this is not the nice or correct way to introduce ones self but I need someone to talk to about what im planning on doing with my baby.
I want to give my child up. The father disowned me and married someone new behinde mine and the other ladies back when i was 8 months pregnant.
yes your thinking jermery kyle yes im ashamed and ive been tough on my self to not cry and get on with it. I can say ive cried maybe about 7 times from pregnancy untill 16 months later.
I feel that if i just block out my emotions that i will be just fine. So I worked untill i was 8 months pregnat, took my baby home from the hospital by my self and the father still doest want to know especially as it nearly broke his me marriege up.
I think the worst thing about it was i was foolish to have the child for him as he begged and pleaded for me to keep the child and i done it!!!
then the change in him and yes he lived in france which didnt help.
I dont have his telephone number no more as he has changed it I dont have his address as he has moved and both his parents have passed away and he is not close with any member of his family.
Im not lost!!! from being an independant woman all my life to concentrating on money travelling and trying to stay sain loool I have now become a parent with no emotion! I breast fed, i travelled, I looked after myself and the baby and still do very well but now im done.
I am lonely to the point of no return ive been out twice since having my child, I have no close family or a best friend who i can rely on so this situation is getting too hard.
I want to work so badly or do a course but theres no childcare in my area.
I cant let no one know how im feeling as no one reley cares as for all my life ive never needed anyone as ive always been full indepent not needing no family or close friends or a man for that fact.
as long as i worked and loved n respected the people around me i was ok.
my child has been raised well and is very healthy and bright but i have never been able to bond with him I was too busy concentrating on how to provide for this child and how am i going to better my self for my child.
well ive come to realise i cant better my self as ive got so many things against me.
no job no training, family who dont really care and my child needs more than this.
as i cant give him what he needs. I was not loved by my mother and it effected me and i really dont want this for my child.
and thats the end of my intoduction. If people have negative comments i dont mind as do understand about somes peoples views about adoption and im sure i must have been one of those people once before.
Hello michellesmithuk
You are very welcome here, thank you for sharing how you are feeling, reading your post it comes across that you are absolutely exhuasted, doing all this on your own and with no support. It is really important to have friends around you and I could give you a load of tips about making those friends but I am thinking that that may come further down the line. The important thing now is how low you are feeling.
Many parents feel as you do (I know that might be hard to believe but it is true, it is just that people don't talk about it and I think they should!) There will be support and help available. Hazeleyes has given you some excellent suggestions: the GP and Health Visitor are your first ports of call. It sounds to me as if you have had to "block out" your emotions during the pregnancy and afterwards and as a result you have got so used to blocking out that it is hard to be any other way....especially if you had an unsatisfactory experience with your own mum. A counsellor could give you a lot of help but do please first reach out to your Health Visitor, there is no shame in admitting you are struggling as many of us do! Please do make that call today, and we are here for you too and can "hold your hand " through the process.
Let us know how you get on with the phone call 
Hi again michellesmithuk. Like Louise says, most of us do, and are, struggling. There is nothing wrong in admitting it either. I found this site a few years ago, and it's been wonderful. You come to realise that others find it hard too, just knowing others are/have been in the same boat really does help. None of us are perfect parents, we're human and we make mistakes. I've brought my son, now 8, up on my own. The father didn't want to be involved, and that suits me just fine. Yes, I struggle, and somedays I wish I didn't have to get out of bed, but we do. I hope you ring the GP/health visitor today, and don't forget we're here too. Take lots of care.
Hi
I'm sorry you're feeling alone and so isolated. I hope you do manage to speak to your GP or health visitor to talk things through.
Loads of virtual hugs.
Hi michellesmithuk. How are you doing today? Did you manage to get in touch with GP or health visitor?
hi there
this will be my fourth attempt of posting a reply, lets hope it works this time round
Great it worked!!
I would lik to first say thank you to everyone who replied it meant so much to me as it took me a while to even read them as i was very scared of the response i might get. I saw a Health visitor today and she said she thinks i might be suffering from depression, she didnt mention post natal depression but suggested i see my GP as soon as possible.
I might be seeing my GP this eveniong or tomorrow morning but to be honest I really dont think my GP can help.
