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Hi Marianne
Thank you for your post and welcome to Onespace. I hope you can get the support you are looking for here? And I hope you find other like minded people here to share experiences and support with. You might want to look around the site as there is lots of interesting and relevant info here especially in Abuse and Violence section.
I don't know if you have come across the Freedom programme? It is all about domestic violence and abuse and might be of interest to you.
Alison is right about trying to stay strong and steady during this next court case and keeping notes of his interaction with your family or the times when he has failed to show up for visits so you have all the relevant info at your finger tips for use in court if you need to.
Do you have any support around you from friends and family?
Good luck C-L
Dear all,
Thanks for the messages of support, I was in a very low mood yesterday because of all this. It is very difficult to deal with when you are trying your best to do the best you can for your child, I work full time so I get very tired of these mind games, he called me today on my mobile and said where was my car inplying he had done something to it which would not suprise, he is a very sad man who isn't working this week so to entertain himself will harrasss me with his stupid mind games, I just can't see an end to this situation and social services haven't been very helpful more or less implying that if this carries on my son will be emotionally damaged and I know what they are thinking, what if they then think my son would be better off not being with me, how do I get this to stop.
Don't mean to go on, my son was ill last night with terrible ear ache so didn't get much sleep maybe thats why this is getting to me today
Marianne
Hi marianne
Hope your son is feeling better today, the poor thing.
If I was you, I would start recording your ex's calls, and also the writing down in a book.I would also contact the police and see if they can perhaps step in. Social services have your son's best interests in their sight, and I can't see why they would take him away from you. It's not you that has any problems, it is the ex.
You are right, the man is sad, but it is also very worrying if you think he is capable of doing something to the car. Your safety as well as your sons is at stake.
I am not surprised you are feeling low, but keep posting for support ok.
Take care
Alison
x
yes, marianne, we are all here to give you support ;)
Hi Marianne
How is your son's ear today? How are you feeling after a better nights sleep? Ireally feel for you as it is the emotional abuse that is so wearing and really messes with your head so in reality he still is able to haunt you even after the split and the injunctions. I think it is a good idea to record the calls and make notes of every interaction you have with him. Keep mobile phone records too if you can and also get the police involved and use all this evidence as proof that he is still harassing you. Would you ever thing of moving elsewhereto be able to get further away from him? I know that access to your son is an issue as you mentioned supervisied visits but it is your and your son's mental health that is of utmost importance.
Do you have much support around you?
Do you know about the Freedom programme?
There may be a local group that you could attend that might be able to offer some support face to face.
let us know how you get on.
C-L
Dear Claire Louise,
Thank you for your post, my son is fine now and back at school. I have a case conference with social services on the 19th November 2009 to see whether my sons stays on the at risk register or not. I have recently had to go for an alchol and drugs test requested by social services as he says I take drugs and am a alcholic (not worried about this as I am neither), what gets to me is due to his malicious claims I have to take time off work which my employers aren't too happy about to prove that nothing is going on and a meeting once a month with social workers, He has had a drugs test which was positive ( laughable really isn't it).
I will look for groups as I feel so angry that I work full time, support me and my son financially and do the best I can but constantly get criticised by him.
He undermines my parenting skills constantly, what worries me if he does he get parental responsibilty this is just another way of controlling me, I have moved once from near where my mum lives to somewhere else after having moved there, 1 year later he got a move to the same place (imagine how shocked i was at that).
Also I am still waiting to hear back from legal aid as I sent off the forms and heard back that I earn £7.44 too much each month to get it, this is all stress I could do without. I am appealing against that at the moment.
I am surprised I am still holding it together to be honest.
Marianne
Hi Marianne,
Since my last posts I am feeling somewhat better but want to reassure you as best I can. My ex - has regularly said I am an unfit mother and has called me an alcoholic to the courts, CAFCASS and has phoned social services. My support worker has told me this is very common and social services are very aware of men that do this out of vindictiveness. After I was told I was very high risk , a marac meeting was held involving social services, the police etc. and my worries were raised and I was given reassurance. With his history of his behaviour towards you and with injunctions in place it will be clear to the courts what is happening. It is very hard when having to live through this day after day, year after year as I know all too well, but as was posted - write down all messages, phone calls etc. I have had 3 years of almost continuous harrassment and abuse with 50+ phonecalls and texts every day and night and at first did nothing but when they were documented and logged, they were presented to the court and the police are now aware of the situation. Harrassment is a criminal offence and is emotional abuse. It is very hard and scary but once it is logged and people are aware it does bring some sense of relief. I am awaiting another phonecall regarding another breech of his injunction and he is now involving family members in his little games but ultimately, these men are weak, cowardly bullies and we musn't let them beat us. If you have coped with this all this time, you are stronger than you think. I understand totally what you are going through and I hope my posts of my experiences have helped you to see you are not alone. It is hard enough bringing up children alone without extra stress you do not need.
