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I see there is advice on the site not to put down your ex-partner infront of your children. I understand that if your partner is respectful of you. But what if he is abusive about you infront of the children and vents his emotional anger out on them? And that he is too bitter (or drunk) to listen to anything that you would have to say? And would drop out of their lives altogether if you stopped him seeing them for a time?
I do feel very angry but I did hold back on my anger in front of the children - tried to mediate the situation which in retrospect I should not have done. Because once I left, my husband vented his spleen on my daughter. It was really damaging for her. I think I should have stopped her seeing him - but that too would have been damaging as before we split up she was the apple of his eye.
Hi there
I did try and stop my daughters father seeing her, it was the hardest decision that i ever had to make, aside from escaping him. I thought it would be the best for her, he absolutely adored her, but after what he had put me and her through she was extremely frightened of him and i wanted to create a safe environment for the rest of her childhood. But as it turned out, it wasn't my decision anyway - the Courts decided for me. He was to get fornightly access, regardless of police reports, CAFCAS reports & health visitor reports :?
He never turned up on time, sometimes not at all, occassionally he would use the visits to have a pop at me and then after 3 years he decided that he wasn't prepared to keep it up as i was beginning to get a life back and he didn't appreciate giving me the break. Charming man that he was! ;)
What i am trying to say is that i think we feel so guilty if we want our kids father out of their lives because they love him so much and he loves them so much, and society says that we are evil if we make this happen. But everyone forgets that WE are the important ones here, we need to be safe to care properly for our children, we need to be shown respect by other adults for our children to learn that that is the way to behave and have respect for us, also so that they feel safe too. There is nothing more unsettling for a child than seeing their mother intimidated, assaulted or belittled. Their mother should always be portrayed as being in control.
I am rambling now, i just wanted to say to Suekatz, its great that you never bad mouthed your ex, i didn't either, as we don't want to damage our children any more, but it just shows that he was the bad father as he obviously bitched about you. Your children may love you both, but they know who they will trust when they reach adult life.
Best of luck, thanks for listening/reading!!
Thanks for sharing wiseowl, it sounds like you feel a lot more in control now.
I heard a great saying the other day "the greatest thing a father can do for his children - is to love their mother" :D
I like that!
Hi Suekatz and others,
I find it very hard to keep my mouth shut, and have said the odd thing (regretfully so) but my ex was an abusive violent drunk, and when we split, him and his family did everthing to make my life hell, regardless of the effect on Emerald. He took me to court, for custody, and access (although he dropped the custody case when he got a job - much to the amusement of the judge, who thought it was farcical anyway). Previous to this, him and his mother made anonymous phonecalls to social services, mother said she was having me followed and photographed, called the police on me the lot. Suffice to say, social services put it down to malicious phone calls, no photos were produced (of me going to work... LOL) and to this date, I don't have a police record. There really are some dreadful people out there.
Like someone else said on here, the court awarded him fornightly visits (regardless of the SS phone calls and his police record the length of his arm, and the violent episodes towards me) although did bar his mother from having any contact at all for the first year. He's not there usually on the Saturday, and his wife and step daughter entertain Emerald (which to be fair are the only reason she goes up there), and says awful things to her. 99% of the time, I just say 'that wasn't a very nice thing to say' or 'daddy says silly things' , but once when he was telling her that one weekend she wasn't coming home and would live with him and go to his stepdaughters school, I got very upset. A few days later during a tantrum, she screamed at me that she was going to live with daddy, I shouted back, 'daddy doesn't want you' and hated myself for saying it as soon as it was out of my mouth. But it makes me so very cross that he has dropped from 2 nights to 1 night, and threatened to go to one day a fortnight because Emerald is 'hard work', yet feels during that time that he can belittle me physically, deny who her real family is (I am adopted - so he tried to do the 'blood family' thing in court too, which also didn't go down to well), slag off her favourite aunty (who is his sister) and tell her alsorts of ridiculous lies, when I am the one trying to bring her up to be a grounded little girl.
It is difficult, and sometimes I think I'm fighting a loosing battle, but the other week he threatened to call the police on his sister (again unfoundedly) which just made Emerald think very badly of him, so basically, slowly but surely, he his hanging himself, without any input from me at all.
Bide your time, and just be the mother you are to your little girl, and it will sort itself out in her head without you having to do anything other than be there and strong for her.