I dont feel depressed I just feel I have created a terrible situation for my child and the only way to make his life better is for him to live with a new family. It does sound strange when I think of it and when im writing it but i really do believe that a life with me no real friends or family is not good for a child.
I dont know but I will update everyone after ive been to see my GP.
thankyou all so much for your time and your kind words.
Hi michellesmithuk. I'm so pleased that you've posted. I was wondering how things were going for you. It's great that you have spoken to the Health Visitor, and brilliant that you are seeing the GP. Have a good chat to them ok.
Can I also just say that I was on my own through the pregnancy, and have brought my son up on my own. I lived with my Mum when I was pregnant, (I was her carer). Sadly she died when C was just 2 and a half. I have no family to speak of, and like you, I was very concerned about C just really having me in his life. I loved him to pieces but felt so alone. Once he started nursery, he made friends and I got chatting to other Mums. In Reception, I formed some good friendships too. He is now in year 3, and yes, we are still on our own, and I don't see many people really at weekends, but he is extremely happy and I am too. Of course I have bad days, wishing things were different. Christmas time I find very hard too, but I make it as special as I can for C, and we have a great time.
You aren't the only one feeling as you do, you simply want the best for your child. Like I said on a previous post to you, nobody is going to judge you on here, but we would like to offer you support. Please let us know how you get on. Take care. xxx
Hello michellesmithuk
Hope you are well this evening. How did you get on with your appointment?
I understand that you are feeling that you are not offering your child much but maybe that is because you have been lonely and feeling so low. I remember feeling exactly the same with my youngest, he was a very difficult baby and I just felt that I must be doing something wrong as a parent, that it was somehow my fault.
Take care of yourself and hope we can carry on supporting you
Hi Hazel
thanks again for offering your support i so do appreciate it. I congratulate you on your success with your son and im so happy that you both are happy.
For me i think it is the fact that my pregnacy was not about being happy about being a mum or having a baby, it was soley about staying stress free,working hard and hiding away from people i know.
I now think i dealt with the situation so immaturely and I had no one to discuss my situation with. I still have a strong feeling of being ashamed and a disapointment to my son.
His father has never met him and has denied being his father to his family and friends. I have now reached the point of not even trying to understand why or how this has happened but all i do know is my child derserves more than this.
In my eyes I was happy and sucessful and positive about my future before becoming a mother but now??????
Hi michelle. There isn't any point in trying to understand why your son's father doesn't want to know. That's using your energy on something beyond your control, if you know what I mean.
Can I ask why during your pregnancy you felt you had to hide away from people you knew. You don't have to answer that by the way What job did you have before you fell pregnant?
What do you and son do during the day? Do you go to the park or anything?
Hi Michellesmithuk
I'm mamaoftwo - just wanted to say hi, I have read your posts and I hope you are feeling ok tonight.xx
Hi Hazel
I do agree with you about it being a waste of time thinking about why my childs father left but i really would like to understand some things to do with the situation, so I will try not to make the same mistake again.
As for hiding away! I was so ashamed of my situation and my mother was and still is which put added pressure on me then and now really.
I do take my child to baby groups and to my local parks and actually after the health visitor left today, I took him to a lovely small park but i have a garden which helps.
Hi michelle. That's good that you aren't being cooped up indoors too. Uhmm, do you like gardening? I love to see mine when the flowers are out, the weeds have gone, and the grass has been cut. Unfortunately I have to do all of that first, which is the downside hehe.
There is nothing shameful about being in your situation. It's sad that your mother has made you feel this way, and also sad that you don't have a good relationship with her. Do you have brothers or sisters? You said before that since having your son, you've only been out twice. Can the person who babysat then, perhaps give you a break every now and again? When you go to the toddler group or the park, do you chat to other Mums? You all have something in common, a child, so that's a good starting point.
Do let us know how you get on at the Drs today. Don't forget we're here to support you. Take care. xx
Good luck with the appointment, do be totally honest about how you feel and if you think this will be difficult, write it down briefly then you can either read it or just give the piece of paper to the doctor, this has worked for me in the past!