Myself, I am still quite down but getting better by the week so thank-you all for all your support
Much love,
C x
Hi Marianne and catarratto
It's great to hear that you are both holding it together, and doing so well despite all that is going on in your lives. I agree with the social services about men and women doing this out of vindictiveness. It is pure nastiness, and speaks volumes about the individual. I hope you two continue to stay strong for the children and yourselves.
Take care, and be safe
Alison
x :)
Hello marianne and cattratto
Just to echo what alisoncam has said: Well done! it is so difficult to keep strong under that pressure and you WILL get there in the end. Sending you lots of strength...
Hi Marianne and Cattratto
Thank you for your posts and I hope you are both getting support from each other on this. It is a really difficult time for both of you but it is good to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel as professionals do toke notice once you can present them with all th evidence and keep battling away at it. I know it must feel very draining and tiring as looking after children and working is tiring enough, let along with these additional stresses and hassles and being undermined on top of it all.
Yes these people are weak and must feel insignificant in some ways - like school bullies really because they do not feel in control, they exert themselves in other, inappropriate ways. I hope you can keep strong and see this through.
I hope you can get support from this site and that might help to give you that extra bit of strength you need. let us know if you have any joy with local groups regarding the Freedom programme and good luck.
C-L
Dear all,
He said he would do something to my car, got back from work today and my wing mirror has been ripped off, oh well will have to get it fixed but a bit skint at the minute. I have gone beyond getting angry about things like this, what a loser is all I can say. It is pathetic, I drive his son to school in my car looks like we will have to walk, anyway me and my son are safe and happy so he can sod off, thanks for the messages, I feel like I am on a losing battle here, will have to hide my car somewhere so nothing else gets done to it. Going to go to bed now in a bad mood. :?
Marianne
Not surprised you were in a bad mood! Have you got a record of the threat anywhere? Text message etc? In the meantime it is a good idea to hide your car.
There will always be help and support here and I hope it gives you that extra boost to get through
Marianne
Oh how annoying and frustrating for you. What is he hoping to achieve? I am also not surprised you are annoyed by his continuing harrassment. If you do have a record of the threat, then I would suggest photographing the car and going to report it to the police. In the menatime hide the car and walk if you can.
Keep coming back here for moral support and words of encouragement.
Cheers C-L
Marianne,
I think you should tell the police about this incident. I put off doing it for ages but do it now because I have to in the hope he will get tired of the police appearing at his house regularly and he will eventually leave me alone. He has breeched his injunction 3 times now but gradually, since his breeches his phonecalls, texts and appearances at my house have reduced. It has taken over 3 years but I think finally it may be getting through. I am now no longer present at contact handover so this reduces some stress for me although he has a history of 'flaring up' and becoming abusive to whoever is there. His 3rd breech is court pending and he may be aware there is a real risk to his liberty which is why he is behaving himself at the moment. My point is, don't be afraid to get the police involved. Alot of emotions go through your head when this is done or certainly did for me. I felt I was betraying him, felt guilt, fear and also felt we should be able to sort these sort of things out amongst ourselves, but in reality, men like this are not reasonable human beings. You have to protect yourself, but ultimately you have a right as a human being to live your life as you wish and not worry about what you should do in your daily life for fear of how he will behave.
Much love
C x
Hi Marianne
I really echo what catarratto has said especially the bit about your human rights- get the police involved each time and keep a record of everything that goes on however small.
Good luck and keep coming back here for support.
Cheers C-L
Hi guys I have been away, just catching up with the posts
Catarrato - you now have someone else doing the handover, thats great! I bet it makes a huge difference to your life, not having to see him.
marianne - keep going girl, this might feel like this is forever, but it won't last, but you do need to document EVERYTHING, every last detail and find as much support from agencies as you can. If he sees that you aren't going to put up with it anymore, they do tend to shrink into the background and then only rear their ugly heads once in a while, by which point you will have moved on emotionally. ;)
Have you ever actually said 'NO' to contact'??
