what he wanted out of life. I understand totally that it does take two wanting to make a relationship work for it to succeed - one half won't sort it...
There's a way that things can be done without being vindictive. And whether I've heard the other side of the tale or not with the posters here, I think I can almost feel the terror, anger and despair they're going through. If both played fair in a split there would be no need for boards like this. It's a place where people can come and yell, cry and laugh - and possibly not be doubted.
I don't expect anyone to believe anything I've posted. I know I've no reason to lie. I've lived it and wouldn't want to re-live any part of it again. Today is enough for me.
You can also see them start to heal too, when objectivity will return.
I believe them without the need to hear the other side, but accept that there is always two sides to a story.
Hi there, I just wanted to add my bit.
I think what you are saying Michael is that we should be objective as we never know the whole story. I agree with this when I think of all the slating my ex has probably done and still does over what a terrible mum I am not allowing access, or making it difficult for him to see his daughter, that I moved away from the area that we lived, that I don't visit his parents, that I send my child to a school that he doesn't agree with etc etc. If I met him now and listened to him, I would think that I was a right cow. And I wish that when he tells people this they stop and wonder what my story is.
HOWEVER, if you hear my story it all makes complete sense as to why I did and do all those things, but I have friends and family who also want to know, why he behaved as he did and what did I do, to make him so aggressive and violent.
Its a catch 22 situation and I think women have failed to see the warning signs when they meet someone who says their ex is a cow, or he doesn't see his children, etc etc, they support the man only to find years down the line, he is repeating the same lines to another woman, but describing them. (It is probably the same with men too).
So what I am trying to say is that we tend to support the person who we recognise ourselves in more. As already said, there are always two sides to a story and we are all very different people and what I think is wrong doesnt necessarily mean that a colleague, friend, member of family or partner would think wrong. So we listen and befriend the people that we can relate to.
Sparklinglime, myself as an outsider in everyones personal circumstances online here, I believe everything that is said, otherwise I do not think we could support each other as we do. But I am in agreement as long as we can hold our hand on our heart and know that we have been completely honest with ourselves and others, we should have no qualms.
OOh, that went on a bit, obviously this is quite a touchy subject. As single parents, we probably have questioned ourselves and our partners and awful lot over the time of the break up and the years to come when explaining things to our children.
What does everyone else think?
Hello Anna
Totally agree with what you say. The 'sperm doner' fed me a lot of lies about his previous partner, saying once she got pregnant she took the baby and he had no idea where she was. Of course I questioned him, asking had he done enough to trace them? Did he buy and put away cards and presents? I told him that one day, his daughter would most likely want to find him, and at least he could say he had done everything he could.
When I became pregnant, (we weren't together at the time). I did the decent thing and told him. Did he want to know? Not on your nellie.
After finally tracking down my son't half sister, and speaking to her mum, I now know that he was a complete liar, but I fell for the sob story. Wonder what he tells people about me? To be honest, I really don't care, because I know the truth, and I can live with that.
Michael, you have opened a can of worms here, (only joking of course)
Its a catch 22 situation and I think women have failed to see the warning signs when they meet someone who says their ex is a cow, or he doesn't see his children, etc etc, they support the man only to find years down the line, he is repeating the same lines to another woman, but describing them. (It is probably the same with men too).
Take care all
Alison
x
My wife is a violent manipulative disturbed person, dangerous to her self and those around her. She gets what she wants by either being very nice or failing that there are various levels of nasty up until attacking you with what ever is at hand. She is very clever and knows just how to get her way as that is how she had to survive from a very early age.
I don't have to deal with that any more.
If you were to ask my wife she would tell a completely different story to the one I tell and frequently does, every time we were moved to a different contact service I would be faced with a group of women (they were all run by women) who thought I was a nasty manipulative b****rd who had stolen her children.
Luckily for me my CAFCASS worker was very good having previously been a drug councillor of some sort she saw my wife and our situation for what it was and judged that the children would be safer with me and having limited supervised contact with their mother.
But I agree there are always two sides to any story, just the people involved can't really be expected to see it as clearly as outside observers. : )
This is an open comment and written without malice or spite.
The thing about having discussions like this in writing, is that people can't see the spirit in which it's meant. So it's easy for them to take offence.
But I think the best thing to do is to say what I think, then hopefully we can still be friends.
I think that the point of my original topic has been largely misunderstood. It seems to have been used as yet another vehicle to insult ex's and go through yet again all the things that are felt they have done wrong.
The merit of what has been said about a situation can only known be by the people involved, therfore an outsider must retain a degree of objectivity.
Michael.
I don't think anyone has seen your post as being written with malice or spite.
I don't think you need to be offended by the responses either. And I doubt anyone here would dream of falling out with anyone over it. Can't beat a good thread!
However, it needs to be accepted, in my view, that people are hurting, and I'm not surprised by the responses. I see facts over what has happened to them. Not necessarily another vehicle to insulting ex's. When you're left with a lot of issues to deal with, anger is difficult to hide.
I do see where your coming from...
Absolutely!
I don't take offence and worry incase I offend, as I don't mean to :D
Hi Michael
We're all in "the gang" together!! I said what a fab thread it was because it is such a huge topic with so many sides to it and I doubt anyone will have been offended :D , we like a good old discussion here. Bubblegum made some really good points when he detailed what he said about his children's mother and what he thought she may say about him.....
Take care
Yes I understand that, Michael. I think one of the reasons the rant room was started was so people could get things off their chests.
I think your thread is a philosphical and objective one and people affected by the raw emotion of their separation are feeling it so much that it is hard to step outside of that. On this board, we are all at different stages in our journeys and so each of us will "come at" a topic from a different place. I am sorry to hear you are disappointed with the outcome of your topic but I am still very glad that you started the thread, as i said before :D
Hi Michael, I think it is an interesting angle you are coming from and it is food for thought. As Louise just said, I guess there are people who are still hurting and questioning why their ex's behave the way they do.
I think the majority of people would like to have had a friendly relationship with the other parent of their children and probably presumed that that would be the way it was, but unfortunately there are still ongoing issues for many people.
It does take two to tango (as they say). I deliver a domestic violence programme for women and I think the most important part of the course is when we look at what 'our' beliefs are and more often than not, we find that we believe the same as the abuser. That a man should wear the trousers, that society says that women are the underdog etc etc and it is only by challenging those beliefs can women move on. They can see the part they played by staying in the abusive relationship.
I also wanted to say to bubblegum (in a very unpatronising way!), thanks for sharing. There are always 2 sides to a story, but sometimes for your own protection, you need to only see your own.
As sparklinglime said earlier, we are all friends here so I doubt any offence has been taken! It has been good to get peoples heckles up, it has created a lively topic! :)
Far better to let things out on here. I think we're all pretty positive about the 'other' parent when it comes to our children - which I think is the main issue.
I think when you have time to read through the threads you can see some that do point out good things that can be done by the non-resident parent - so there is balance there too.
As for the thread being a disappointment... :? You're not going to get a site for lone-parents having both parents putting their view points forward. I find it surprising that your disappointed... :D
Good point and I am very aware when I speak to friends of both of ours that he must be saying something completely different and it is horrible to think that they may not believe what I say cos at the end of the day they can't believe us both. It is something that I am struggling with massively at the moment. I don't lie, never have, just the way I was bought up I guess, and it angers me to know somebody else caan lie about me and there is nothing I can do about it, people say well its up to them what they think and if they don't believe you then they're not worth having as friends but how does that work when they are friends of both of yours!
As for why did I marry him its simple because I loved him and believed him when he said he had changed because I wanted it to be true so much :(