I recently ran a parenting group that went really well, the parents all gained a lot of information that was presented, but they felt that they learned the most from hearing about how each other had overcome issues with their children.
There are no absolute rules about how to raise a child, it all comes from experience and I thought this would be a really good way for us to share difficulties we have overcome.
A concern for one parent was that her 6 year old son never did as he was told. She would tell him over and over again to go tidy his room, but when she went upstairs she would find him on the floor playing with his Lego, his room still a complete tip. She thought that if his father were there he would do as he was told and that he just didn’t want to listen to her.
However, we talked about using clear instructions; if we say to our child “I want you to put your toys in the box and your books on the shelf and your shoes by the door” then they know exactly what is expected of them. It was also discussed that to give them a head start we could do it with them once or twice talking them through it.
The parent tried this and came back the next week saying that it worked! She only had to do it with him once and he was happily doing it himself after that before he went to bed.
The following week she came in saying he had stopped tidying up again, this was when one of the other parents in the group asked if she had praised him when he did do it. The answer was ‘No’.
Praise or acknowledgement is so important to a child when they do something that we have asked of them, although it doesn’t always seem like it, they want to please us, so by giving them a good feeling about their actions they will hopefully repeat the good behaviour again.
Sure enough the next week the parents’ 6 year old son was now doing as asked, he had clear instructions and was made to feel good about it.
Please join this topic and share your experiences of how you overcame a problem, so other lone parents can learn from you. Homemade solutions are often the best!
I think many of us can sympathise with you Rosedragon, it seems to be a common theme tidy bedrooms, schooltime and bedtime! I read a funny saying the other day:
No-one knows the art of conversation better than a child at bedtime! - How true!
Have you tried clear instructions as suggested above? Be really clear about what you want done, step by step, don’t overload them with instructions, just 2 or 3 things. Then suggest that you do something together when it’s done, not forgetting to praise them for doing what you have asked. It really does work.
If you meet with resistance in the first place, ignore it, just repeat calmly what you want them to do. Then you go and do something else, when they come to talk or ask you for something repeat again what you expect of them and tell them you will not respond to their wishes until they have done as you have asked.
We don’t want to waste our energy getting cross with them; we want them to learn self discipline and only we can model that.
It is your choice whether you let them get away with it.
Another option is a star chart, some people say that this is bribery, but if your children are young then they just enjoy seeing the stickers add up and that they are being good. For older children, you can tell them that if they keep their room reasonable for x amount of time you can arrange some sort of reward. You can use this for everything that you want them to do.
Let us know how you get on, and we can discuss further. You will find something that works that works for you, just keep consistent.
Good luck! :)
Hi Clare, Fi and wiseowl
When children are older, there are so many random things that they need in their life, like eyeliner in Fi’s daughters life and music in wiseowl's! So as parents it is far better to be giving them money for their contribution to the household rather than just handing it over. Nothing in this life comes for free ;)
But younger children don’t necessarily understand the concept of money and often they want to help out just to make mummy happy and for their own feel good factor. Often a sticker and Mummy’s smile is enough. It is important for us to encourage this behaviour, doing things to make themselves and others happy, with no financial gain. Just a warm fuzzy feeling! :)
Clarebear you say that you have tried everything with your daughter and now you just take it as it comes. I completely understand your thinking, but I really want to impress on you to have one strategy and be consistent, whether she is having a good day or a bad day. Then your daughter will know where she stands and that you are always the one in control. Our little darlings seem to sense when we are having a difficult day and they can wrap us around their little finger if we are not always on the ball and concentrating!
As adults we need to put boundaries and rules in place for our children, this is the only way that we can ensure that they will grow and develop into adults with a sense of self discipline.
So, one strategy is always give clear instructions, keep them short and simple, get your child to repeat them back to you so you know they have fully understood what you want them to do. As soon as they do it acknowledge and praise them, this encourages repeat behaviour.
If they don't do as you have asked, just keep repeating your instructions, don't let them wangle you into any other form of conversation or compromise until job is done, then thoroughly reward them with your praise and positive attention.
Good luck and let us know how this works for you.
yes pixiponk, this parenting lark is certainly a challenge, I won't even BEGIN to discuss the teenager thing :shock:
One suggestion I have re much younger children is to make sure your face matches your words. I remember when my boys were little, the naughty things they did could be soooo cute and whilst I said "no" I was perhaps smiling a bit. My absolute godsend during those years was Penelope Leach's "Baby and Child" (got it out the library every 3 months or so) and she suggests matching your expression to your words and doing a frowny face when you say "no". It did work for me, but I have a few wrinkles these days ! :lol:
Louise
Hi Blusey
So your daughter is 6 going on 16?! That's a tall order for you and I am glad that you have some positive experiences to reinforce your parenting confidence as you forge ahead. it's great that you recognise that you have similar personalities in some ways; as she gets older you can even discuss this with her. it comes a quite a revelation to most children that their parents are "people" too!!!
The thing about her going to bed (or not going to bed ;) ) just goes to show that although we can recommend different courses of action, every child is different. Just think how you have had to parent your two children differently already, I know I certainly have done! One thing I would say is that sometimes parents get worried about whether their child is in bed and asleep whereas the main aim is to get them in their room, relaxing and quiet......ish. So, well done you!