My ex was doing the whole contact centre thing, still coming to my house though during the week, grafittiing, not turning up at the centre, then requesting overnight access. Basically just playing silly bu**ers, with no consideration for anyone but his self, I soon got someone else to do the handover and kept well out of his way, ignoring texts, the doorbell etc, and by having that little bit of space, after years of not wanting to be seen as a controlling woman or playing god. I wanted my little girl to have a wonderful relationship with her dad (yeah right!!) and maybe it was all my fault that he was so messed up (yadda yadda), I realised I am the one responsible for her, he is not behaving to my liking and she is not old enough to know what is right and wrong. So I went back to my solicitor and 'NO MORE CONTACT'
He didn't push it! So he didn't see her for a year or so, then tried to take me to court again, luckily by that point self confidence, self esteem and self respect was at an all time high, so was able to deal with it much better!
You are not alone, 1 in 4 women experience abuse of some sort in their life. We are here for you. :)
Dear all,
Thank you for your messages of support, I am feeling in a much better place right now, if he wants to carry on his rubbish let him, all i can do is protect myself and my son, I think I have really started to believe that all this isn't my fault and these are his issues, because really everything he says about me are exactly his faults therefore whenever he says anything about me he could very well be talking about himself, Rubbish mother (rubbish father) etc etc etc
This is how I get through all this, my son has been taking off the at risk register and there only concern is him as he has tested positive for drugs isn't it funny after him called them all the time to say what a s**t mother I am, he is one who tested positive not me.
Anyway I am looking forward to xmas, if he thinks he is going to wear me down he has another thing coming.
Marianne x
Hi Marianne
Glad things seem a bit better.
I hope you have a brilliant Christmas. :)
Hi Marianne
Good to hear back from you and great to hear that you are feeling much more positive and in control of your situation. Did you make any enquiries about the Freedom programme? Is there anything running in your area? It sounds as if it could be of use to you and really help you get the control and confidence back in your life. I know you mentioned before about him undermining your confidence in your parenting skills etc so it is really good that you are recignising that all that he says actually reflect his issues not yours. Youare doing a great job! I know that the Freedom programme helps women with realising the tactics that men like this use.
Have a great xmas with your son and enjoy your shared time together!
Cheers C-L
Hello Marianne
I am so glad that you are feeling so strong and focused after all you have been through. That is fantastic news, well done you, and as you say in the end you have been proved right.
Take care and wishing you and your son all the very best, do keep in touch :D
Hi Marianne
Its great to hear you sounding so strong. It can be so wearing and painful, hurtful and scary, but it sounds as if you are resolute in your decision to get on with the rest of your life and leave all that rubbish behind. :)
Keep looking for a Freedom programme ;)
Are you ready for Christmas? I watched the Gavin and Stacey Xmas special from last year and that really put me in the mood!!
hi all,
I've having a bit of a bad week. I'm feeling very bitter towards my ex at the moment. I am struggling financially, he pays nothing towards our daughter's upkeep and things are so tight I can't aford to buy her clothes that she is rapidly growing out of. He walks around in new ones. I feel stressed due to family court proceedings and a hearing coming up due to a breech of non-mol. I am exhausted due to lack of sleep and never having anytime for myself and feel very angry that he seems to be getting on with his life without a care in the world. He has a 'new' partner (not so new really - they were at it behind my back), that he may as well have become involved with in the first place instead of me; in which case he wouldn't have caused the misery to my life that he did, he appears at court being cocky saying 'bloody women dragging you here' and making 'humorous' jokes about court being his 2nd home. He has absolutely no insight and remorse about what he has put me and my children through and frankly doesn't care. I don't want him to be happy - I want him to be as upset and traumatised as he has left me. I have lost a stone and a half, sleep very little and fear i am becoming bitter which I do not want to do. I am scared of the future and how I will cope financially. I am also feeling desperately lonely at the moment even though I have friends and it is hard to bear. Maybe it's all part of the 'getting over it' syndrome. I have gone from 4 years of constant harrassment and abuse to nothing and as sick as it sounds you sort of get used to it. I wish I had been more selective when I met him and might have been with somebody decent now. I just want to feel settled and secure and yet again I've made a complete balls of it.
