This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
This site is an archive of the OneSpace Forums. Return to forum index.
Hi, I really feel awful saying this but i want to put my kids up for adoption, they are 21 months and 4 years old.
A bit of background on the situation i got married at 22 and got pregnant on the honeymoon, my husband seemed nice at first before he found out i was pregnant then he started being mentally and physically abusive so i split with him whilst i was pregnant with my daughter and went back to my mums.
I got back with him after the baby was born as i thought things would change and they did for a bit (in this time i managed to get pregnant again) we split again in this pregnancy and got bk together just b4 my son was born so i then hed a newborn and a 1 year old, again things where fine for a while and he said he wanted another baby and that would complete our family so i got pregnant again.
I had the baby Oct 2009 i then had a newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old. I found it very hard to bond with the baby, the relationship between me and my husband deteriorated further, i was so low i tried to kill myself on 2 occasions and ended up in psychiatric hospitals then i was diagnosed with post natal depression and soon after that with borderline personality disorder.
My husband then came out of work and had total control over me he said i was too ill to go out by myself and that he needed to watch me all the time, he even tried telling me all my family hated me and were aparently trying to turn me against him.
I started seeing a counselor after i started self harming as a way to release all the anger and pain i felt inside, she made me see that the relationship i had with my husband was unhealthy and that i needed to leave so i went back home that evening and told him i wanted to leave, he threatened to kill himself said he couldnt live without me but i tried to ignore him and keep with what i had said.
Then on wednesday 8th july 2010 i will never forget the date i said to him i wanted to go to my sisters round the corner to have a chat with her, he said if i went he wouldnt bath the kids so i said i will do it tommorow and told him that he was not goping to control me any longer.
I went round to hers stayed there from 8.30pm till 12.30am. He was waiting up for me when i got back in, he wanted to argue i didnt then he just flipped, threw me down the stairs, stabbed me 7 times and strangled me the 2 year old woke up came down and saw it all, i will not say too much about the incident as it still upsets me but in short he was convicted of attempted murder and sentenced to 10 years in prison.
I was in hospital for a week and when i got out i found it very hard to bond at all with the baby he reminded me so much of his dad and the other little one who saw it at this time was staying with my brother and his wife he needed someone to be able to be there for him because he was traumatised after what he saw and i wasnt physically or mentally strong enuf at the time.
I agreed to let my brother and his wife have a speacial guardianship order over him so he now lives permanently with them. I then moved into a refuge with the other two kids but i was so emotionally numb except for anger just anger towards everyone and everything, i could not bond with my children i didnt feel like i could love them.
The baby went into foster care in the november just after he was 1 as i was struggling so much i wanted to feel for him but i couldnt, he then came back to me in the february so i could give it a go and since then i have been really struggling with the two of them, i hate the fact that me keeping them keeps me tied to him for life and he has even put in a contact application to court now. I want to love them but knowing that he is there dad stops me. I feel like i have come to a point were i cant fight any longer the kids deserve a mother who can love them properly not a sorry excuse for a parent like me. Please i need some advice i just done know what to do.
Hi angel1984. Wow, no wonder your head is all over the place at the moment. You have been through a horrendous time, but you have shown you are strong, and you've survived it. This past year must have been an absolute nightmare for you, and i cannot possibly understand how you're feeling etc, in fact you're still going through a great deal. I can see what you're saying about the children reminding you of him, but it does come across in your post that you do love them. Have you spoken to a councellor again since the attack? I'm not sure where you would stand with regard to him having any contact. He is clearly a violent man, who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near his children.
I'm not being much help here I'm afraid, but please do keep posting here, as others will be along, and we can all offer our support, and try and help you through this
I do see a counsellor every other week but from the outside to every1 i look as if im copeing really well, the kids are dressed well, they are always clean and tidy and when im out at the nursery school etc i put on a happy face pretending to everyone that im fine and im copeing ok but im not really i just feel like crying all the time and i know iam not being a good parent, i dont kiss or hug the children and i dont look forward to picking them up from school or nursery sometimes i just wish i didnt have to pick them up. I know i sound really selfish maybe iam but i want to forget my ex husband and what he did to me and the mess he has made of my life and whilst i have the kids he is always there in my head even more so now he is pursuing contact. I do have a social worker who is a complete bitch so i dont tend to talk to her much. I just dont know what to do, the kids deserve a parent/s who love them and can treat them right.
angel1984, please don't be so hard on yourself, for all that you've been through, it's no wonder you're feeling as you do. The social worker, can you not ask for another? I don't honestly think anything is going to make you forget what he did to you, but you can move on and be happy again. It's going to take time of course, but you can do it. You don't sound selfish either, so don't think that. Perhaps with the children, take little steps, and one day at a time. For the first week maybe, hold their hand, second week a hug and so on. Don't let what this man did to you destroy the love you have for the children. They are part of him yes, but they are also part of you.
I think i resent them a bit because i never wanted any children and he talked me into having them, i know that is not an excuse as i should have my own mind but i i feel traped by them now as social services keep reporting everything im doing back to him he now knows were the kids go to school and nursey and what area i live in, i feel like i can never escape him he will be up for parole Nov 2015 and iam scared he will find me because of the kids. If i didnt have the kids he would never be able to find me.