Clarey, Emmie and Buster xx
Hi Clarebear
Welcome to the Parenting Alone Online Group and great to see that you have got stuck in and put posts up in quite a few topics and thanks particularly for sharing your experiences and thoughts about the effects of an abusive ex-partner on you and your child.
It is difficult as you say, and I really empathise that sometimes you feel like you are fighting a losing battle but it's really heartening that you have been able to come to see that you just need to "bide your time, and just be the mother you are to your little girl....." and that you are now able to pass that wisdom on to others here in the group. Although sometimes it really hard to believe, love always wins out in the end, particularly where children are concerned - they are very perceptive.
I came across the following pamphlet on the internet - Helping Children Thrive, Information for mothers who have left abusive relationships - it is canadian - but the top ten tips for mothers whose children have lived with violence against their mothers are universal, it's worth a look.
Lin
Hi Clarebear
Thanks for sharing, I thought it was great that after everything you said, your last paragraph was perfect support and advice, not only to everyone else, but also for yourself!
Abusive ex partners get many more rights than I believe they should, but as law abiding citizens we as parents, have to do as the Courts state. I have met women time and time again who find that however insistent and desperate their ex abusive partners may act about seeing their little cherub/fashion accessory, the children grow up and see through it, as long as they have one considerate, empathetic and honest parent.
I thought the article that Lin suggested was great as a parenting tool for all children, have you heard of the Freedom Programme? It is a very friendly environment where you can get support from others who have survived abuse, a lot of women have made very good friends on these courses. There is a bit of a discussion about it in this forum, have a look.
Also have a look at our articles on Abuse and Violence.
Look forward to keeping in touch.
Sadly, my ex, I knows runs me down with the children. The fact that the 20 year marriage failed is my fault, and I'm and unfit parent. I left in March 2004, and he still can't resist it. I'm so tempted to buy him a mirror, he can look in it when he makes these comments then :D
Basically, I've experienced emotional abuse that went on over many years (hindsight is such a wonderful thing). I also know that bad-mouthing the 'other parent' is considered to be emotional abuse to the child. Which is why I've always shut-up, or left the room. Very hard, especially when you feel your doing everything you can to enable a positive relationship with parent and child/ren.
My oldest is almost 17. He's been most affected by the breakup back in 2004, mainly as due to my ex's debts, we lost our home and my car. We've even been homeless! My other three children seem to have coped reasonably well. My oldest boy does now express his feelings about his dad, but when I say 'yes, that's all true, but he does love you', he does know his dad loves him.
Basically, the parent with care has to take it all. It's tiring and wearing, and boy, do I need a break! The non-resident parent seems to enjoy being wonderful - in our case for a 2 or three hours every two or three weeks!
Hi sparklylime
Thanks for sharing, emotional abuse is often described as the worst form of abuse as it is not visible, but it messes with our head and goes a lot deeper. Sometimes it can be harder to recognise what was abuse and what was somebody just having a go, just remember anything that ever made you feel bad about yourself was the abuse.
Its so painful when the children are involved as again, you can't see the physical damage and they might recognise the emotional damage, but you as their nearest and dearest does. It sounds as if you have had a really tough time, especially with 4 children, I take my hat off to you :)
I hope your eldest is learning to trust himself and his feelings regarding his father, we so often cover up for our abusive ex's bad behaviour that it can alter how our children think. It sounds great that your boy is able to express how he feels, that is so admirable in someone that has had quite a different male role model, it is so important to keep lines of communication open and for us to be honest, otherwise how can we expect our children not to learn abusive behaviours and find them acceptable.
Have you had a look at our article on the 'Good father and bad father'? I think it is great and you could use it to start a conversation with your children, asking them what contributes to a good father etc.
Thanks again for sharing I look forward to talking some more :)
I have only just recently split from my ex partner though it isnt the first time, last time we splitt i went into refuge, i found out i was 3mths pregnant with his second child and with a little pushing decided to resume the relashionship with him(another stupid decision). Now my children are almost 1yr and 4yrs and i yet again cant deal with his accusations, controlling and temper. Though i know i am doing the right thing it doesnt make it any easier, i feel like i dont know wot to do with myself, i have been with him for almost 8yrs and spent nearly every minuit of everyday with him. what make it worse is he keeps leaving food bits and chocolate for the kids outside and instead of him bein angry(that would be easier to deal with) he is constently tellin me that he loves me and that i am depriving the kids of a loving daddy.
i feel so lonely and useless, i am trying to be stronge for them but each day that goes by i can feel myself slipping into deep depression, i cant eat, my hair is falling out and everytime he phone or turns up i feel vacant.
i know i cant go back with him, it has took me a long time to realise it but he has over the years abused me in every way and this time i really have had enough, think this website helping a lot. reading other ppl's story's is slowley helping and givin me courage to go on. besides nothin ever changes he would only be nice for a couple of days then i would be punnished for splittin up with him again......no, that is enough!!!