Sorry for the self - pity, had to get it out. I am starting to feel like I am going slightly mad :(
I doubt you're going mad.
I think that is one thing that is difficult about seeing the "ex" when you're out and about. Yes, he's choosing not to care and live a care-free life - and no, you can't do a thing about it, I'm afraid.
I totally understand where you're coming from.
It's so easy to get focused on the "ex" every now and then. If you can focus on your children, and somehow not dwell on him. Believe me, I do focus on The Git quite often too.
I am bitter and I'll never forgive him for what he's put the children and me through. But that is the only part of my life I'm bitter with - I hope.
I accept that he chooses not to be responsible for the children, and I accept I'm on my own with my lot and have no support. I also focus on having as much fun with my lot as I can.
Sending you loads of hugs.
Be kind to you. If you can, try to accept that you will always be mad, and try and keep it in a box in your mind - it sort of works for me, just now and then the lid comes off and I do come here for a rant!
I hope you and the children have a lovely Christmas.
Don't give him a thought.
Hi Catarratto
Sorry to hear you have been having a hard time. What with lack of sleep (which is a form of torture) and the stree of the court case. I agree with Sparklinglime that if you can, try to shift your focus away from your ex and try to focus on what you do have with your children. You could try making a list of all the positive things you have going in your life at the moment and stick it up somewhere that you will see it daily (like the fridge).
You mentioned being really tired - are you not sleeping well? If so, do you know why this is? Can you do anything to try to help with this? I really recommend camomile tea or 'sleep easy' tea before bed but warm milk is also really recommended. Try to read a book rather that watch TV as TV is said to be a stimulant (even if it is really dull programmes that you are watching!) Do you get to do any exercise during the day as that can really help with sleep at night time, some exercises before bed (yoga is good and you can find it in youtube). Can you children help you with chores etc if you have lots to do?
In terms of the way you are feeling, do you think it would help talking to someone about it - like a counsellor? You might be able to access one through your GP surgery. Or you could look for something in your local area. it does sound like you are frustrated and angry with the situation you are now in and although coming on here for a good rant might do the trick for some people, for others more input might be needed.
How are you feeling today? Have the comments you have had back been of use?
Keep in touch
C-L
Thanks C-L and sparklinglime,
I'm very up and down really - I have thoughts and questions about everything and then don't think about it for a while. I'm sure in time thinking about the situation will diminish now things are quieter.
I am not sleeping due to the stress and worry of court hearings and just not being able to close anything. I have seen my G.P. and have been prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping tablets which I am still reluctant to take. I have been referred for counselling and am awaiting this.
I'm sure things will get better - I have been accepted for a new job and am awaiting start date after CRB clearance. Once I'm back at work and feel like I'm moving a little bit it might give me something else to focus on. Being at home all day certainly gives you time to dwell on things.
I know I am lucky in that I have family and friends and some people go through alot worse than me and some people have no-one, so I will try to stay positive and not obssess!!
I have 3 children I am immensley proud of and who are becoming well rounded, human beings. One is a brill sportsman, the other is going to grammar school and my youngest seems pretty happy at the mo. Needless to say, without wanting to blow my own trumpet, I have brought them all up as a single parent, with input from their fathers as and when it suits. I think I need to remember this, and all other women who do the same.
Thanx for all your support and LETS STICK TOGETHER!!!!
Much love,
C x
Wow cataratto, you have some really big changes going on in your life at the moment. Change is stressful, even positive change :) like your new job. I imagine it must be difficult for you to relax, not just because of the court thing but also the change in your former partner's behaviour....it is almost as if, however badly he behaved, you sort of knew how to deal with him, but when it all just "stops", you are left in limbo even though it is a relief that it has stopped.
The positive focus is a great idea and you can build on that by thinking of one positive thing about each day, as you get ready for bed and maybe do some of the things that Clare=Louise has suggested, you could also name one positive thing. In this way, you can build a sense of achievement.
I do hope you can enjoy the run up to Christmas and "contain" your feelings ready for the counselling. You're right: we are all in this together, in our different ways
Hi cataratto
Good luck with the new job. I'm sure you're looking forward to that.
You feel proud and blow that trumpet loud. You have achieved so much.
I'm not sleeping at the mo. No idea why, really :roll: Yet wake up and am too tired to read.