Please do not hide away, you have a lot to offer and you deserve to be happy, take it one step at a time
So glad you've posted.
Thinking of you, and hope the appointment goes well.
I really do think you're being incredibly brave.
Hi There
I will be honest I'm not one for chatting online but you guys are so kind so once again thank you so much. I have the doctors appointment at 4.10 today I will let you know how it goes but the bad news is im feeling worse!!!
I had a call from the social worker today saying they will make a visit next wednesday. She said that the refferal came from me which it did but from the way she sounded it was like she was suprised.
I really just want to dissappear now as i am so fed up of pretending!!!! fake smile everyday to people who do and dont know me. I took my child to the park today but since yesterday when i cried and sppoke with the health visitor he has really been playing up. I think he must sense that there is something wrong.
I do honestly think that im not depressed I have just created a very bad situation and all I can do is give my child away and start a fresh start.
This might sound terrible but I feel i can be honest in saying that I had this child for my sons father and why should I be the one raising and struggling with this child when it was not for me???
I know its terrible and I will understand if I get negative feed back from saying this but I cant do this no more.
I am fed up of having people who are just around me because they have nothing better to do. I am too trusting and to giving and make the wrong mistakes and it needs to change.
Hi Hazel
I am ashamed my situation is not herd of where im from??? I feel ashamed i hate the constant reminders too of seeing father holding their child and mothers talking of their husbands support.
I have a younger brother i think there is 12 years between us and a younder sister again nearly 24 years between us too. I dont have a close reltionship with my brother and that was my mothers fault.
well thers no point going there as thats a long story.
I do chat to other mums but its just a chat, its never a see you next week or lets meet for coffee one day!! and i never pursue a friendship as i think i might be too shy to say that.
As for my garden I love it!!! when i move to my new house last year the garden was full of different flowers it was great so ive been out there removing and digging and my child loves it too. I have even started planting veg!!!! great i know my little veg patch.
Its good you have this appointment with the social services. They can talk things through with you and then perhaps put some options to help.
I really do think you are brave, and not just saying this. I truly don't believe you have any reason to be ashamed either. Don't be hard on yourself for talking about your feelings.
Absolutely! although I understand what you say when you mention your background and that you have been brought up not having heard of this situation...but please do not be ashamed, you have faithfully brought up your child and done your very best, there is no harm in reaching out for some support now
Hi michelle. I'm glad you've got the appointment with the Social worker. Talk through everything with him/her, but please don't rush into any decisions. I know you've thought a lot about it, and I know you say you're not depressed, but some people don't even realise that they are depressed. I'm saying this, because my niece was going through depression. She has two small children, and she didn't want them anywhere near her. She couldn't bath or change them. She couldn't cuddle them or anything, which was heartbreaking to see. She couldn't see that there was anything wrong, until it had got to this stage. She saw her GP, and it's been a struggle, but she is on antidepressants, and although she isn't back to her 'normal' self, she is much much better than what she was.
The other mums that you chat too, could you not take the first step by suggesting meeting up for a coffee sometime. I know this can be a bit daunting, but once the first step is taken, then it'll get easier. Is this something you could do?
How did the appointment go at the Drs? Do let us know ok. No matter what your final decision is, we'll give you every support. You're not a bad person whatsoever, so please don't be ashamed of anything. xx
Hi there
Well Ive had quite a nice day today out and about with my child and a visit from a family member.
My doctor has suggested that i see the surgery thearapist and gave me the number to call her. I saw so tired last night I forgot to call her but i will do so on monday as i have to call her between 9pm amd 10pm!!! not sure why?
The social worker is american and sounds really young but I will see how it goes and I will be as open as possible. I think my main problem is the fact that I will have to be repeating my story and my situation to all these different professionals.
But I will get there and again thank you to everyone for there support, you are all so kind.
Hi michelle. So pleased you had a nice day yesterday with your son. It makes so much difference don't you think, when our day has gone well. Also, that's good news about the family member visiting you. How did that go?