Dear dee1
I am sorry to read your story but I am so glad you have found us, you are not alone, many women experience similar situations, have you had a read of our Abuse and Violence articles? You might find them interesting and also be able to identify with some of the articles.
Have you heard of the Freedom Programme? Have a look at the website and see if there is a venue running a group near you. It is a really supportive programme where you can make friends with shared experiences, learn about how you ended up in this situation and also learn to recognise abusive behaviours. It is a really empowering programme and many women come away wishing they had known all the information sooner.
This is going to be a tough time as your ex is in Persuader mode - meaning he realises you are serious and now will try to do anything for you. You are absolutely right though, don't be fooled again things will go back to exactly as they were if not worse as he will then know that he's got you.
A lot of your time now is about finding out who you really are. This can be a slow process, but also an interesting one! Who knows what hidden talents you have!! When you are feeling low have a read of 'the best thing about being a single parent' It is a giggle!
It sounds like you are really down at the mo, if there isn't a Freedom Programme near you have a look on the Womens Aid website and find out what other support there is for you.
You have done the best thing for you and your children, stay strong, reward yourself, have an evening in with your family or friends. Treat yourself to luxuriating in the bath, let the kids stay up and watch a video (sorry DVD!) get a pizza in, wallow in this difficult time. It will get better.
Is he asking about contact yet??
Hi anna, thanx for your advise it means a lot. I was given a freedom programm booklet by a support worker for womans aid a few years ago, Although i got back with ex the information never left me, it was pat craven who recommended this site to me. I think that if it wasnt for the ladies at womans aid and pat craven (freedom programme) i would have never of even realised the impact the relationship was having on the children. As far as access goes he say's that he is coming to see the children tommorro, i have only just got them back as i thought it was best they stayed with family over the last few days in case things got heated. i know he loves his children and they do love him, my little girl has been constantly asking 'were's daddy?'. For the next 5wks i am going to get a friend to do the switch over with the children so we both dont have to meet, After that he might be going away for a while anyway, so its hard to make long term plans.
Hi Dee1
Sending loads of strength your way.
Baby steps will get you through this. I'm glad a friend is helping with the handover.
Do take care.
Hi dee1
I wanted to respond to your post but unfortunately I am rushing at the moment, but I will be back on tomorrow to talk some more.
Hope you have a good eve, look after yourself ;)
Hi dee
That is great that you have had some involvement with the Freedom Prog, you say that you only looked at the leaflet?? Now is the perfect time to join a group, you can share your weekly events and get extra support. You won't regret it.
Good luck with the handovers, that is great you have a friend to do it, I hope the children enjoy themselves, I hope you try and enjoy yourself a little bit too. Stay strong and keep in touch :)
I have had terrible problems with my ex both when I was with him and since I ended the relationship. He was abusive when I was handing my daughter over to him for contact and so it now has to be done in a supervised environment. However, he still continues to do this infront of our daughter. He has breeched his injunction on 2 occasions, and now chooses to flaunt a new woman infront of me on handover after threatening me with violence if I ever have anyone else in my life. He is still mentally abusive to me and in my opinion is emotionally abusing my daughter. He has phoned social services, tried to get into my house (me and my daughter had to lock ourselves in the bathroom) and has constantly harrassed me and although CAFASS know this, still advise he has unsupervised access as he isn't of any physical risk to her. Now I am worried that because of his obssessive nature with regards women, he will give little time to our daughter on visits when his new partner is with him. Why will no one accept that my daughter is being put in a situation that is very damaging to her?
I cannot see and end to this and feel that I am being prevented from protecting my child because of 'our issues' being nothing to do with our daughter (CAFCASS officer quote)
Hi catarratto
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time with the ex.
Can I ask what happened when he breeched his injunction? Did you contact the police?