Something I found with my children is that they are their own characters, and somehow how they come to be doesn't come into things when they're growing up. My lot are so different to each other...
Easy for me to say, I know.
As hazeleyes says, are you able to change social worker? You so need support.
What a git though pursuing contact after all the trauma caused. I just think the fact he's even allowed to is wrong.
Oh angel1984, thinking of you here.
If i were to decide on adoption what would be the process that i would have to go through?
I'm afraid I can't help you with that. I would have guessed that your social worker can help there?
Dear angel1984
You have been through hell, there is no other word for it. In time you might feel better about the children but I am getting the feeling from your post that a lot of your negative feelings towards them come from your your feelings about their dad...what he did to you, the fact that he wants contact with your children and you will be "linked" to him whereas you feel frightened and upset at the thought, I am not surprised!!!!
Have you had any legal advice about getting an injuction against him regarding the children? What I am thinking is that there appears never to have been a suggestion that a man who can try to kill you may also be a danger to the children. IF this would be recognised by law, you might start to feel a bit safer.
However, do not blame yourself if at the end of the day you really cannot go thorugh with it. The others are right: a social worker is the first port of call in the adoption process. Read this article. It might be that the children being in foster care for a further period could be an option, as it is less permanent than adoption and will give you the time you need to recover more fully. Although one of your children lives elsewhere, as it is with your brother you still have contact.
Good luck as you move forward, we are here to support you and for you to talk to.
I'm so sorry to read your story, but agree with the good advice given here..
It sounds as if you really need to be able to get yourself sorted out first, and as Louise says, fostering might be the way to go for now...
I understand how you feel about putting on a brave face and saying everything is fine, when you don't feel like that at all...but the positive thing is as you say, your children are well dressed and fed, so you must be doing something right.
We might not always say the right thing, but we are here to give you our support so you don't feel so alone...
At least it sounds like you have some family to support you too, which is a good thing.
Hi Angel,
I wish I had something really brilliant to say to you!
I do believe that really you do love your children and all the other issues are getting in the way. The way you are looking after them you are doing a really good job!
Check Louise's advice (she is rather good at it) and all your options before you make your decision.
Wishing you all the very very best - whatever you do! xxx
Hello again angel
Just found a really helpful booklet for you, click here to see it and order a copy, it is only £1 to buy.
Dear angel1984, you poor thing, what you have been through is horrific and I am shocked and saddened that you are not getting any more support other than counselling. Is this with womens aid? If so, you need to be honest with your counsellor about how you are feeling. If it isn't I suggest you contact Womens Aid right away on, to support you with the after effects of the violence you have experienced. You can also call them on 0808 2000247.
British Association for Adoption & Fostering has information if you are thinking about adoption.
Also this number is for birth parents who are giving their child up for adoption, they can offer you support and information.I think this is 9am - 5pm. After Adoption 0800 840 2020 Whatever you are feeling, please do not feel guilty, you need support to grow and heal and a helping hand with the children. Does your family know the extent of your unhappiness? Can they support you?
Hi Angel1984 you are not in any way at all a bad mum please dont think that, you have been to hell and back please remember that none of this was or is your fault and it isnt the childrens fault either and deep down you know all of this dont you xxx
I admire your honesty and your courage, it is NEVER an easy decision to give your children to someone else to take care of them for you, I wonder if you have talked any of this through with your family particularly your brother and his wife who seem to be supportive of you and are taking good care of your son, do have you contact with your son at all? I wonder if they or other family members could maybe take the children on a temporary basis for you so that you could have some "me" time which might help you see things more clearly and please dont think I am saying that you should or should not consider adoption its just that I feel you do have so much to offer to your children if you would give yourself the chance to and I dont want you to miss that chance if there is that possibility for you xxx
I will keep you in my thoughts and wish you all the luck in the world no matter what your choices turn out to be, you must make them for all the right reasons and do remember that you DO have choices xxx
Please do stay with one space, we are all here for you xxx
Hi angel1984
I forgot to add yesterday that we have another thread that you might be interested in: Alone and want to give my child up for adoption
Let us know how you are doing. I hope reading through the messages that have been left for you by other single parents, that you can recognise that you are in a very difficult emotional place right now. You need to seek as much help as possible to help you through this, for yourself and your children. Everyone believes with the right help and support you can get through this, whether you decide that adoption is right for you or not. But you definately need more support to help you get to a decision that you feel happy with.
A few people on these boards have felt the same as you, for different reasons, but the underlying thing seems to be low self esteem/confidence, a need for support and a break. Finding help with these things can make a world of difference.
Can you talk to your brother as tiredmum suggests?
Thankyou so much everyone for all your advice, i was afraid that people may judge me and think i am a bad person for considering adoption, i had a meeting with my barrister yesterday and told her some of my concerns as the case is in court next wednesday. She was very understanding and said my social worker should not have been passing on so much information to my ex husband like the kids schools, nurserys etc and they are going to bring that up at the hearing and also write to social services. She also said when it gets close to his Parole date that iam best to move out of the area and i will be able to get an injunction against him.