The times of the therapist. That's probably when they take their calls only. Not 100% sure mind, I'm just guessing here hehe. I'm sure it does get very hard having to repeat the story over and over to different people (blimey I know how I felt, and this was only a week with BT)!!! Like you say, you will get there, and now with the right guidance, these people can help you in everyway possible. Since your first post on here, you've already done so much, with regard to speaking to the Health Visitor and the Dr. Getting an appointment with the Social Worker, and now the therapist. Well done, you should be proud of yourself.
What are your plans for today? Do you ever just take picnics in the garden? Kids love that too. C and I often do this, although it's more aggro for me, as I have to carry everything downstairs. I've been busy painting the bathroom, I did start on the kitchen, but decided the bathroom would be easier as it's so much smaller. Not sure whether to finish it today, or have time in the garden. Decisions, decisions, hehe.
Catch up with you later, take care. xx
Hi michellesmithuk
You are doing so well, glad you had a nice day yesterday. As for us being kind, firstly we are here to support you and secondly you will find that you are met with that kindness by the therapist and others you open up to. Gosh, I know what you mean about repeating your story! Although this feels annoying, actually in one way I personally think that it can be therapeutic in itself and help you acknowledge the reality of the situation.
It's nice and sunny today so I hope you can get out with your little one and enjoy the fresh air. One day at a time, just think of it as little steps like a toddler would take, you will get there
Hi michelle. Hope you've had a good day. What did you get up to?
I've had exhausting day, can just about keep eyes open 
I tackled some of the bathroom, washing, shops (C has a picnic tomorrow at school, and totally forgot, hehe), couple of hours in garden, have to say I did nowt in there, dinner, bath hairwash, etc etc. C is now watching Mr Bean in his room, so that's giving me some peace (lovely).
Hope you have a relaxing evening, once your son is in bed. Take care. xx
Hi michelle, how are things your end? Did you manage to get hold of the therapist? I do hope so. What have you been up to today? Please let us know how you're doing, you've got our full support. xx
Hi michelle
I have been away for a couple of weeks and I am just catching up with the boards.
I think as other people have said, your feelings are actually quite normal. I too went through a phase of believing that my daughter would be better off with someone else. She felt like 'his' child, not mine for quite a few years and I didn't feel particularly bonded with her, it didn't feel magical or natural, as other mothers used to say anyway.
I went to counselling and I learnt how to own my daughter, I learnt how to give myself a break and forgive myself for past mistakes. When I look back now, 10 years ago, I feel very sad for that previous me, as I didn't know/recognise just how deep in a rut I was, nor did anyone else.
I say this because I want you to know you are not alone, you are not the first mum to feel like you do and actually you are definitely working towards a brighter future, because you are taking action by talking to your Health Visitor, us, GP etc.
Whatever you decide to do in regards to your son, you won't make the final decision lightly and the only way to make such a difficult decision is to arm yourself with as much professional support as you can.
How did it go with the social worker yesterday? Were they young?
hi yah
Thankyou for your positive words as i so need it right now!!!!
And i do have picnics in the garden with my child and its great. as for decorating i know the feeling!!! I need to decorate my home too but ive just been saving for the large bits i want to renew in the house, when thats done i will get out the paint pots he he.
I saw the social worker yesterday and what an exsperience looool!!!!!
first of all she was younger than me but only by a few years, but it made me more relaxed i think. I told her everything and i could tell she didnt know much and she said she had just quailified 6 months ago!
she could not give me no advice as she had not dealt with a case like this before, so she said she will talk with her manager and get back to me.
And guess what she didnt get back to me as she promised.
The health visitor came to see me this morning and i was still in bed lol as my child woke at 3 am and was up for one hour so i was still tired.
She wasnt much help and i didnt have much to really say to her but it was ok i suppose.
I do believe i have done the right thing by contacting these services but i nothing has changed yet, as i still have the same feelings. I do need to take each day as it comes as one day i feel ok and then the next i feel terrible.
but thankyou and thankyou eveyone else for you support.
you all are so great .
good news
After reading some more or your posts i have just made an appointment with the "analytical Psychologist" not sure what her title means, but at least ive done it!!
My appointment is on monday the 18th so lets see what happens, though my child will be with me, as usual no baby sitter!!!
the story of my life.....
