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I can't bring myself to watch it - and could never stand him in this role. Now I'm living it!!!! 
I watched the link louise, it made me laugh all over again, however I feel I have unleashed a monster!!!! H heard me laughing and wanted to see what I was watching so came over to see, I fear she thought it was a documentary and started to take notes!!!!
EEEEK, pq. Although in a sense it reflects the point that they, as teens, have a "job" the same way as we do as parents.I remember my youngest saying to me "I'm a teenager, it's my job to rebel" To which I replied "I agree, and as your parent, it is MY job to let you have as much independence as you can while keeping you safe and just doing it in stages"
Yes sparkling, I guess I am through the worst so it is easier for me to laugh
However, it does raise an important point for all of us, laughing as much as you can through these years is something that is very very helpful; I have noticed it is something you have been able to do, sparkling. And there ARE things to laugh at; their behaviour is so ridiculous sometimes and so illogical and contradictory.
PQ, I love the thought of taking notes!!
To be fair, there is a lot of laughter in our house 
and they can laugh at themselves too
Hi pq, I hope the drop off with the girls went okay. How are you feeling having the house to yourself for a week 
Any parties, don't forget who is looking for an invite 
Oh my...what an awful evening.
My two have been bickering ever since they got back from my mum's. I have kept out of it as best I can. However this evening A has gone to a new low. The 2 of them argued all through dinner, moaning about my food, kicking each other under the table, rather than yell at them I left the table and went in the other room. When I came back there was food all over the table, pieces of chicken spat into a tissue and food in their drinks. I sent them both to their rooms but when they were up there A was yelling threatening to beat H up, the next thing H screams and is in hysterics. When I went up A had pushed H into the door and H has gouged her back on the door latch, she has a nasty gash on her back. I have dealt with H but A is still acting up, now refusing to go to her room, she is throwing things around the living room and I am in the kitchen.
I must admit I feel quite threatend by her. I am thrown back to when I used to hide from my ex when he was in a mood. I really don't know what to do with her when she's like this.
Oh heck pq. That does sound frightening.
I don't know what to suggest, but no others will. Once she's calmed down will she talk reasonably with you? Somehow she needs to know she can't upset the family like this.
Loads of hugs pq.
Thanks sparkling,
Peace has returned. A kept coming into the kitchen even though I asked her to leave me alone. I have told her she needs to think long and hard about her behaviour tonight as she has upset me and hurt her sister which is unacceptable. I then locked myself in the bathroom and had a long soak. When I came out she had gone to bed.
I am dreading the morning as I have to be out 15mins earlier than normal. I have told both the girls that I have to be out of the house on time and that if they make me late with their bickering/fighting there will be concequences, H will not be signed up for her drama club at school and A will not be allowed to take part in her concert on saturday for children in need. Lets see what happens.
Oh PQ poor you, that sounds horrendous. You did the right thing in leaving them to the quarrel but you must have felt so shocked when you saw the state of the table and then having to contemplate the violence.....
A quick tip: if it is imperative that you leave the house at 8.15 in a morning, tell them it is imperative you leave at 8am
What is happening re the counselling through school? A sounds as if she has a lot of anger and the counselling would get some of that out and help her to "manage" it better.
It sounds as if you dealt with everything REALLY WELL. The more A rants, the calmer you need to stay but you are right to give them both consequences of their actions...just make sure these are rationally spelt out and not shouted because they have driven you to feel demented. You also need to have an outlet for YOUR stress in all this, whether some exercise, the hot bath that you had (good plan) or letting off some steam with a friend.
Pq, hope your morning went okay. Wow, you really did deal with things great last night. The food, the rows etc. Well done you, for keeping cool and calm. God, I know how hard that is, and I've only one child!! I really hope you all have a nice evening. x
Thanks hazeleyes,
We've had a better day. Got out the house on time, which was good as I had something important to do at work. This evening has been fine too. I had toyed with the idea of refusing to cook dinner after their awful behaviour last night but decided against it, however I have told them that their behaviour yesterday was unacceptable and in future I will not cook them a meal if they behave that way again, they can have beans on toast.
Great tip louise, the girls know we can't go to the childminders before 7.30 so its a bit difficult to use it during the week but will try it if needed at the weekend. One of my problems is I get easily stressed in the morning, mainly because I should be at work at 8.00 but can't drop my girls off until 7.30, the traffic means I rarely get to work until 8.10-8.15 so if I'm slightly late leaving the house I know I will be even later than usual. Its a lot to cope with, or not cope with in my case.