I'm not the right person to give advice on this one, but so many people can help and support you. It certainly doesn't sound good, him carrying on in front of your daughter. Please keep posting. There will be answers for you.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Thanx Alison.
He has breeched for contacting me and turning up at my house. He switches from being abusive and threatening to crying and telling me he loves me. He has contacted members of my family and turned up at their properties. He has appearred at my daughters nursery and my sons school demanding to know where she is. He has been given 2 warnings under the harrassment act also.
My solicitor has been excellent and the magistrates seem to go in my favour, but he seems to find more ways of continuing his abuse which he takes no responsibility for. He has parental responsibility also which doesn't help matters. In court he has demanded to know who I am co-habiting with (even though I am not) and states we are in this situation because of me.
Hi catarratto
Take a look at the Abuse and Violence part of One Space.
Years ago before I had my son 7, I was in a relationship with someone, he would hit me, cry, apologise etc. One time, he even broke my arm, (and then blamed me). Eventually, I got the courage up and walked away from him. God knows why but I still loved him, even after all of that. He used to turn up crying. Once he slashed his wrists in front of me. I believe this is part of trying to control.
Your ex does sound like a nightmare, and it is good that your solicitor is great, and that the courts seem to favour you. Something obviously has to be done about the whole situation, before it turns even nastier.
I don't know about the parental responsibility part. I guess the authorities don't see him as a threat to the child.
Like I've said before, many people on One Space will be able to offer more help. Keep posting ok.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Thanks Alison.
I am struggling very hard with my emotions at the moment and part of the reason is because I am shocked by them. I have prayed that he would meet somebody else to take the pressure off me but now it has happened I feel gutted. I don't think I have ever grieved for this relationship as so much has been going on and even though I was miserable in it these feelings off loss have hit me like a ton of bricks. Part of me hopes he will get so involved with this woman he will ease his pressure for access but the other part is worried he will ignore my daughter when she is with him. I don't know if he brings his new partner to upset me or because he has now genuinely moved on. I feel guilty for feeling this way, very alone, can't sleep or eat and don't understand any of this anymore. I feel like I will never come to terms with it all and that it will never end.
Hello catarratto
First of all you are welcome to One Space.
I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Alisoncam is right, it is all about control, and you have only to look at two of the statements you have made to see how ridiculous he is being. Firstly you say he has a new partner and flaunts her in front of you and your daughter and secondly he says he would never cope if you got anyone else........so it is Ok for him to have other relationships but not you!
You also say how hard it hit yotThat he had found someone else. I am wondering if that is because with all the passion and drama and declarations of undying love, he led you to believe that you were the only one for him and although you were suffering under the abuse, nevertheless you believed his declarations.
I guess it is a case of getting your head straight with knowing that you cannot be together and a lot of this has been about manipulation. It’s hard to do this on your own and you may want to enlist the help of a counsellor. You can go through your GP or look at http://wam.bacp.co.uk/wam/SeekTherapist.exe?NEWSEARCH
In practical terms there is no need for you to see him at the handovers. Rather than just “supervised”, these can be done through a third party or even at a Child Contact Centre. There are contact centres throughout the country, some accept self-referrals and for others you have to go through a solicitor etc. Have a look at www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php?option=com_facileforms&act=run&ff_name=NACCCreferingform and contact them to see what is in your area.
You will need to monitor your daughter’s well-being through all this. I understand it must be worrying and scary at times to keep this contact going for her but bearing in mind the words of the CAFCASS officer it is true that it is imperative that you try to separate your feelings for him as an ex-partner from your feelings for him as the other parent. However, continue to keep a log of what happens, warn third parties such as the nursery about what may happen and do not hesitate to call the police if you feel, or are, threatened
Best wishes
Hi catarratto
I know exactly where you are coming from. Even though I've been through a violent relationship, I still cannot answer why I still had feelings for him after I ended it. All I can say, is when it was good, it was great, but when it went bad, I suffered terribly. There are so many mixed emotions in this sort of relationship. It takes time, a lot of time. Over the years, this man has reappeared in my life. When I asked him why he had done things to me, his answer was, 'because I could'.
I have no answers for you catarratto. All I can say is eventually, one day, you will wake and realise you are better off without him. My ex has commented on how strong a person I've become, (he doesn't like it). I have gained strength, not just because of what I went through with him, but because of other s..... along the way.