Hi michelle. Lovely to hear from you I'm sooo pleased you're having good days, and not just bad ones. The Social Worker, I was a bit surprised that they sent someone so newly qualified to be honest. They must have had notes written down about the visit, and a little bit about what was going on. At least she is having a word with the manager. Don't wait too long either for them to contact you. Give them a ring today if you can to see what is going on.
Well done on making the other appointment too. Can't help you with that one I'm afraid, but shall google for you.
Do you have plans for the weekend? The weather isn't great, but I'm sure I'll still be painting!!! I'm glad I started, but now kind of wishing I hadn't if you know what I mean lol. xxx
Hi again michelle. Have googled analytical psychology for you here. Hope it gives you some idea anyway.
This one here explains the differences between counselling, physcology and analysis. xx
Hi
How frustrating for you though, seeing these people and somehow not really getting the advice and support you were hoping for!
Personally, I think you sound like a brilliant Mum as you do so much with and for your child (and I would have been in bed too if I'd have been up at 3am!).
The analytical psychologist sounds interesting, and its not too long to wait.
Loads of useless virtual hugs - but meant sincerely.
Hello michellesmithuk
You are doing great, and doing all the right things Having made such a momentous move, it is annoying when other people seem to move slowly! However, don't read too much into the fact that the SW did not get back to you, her manager may have been unavailable, or they might want someone else to help you.
The other thing I wanted to say was that Family LIves (formerly Parentline) are at the end of the phone if you ever need to talk, their number is 0808 800 2222
Hope you had a better night last night!!!!
Hi michellesmithuk
Louise is right the Social Worker might not be able to catch up with her manager straight away, but do as Hazeleyes suggests and contact them if you haven't heard from them by next Wednesday.
I am glad that the social worker wasn't a youngster and you felt able to tell her everything. It is a shame that she is still quite new to the job, but hopefully your case will help her learn lots and give you the support that you require.
It is annoying though when you lay it all on the line and then the 'professional' says 'oh, I don't know, I'll get back to you', but you have made that step and it was a good one, hopefully she will get back to you shortly.
Analytical psychologist, sounds fascinating! I look forward to learning all about it from you!
I got referred to a Social Services Nursery, where my daughter painted and played and I could hang out and make coffee and eat lunch or to home for the day. I don't think such things exist now, but I am wondering if you know of your local childrens centre, where they could offer such a service? Perhaps you could find your local one and mention it to your social worker next time you speak?
Hi everyone
well the social worker got back to me yesterday, she explained that she is trying to find out if she can get someone to look after my child some days so i can do things like attend interviews for jobs or do some me time!!!! Plus she said she is looking into adoption agencies and will get back to me next week, again she sounded like she didnt know much at all but hey at least she is trying lol.
I have been busy this week, nothing special just spending money that i haven't got on new shoes and clothes for my child and trying out new recipies out of jamie's 30 minute meals lol.
Had a bit of a shock on thursday ........ I recieved two missed calls from my childs father!!! My mobile was switched off and when turned on i recieved the text messages saying he called twice. He has not called back and I have not tried to call him back either but im now confused on what to do.
Yes it has gone through my mind to call him, meet him and give him my child and walk away. No he has never met his child before and maybe he still does not want to meet him or maybe it was just a mistake that he called.
I'm not sure why it happened but because ive been planning on giving my child away, as i can not cope with my non exsistant life style, I do wonder do i just plan to give my child to him or not.
If its not one thing its another!!! What drama's and this is why im so ashamed of my situation as its all just a terrible stupid joke. I haven't told anyone as i do think others just see my life and my situation as a joke as well so whats the point.-sigh-
On a good note i woke very early today and enrolled at my local gym!!! They have a creche which is great, so i can maybe do some me time, while my child has fun playing with other children as well.
Then i took him to the local park and had a nice time there.
Saturdays are my cleaning days so when my child had his nap time i blitzed the house and cooked a king prawn stir fry, and yes it was great lol .
Tonight I think im going to concentrate on my neglected paper work bills letters etc.. as for the past few weeks I haven't looked at one piece of paper which is terrible but today is a start.
Thankyou Hazeleyes for the info it was great and now I know what to exspect, so thank you so much once again.