Still no word on the counselling, work should be calmer for me tomorrow so I'll try and phone a's form teacher and chase it up.
I still haven't come up with any suitable consequence for A and her aggresive behaviour....any ideas anyone??
Morning PQ, glad your evening was calmer.
I always used to find with my eldest (when a toddler AND when a teen) that he would crescendo to a day or two of abolute awfulness, then we would have a bit of a showdown and he would settle down for a while. What was A's pattern as a toddler? Wonder if this would give us some clues?
"The book" that I think so much of suggests that if we stop doing things for our teen when they are badly behaved then we just escalate the situation and we need to carry on showing them calm unconditional love. In an ideal world this is fine, but my own belief is that we DO need to set a boundary and let them know that their behaviour is unacceptable. So I think you made the right decision to cook the tea but tell them you will not bother if there is a recurrence.
You were asking about consequences for A. As well as this, I would suggest you combine it with a stragtegy for her. She needs somewhere safe in the house where she can go and be aggressive. A corner with lots of cushions? The course I went on at the weekend suggested some handy telephone directories and catalogues to tear up (bit messy this and part of the deal had to be that they clear up!) The message being that it is Ok to punch a cushion but not ok to hit a person; it is ok to tear up a telephone directory but not to destroy/damage property.
So...back to consequences. I used to have some success with a ban from the Internet, even for 24 hours. At secondary, they need the Internet for school work so I used to say don't worry I will phone the school and tell them you have been banned and what for and ask them to allow you to spend the lunch hour in the library to use their net for your homework (that is the REAL deterrent) But say all this calmly and only when you HAVE to, as you will have to follow it through. Before that, maybe you could say Time Out! and that means she has to go to her safe place and be cross there. You would have to agree all this with her when she was in a good mood and maybe you could sell it to her on the basis of a tool to help her, thyat you empathise with how rage can sweep over her BUT it is not acceptable to hit people or behave rudely so Time Out is to keep her safe too.
Thanks louise,
A saw the counsellor on Friday. She said she had spoken to her about H and how she had anger issues....strange as I thought A was the one with anger issues! Anyway the counsellor has suggested I fit a lock to A's bedroom door so she can lock herself in her room when H is bothering her. All sounds a bit bizarre to me. Certainly don't like the sound of locks on bedroom doors. She's going again on Friday so we'll see what gems she comes home with then.
Hi Pq, I don't like the sound of the locks either to be honest. Supposing there was a fire, and A had locked her bedroom door, fallen asleep etc. I saw once on Nanny 911, the teenage girl was given a sign, which said, 'do not disturb'. She wasn't allowed to use it all the time, but at times when she needed space, to do homework etc. Her younger sister was told by the parents, that when she saw this sign, she was not to go in under any circumstances. On the programme it worked, but who knows what happened when cameras stopped rolling
hazeleyes, that sounds like a really good idea - might employ it for MY bedroom door (A has no notion of 'keeping out' at all!) What do you think, pq?
I am presuming you only have A's word for what the counsellor said - much as the counsellor will only have A's version of events to go on! As a counsellor myself, I find it questionable that a trained colleague would have suggested such a thing - but it's not impossible (I'm not calling A a liar by the way, just having a 'wonder' about what might have been said in A's session/the version you are getting filtered back).
I certainly think what hazeleyes has just said is a more preferable option, for a variety of reasons.
Hi,
I agree with you Mary. A sometimes fixes on part of a conversation because it appeals to her, but then its often out of contex, so its quite possible she hasn't listened completely to what the counsellor said. She is also prone to exageration, put those 2 together and who knows how distorted from the original version we are.
I like your suggestion hazeleyes, I'll definitely offer it up as an alternative to the lock.
Hi pq, I am glad to read that things have settled down a bit. I am wondering if you can have a family meeting?
Perhaps you could cook a favourite something, make it a special ocassion 9pancakes perhaps), get some Shloer and pour into wine glasses and say that now the girls are growing up and things have changed in the family dynamics you want to have a Family Meeting on a regular basis.
After your meal, everyone has to write down 3 things that makes them angry and then pass the list to the person on the left (or in the middle of the table and each person takes one). That person then reads what it says and then says how they would deal with it if it was their issue. Then have a family discussion about how to resolve it if it raises its head again.