Hi angel1984. I'm so pleased that your Barrister has given you some positive information, and I do hope you're feeling just as positive knowing that she's on your side, and will do what she can to offer you and the children protection against this man. I cannot for the life of me understand why social workers have been passing on details to him. Please keep posting and do let us know how the court case goes. How have you been feeling since you last posted here? Nobody on One Space is going to judge you, no matter what decision you decide to take, so please don't think that 
Iam feeling a bit better today, i felt worse at the weekend as i stupidly decided to come off my anti-depressants but i have been the doctors and he said i have to take them again as iam not ready to come off them.
Iam feeling a bit better today, i felt worse at the weekend as i stupidly decided to come off my anti-depressants but i have been the doctors and he said i have to take them again as iam not ready to come off them.
At least you returned to the GP angel1984. When it's time to come off the anti-depressants, you're slowly weaned off them. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today anyway. What do you do during the daytimes?
Ive just started a college course which i go to wed,thur and fri and spend time with the baby mon and tue whilst my little girl is in school.
Ive just started a college course which i go to wed,thur and fri and spend time with the baby mon and tue whilst my little girl is in school.
Hi Angel,
I am so pleased to hear that your barrister is going to raise your concerns, nice to have someone in your corner isnt it xxx
Please stay positive, not sure if you have considered moving away and having a complete fresh start with your children? Is it worth asking your barrister if you were to do that could you change the childrens names which would give you even more protection, just a thought xxx
Hazeleyes is right, no one on here will judge you, what everyone here will do is support you all the way xxx
Glad you went to your gp, anti depressants can be really good when things seem so bad and in time you will come off them and will feel better without them xxx
Sending you a great big hug and thinking of you xxx
Angel, what college course are you doing, good for you for doing that, something for you xxx
An access course in Law and history, hopefully i will be able to go to university next september if i pass it all. What has happened to me made me more interested in Law and i hope eventually to become a solicitor or barrister.
An access course in Law and history, hopefully i will be able to go to university next september if i pass it all. What has happened to me made me more interested in Law and i hope eventually to become a solicitor or barrister.
Hi Angel,
you sound a lot more upbeat today! Well done for going back to your GP!
Your course sounds very ambitious: I think it's brilliant that you are aiming at going to university!
You have done fantastically well to pull yourself out of an untainable situation and get on with stuff! Good also that your barrister is being supportive of you. xxx
Angel, thats brilliant, well done, i`m sure you will pass with flying colours xxx
Hi
Loads of hugs. You do sound stronger today. Armed with information can help too.
Glad you've been to see your GP and glad that your barrister was supportive too.
Hello Angel
Hope that you are Ok today, and we are all here for you
Hi Angel. I'm sure you'll do brilliantly with the course, and again in Uni. I think that despite what you've been through, its fantastic that you're doing something like this. Well done you. How was college today? Does the little one go to a minder or daycare when you're on the course?
Finally angel1984, it sounds as though you have someone sensible in your corner. It sounds as though your barrister is very screwed on and as incensed as we have been over your situation.
I hope that having heard what she has said has given you some strength.
I know when my daughter was very small I used to contemplate adoption, I thought someone else would be able to provide a better home, more opportunities, keep her safe from dangerous people. But now I look back and recognise that my self esteem was at an all time low, my ex had knocked it all out of me, I thought I was worthless.
You sound as though you are a very sound person who has been through a hell of an experience and I think you will go far, regardless of whatever decisions you make.
How is your relationship with your mum? Is she supportive?
My mum and dad are both in their 70's so they can only offer very little support with the kids but my mum is always there 4 me to talk to about things.
The baby goes to nursery whilst iam in college, the college fund the place i just have to pay a small charge towards it.
I'm glad your Mum and Dad are there for you - even if it is "only" emotionally.
Hope you're doing ok, and really enjoying College.
xx
Hi angel1984, it's good to hear that you can talk to your mum, does she know how you are feeling towards the little ones?
That's brilliantt that you only have to pay a small charge for the nursery, I know of some people paying out extortionate amount for fees.
How are you feeling at the moment? Do you feel a bit better since starting this thread? Were going through a blip or are you still feeling that someone else would be doing a better job of parenting your children than you?
Hi angel1984, have you had any councelling for what happened to you ?
If he goes for contact ask the judge at court if it can be supervised in a contact centre as you fear for the childrens safty as one of the children witnessed the attack on you by him.
i hope you are doing beter than you was doing at the start of this thread hun and i am here if you need to talk.
Hi
My heart goes out to you, it really does.
What support are you having at the moment? Are you able to speak to your GP about how your feeling?
Do you have a social worker who is helping with your children?
I just feel as if you need to be able to speak to someone about the choices you have here.
You have been such through terrible, terrible things here, that somehow you do need a chance to recover too.
Anna and Louise are the parenting specialists here and I'm sure they will be able to give you some fabulous support, advice and links to help you here.
I'm not surprised that you don't know which way to turn.