Thankyou guys for this ongoing support I have been so proactive since talking and sharing with you all. It is (one) weight has been lifted since ive been able to be honest about my situation, so thankyou all again. Lets just hope i get to shift the rest of the weights that are weighing me down soon.
Hi michellesmithuk
Well done for joining the gym, now all you have to do is go (heh heh) Seriously it is a great move and the creche means your son will be able to enjoy meeting other children. Also if the SW can find you some childcare it will ease the immediate pressure on you.....and that's fab that you are tackling paperworkl gosh doesn't that build up quickly? so good for you, to get your teeth into it. You do right to make the most of the times your son has a nap in the daytime, oh I remember how much I used to like that time when mine had a nap
As for your boy's father, it does seem strange that you have suddenly had those two missed calls, perhaps he will call again but in the meantime just get on with what you are doing (and doing very well, I might say) and see what happens.
Hi michelle. You're very welcome It's great that you feel a weight has been lifted since opening up on One Space, also to the Social Worker etc. The missed calls from your son's Father. He could be ringing for a number of reasons. How would you feel if he wanted to meet his son? Will you open up to him and tell him that you're thinking of an adoption? I think you've done really well by not calling him back. I'm sure he'll ring you again, so at least you're sort of prepared for it. Having someone to look after your son so you can get some 'me' time is a great idea too. Will it be days at a time, like your son going into foster care for a few days at a time? This would perhaps give you more time to really decide it this is what you want to do permanately. Your life could well turn out differently if you got a job, and childcare.
The gym sounds great too, and the creche too.
I'm still painting sigh. I did put the hoover round earlier, but not bothered dusting, that can wait, until painting all done. Tomorrow is homework day, ironing, and yes, more painting!!!
Hope you have a good evening. Take care. xx
Hello again
Just a thought, there is a booklet you can get which gives adoption info and also goes into the implications for you and the child; you might find it helpful, it is only £1, the link to see it is here.
Hi michellesmithuk
It sounds as though things are moving forward for you in a positive way, well done you, give yourself a pat on the back and recognise that you are the one creating this and making those steps yourself.
I hope the social worker comes back with some good news about getting a break from your son. It is also good that she is going to find you some information about adoption agencies etc as I said earlier, you must go into it with your eyes open and the more information you can get the better.
Very odd that your ex has tried to contact you, the world works in mysterious ways eh. Well done for not ringing him back instantly. If he does contact you again, be careful of how much you tell him about where you are in your thoughts at the moment. It might be the right move for him to take custody of your son, however, I would take it in very small steps.
Your situation is NOT a terrible stupid joke, I am sorry michellesmithuk, I know it feels awful at the moment, but you are experiencing the same as many many single mothers out there. Do not for one minute give the feeling of shame a chance. Its not worth it. We live and learn and get stronger for it.
Your emotions have been toyed with and you have literally been 'left holding the baby', don't beat yourself up, please, I think nearly everyone on these boards has felt let down by their childrens other parent, you are so not alone. But take pride in the fact that you are providing for your son, still doing the best for him, regardless of your feelings.
Jamies 30 minute recipes sound good, what else have you made? If you have any favourites, please indulge us and share the recipe on our Food Glorious Food topic!
Hi Guys
Well they gym this week so far has been so great!!!! Its filling up my days and my child gets time to play with other children so its a win win situation.
Ive been so positive since the weekend, well ive been feeling less stressed and enjoying my days with my child a bit more. My mother called me today and said she thought i had disowned her because she has not seen me but to be honest i do feel like i need to concentrate on whats best for me and my child for once and not on others. Baring in mind that i never called her anyway she use to just come to my house and ask me to baby sit, eat drink, tell me about her family "step dads family" and there functions (which she is happy that i decline to attend).
I have always been a person who keeps on giving to others and has been happy not to recieve nothing in return. But now I have to change i think.
Now my internet is working fine (phew) I can now carry on and look for a college course or a part time job!!!
The social worker has not called me back so i will just wait and see what happenes when or if she does, I have been reading up about adoption and ive been finding it very interesting and like you all have been saying i need to take one step at a time and thats just what im going to do.
