Following on from one of our members talking about online dating, it set me thinking about how dating in general can become a much more complicated thing once we are parents. I know several of our members have said they just don't want to do it full stop :roll:
So cast your mind back to your worst-ever date....and let us know what happened ;)
One of my worst was when I was very young. I went to the cinema with a yoof and realised ten minutes in, that it had been a big mistake. I announced that I had to be in by 9.30 (the earliest I dare say) as my Mum was ill. I got the bus home, he insisted on getting the bus with me. I pretended my Mum would be furious if I was even a minute late and started to jog home from the bus stop (trying to avoid the SNOG), he ran after me and we gradually got faster and faster down the road, he caught up with me as I reached out front gate and said into my ear......wait for it.........."Lucious thighs!" :lol:
They're not very luscious these days :( . Over to you!
Louise
Yeah, we really should take notice of those early warning signs.
We all had them, but chose to ignore them.
Enjoy your rebelliousness, let us know what you get up to! ;)
Hi sadsy
Picturing yourself with a loving partner.....there is a view of the future that although still fantasy, it IS a picture of the future (with or without luscious thighs!)
Dating is one area where even when people have been single for a while, they may fear to tread.
Take care
Louise
I once had a rebound relationship while in UNi with a girl who was also on the rebound. We were both coming out on the wrong side of one of those pre Uni relationships with the girl or boy from back home that usualy end sort of one term in on the first year.
We just used to sit about talking about our Xs, it didn't last long and she made it quite apparent that she hated me for the rest of my time in Uni.
I took her on a weekend to Aberystwyth once, maybe that was why?
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
I really don't think that there is a 'loving' partner out there for me. My ex told me I was difficult, and to be fair, over the last five years I now realise I am! :D
I figure being on my own means I don't upset anyone and I can be me without worrying about it :lol:
Dear sparklinglime,
i can be difficult too, so i am chatting with Cupid whether u want me to or not "raaaaasp", and he says that (apart from he's dieting) that he is now looking for someone for you.
When you are difficult with this partner he has found, Cupid says new partner won't be cross with u, he'll laugh and smile and hug you even more. He'll say he loves you because you are you, so you will have no defence against love.
so beware.
I asked Cupid about one for me and he said "what did you do with the last one?".
Drove her crazy angry, that's what.
huuuugs
sy
:lol:
I used to believe in Karma too... 8-)
I figure being on my own means I don't upset anyone and I can be me without worrying about it
I like that aspect too : )
Have dinner when I want, do what I want when I want, have a cup of coffee when I want, not have to explain exactly what it is I'm going to the shop for and then not having to explain exactly who I saw and talked to while I was out, just not having to think about everything I do and what the repercussions might be.
When me and the children where finally removed from our situation it was like a whole new world of stress free freedom, not having to tiptoe around someone elses uncontrollable emotional roller coaster. It was for me truly understanding what people meant when they said 'I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders'
: )
sparklinglime wrote:
I figure being on my own means I don't upset anyone and I can be me without worrying about it
I like that aspect too : )
Have dinner when I want, do what I want when I want, have a cup of coffee when I want, not have to explain exactly what it is I'm going to the shop for and then not having to explain exactly who I saw and talked to while I was out, just not having to think about everything I do and what the repercussions might be.
When me and the children where finally removed from our situation it was like a whole new world of stress free freedom, not having to tiptoe around someone elses uncontrollable emotional roller coaster. It was for me truly understanding what people meant when they said 'I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders'
: )
Yep. And people seem to think we're mad feeling that way! Personally, I think it's ok.
My mother-in-law worries about me being alone. I don't. I hope my children will grow up and still like me enough to keep in touch! That's if ever they can afford to leave - and it's ok if they don't. :lol:
My mother-in-law worries about me being alone
My sister, who's kind of like my mum really, she worries about me finding someone as she thinks I have terrible taste in women and that most of my Xs have had some sort of mental health issues, apparently I attract needy psychopaths : )
Isn't it strange that other people seem to want to pair us off? In fact more and more people are choosing to remain single. There are some really good arguments in its favour. :D
For anyone who would like to do some work on thinking about their past relationships, there is a fab book called "Are you the one for me?" by Barbara de Angelis. Ok the second half of the book is devoted to an actual search for a partner but I think the first half is the fab bit: you are encouraged to think about all partners you have had (and I would include close friendships with both sexes which no longer exist, in order to find the pattern more easily if you haven't had many partners) You get a big piece of paper and write down all the bad things about each person under a heading with their name. Before doing this, I would never have thought that ex partners had ANYTHING in common, cos externally they were so different. However, I was amazed to find that mine all had a very domineering parent and they were all cowardly, for example. :? From this you can eventually think "well I am not going out with anyone with those characteristics again" or you could think "I recognise that men with a domineering parent can be attracted to me so I am not going to act like a parent in any of my relationships in the future", or whatever is appropriate in your particular case.
It's strange, but my now friend (as I like to call him!) who I met and did have a relationship with after my ex, shared many traits with ex.
