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I need help.
I am at my wits end. I feel frustrated, a failure, unprepared and scared.
My daughter is fast approaching her teenage years and I can't cope with her pre-teen behaviour, I don't know what to do.
I have just spent the 2nd evening on the trot with her 'kicking off'. I don't know what caused it last night, tonight it was because I told her off for jumping on the cat (she didn't do it on purpose, but I had already pointed out that what she was doing was likely to result in her landing on the cat!!). She is under the weather at the moment so I was trying really hard not to react to her outburst, but she just went on and on and on and on until I could take no more. I sent her to her room so I didn't have to listen to her nasty comments. The result was her slamming doors, making pictures fall from the wall, shouting and yelling at me, telling me I didn't love her etc etc. Nothing you haven't heard before I'm sure. I tried to ignore her, talk to her, give her space but nothing worked. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
Louise, you recommended a book a while ago but I can't remember which one!
Thanks hopeful, it ususally comes in waves. I did think that it may be hormone realted, but no periods so not sure that is the reason. She is under the weather at the moment, so I did try to be reasonable, but she just wouldn't give up. It was like she was trying to break me (I know thats unlikely but it was how I felt). I have nowhere to go to get some space myself so feel at my wits end 
You did well to ignore. Daughter will still have strops here, and she's 18... I'm fortunate in that she's lovely the rest of the time.
Sending loads of hugs your way. You're not a failure at all.
When she's calm, would she talk about why she's getting so frustrated?
I just think it can be the most selfish age.
xx
Thanks sparklinglime,
We have had a heart to heart this morning. She said she is angry with me because of the divorce, she thinks we didn't try enough to make things work, she is also angry with me because I was the one who divorced my ex and therefore its my fault.
She said she wanted to talk to someone about her feelings but she didn't know anyone who would understand as none of her friends had been through the same thing. I said she could talk to me. She said she liked talking to me but because I hadn't experienced divorce I wouldn't understand.
Maybe I should look at getting some therapy/counselling for her or all of us?
Hello PQ
First of all, you are not a failure
Secondly the way your daughter is behaving is normal. It is a shock when our previously pretty Ok children suddenly develop these tendencies. The very best first tool to use is STAY CALM and do not respond to any strops.
My eldest used to be very much like this....he used to crescendo to an almighty outburst then things would settle down and he would tell me what was wrong. Now, your daughter has confided in you and it sounds to me as if talking to an outside person would be really helpful...does the school have a counselling service or links to one? or you could contact Relate to find out about their local service
In the meantime, stay as calm, unruffled and "boring" as possible, here is the book !!
Thanks louise, feeling a bit delicate and tearful today. My daughters words have made me question my choice of going ahead with the divorce. Maybe I should have tried harder to make things work?
I have oredered the book. I will also call the school later and speak to someone as I'm not sure if they have any counselling for students.
PQ you took the decision about your marriage that was right for you. It is far more harmful for children to live with warring parents than to live with one parent. Yes she is angry but that can be resolved. Don't blame yourself, you have done nothing wrong. It is sad when we see TV advert families and wish we could be like them but I promise you that even though I ended my marriage when my boys were quite small (8 and 3) they have been fine. Just hold your nerve (hard to do but a really important thing to learn)
Thanks louise x
Don't doubt your decision. The parent has to be happy too - or at least feel in control of their own live...
My son questioned me (oldest - need I say more). As there were things going on over the internet, he asked why I hadn't asked his Dad to give this woman up. I said I did, a number of times, but he refused. Son asked the last time I asked, and when I said the night before we left he went quiet. I think that was possibly about four years after his Dad and I had separated.
He was able to have counselling at the school. He liked the fact he could talk to someone and it not get back to me or his Dad.
I'm glad you've been able to talk with each other.