You will come to terms with everything, whether it is a week, month, year. For now, stay strong, stick to your guns. I think you know in your heart that it is best the relationship ended.
Of course it probably hurts you to see him with another woman, he also knows this, but again, you know you're better away from him, so let him see that it bothers you.
I wish you well, take care
Alison
x :)
Thank-you Alison and Louise for your comments.
Logically I know it is the best thing - we have not been together for over 18 months and until now I felt relieved it was over. The abuse has continued however and the last incident was a week ago.
I think what one of you said about his undying love has probably hit me. The fact I know who the woman was has brought up alot of past incidents. He has been involved with her on and off for a number of years and slept with her when we had split for a while. He denied it but it all came out in the end so I keep wondering if there was something going on all along which confuses me as to his declarations of love. He used to check my phone and mileage and accuse me of having affairs yet this woman is extremely promiscuous and was actually married to his best friend. I don't understand how he is ok with that but was extremely jealous with me to the point of denying our daughter was his. Even the way she dresses is something he would not have tolerated from me and I was regularly called a slag, tart and slapper for doing nothing. He used to say how he wanted our daughter to be brought up 'well' yet allows this woman who appears to be everything he said he hated to be with our daughter. I can't make sense of it and I think because I can't find the answers it is upsetting me even more.
cataratto
Just be really kind to yourself right now, you won't get over this overnight, it is right to grieve and that will all be part of the recovery process. One day at a time, that's all you can do, and it will eventually get easier. There are plenty of online friends here, keep posting :)
Thank-you Louise for all your support x
I have ordered a book called 'living with the dominator' by Pat Craven which may help me make more sense of things. I think abusive men are often contradictory and don't really know what they believe. I think they think about what suits their needs ultimately, and when they find somebody who can do that at that time, all that has previously been said or done doesn't matter. I know I am better off out of this relationship and have to keep telling myself that until I have come to terms with everything. I want to be a good role model to my children and being with him would not be doing that. It is very hard as I can't see an end to it with court etc. but hope as you say it will get easier with time. I am going to see my G.P. for a referral to counselling and hope that will help. I am also going to ask my support worker about the freedom programme. I feel lousy at the moment but will try to stay strong. If I weaken in his presence he has control again although it kills me when I have to face him.
All your comments are a great help and I am so glad to have found this site x
hi catarratto
Glad you are finding the support helpful. My colleague, Anna speaks very highly of the Freedom programme and Pat Craven's book so you are doing all the right things, and the counselling will help too. Just don't expect too much of yourself, this won't happen overnight. Each small step is a step towards freedom!
Sending strength your way catarratto.
It's good that you can see these things - I feel when you're living with a situation, you don't always 'see' it...
Thanks sparklinglime.
I think really until now I have still been making excuses in my mind for his behaviour and now I am confronting it properly and seeing it as it is has hit hard. I am recalling things said and done I seem to have buried and the emotions you feel are very confusing. I think because you never get answers it makes closure difficult but I want to get through this and I will. When I have passed through this I would really like to help other women going through the same thing. I wouldn't wish these experiences on anybody and hope any partner he has doesn't get the same abuse I did and still do receive. I also pray that my daughter will come out of this ok xx
Hi catarratto
I am positive your daughter will come out of this absolutely fine, simply because she has a strong mum like you. You will pass through this, and come out a hell of a lot stronger. You are doing so well right now, even though things aren't easy at the moment.
I wish you well.
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hear, hear alisoncam, our children can draw on our strength, that is one reason why being a lone parent can be such a challenge...but also can make us as proud as punch!
Hi catarratto
I wasn't here over the weekend, but I have just seen your messages.
Firstly I want to say, you are not alone here. I am so glad you have joined us here and had the courage to post your messages. You have been through such a tricky time and although when you split up, it might have felt like you had got through the worst of it, it has been ongoing.
This new person in his life doesn't sound like a particularly difficult catch and i wouldn't be surprised if all of this is about still trying to manipulate you.
I really hope that you find a Freedom Programme in your area, as it is such an enlightening course. You soon learn that all abusive men have very similar tactics and once you recognise that, it can be easier to deal with. Is your support worker from Womens Aid? If not it is worth getting in touch with them and seeing if they have a similar course that you could do, here is the link to their site: www.womensaid.org.uk/
You might also want to join this group that is run by Pat Craven, the author of the Freedom Programme: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=56582756494
Did your weekend go quietly?