Take care
Louise :)
Here here Louise, every child IS SO different. If anyone else is having problems with getting their little angels to bed, go to http://interactive.onespace.org.uk/parent/index.php?archived=yes&entry=0&page=1, see how other parents deal with it and get some ideas! ;)
Mine are a nightmare to get to bed...
They're 17, 15, 13 (who does have special needs, and doesn't need much sleep - aghhhh!) and 10 :lol:
And as for brushing teeth... 8-)
Now if I was a cheesy throwback, sparkling lime, I could recommend a quick chorus of Max Bygraves "I''m a pink toothbrush...." etc :roll:
However, as a mum I would say 'tis the curse of the parent of a teen. They DO, however, seem to take notice of the dentist, if you can find one on the NHS. If anyone can't, in their area :( , I do recommend putting your names on the Primary Care Trust waiting list and you will be notified of the next NHS dental places in your area..might take a while but look in your local phone directory to find the number. It took over a year for us to get an NHS dentist here in Yorkshire. My Mum lives in Hull and there just AREN'T any NHS dental places; she has ended up being on a very long list at the dental hospital. She is 77!
Bottom line is that as parents we face innumerable challenges. We can help and support each other and "get through" but every child is an individual
Take care all
Louise :)
Hi sparklinglime
As our children get older we have to use different parenting techniques to get them to do what we want!! We want to create an environment to enhance positive, responsible behaviour in an atmosphere of mutual respect and responsibility.
We need them to learn that ‘adulthood equals responsibility’.
One way of doing this is create a family contract, this can enhance co-operation and strengthen the parent/child relationship. I am going to write a short article on Family Contracts, which will be posted to the site shortly. I will let you know when it is completed via this thread.
Keep strong! :)
Now if I was a cheesy throwback, sparkling lime, I could recommend a quick chorus of Max Bygraves "I''m a pink toothbrush...." etc :roll:
However, as a mum I would say 'tis the curse of the parent of a teen. They DO, however, seem to take notice of the dentist, if you can find one on the NHS. If anyone can't, in their area :( , I do recommend putting your names on the Primary Care Trust waiting list and you will be notified of the next NHS dental places in your area..might take a while but look in your local phone directory to find the number. It took over a year for us to get an NHS dentist here in Yorkshire. My Mum lives in Hull and there just AREN'T any NHS dental places; she has ended up being on a very long list at the dental hospital. She is 77!
Bottom line is that as parents we face innumerable challenges. We can help and support each other and "get through" but every child is an individual
Take care all
Louise :)
My lot are on NHS while they're in full-time education, then I'll need to start (or should that be they will need to start) paying monthly to be private. I do pay as NHS places in this area are impossible to find. And, I really do like my dental practice.
Hi sparklinglime
As our children get older we have to use different parenting techniques to get them to do what we want!! We want to create an environment to enhance positive, responsible behaviour in an atmosphere of mutual respect and responsibility.
We need them to learn that ‘adulthood equals responsibility’.
One way of doing this is create a family contract, this can enhance co-operation and strengthen the parent/child relationship. I am going to write a short article on Family Contracts, which will be posted to the site shortly. I will let you know when it is completed via this thread.
Keep strong! :)
They're really good children otherwise, to be fair on them.
I look forward to the article Anna
Hello sparkling lime
Glad you like your dentist, not many people can say that :roll: it might pay you financially to look into one of these health schemes where you pay a monthly fee and get a certain amount of your medical costs back. Tho sometimes "it's as broad as it's long", as we say here in Yorkshire.
Re the family contracts I have used these with my 14 year old since he was much younger....and they have usually incorporated a clause which says "Any whingeing about this and the contract will be broken" :lol:
Louise
I must get the article written about Family Contracts as it about keeping up our side of the bargain even if they don't, to show them that our word is our bond - not so that we can rip it up as soon as they whine and moan about it Louise!!! :lol:
Ok Ok. :lol: ....I remember learning about Family Contracts and yes, one of the key points is that we stick to our side of the bargain in order to "model" good behaviour :oops:
Louise
Hello sparkling lime
Glad you like your dentist, not many people can say that :roll: it might pay you financially to look into one of these health schemes where you pay a monthly fee and get a certain amount of your medical costs back. Tho sometimes "it's as broad as it's long", as we say here in Yorkshire.
Re the family contracts I have used these with my 14 year old since he was much younger....and they have usually incorporated a clause which says "Any whingeing about this and the contract will be broken" :lol:
Louise
I'm with WHA, which I feel has been well worth paying.
I know it's not a contract, but if I make a deal with the children I will stick to it. They know if they don't keep their side of the deal then what ever is planned doesn't happen.
I run the Scouts and have just started Cubs, and the children are starting to realise that if they don't co-operate then the fun stops. :D I'm quite horrid really - my children will, I'm sure, confirm that! 8-)
You're horrid? :o I don't believe it for a minute ;) That's great that you have that involvement with the voluntary work and will stand you in good stead on your CV as well as being good for the kids you help.