Thanks sparkling, it is very hard at the moment. She tried to kick off again this evening over tidying her room. She tried to pull me into an argument about why she shouldn't do it but I didn't get drawn in tonight, just said she had to do it before she was allowed back on her laptop and walked away. Eventually with must protest she did it, I bit my tongue and praised her and we have moved on, disaster averted.
I really appreciate everyones support, thank you x
FANTASTIC, pq. It's really hard, isn't it? I sometimes think that I have bitten my tongue so often during the teen years that I have effectively done a DIY piercing!
Teens (especially girls) are experts at picking an argument (the book will tell you more about this) and manipulating parents into getting into pointless confrontations and a really good way to deal with it is to repeat your phrase and walk away.....and I especially loved the way that you managed to find something to praise afterwards, high five to you.
There are obviously insecurities for your daughter at the moment and the best thing to counteract this is to provide what security YOU can, in terms of being consistent, boring (HAHA) and keeping the boundaries firm...they kick against them but they secretly like them.
Did you manage to speak with anyone at school about counselling?
Hi Louise,
I spoke to A and she said they did have a counselling service at school so I am going to ring them today.
She's gone back to school today and I had a job to get her moving, lots of procrastinating and arguing. I managed to keep my cool but it was so difficult. I am really worried about how I will cope if this behaviour continues long term.
But you are doing a really good job. it sounds as if this is a particular "phase" of behaviour....however it will return many times over the years ahead so now is a brilliant time to get your techniques firmly in place and at the ready!
Have a think about what she would respond to in terms of sanctions (grounded/no TV) and if you get a continuing issue, take time to speak with her NOT in the middle of the issue but at a quiet time and say CALMLY "I notice that you are not getting ready for school on time (for example). We all have different jobs to do, I have to go to work even though I dont want to sometimes, your job is to go to school. I expect you to get ready on time and if you don't then....."(consequence) Choose something you can definitely follow through with. Don't listem to any backchat, just walk away calmly as if you are not interested.
I was doing some research the other day and one of the stats said that the most difficult age for teenagers' family relationships is 13, so hang onto your hat! Seriously, you are doing all the right things.
Thanks louise, and thank you for your advice. I spoke to A about mornings and getting up, she started off getting a bit defensive but I said I wasnt criticising her, just wanted to make sure mornigns were good for all of us. She said she would set her alarm for 10mins before I normally wake her so she has had chance to wake up a bit before she has to get up....what progress. I've also got some post-it notes, as I seem to remember you mentioned that you had used them with your son? I wrote 'I love you' and stuck it to the underside of the top bunk, above her head.
Small but positive steps 
WELL DONE!!!!
Can't take the credit for the post-it notes idea, that was Sally, and a fab idea it was too. I used to leave emails for my eldest when he was not speaking to me, just saying things like I was proud of him or loved him, but the post-its are better and more immediate.
Just a little aside, I know she is not yet a teenager, technically, but at this age they really are physically programmed to find it hard to get going in the mornings. One school I read about had a great deal of success by starting at 10 instead of 9! If she is finding it hard to get up maybe you could explain this physiological change to her. It is so positive that SHE suggested a solution though I know you will praise her when she manages it ok.
Thanks,
Yesterday morning was so much better, A got up all by herself and was ready in plenty of time.
The book you suggested arrived yesterday but I haven't had chance to look at it yet. Fell asleep on the sofa last night, might have a quick read now before she gets up, as I'm up so early!
Hope you enjoy the book, it really did change my way of thinking. You are up early!!
Hi pq. Only just seen this thread. Even if I'd read it earlier, wouldn't have been any support, as not there at teen stage yet (can't wait, hehe) You've done amazingly well with your daughter, and the praising afterward, well done to you. Hopefully, you and she are back on track (for the time being anyway) Don't feel a failure either, you got divorced because it was the RIGHT thing to do. At the moment, maybe your daughter cannot see this, but one day she will. Stay strong. x
Mother-in-Law (thought I'd put this in full to save confusion 
) tells me they do start to get better again....
... from about age 25 
**thud**
was that you fainting, sparkling?