I hope today is a good day for you. :)
Hi Catarratto
Good to hear from you and thank you for your post. I can understand about the worry over the forth coming court case and the various changes that are going through.
It is really good to hear you have a new job imminent - well done you! Although the unknown can also lead to stress so try to breathe and accept tjhat what will be will be and we can't control the outcome of many things but if we think positively then positive things are more likely to happen. I hope the CRB clearance comes through soon and you an get stuck in to your new job. As you say, once you have something different to focus on, that can help in terms of moving on and not dwelling on the stressful issues so much. Do you have start date? How many hous will you be doing? Is it a new career or something you have done before?
I am also glad to hear that you do have some support from friends and family as that is nor always the case. I hope you are able to call on them when you need to as that is what they are there for?!
And even better to hear you have 3 great children - trumpets are great things so please feel free to blow yours whenever you want to. Your children are a real credit to you so if they are great then you are great too and even greater the fact that you have had to do it alone and through some tough times at that. BLOW BLOW BLOW TRUMPET TRUMPET TRUMPET and CELEBRATE CELEBRATE CELEBRATE - that is what christmas is all about although you can do it any time of the year.
As for the sleeping diffculties - you could try some relation type stuff. I have recommended this website before as you can download mp3s to play.
www.contemplatethis.org/category/yoganidra/
Another technique is to try some breathing cycles, so you breathe in for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 7 and breathe out slowly for a count of 8. keep doing that till you drop of or stop if you start to feel light headed and then you can start again after normal breaths. I have started to have a cup of camomile tea before bed and sleep like a log whereas before I was a very light sleeper!
Good luck
C-L
Hello there im new to the site but am in need of support.I have been reading alot of the posts and its so lovely to see the genuine support here.
I split from my emotionally and occassionally violent husband eight years ago would you believe.It was only last October i actually realised what had been happening after i watched a programme on DV.
We have two children now aged 13 and 10.He went on to marry the woman he had an affair with and they are both now getting at me through the children.Ive spent years battling depression and now i have very bad fibromyalgia which has meant me giving up work.Fibro incase you dont know is a nasty illness affecting your joints and muscles and causes severe pain along with extreme fatigue.It has been since getting my diagnosis that ive realised things have got to change.
I've had the feeling for years and years that i had been replaced because i was faulty,i had post natal illness with both the children and my ex was appalling throughout so i took along time to recover and as i was getting better from the second bout i found out about his affair which had gone on for nearly a year.I wont go into detail but how i survived it all i will never know.My biggest mistake was to allow him to have the children every weekend but i was so low i would have agreed to anything to get him away from me.
I feel like i just dont exist that i am an annoyance that they want to get rid off,his family immediately switched over to her and i was forgotten even though i am the mother of his children but on the other hand they were a rotten lot anyway.
Omg i could go on and on over the things that have happened but basically he still thinks he is in charge,he tells the kids what they can and cant do in my house,that i dont clean their clothes properly,care for them properly,spend enough money on them,as he gives me alot of maintenance money he thinks he owns us.They have now started arranging to have their haircut as my hairdressers isnt good enough,they buy their school uniforms as i dont buy enough,they have been arranging eye tests etc totally over my head.Then things came to a head about a month ago when he came along to my daughters options evening at school even tho i had made it plain i wanted no contact with him.He was foul,thats the only way i can describe it,he told her what subjects she would be doing and that was the end of it.When i got home i was feeling physically sick from being near him.I just knew the time had come to do something.The following weekend he subjected my daughter to a load of verbal abuse because she hadnt taken the options paperwork with her that wekend and he said he was going to drag her back to my house to get it.That was it,i made an immediate call to the solicitors and got the ball rolling.I stopped all contact immediately and the police served him with an harrassment order.Since then he has not been allowed to contact me or the children and there have been many very angry letters through his solicitors ordering me to start contact again and threatening to take me to court and gain custody of the children as he is concerned about their welfare and i am so glad i have it down in black and white as i have known for years this is what he has been after by trying to belittle me at every opportunity,i havent been going mad!!!
I have just made an offer of contact to him which i am sure he will turn down as he is expecting everything to go back to normal,will not accept any responsibilty for what he is doing,pretty much as expected really.
So that is where i am at,sometimes pretty scared witless incase he does go after custody,sometimes feeling pretty empowered because ive taken this step to change my life.I've got quite alot of support,local womens aid group as part of a buddy scheme,my solicitor,a couple of very good friends who have been through similar and my lovely mum but i dont think you can ever get enough support when things get rough so here i am.