Hi Anna, thanks for your message. Your support is greatly appreciated x
The weekend went quietly with short reasonable words from him on handover. I said nothing, as always and do not even look him in the eye for fear of inviting contact. Only the week before he was shouting and swearing at me infront of our daughter. Again I said nothing. His inconsistency all adds to my confusion.
I am beginning to see from other womens experiences that these men really do have very similar traits. I think he is a manipulator and tries to get his own way through any means possible.
My support worker is from womens aid. She has been great and accompanies me to court hearings. My solicitor put me in touch with her after he tried to get into my house and I believe if I didn't have her support I would have gone back to him. They were brilliant over xmas contributing gifts for my children which was a great help ( I get no financial help from my daughters father) and we attended a christmas party. I am really only just beginning to come to terms with this all but in my experience I think the best thing to do is tell somebody what is going on. I told no-one for a long time which only fueled what was happening. I felt ashamed, guilty and a failure that this was happening to me. I have begun to talk about it recently and have gained much support and have had to face the reality of the situation - even though I still doubt it at times.I suppose I felt that really it wasn't 'bad' enough a situation to warrant any help. I feel even though I have hit a low, it is one step further to seeing what is going on and although I'm not there yet, being free.
Again, your support is a massive help for me - thank-you x
Hi catarratto
I felt ashamed, guilty and a failure that this was happening to me
This is SOOO normal and everyone from Rhiannon to the girl next door has felt it, did you know that 1 in 4 women experience domestic abuse at some time in their lives? Of course some situations are more extreme than others, but it sounds as if you have been through mental torment with your ex and I am so pleased that you are finding it within yourself to not go back to him.
I have worked with many women who have experienced abuse of one form or another and many have said, myself included, that if it wasn't for my child i would probably still be with him, sad huh! She gave me the strength and pride in myself to not want her to see him treat me that way.
The only way forward from these situations is up, as long as we keep learning from the past. I think one of the best things that the Freedom Programme has shown me is my part in the whole abusive relationship. During the relationship I blamed myself for his behaviour, then after I left, I spent a couple of years blaming him for it all but now I see the part that I played - I stayed with him and believed his lies, I used the excuses that he gave me, to comfort myself and chose to ignore my true feelings.
Now I always trust my own instincts and listen to my heart.
It is hard not to go back to them and I often wonder if my ex turned up at the door, with all the best intentions, telling me he was a reformed man, how I would react. :?
You have come so far, it might not seem like it sometimes, but if you take a step back, you are not in the same place that you were a few years ago, you are free to make your own choices and create the future as you wish, not how he determines it.
Keep strong, we are always here! There is a great song by Dido, I don't know what it is called but there are lyrics in it that say...I just want to feel... safe in my own skin.....aghh I love it!
Do you have a favourite empowering song?
Thanks Anna x
As far as empowering songs go I would say the Christine Aguilera album - 'stripped' has some tracks that are of merit. Especially tracks 14 and 18. Track 19 gives a perspective on abuse from the childs eyes and I find the whole album enpowering from a women's point of view - especially as the last track is called 'keep on singin' my song'
I still love my abuser. I can't deny that. I had a dream and fuelled by my ex's needs I thought we would be the perfect family with his step children. His own child would perfect the picture and we would be happy and go out as a family and live a 'normal' life. Little did I know this 'normal' life would include me being locked in my own house, being accused of sleeping with whoever, called a 'slag', 'tart', 'f***ing whore', being told my friends were using me, not wanting to socialise, aquiring a sexually transmitted disease which was my fault for accepting him into my bed too readily, putting his fist in my face and telling me 'see this - there's plenty more where that came from'.
I should have seen the signs - which I do now but ignored
HIS daughter is the most precious thing to him; even when he tries to break in the house and shouts abuse infront of her and offers no financial contribution incase I 'spent it on booze'.
Listen to this album and STAY STRONG.
Women are admitted to hospital because of physical abuse and because it hadn't happened to me I thought 'it isn't bad enough'
Abuse comes in many forms, and as long as women are seen as 'objects' and 'mothers' and matriarchs this will continue.