It's frightening really.
I think that's why I know I'm ok as I am - and not in anyway sad about it.
I have a friend who is 65, and finds herself in yet another abusive relationship. She has been married twice, had DV twice. She actually realises that this relationship now is the same, yet feels its her destiny to be with men of this nature. There's no violence, and I believe this is because she will leave the place he lives (he's very wealthy, big house etc). Yet she goes there, does his shopping (he will pay only for what's on the list - if she chooses extras, that's her loss) cooks and cleans for him. She receives pension credit, yet he won't even give her fuel money.
What can I say here? She knows the situation she's in.
I'll see if she'll write these things down as it might open her eyes.
I find it frustrating though, hearing her so upset on the phone - as I heard it when she was married. She had become so happy on her own too.
Oh well...
Just read Page 1 and completely missed a whole other page, so this is in response to the first page, I will be back with more shortly!
Hoorah, I love your post bublegum, it justs reinforces how wonderful it is to be FREE! :)
Maybe you should take your date to Paris....rather than Aberystwyth! Ha ha only joking, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're together :)
OOOHHH abusive partners REALLY get my goat, how dare they treat someone, that shows them love and affection, so badly :?: I just don't understand the mentality :?
A new programme for women survivors of domestic abuse has been launched and over the weekend I was reading it, one point that I thought was excellent was:
Ask the group what they think 'true love' consists of. The response you will probably get is....two become one, soul mates, life partners etc and then you need to challenge the group and ask them rather than it being about two people becoming one, how about thinking in threes!
You, as an individual person, with needs, values and wants, your partner, as an individual person with needs, values and wants and then you as a couple.
I pondered this for a while and I wonder how often we let our needs and wants go by the wayside because of the relationship. In my case far too often :roll: I have boundaries and I need to assert them. My life and my rights as an individual should not be imposed on when I am in a couple.
What do you think?
I know I've never viewed it from that point and it's a good way to do it.
I know I never thought of me - although I've no doubt ex would dispute that - as I was never quite able to do things I would have liked to have done as a couple and for myself. My needs weren't taken into consideration by me, while doing things I thought would make him happy I did do (tickets to Grand Prix's and spending money, golf clubs...).
To be fair, he did buy me a carpet cleaner, as he wanted to do anything he could to make me want to stay. 8-)
Sounds like both of you have come a long way in terms of your own identities :)
Funny how we compromise in relationships....if you read the local paper, for example, you may see a couple who are approaching their Diamond wedding anniversary and the reporter asks them what the secret to a long relationship is, and they ALWAYS say "give and take" :roll: And I guess this is true, with the emphasis on the AND. So much of the time, relationships are one giving and another taking. As Bec says, the right partner is one who loves us for ourselves and doesn't want us to change :)
Louise
Ha ha, Louise your post made me think that about older couples that have been together for years and another thing that the man often says is: That more often than not she is right and I go along with it!!
When will we women recognise the power that we have and stop passing it over to men, I wonder?
Hello sy I am glad that one or two things are starting to feel a little less daunting. Sounds as if you handled the situation with the school very well ;) You have said before about your partner accusing you of being a goody two shoes, I wonder what that's about? Maybe you are handling outside things in a better way than she had anticipated and she doesn't like it? or maybe an outsider has critcised her recent behaviour?
Bit worried about the sticky bun somwhere out there in the ether....... :?
Hello Bec
Well if you don't hear anything then at least you know that he wouldn't have been suitable for you! Seriously, I have to say that my experience of dating at a ........"more mature age" :oops: is that many people find it difficult to make up their minds what they want. So in theory they think oh it would be nice to have someone to go out with and then suddenly there you are, a real human being and they panic.
Onwards and upwards :)
Hey sadsy,
I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for dealing with the school. These things are daunting and your ex has always had to deal with them. Maybe she wanted you to do more of it earlier on, that is why she is calling you goody two shoes? Quite a few mums have said on these boards that their exes are now doing things now that had been missing in the relationship, like taking son to the park and spending quality time.
I wonder if mothers sometimes stifle fathers and because we tend to spend the majority of time and care in the early days, a father doesn't get that learning experience of 'you just have to deal with it', whether it be crying and whining, dirty nappy in middle of supermarket, saying something rude to stranger or even what makes them laugh and forget the reason they were upset. Men think we have a knack, I think we just spend more time with them, therefore have more experience. Whaddya say?
Bec, maybe you scared him off being a strong woman and :o suggesting when to go out and not waiting to be asked! :shock:
:lol: :lol:
:lol: You are funny! :lol:
You seem to be able to analyse things and see things a little clearer the last couple of days. :D I mean you are remembering things and beginning to recognise that you are not the useless waste of space that your ex has intimated.
Lucky her going to the beach today, its pouring with rain here. I understand it must be difficult not to ask how her day has been and I am sure it must seem sometimes a little ridiculous not to be able to ask such a simple thing. But I guess we all deal with scenarios such as these differently and as we have said before, she is not finding all this easy either.