It was. I'm ok now though
Crikey i got aways to go then!
Just had another traumatic evening with A. This time about homework. I offered to help her but she just wouldn't engage with it. She had a set of science questions to answer, the teacher had given them a link to the BBC school work page where all the information was, all she had to do was go to it, read it and answer the questions.....but no! I have already put a limit on my help to 30mins because we have had problems before, she basically wants me to do it for her which I refuse to do. I guess she's pushing against the boundary I've set, its so infuriating. Once I withdrew my help she told me how I had 'got her a detention' and that I obviously didn't care about her and that she hated me 
. I stayed really calm and didn't get drawn in, when she went to bed I said goodnight to her and told her I loved her, all things I know are the right thing to do, but I am left with feeling awful. I can't imagine how I will cope with this on a regular basis, I just want my little girl back.
I gave up feeling awful about the homework thing. I figured there was only so much I could do and they deal with the consequences.
Have had a bit of a drama with youngest this evening. I just felt the more I nagged the more of a reaction I got. Anyway, went in the living room and maths books were out.
Loads of hugs pq. You have amazing patience to limit time to 30 mins. I'm not sure If I last 3 minutes 
Thanks sparkling, I must admit 30mins does feel more like 3hrs!
How old is your youngest? I know what you mean about the homework thing, I suppose I just feel she needs some support whilst she gets used to year 7, but the is only so much 'help' you can give without doing it for them. There should be a parents evening coming up soon so I can talk to the teachers about it then.
He's 13 and just gone into year 9.
I limited the homework help from Year 6. I do help him - we were doing angles the other evening (about the only mathsy thing I can do!) - but he did it the night before it was due in, having had it since last Thursday. **sigh**
He is doing ok though, to be fair, and seems to get it in on time.
Hello PQ
30 minutes is very generous! I know it feels very hard but there really IS something about her taking the consequences of her actions (detention or whatever) and you saying to her in a calm and offhand way "Oh dear. Maybe the next time you could have a good go at it and make use of the resources you have, whether that is the internet or my 30 minutes" and WALK AWAY. Don't take any notice of the "I hate you" business, she does NOT hate you, she is kicking against taking responsiblity for herself, and just as you want your little girl back, she actually wants to be a little girl herself, with mum doing everything for her....but our job as parents is to encourage them to grow and take that responsibility and sometimes that means letting them mess things up.You're doing FINE hold your nerve!
Thank you both,
I've been reading the book louise, its very good and insightful, I've only managed the first 2 chapters but it really helps to see their world through their eyes.
I think the hardest part for me is when the drama is all over and I'm sat there on my own in the evening, all I need is a cuddle and be told I'm doing the right thing. when you're by yourself its easy to mull it over and talk yourself into thinking you've messed up somehow.
Thank you for being there everyone x
Oh too true pancakequeen! Do you have a buddy you can pick up the phone to and who can remind you how smashing you are really are?
It is completely normal that you are questioning your parenting style, techniques, capability etc. I swear that that is all part of a teenagers quest!
But you are doing fine, she is behaving normally and you do get used to it. My mantra in these moments was 'I am a good mum and I am doing the best for my daughter', it might sound lame, but it did help after the bedroom door had been slammed and the house was quiet! (She no longer slams doors!)
Have you two managed any quality time together recently? She is going through so many changes, big school, mum and dad living seperately, homework, new adults bossing her around (teachers), big stuff. Keep trying to have cosy chats with her, so that whatever she is facing, you are right along side her.
Thanks Anna,
Have had a lovely chat this evening with a longtime friend who has gone through similar things to me. It was good to share some things and talk things through.
I haven't had much of a chance to spend quality time with A recently, which might be one of the reasons she's been acting up again. Time just seems to disappear.
So true, i don't know where the time goes to either PQ. Glad you have been able to chat to your friend.