Ali xxx
Hi alihud
Welcome to One Space. Can I just say that I think you are an extremely strong woman. It sounds like you've been through so much, depression, fibromyalgia, plus your ex. I have to add that I think he sounds very controlling. It is fantastic that you have written it all down, and as you say, you have it all in black and white.
Its also brilliant that you have a lot of support, friends and 'your lovely mum'. How are your daughters doing with not seeing their dad at the moment?
It must be scary for you sometimes, and your ex has had so much 'control', but you have now 'taken charge' so to speak. You should be so proud of yourself.
Keep posting, and more people will be along at some point to welcome you.
Take care, look after yourself
Alison
x
Hello alihud
You are very welcome here! There is plenty of support and I do hope you will feel at home.
Wow, where on earth did you find that strength from, to get through as you have? I have a dear friend who has suffered with Fibromyalgia for years so I know how debilitating it can be.
I don't think it was a "mistake" to agree to contact between your children and their dad. It was early days and ideally it would have benefited everyone. I agree with alisoncam's comment about "control". It sounds as if he has systematically tried to bulldoze his way through everyones' lives.
So now you have decided to put a stop to it all. You say that he is threatening to go to court. The harrassment order you have in place will support your point of view. Also, if there is eventually a court case, CAFCASS (court welfare officers) will get involved and will at least listen to your 13 year-old as to her wishes.
It's great that you are getting a support network in place. I hope you feel we can be a proper part of that
Stay strong, and we are here for you
Dear alihud
Congratulations to you for where you are today. You have been on a huge journey and it sounds as though you are embarking on a new one to finally change all that you can.
If his family don't appreciate or respect you and you feel that they are a rotten lot, hopefully them leaving you alone is for the best. I actually feel sorry for his new partner, she must be going through a horrible time, he won't be any different with her than he was with you, I can assure you. She chose to sleep with another womans husband, which in my eyes in bad enough, but at least in the long run, it got him away from you!
I absolutely agree that now is the time to reach out for as much support as you can, I did when I got to the end of my tether and through all that reaching out, I gradually rebuilt my life and have never looked back. So again good for you!
It is good that you have gone to the solicitors and got the ball rolling, I know what you mean about it being nerve racking, but you have done the best thing, not just for yourself but for your children too. It is a well known fact that abusive fathers start on their daughters as they hit teens. Just another person for them to control.
I am so glad you have a good support network around you. I am interested to know how he responds to your offer of contact. Is that what you want?
I went through the one of the hardest decisions of my life when I actually told my solicitor that I wasnt prepared for him to have any contact. I felt awful, but my gut told me it was the only way to protect my daughter. He took me to court and the CAFCASS officer (as Louise spoke of), met with my daughter, she wasn't sure if she wanted contact. The Courts then said he COULD have contact if he admitted to all the things he had been found guilty of, but he didn't, so lost the case. So sad, so rather than just own up and then see his daughter and nuture their relationship, he threw it all away because of his ego.
Mind you, unfortunately he didn't completely disappear, we still have to deal with him occassionally!
How are your children coping? Although he seems to be very damning of you to them, do they see through him and protect you, or do they behave like he does? Are they showing you respect?
Hello from me too.
Sending you continued strength.
I hope the children are doing ok are more settled too.
Best wishes
Hi I wondered if anyone had any advice about dealing with an abusive ex partner and his wife......calling my parents and telling them about things I do in my life. Both are members of the police and use it against me and I cannot deal with the abusive text messages and threats.....help and advice needed.
Many thanks to anyone who may be able to help.
Hi elle1974
I've no idea with this one, but hopefully someone will.
Somehow you need to find a way of keeping a record of what's going on, and if any texts or emails are sent then keeping them (you can download text messages onto a computer with a lot of phones). When you have the evidence approach a senior officer?
I really can't think of anything else to suggest, sorry.
Hi elle1974
I agree with sparklinglime and would like to maybe suggest that you see a solicitor about it all? It cant be easy for you and them being members of the Police makes it more intimidating for you.
If you have a dictaphone or can borrow one that could prove useful as a means of capturing conversations.