Maybe you can get ensconced into an activity before she comes home, so that you are not watching the clock or waiting to see how the evening will unfold. Perhaps go out, get on your bike and do a couple of circuits.
Will your children be home soon? Perhaps you could get some cake making stuff from your local shop and bake with them for an hour or so?
Point to remember: Find new girlfriend on building site, therefore she is bound to wear steel toecaps and not notice that you are trampling on her!! Tee hee ;)
Hi sy
Yes that will be a new dynamic, the going back to work. Do you think the anti ds have helped at all yet? I know that you are beginning to come up for a bit of air.
re hugging......I met a friend the other day, equally amply-bosomed to myself, we hugged and BOUNCED off each other...so if you are looking for steel toe caps, can you see if the shop also stocks steel underwear please? :lol:
:lol: :lol: :lol:
You could do to get some more advice from CAB if that's the way things are looking :(
Re Parental Responsibility (referred to on another thread) then you can enforce this legally, I am sure your solicitor will have told you about this. Perhaps you could suggest that child support money will be a lot easier to arrange if you have PR? You may already have it for the youngest child (ie if you were put on the birth certificate after Dec 03)
Every day will feel like a torture re the kids going away, Sy :(
To get PR you can apply to the court and everyone associated with the child is notified and can object but if you show you have parental involvment then there's no reason you couldn't have it. Step-parents often get Parental Responsibility this way and a number of people can have it at the same time
Maybe you need some incite into the male mind during those early days... I suggest you watch this : )
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRjWhujCLDs
: )
I've not had that problem Bec, so I'm not going to pretend to know what to suggest!
Best wishes
That video is very funny! :lol: :lol:
Bec I think you can just leave it now, all that checking the diary business is to retain the control and also to give the impression he is dead busy and popular. Just leave the ball in his court now; he will soon let you know if he is genuinely interested. Very annoying though! :x
Blimey Me and the boy, that was a lucky escape with him! It sounds like a very traumatic evening all round. Have you been on any blind dates since? :? I'm guessing probably not!
BEC - I run a programme for survivors of domestic abuse and at the end of the course we look at the 'Warning Signs' and unsuprisingly everyone can look back into the early days of their relationship and see the warning signs.
But why do we chose to ignore them? Do we think we can change them? Do we just so desperately want a partner that we forgive and forget their actions that make us feel uncomfortable/angry/fearful/unsure, so quickly? Hmph, I don't know!
Maybe the guy you met up with is having a Frank Skinner moment! :lol: Or maybe he's playing it cool, either way, I think you are tight get on with your own life and if he happens to call, check your diary and see how you feel!!
Do you remember 'The Rules'? It was an american womens guide to dating. I never read it, but lots of people were talking about it. One of the rules is to never call him. I thought for a while, oh thats good because then you just get on with your life and if you are free, then you agree a meet up. However, I am in a different frame of mind now! If I want to call a chap, then I will! If I want to meet someone and spend the rest of my life with them, or the next few years at least, then are going to have to learn who I am and my whims and wants too. So just check how you feel and respond accordingly. Good Luck and let us know!
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Do you remember/recognise any warning signs from your exes? I'd say that Me and the boy's worst date ever showed that that guy was a liar, so who knows what stories he would be telling his partner after he had his feet under the table?
Me and the boy - I'm sorry that you've had to come to terms with so much.
Good grief, meandtheboy how awful for you :o and well done for coming through all that!
re early warning signs, I think this is a really interesting topic. The book I have mentioned before ("Are you the one for me?" by Barbara Angelis) makes much of this, too....not just in terms of potential abuse but in terms of their "character". However, I have developed my OWN technique for this as well. The Louise method involves asking them a bit about past relationships as soon as it is decent (probably not on the first date :lol: ) Ten to one they will have a story they are indignant about ie what an ungrateful ex has said to them. Listen sympathetically, and notice what the "ungrateful ex" is supposed to have said. It may well be exaggerated for your benefit but if she has said he is controlling then he probably is, if she has said he is irresponsible then he probably is. Also have a cool look at his attitude to any children he has from a previous relationship: how does he treat them? Is he closely involved with them? That can tell you a lot!
BTW these comments apply equally to men, women and same sex partnerships....just human nature, I guess.
Good plan Louise!
I worked with a chap who's girlfriend upped and left him and the house and the dog for New Zealand and he never once b****ed about her. I was most surprised, not once. Whereas I had been split up for about 2/3 years and quite happily continued to moan about my useless ex. It really made me think about what kind of relationship I had had and any future relationship. I never want to be slagging off a man again at the end of a relationship and I am sure I have chosen different men because of this.
Nice that it made you smile.....
I can't really come up with anything, as I think I must have had a very sheltered life! I think that's why I have moment of wanting to be rebelious now!!
The first date I had with The Git was going to the cinema, with a film he'd been raving about wanting to see - a Woody Alan one. It was really awful! We went home in silence, in shock, I think, that a film could be so awful.
I should have taken that as a sign and never seen him again... :D