Big Hug
Have had another awful day with A. Over homework again. She said she didn't know what she had to do so asked me to 'help' her, I read the instructions but it wasn't very clear so gave my opinion on what I though they wanted her to do. She fussed and groaned and made it very difficult for H to do her homework so in the end I told her to leave the room and it pretty much went downhill from there onwards. She tried very hard to disrupt H doing her homework, she tried to pick arguments with me, I kept my cool for agaes but this went on for over an hour! In the end I sent her to her room but she continued to cause trouble, picking on her sister, telling her she was going to come down and smack her in the face! At this point I lost it and yelled at her to get up the bloody stairs....so now I am the awful mother who swears at her daughter!!!
She did eventually calm down and apologised to me but her mood remained the same and she continued to be difficult. I'm so upset about it all, I'm trying so hard but she pushes and pushes and pushes until I blow.
I'm still waiting for a callback from A's form teacher, she has tried to call me a couple of times but she always rings me at work and I can't always answer my phone. I'm going to phone the school again and ask for a phone call at a specific time so I can make sure I'm free.
I feel completely exhausted today. I have had a rubish sleep and now I have to function at work when all I want to do is crawl back to bed and hide under my duvet.
Hi pq, it is stressful isn't it, however this is your daughters stuff, she was unhappy because she couldn't do her homework, she needed to kick off at something and it happened to be her sister and you.
Looking back to last night, how could you have dealt with it differently to have a different ending?
Hi Anna,
Its really difficult, I would want to not loose my temper, but its really hard when she keeps pushing me like she does. I tried to move away and she followed me, I got her to leave the kitchen but she stood in the door way making noises, I shut the door but she kept opening it. I'm not proud of myself, but there is only so much one person can take
Hi pq, i really feel for you, this can be a trickey one to handle, i think that we have all lost it at sometime or another and shouted at our young people when they are pushing our buttons, after all were only human.
One of the main things is how you deal with things afterwards, were you feeling worse about the shouting at A or the fact that A was still in a foul mood? I have had to apologise a few times and explain that i had dealt with the situation in the wrong way.
A apologised which is a good thing, many children won't do this as they will generally blame someone or something.
Anna has already suggested thinking about what you could have done differently. Have you spoken with A since then?
I think your doing a great job pq, i think the teen years are the toughest ones to go through for both the parents and our youngsters.
Hi Sally,
I think I was upset with myself for loosing it, but I also felt very hurt. I feel like I should know what to do and be able to cope but I know that I'm not. It makes me feel so useless.
I want to enjoy my family, but it is all so hard at times.
I have spoken with A tonight, I apologised for shouting at her. She told me she finds school a drag, she wouldn't really elaborate on that but I suspect she may be finding the work quite hard. I have also managed to speak to her form teacher who is arranging for A to see the counsellor after half term, she is also going to contact all her subject teachers to see if they have any concerns and get back to me later in the week.
Loads of hugs pq.
With my lot, when they asked for help I would make a note in their book that they'd asked for help but I wasn't able to do the work (or I'd confuse them, as the way they work things out now is different to the way I was taught... I am 50 mind ) This would sometimes calm the panic of not doing their work, as the teacher knew they'd attempted it... Just a thought.
Yes, good tip, sparkling.
PQ, Sally is right, she did apologise and ALL of us have shouted at our young people at one time or another.
I don't know if it helps but if you look at the book I recommended it explains very clearly that a large part of a teen's mission in life is to make their parents lose their tempers. If you lose your temper after, say, an hour then you might as well have just lost it after one minute. You did the right thing, tried to walk away from the situation. If neccessary go to the loo and lock the door.
It would be great if you could feel you could leave the house (I used to sit in the car on the drive!) but in view of her threats to hurt H it seems you needed to make sure that was not going to happen. But, if you think it would help, you AND H go out and calmly say to A by the time we get back I expect you to have calmed down.