I hope that your parents are supportive of you, do they react to the calls, maybe again a suggestion of no reaction, no satisfaction, I once used that when an ex girlfiend of my then partner told me that she had slept with him the night before, I looked her straight in the eye and said yes I know all about that and then smiled, she was completely baffled and never pulled that particular stunt again, just might be worth a try for your mum and dad that no matter what they are told to just be assertive and just say oh yes, thank you we already know about that and then wish them a good day and goodbye, not easy to do but if they are not getting the reaction then they will get bored hopefully and it will stop happening.
I do hope it all gets resolved for you xxx
Hello elle74
I understand it makes it much harder if they are policfe officers themselves!
I think the key to it is how your parents react. If it is upsetting them, they have every right to take out a complaint for harrassment. Changing their number would also be an option, they could speak to their phone provider, who will have a procedure for nuisance calls. It might be worth you sending a short letter to your ex (keep a copy) saying "I am aware that you and your new partner have been in contact with my parents to make allegations about me. If this continues, the calls will be recorded and the matter referred to a senior officer" Do not say that you or your parents are upset or anxious at all.
You also mention "abusive text messages and threats". As has been suggested, keep a record of these and start a notebook now with the dates that things happen. What are the threats? Again, you could change your mobile number but if you need a number for them to contact you on re the chidren you could add a bit to your letter (above) saying "With regard to the text messages I have been receiving, I have now got a new SIM card and will only be using the old SIM card during the time the children are with you" That is another thing to think about: how often do they have the children and what issues are there around that? Could that be their agenda. because they are upset about something to do with the kids? If you can think of what their motive might be for this behaviour then you might be able to find a way forward.
Hello
I am new here and was wondering if anyone is posting here as the last post I can see was in 2009
thanks
Lot's of people posting around here : )
Hello.
Hello mgf1953
People are posting here every day, so do please join in, it might be that you can see that a topic STARTED in 2009?
Anyway how are you? Would you like to share your story with us?
Hi all,
Myself and my children are still working through the post traumatic stress of domestic abuse that lasted years. The abuse of myself took many forms - physical, verbal, emotional, betrayal of trust. You put up with it for many reasons - the hope that things will get better again. the children will have the ideal family again, and you are convinced (by the ex) that you deserve this treatment, therfore it isn't even abuse.
I fought back in the end. Stood up for myself and voiced what was unacceptable. I have many regrets about what my children suffered as witnesses, but sometimes you have to admit your own inability to endure any more. My ex thought the children should live in an honest environment that amounted to my flaws and genuine faults being unvailed to the children. I always felt it was wrong to drag them into the problems between ourselves, but I was aware they were very harmed by the toxic environment they were now being raised in. I think the fact it had once been a loving family made this harder for them to understand.
After the split I made the decision that it would be best for my children, who are young teenagers, to know and understand some of the things that had happened that caused problems in the relationship and this included their fathers domestic abuse. aswell as my part in the problems.I acknowledged that there were reasons for his behaviour, but not excuses. I did not want my children, girls and boys to do as I has done and make excuses for abusive behaviour. I also wanted them to live in a more open and honest environment which is initially a painful place to be, but, once everyone knows who and what they are dealing with they can build appropriate relationships. They may not always like the dynamics of these relationships, but they can trust what they are.
I regret some ways in which I opened up to them, but I think if it can be done in a controlled manner it is probably more helpful to children in the long run than just dropping the subject and moving on before you even know what you have left behind.
best wishes to you
Hello T
I agree that it is best to discuss these things with children, in an age-appropriate way. The alternative would be to brush it under the carpet and then it festers away. I understand that you regret what they witnessed but if you can talk about it, it can be resolved. Most importantly, you focus on the sort of relationships you want your children to have in the future. Bravo to you! How wonderful that you have been through all this and can be that strong, and give the benefit of your experience to others too.
Have you ever been involved in The Freedom Programme?
Hi T
How are your teenagers doing now? How are you?