My sons father called me back! I really dont know where to start with him really!!
I dont know whats best to do or say as he is such a user and im such a giver, I will be honest im so worried about meeting him. He said he will come to the UK around the 24 of July. I did decline at first and said I will bring his child to him but the I changed my mind and agreed its best he come here.
Now what do I do??? Do i meet him and drop the child off and leave? Which is my best option, as I have nothing to say to him as he lies constantly and of course he can not be truested. I dont want him to come to my house and I dont want to tell anyone as I find that the people around me (when it suits them) have nothing constuctive to say.
Please if anyone has any suggestions I would really appreciate it.
This is going to sound crazy but if I am not honest about how im feeling I will ever get the real help that I need. (deep breath) ! I keep on having a thought.... and I keep on thinking that if I drop my child off with his father I will just leave him with him and never turn back. He doesnt want the child full time but I know he would not put the child into care.
Or do I tell him about social services?? But im sure he will contact my mother or a cousin of mine I hardly speak too.
I keep on thinking that If I save some pounds I could just book a short holiday maybe for a week just to reflect and some how make sense of this stupid situation ive created.
I dont know what to do.
First of all well done for all the positive things you are doing!! It was a big step to open up and tell us about what has been going on for you but it seems it opened some doors for you Great that you have been enjoying the gym and yes you are right that you need to concentrate on what is right for you
Having said that, I would suggest you stay with your son while his dad is there, your boy does not know him and you need to make sure all is safe.
Hi
I agree with Louise... Also, I think that you would worry too. However you may feel about the future, you truly are caring for your son brilliantly.
My very best wishes
Hi michelle. Great to hear about the gym, and your little lad playing with the other children in the creche. Personally, I wouldn't leave your son alone with his dad. Your son doesn't know him at all. Also I wouldn't say anything about the possible adoption either, not yet anyway, until you're 100% of what you want to do.
Hi michellesmithuk
Sounds like the gym is really working for both of you!
I agree with the others, I would arrange to meet your son's father for a couple of hours and try and keep the conversation light.
You say that your ex is a user, he lies and you don't trust him. Throughout this thread you have said that you want the best for you son and michellesmithuk, you know that leaving him with someone who is as unreliable as your ex, is not going to be the best for him.
However in saying that I completely understand that feeling and recognise it well. You just want some 'you' time, time to think, breathe and enjoy yourself again. I think many of us on here know that feeling.
You keep saying you have created a stupid situation and I really want you to stop being so hard on yourself. Many of us became parents with no clue of the fact that we would end up raising our children on our own. Hindsight is a great thing, but it is not there when we make our initial decisions (even if we might have an inkling that things might not pan out as we originally thought - we choose to believe the positive)
You are doing brilliantly well over the last few weeks, keep going on this path and you will have no regrets, if you choose to leave your son with your ex and go on holiday for a week, I think you may regret that. As wonderful an idea as it might seem now, it could get you into trouble, you are your childs legal guardian and you are responsible for his safety and wellbeing.
When do you next speak with your ex?
I think you are doing brilliantly and are coping with a great deal. I really respect all you have done since the beginning of this thread to try and move yourself forward.
I am sure that should you decide in favour of adoption you will do it from the space of wanting to give your child the best possible life.
As you said, you need as much information as possible: may I recommend a book called "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. For clarity's sake: it is a book by an adoptive parent, explaining the lifelong pain caused to a child by being relinquished for adoption, which the best of adoptive parents cannot heal, so not an easy read for me (as an adoptive mother) nor for you given your considerations. So don't read it if you don't feel up to it - but it is a real, serious point to take into account. This post is meant to be supportive, but if it is too difficult, let me know and I will get the mods to remove it.
Wishing you a good week, with much support and time for you.
Regards
jamonbread
Hi everyone
Sorry I havent made any updates recently ive been busy. I saw the psychologist which could of hep but my child was playing up wanting to touch everything which is normal. She asked me if the social worker was able to get someone to look after him when i have my meetings with her but the social worker said it wasnt possible.
Ive been going to the gym but I dont know how long this will last as my child doesnt like it at all i'm thinking its the staff so i might have to stop that soon.