You are feeling really hurt at the moment, that your girl has tuned into this person who behaves in a dreadful way. It is not personal and it does not mean you are a bad parent...in fact only a good parent gives their child something to protest about. She is actually checking that the boundaries are still safe (bit like a toddler) Stay with it, we are here to give you support
Thanks everyone,
Sparkling, I like your idea and I shall do that next time.
Lousie, I am still making my way through the book and haven't reached the part you mentioned yet, I might skim ahead tonight and find it.
I did quite a bit of soul searching last night and I realised that A's behaviour reminds me a lot about my ex. When he was unhappy about something he would often try to pick an argument and then blame me for all his problems, one of his sayings was 'this is all your fault' which A used on sunday. At this point I would become quite frightened about what would happen next, and I think hearing A threaten her sister was a step too far. I know I have chatted to you louise, about this before, that his behaviour has been and still is quite teenagerish (if thats a word??). I wonder whether some of my frustrations are also about him?
I am feeling better today, and peace and tranquility has returned to our house once more . Thank you for being there for me x
We are here to cheer you on!
Yes we have mentioned about the teenager-ish thing before, and that does make sense that if she reminds you of her dad that that is very hard NOT to get cross about. Maybe next time you feel wound up, that is something to catch hold of ie how much of your annoyance is at him?
Have a look at chapter 6 of the book, which is called "Conflict".
Hi pq, you wrote:
I feel like I should know what to do and be able to cope but I know that I'm not. It makes me feel so useless.
Hi pq. Have been reading through, and boy oh boy, your house definately sounds like mine. Doors slamming, you walking away, and daughter following etc. We could have the same children hehe. It is hard, and yes, like you, I've lost my temper too many times to remember. Afterward i always feel bad, and know that I shouldn't have said what I did, but at the time, it just comes pouring out doesn't it? Like you, I apologise, tell C how much I love him.
I've had a quick browse through the book, not ordered it though. Don't think it'll help me as C is only 10, but a friend has told me that he's more mature than most kids his age. I don't know if he is going through the teen (like) stages. All I know is, somedays, I feel I can't cope.
Just wanted you to know, you are not alone. x
Anna, thankyou so much, your words really touched me.
Hazeleyes, its so reasuring to know I am not alone, I would so like it all to be plain sailing but it is becoming very apparent that this next phase is going to push me to my limits, so glad I have you all to help me
I am glad that we are here too! It is a great time to rethink boundaries, keep communication open and listen - this is my greatest ally! I am always quick to try and fix stuff, but actually my daughter just wants me to listen. And now if I haven't got a clue on what to do or say, I ask her how she would like me to help her This is then giving her a sense of autonomy!
Losing our rag, does not help in the slightest, they need us to be firm and consistent. We don't need to know all the answers, so don't expect yourself too. We are all still learning!
Its me who's about to stomp upstairs (well, can only go up one step at a time, so won't be dramatic) and slam my door (well, since the work last year, it doesn't actually close properly so can't really slam it) in this house.
I feel I deserve the tantrum. I'm hoping that I wil be ignored 
Sorry PQ, I'm not making light of things at all.
xx
I think even parents have the right to have a strop every now and again. (I know I do)
No need to apologise sparkling, your 'rant' reminded me of a comedy sketch I saw once of a couple arguing, the male storms out the house slamming the door, then comes back 30secs later to get his car keys can't find them so has to ask the female for help made me chuckle.
Nice to hear that things have returned to normal in your house pq, do you and the girls have any plans for the half term?
Hi Sally,
I'm taking my girls to my parents for the week on Sunday so I will have the week home alone .
Aw PQ, that sounds just like my 14 year old daughter! Does yours do this a lot? Because mine only does it once in a while, but then it will be a couple of days on the trot (I don't think it's pmt - a) she doesn't have periods yet, and b) I refuse to believe in that). I ignore her when she's like this, just quietly say that I am not giving that behaviour any consideration, and she usually calms down or disappears to her room. :-)
I've read the book, but I can't remember what it's called either!!!