If any man puts you down for being a woman - it is a warning
Hi Catarratto
I can see exactly where you are coming from when you say you still love your abuser. I am years down the line, but I still can't explain why I still loved him after everything he did. I used to explain bruises away time and time again, when he broke my arm, the doctor asked me questions, but again, I made a story up. To this day, I don't hate him. I guess I'm very lucky, as I didn't have children with him, so there isn't anything to tie him to me.
So much of what you say in your post brings it all back to me. The nasty name calling etc. When we went out, I used to turn my head to a wall, just so I wasn't accused of looking at other men. I went to a christmas do with my work friends. He was all for it. He kept turning up (to check on me). We had a blazing row, he left, but was waiting for me outside. I was thrown against the wall, then pushed to the ground, and kicked like I was a football. When the next day, he turned up with a bouquet of flowers, crying, saying how much he was sorry, and then turning it on me, saying it was my fault, I actually believed him.
I am so glad that you've finally pulled away from him. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Have a lovely peaceful Sunday
Take care
Alison
x :)
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Hi everyone,
It helps so much to talk about these things....and please remember there will be people reading this board who are going through the abuse right now and wondering how to escape and what to do, so THANK YOU for all being so open and honest, and I feel so sad that you have all had to go through so much.
Lots of virtual hugs....
Hi Louise
I have never told anyone in detail what happened in that relationship. Of course people guessed, but I was never ready to tell them the whole story. I honestly don't know if I was protecting myself or him. I actually think him, as (daft as this sounds), I didn't want anyone to think badly of him. (I'm sure I was wearing your glasses at the time) :lol:
I think I have mentioned in other posts that I feel sorry for him now. His life has been awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
Hope everyone has a peaceful Sunday
Take care
Alison
x :)
Hello alisoncam
Do you think it would help to go through it with someone like a counsellor, or do you feel that you want to deal with it in your own way?
There are so many feelings that can come with being abused, including guilt (not justified but certainly FELT!) I guess only you can be the judge of how you are doing with it all
Take care :)
Hi Louise
I have put it in the past, but every now and then it rears it's ugly head. I do carry a lot of guilt though. I got pregnant, had no support from my family, I was pushed down the stairs by the man himself, (can't say what else he tried to do when I was pregnant as it is too disgusting) At that point in my life, I knew I wasn't strong enough to deal with things, and I had a termination. It is a woman's choice of course, and if things had been different, not for a moment would I have gone through with it. I regretted it that day, and years down the line, that guilt stays with me. I always wanted a child, so I think that's why when I got pregnant with my son, I knew, on my own or not, I could do it. Nothing else mattered, and it still doesn't.
Wow, this site certainly makes me open up. I don't want to be judged for what I did. Like I said, if I had been stronger, things could have been so different.
My abuser then had a tattoo of the date, (a constant reminder of course, as if I needed reminding).
Alison,
I can't see why anyone would judge you for what happened. You were in a terrible situation and emotionally must have been in a terrible state. I had terrible times during my pregnancy and was hospitalised on a number of occasions with physical problems related to the pregnancy. I was extremey stressed and anxious throughout the whole time and wonder if this had an effect on mine and the babies health due to the abuse that was still ongoing. I still worry now if the stress hormones I must have exposed my daughter to have affected her. Try not to be hard on yourself - you did what was the right thing at that time.
I'm having a bad day today - I can't believe these feelings have popped up out of apparently nowhere. I feel angry, guily, sad, used, betrayed - everything really and wake up thinking about what's gone on and what could happen. I have to face him twice a week so feel I can't have room to heal and feel extremely worried about my daughter. We are in and out of court and this just adds to my anxiety. I wish I could switch off my brain at times :?
I did recieve my book though by Pat Craven and it didn't half strike chords - even the language used and the tactics and although there were elements of him in each chapter I recognised the persuader a great deal and now, as the book says if all else fails they often become involved with another woman. (his latest revelation). I keep reading it when I feel bad to try and see how things should be (it tells you at the end of each chapter how a reasonable human being as a partner should behave). Maybe this book would help you?
C x
Hi alisoncam
Gosh I wouldn't have thought for a moment that anyone would judge you. You have to do what is right for you at any particular time. That is dreadful that he had a tattoo done of the date. That Pat Craven book may well help you, as catarratto has suggested, but I wouldn't discount counselling as you have a lot of your plate so don't be reluctant to reach out for support. It is good that you feel able to share your feelings about what has happened to you, not only can you receive our support but also I am sure it will help other people....