Listen up girls,
There is no excuse for domestic violence. As a victim myself, a simple slap is the start of something for most of us. After you see the warning signs pack up and leave double quick or you'll be headed for a life time of misery especially if children come into the equation. If there are children there already the best thing do to is contact someone like Heartstone who deals with parents experiencing domestic violence. Forget the things in the house that can be replaced take a bag of clothing for the kids and yourself and get out quick. You can always get the police to go back with you later to ship out anything else, dont let anyone abuse you its learned behaviour to control you, demoralise you and crush any confidence you have left, once you have lost that it diffricult to pick yourself up because most time depression sets in. Quite frankly I've learned to fight back and I will kick some ass if you try that on my now. I've been learning self defence and continuing my education. Your life will only begin again when you take appropriate action. Don't stand for nonsense, God doesn't abuse use despite the fact that our nature is to sin and he made us so why should anyone else? Whatever is happening in you family does not just affect you, but your children, your unborn and those children will behaviour just like mummy and daddy, abusive, aggressive and create a cycle of abuse that will damage their lives and others. Dont be a wimp and sob in a corner, get up and get out, dont think about it just do it, even if you have not made plans on where to go, pick up the kids from school whether you have clothes or not and go to you local housing homeless centre or the police station and they will sort you out. Don't do it tommorrow because you partner may injury you so much you don't get another chance to consider what I'm telling you today.
Great post craigc, thank you.
I absolutely defend everything you say, except it is important to gather important documents, such as:
Without some of these, it may prove difficult to have proof of identity/ownership and it may not be possible to obtain them once you have left.
You may also consider collecting your spare house keys, a change of underwear for yourself and your children and your childs favourite toy.
I am probably not the first, and doubt I'll be the last but today I had an epiphany.... I came across a website about emotional abuse whilst researching the symptoms of depression and it couldn't have more closely described my relationship with the father of my (unfortunate) child.
Now my feelings and behaviour have started to make sense after all this time. One thing I still find difficult to understand though is... why do I feel I love him, when I know what he did was wrong and didn't show love towards me? If anyone can help to explain...
What I also find difficult is my son loves the man that deliberately abused me... how does one learn to live with that?
I don't understand why people choose to make others' lives a misery.
I am probably not the first, and doubt I'll be the last but today I had an epiphany.... I came across a website about emotional abuse whilst researching the symptoms of depression and it couldn't have more closely described my relationship with the father of my (unfortunate) child.
Now my feelings and behaviour have started to make sense after all this time. One thing I still find difficult to understand though is... why do I feel I love him, when I know what he did was wrong and didn't show love towards me? If anyone can help to explain...
What I also find difficult is my son loves the man that deliberately abused me... how does one learn to live with that?
I don't understand why people choose to make others' lives a misery.
hi thinks-she-is-g...
I'm very new to this site so i dont know your story or if you have even shared it on here, mine is in the introductions topic under the thread 'hi i'm new - time for a fresh start' if you fancy a peek.
I am also struggling with the fact that i have some feelings for an ex partner who is abusive and sometimes when i'm not being sad or scared or angry with him i actually miss him!! how crazy is that when the things that partners like that put us through is unforgivable and terrifying, they do not deserve our love, loyalty, trust or compassion in my opinion, they took advantage of our nature and used that against us to keep us in the relationship for longer than perhaps we should of been.
From the sounds of it you were in this relationship for a number of years as you both have a son together who is obviously old enough to express his feelings about his father so it must be even harder to put all that history behind you, of course you will still have a sence of feelings and hopefully these will diminish in time. How long is it since the relationship ended?
Stay strong
Ali x
Hello thinks she is g.....
Welcome to One Space.
Don't forget you can't just turn your feelings on and off like a light switch. It takes time for the things that your head KNOWS to become the things your heart FEELS.
Have a look at our free online course The Freedom Programme. This will help you work through your feelings.
As for your son, it is natural for a child to love its parents, even if we may judge that the other parent so does not deserve it. Have a look at our article about this. Children make up their own minds in time and it is hard to just stand back and watch, yet that is what we have to do.
Hi marianne
You are definately not alone. Can't imagine how you've coped with all of this for the last seven years. Its laughable to think he is taking you to court again, when he hasn't bothered turning up for the last 4 weeks.
I know someone who goes through much the same thing as you. Her ex wasn't violent, but it seems, everytime he has a 'blip' in his life, he then starts court proceedings against her. At the moment, she is going through the courts because he has decided he wants one of the children to live with him. The child is now 15, and he hasn't been in their lives at all since the children were small. He rarely sends birthday cards etc, and then thinks he can disrupt lives by taking it to court. She also is involved with social services because he has made allegations.
So, no, you aren't alone, and One Space is a place where you come and get advice and lots of support. Just to able to write it all down I feel helps.
Stay strong for your son, and of course for yourself.
Take care
Alison
x :)