My child's father is no longer an option as he has changed his mind in seeing his child since I last put up the thread, yes it sounds strange but thats him for you.
I was feeling a bit better recently but feeling low again today as someone I know is pregnant and is having a gathering and i really would like to go but i wont.
Stupid but im ashamed of my self as usual and I cant face seeing people who havent seen me for years, I cant put a brave face on today i really cant be bother plus im broke as i had to pay off loads of bills this week. so!!!! back to square one.
Thank you all so much for your support you have all been so kind.
Sorry to hear you feel you are back to square one. In one sense it could be a relief for you that you have not had to negotiate with your child's father while all this is going on for you. I know it seems sad when someone else is having a child in easier circumstances than yours but please congratualet yourself in having progressed so far in talking about your feelings to us and of reaching out for help from the social worker etc.
I must say that if any of these professionals think it is vital that your child is cared for by someone else during their consultations with you then perhaps they could facilitate that themselves!!!!! 
Take care of yourself, you may just be having a bad few days you know, which is Ok, we all get those,especially when the bills come in! I was just thinking, if you feel it would help to hear a voice at the end of the phone as well then do give Family Lives a call on 0808 800 2222 but we are always here for you too
Hi
I'm sorry you're feeling low too.
I feel you really are doing so well in all you have done.
Thinking of you.
Hi michellesmith. Great to hear from you, though sorry that you're feeling down today. The broke feeling, I know that so well, as do others here. I pay my bills fortnightly, eg, £6 for TV license, £22 for the gas, and so on. My electricity is a key meter, which is also a help.
What are you up to today? Have you done any gardening recently? I haven't at all!!! Take care. xx
Hi there
I havent done any gardening recently at all .... but ive enjoyed watching my newly planted flowers n veg grow. Today i stayed indoors and when i poped to my local shops an old friend called and said they were in my area, so we met for a quick drink in my local.
Yea feeling very low today. found out that Amy winehouse had died just now and was sad about her but i know this might sound silly but she has always been disturbed and I feel the same way.
Constantly fighting my demons and now im tired of fighting.
I thought i was a strong person and people who know me would say i was strong but im not im very weak but ive learnt to keep it all locked away for many years now as theres no point in exsposing that part of you when the people close dont really care.
Ive realised that i have nothing to offer my child in life.
as I feel like i am and have alwaysed had emotional problems and now i will just transfer my life of hiding away to my child and this is wrong.
I just want him to have a happy loving childhood and i know i cant give it too him.
I know know im not fit to be a mother and I know its best to give him away and i will never ever have another child.
the social worker is coming on wednesday and im just gonna tell her to take him.
What was i thinking when i chose to have a child with his father.
why did i think that i would be ok???
I was so stupid and im still stupid. I was told that im grieving!!!!! by the professional what ever that means im sure she will explain more on monday.
So im done!! I have nothing to offer a child i have nothing to offer to no body else besides honesty and support which nowadays is nothing.
thankyou Hazeleyes for your on going supportive words of advice but ive made my mind up Im going to give my child away. I will call the social worker on monday so when she comes on wednesday she might be able to take him with her.
Thank you to everyone who have supported me through this difficult time i wish i knew you all personally as i would have given you all a very big hug but i'm sure it wouldnt be recieved in a postive light.
Hi Michellesmithuk. Welcome along to One Space. Firstly, none of us are here to judge you, we're here to offer you support and advice. You sound so very low at the moment. Can I ask if you've spoken to your GP, health visitor about your feelings? You could have Post Natal Depression. Nowhere that I can see in your post, does it say that you don't love your child. You do however say that you have concentrated on providing and want to better yourself for your child. Taking responsibility for a child solely is a massive thing to deal with, and it's frightening too, especially when you don't have family or friends for support. Being a single parent can be hard, but it is also extremely rewarding. Yes things are a struggle when you're a lone parent, but if you wish too, you can do more. I'm not saying it will be easy, but there are many on here who have gone to college, become teachers, nurses, counsellors etc. That isn't out of the question for you either.
Please do go and speak to your GP/health visitor. They are not going to judge you either, they are there to help. Others will be along here later today, so please keep posting. xx