Take care
Hi catarratto
Sorry to hear that things are difficult right now. You're right, it must be awful having to see him when he picks up your daughter. Is there any way that a third party could do this? so that you didn't have to see him, I mean?
You have been left with a load of mixed-up feelings about this and it will take some time to work through them. Keep posting: we are all here for you
best wishes :)
Thanks Louise,
I feel a bit of a plonker really as I am beginning to see through all the lies he used to tell me and therefore think I have been extremely gullible. I suspect there was more going on with this person he is with now and explanations and stories he told me that didn't quite add up are beginning to make sense now.
I really don't think he has a clue who he is or what he believes, he is so contradictory but feel I am being laughed at by the two of them as I thought I knew him well and didn't really know him atall.
Sorry for random comments - I write on here when I am having a bit of a worry about it all
x
catarratto
You are not a plonker, you were quite naturally drawn into a web of lies by the man you loved (love?) We cannot choose who we fall in love with, all we can do is to try to be aware if the relationship is not good for us, and this you have done. So dont blame yourself :D
Just keep working through your feelings and the book you have and you will gradually start to emerge from this difficult time, with our support
Hi catarratto
If you look at it a different way, feel I am being laughed at by the two of them you are now the one who is laughing at them. You got out, and now she has him!!!!!
You are doing great.
Take care
Alison
x :)
hear, hear alisoncam, good point! :D
Hi Louise
You're perfectly right of course, I did what I thought was best for me at the time, as we all do in difficult situations. No amount of counselling would help me, as I feel it is only me, who can help me deal with the guilt. For the last 7 years, I have focused on my son. I now look at things in a slightly different way. I feel blessed that i've been given a chance to become a Mum. I feel extremely lucky to have him, (hard as it is). I'm not knocking counselling in anyway of course.
I didn't think I would ever give that information out about myself, so I guess this group is therapy in itself for me. Do you see what I mean?
Hope you're having a good day.
Take care
Alison
x
Yes, it IS a sort of group therapy, deciding what to share and knowing that there is the safety of support here. Which there is..... :D
Dear all,
I am glad to hear that I am not alone, my ex and me have been split up for seven years. He has engraved slag on my front door, kicked my front door in twice, been violent to me on numerous occasions, bad moths me in front of our seven year old son, doesn't contribute financially towards him, called social services on me numerous times, my son is now on at risk register due to his violence. I have had an injunction against him been to court twice, once he got guilty of common assault, second time he got not guilty as his solicitor smeared my character saying I am an alcholic. I find this very difficult as he is at the moment stil harrassing me, he has suppervised visits every saturday for four hours and didn't turn up to the last four visits and he is so immature that he doesn't care this is all hurting his son just wants to get to me. Currently he is taking me to court for a contact order for overnight contact as social services have concerns as he tested positive for a drugs test.
Feel like getting a move and just disapearing
Marianne
Hello marianne
Wow what an ongoing nightmare for you, and how nonsensical that your boy's father does not turn up for the last four Saturdays and then asks for overnight contact. it is difficult to stay strong during all this but your main concern must be your boy and his welfare. Sadly, some parents can view their child as the perfect weapon with which to attack their former partner and it sounds as if this is what is happening here. No wonder you feel like running away! However, from the information you give it does seem unlikel that he will succeed in his court action, so try to stay steady for your son.
There's lots of support here for you :) so do keep posting
Hi SUEKATZ, if your partner is abusive about you in front of the children and vents his emotional anger out on them, it is completely understandable that you want to tell them exactly what you think of him, but the children need to know that they are safe and secure with you and at least one of their parents is in control.
Try and talk to them about it, how it makes them feel and then maybe you can express how you feel, you could try things like "when Daddy does this, it really upsets me" or "calling names really hurts my feelings" Its not Daddy you are angry with its his behaviour.
If the children have grown up in an abusive environment they may not be able to tell what is right and wrong and if you slag Daddy off, they are then put in a position to figure out where their loyalties lie.
You are in control of their lives now, you can't keep covering for him, they need the truth to grow into honest adults, not be on the receiving end of your fury and anger at him. They will soon learn the truth for themselves.
Tell One Space how angry he makes you feel, you can spill it all out here, just save the children from it.
Take Care and keep in touch. :)
PS. Have a look at some of our articles in our Abuse and Violence section of the site.