Louise
My 15 year old daughter and 13 year old son "have" to come to Cubs to help (loads coming at the mo as it's new - they start paying next week, so I reckon we'll have about 5!), and they "have" to wear their uniforms! They had a really good time last week.
My eldest boy comes along to the Scouts then with two of his mates. They were all in the Scouts, but didn't carry on to Explorer Scouts. They now help with the youngsters for their Duke of Ed, which they're doing in school. They seem to enjoy it too.
What I find strange, is how the younger children will take more notice of the older children who are helping...
I have to say, I hadn't thought of this towards a CV. My children go to Scouts and love it. The two leaders (really good friends of mine now) moved away and there was no one to take over. I like to think it's plodding along for a dynamic Scout chappie (I do think it needs a man there, sorry to be sexist) to come and take it over!
Hi,
I've just read over some of the posts in this topic so I thought I'd share experiences with mine (kids) : )
Bed time.. I gave up putting them in their own beds about two years ago, my 'excuse' is.. they live in the attic room and its has steep stairs and they would invariably come down them in the middle of the night and get into my bed, I used to lie in bed unable to go to sleep imagining them stumbling half asleep down the stirs and breaking bones, so in order to get some sleep I would go upstairs and carry them one by one back to my bed. I have also given up telling them to actually go to bed as well, I know I'm probably a bad parent : ) but I have compromised, we all go to bed at the same time : ) and put a film on the bedroom PC, at about eight in the week and when ever on the weekend and we all fall asleep : )
I've discussed this with my sister, she has two sons 18 and 19 and she has assured me that at some point they will want to start sleeping in their own bed. I asked my daughter a while back when this was going to happen and she said never. So I suspect I shall have to just wait until she or my son casually mentions it in school to a friend when they are about sixteen, and then social services come knocking at my door, at least that's my fear anyway : )
At the moment they both generally do what they are asked to do, if not they are refused something they want, they go through periods when they have to be asked more times than others, but I think that at the moment they both know that when I really mean no that I'm not changing my mind, no matter how unfair they tell me it is. I just hope we can keep it up into the teenage years :)
Thanx.
Yes, keeping the communication going is a really vital bit of our hopes as parents :) As to the bed thing, it is each to his or her own. In my experience it does happen more with lone parents that the children want to share a bed...also I have noticed that if there is more than one child then there can be a degree of competition as to who gets the most nights with Mummy/Daddy.
if you ever got fed up of it, you could think about using a reward system, based on a star chart, for staying in their own bed. The other cheeky little remark I am going to make is that it would create problems if you met a new partner ;) But you're right, in the end they will want to be on their own and if it doesn't bother you then why worry?
Take care
Louise
I have wondered about the partner thing, how would I deal with it, or how would they deal with it really, but after my marriage I don't think I want to go there again : ) I'm quite happy being single. I get to deal with my children on my terms and I'm busily getting them to be as self sufficient as possible, so I can have good undisturbed 'daddy time' of an evening.
Sometimes I've given up and gone to sleep in one of their beds, if they are arguing or just general testing my patience : )
thanx.
Hooray, hooray :lol:
Thats sounds fantastic Blusey7! Oh the feeling of power is wonderful!!
It is funny that children seem to know exactly how far to push us, it seems like you suddenly decided enough was enough and there was no more messing with mummy! Persistence always pays off, good for you.
Have a gold star and give yourself a pat on the back! :D
Glad you're happy with how things are, Simon, that's a great place to be, long may it continue :)
Well done Blusey, that sounds fantastic. I think it seems similar to a parenting technique called "First...then" that I have learned about ie in your case you said "FIRST you must tidy your rooms and THEN you can have your DS lites back". I remember I found it quite hard to phrase things like this and would do it in a negative way instead ie "you're not going on the computer until you have done your homework". I did find the "First...then" positive way worked best for me, as it has for you, Blusey. Way to go!
Louise ;)
Hi sparklinglime
The Family Contract article is now in the Info Library under Teenagers, have a look and see what you think, whether you would try it and if you do, how it goes! Or go to http://www.onespace.org.uk/articles/teenagers/family-contract
I am not saying that your children are particularly naughty, but every bit of support helps I find!
Best of Luck.
I think I had better be having a little look at that article myself, Anna, thanks ;)
Louise
Thank you :D
Let me know if you give it a go and then if it makes any difference to your or your teenagers life!
Tidy bedrooms, getting ready for school and bedtimes are my bugbear.
I will ask the girls to tidy their room and when I go to check later they are sitting on the floor making more mess. This was one of the things that X and I always fought over. My way of thinking is, if they want to live like pigs, shut the door and let them get on with it. But he always argued that it was unhygenic and dangerous. I must admit that it's a problem when they can't find something important and I do actually prefer it tidy.
My youngest is a devil for still being in her pj's at 5 minutes before leaving for school time. Aaarrgghh!
I've tried being firm. I get ignored. Losing my temper isn't the answer, it's setting a bad example. I threaten to take things away, they either don't care or make a scene/have a tantrum. X always said that I was either too soft or shouted at them too much. I've never been able to find something in the middle that works.