When you have all done have a really lovely dessert. It is about sharing it as a family problem, not finger pointing and also recognising that we all get angry. Remebering that anger stems from disappointment, feeling hurt, unloved or disrespected.
I really like that idea Anna. This weekend is free as my Sil and family aren't able to visit like we had planned, I think I will schedule a family meeting on saturday night .
Thank you x
Don't forget the munchies Pq! Hope it all goes well, I'm sure it will though, as it does sound like a good idea.
Had a small personal victory last night. A was stropping because she didn't want the dinner I made (Risotto, and very nice it was too), the rule in our house is if you don't eat your dinner you don't get any pudding. She said she was still hungry so I said she could have fruit but she wasn't allowed to have any cake. Anyway, she began with her demands and was quite rude about my cooking but I ignored her and hung in there, eventually, and with a great big huff, she ate some fruit. I even got an apology later . I know it probably sounds very small and petty but for me it was a great triumph.
Great stuff, pq! Don't play it down, the smallest victories are often the most meaningful
I look forward to hearing how the family meeting goes on Saturday.
Thumbs up to you pq! Well done for standing your ground
Ace! Well done
Wow Pq, you did great. It's so very hard to ignore, but you did it, and even got an apology
Thanks everyone x
Had the family meeting on saturday. I said it was to talk about any problems we had to think of solutions and go over the house rules.
It went really well, both girls talked about how they get wound up easily with each other and we talked about how they could handle it differently than hitting. H suggested a feelings box, you write on a piece of paper feelings you have and what made you feel like that, good or bad, at the next family meeting we have a look at them and talk about it. A wanted a special place to go in the house if we felt angry so we could calm down or hit a pillow, as we have limited space we agreed this would be difficult, but agreed that if someone needed to be alone we would respect that and leave them be. We also went over the house rules, took a couple out that they had grown out of (drawing on walls!). All in all it was very productive. We ended with a big bowl of profitter roles. The girls went of, H made her feelings box and they both did posters for their bedroom walls with the house rules, all their idea.
We ended up having a lovely weekend together, inspite of the hairdresser disaster
WOW!! pancake queen well done to you and your girls, that sounds as if it went really well, good communication all round, it is now important when things get out of hand, to remind them of that 'lovely Saturday evening when we discussed what we were going to do' and then encourage them to act on their agreements.
I am so glad that it was so productive and that you had profiteroles - Yum! Good plan!
Thanks Anna,
Lets hope we can keep it going
That sounds marvelous.
With the boys, as the three share the main bedroom here if one needs space the other two have agreed not to go in the bedroom.
I hope it works out and things will be calmer.
xxxxxx
Your family meeting sounds great pancakequeen and very productive i am glad it all went well, shame i missed out on those profiteroles though.
Yes, Sally, I notice we were not invited round, still we know PQ can always rustle up a batch of yummy pancakes for us
PQ this is a family meeting working at its very best, hurrah for you and the girls!
Always welcome for pancakes, all of you.
Thanks for the feedback and encouragement. It did feel really good.
A has now decided she doesn't want to see the counsellor anymore. Apparently her session on friday didn't go very well, she wont tell me what happened. She now wants to go on childline. They've been doing work on cyberbullying at school and someone form childline came in to talk to them about on-line support. I told her that if she wanted to stop seeing the counsellor that was fine but she needed to go back this week and talk about it with her first. She reacted badly to this and had a strop but I have stuck to my guns. Am I doing the right thing saying she should go back one more time? I just feel she's given up because its got a bit hard. Does anyone know about this childline on-line support thing?
It is best for her to go back but she might feel a bit embarrassed. However, part of taking responsibility for yourself and your feelings is taking responsibility for your decisions...but I would not insist. ChildLine is a great charity and although I don't have direct experience of their 1-2-1 service, I would be quite happy for one of my own children to use it, so that is the best that I can say.
Having a rubish day. A decided to sleep on a camp bed last night...don't ask me why as I have no idea as she has a perfectly good bed to sleep in...any way, she got very little sleep and woke up in a foul mood and decided she was too tired to go to school. I tried really hard not to get pulled into her rants, she was dreadfully rude to me, hit her sister, yelled and stamped her feet (sorry neighbours!). I rode it out and she did go to school without missing her bus but I feel totally drained, physically and emotionally. I know people have said to rise above it and ignore her, but her behaviour is so disruptive and her nastiness can be very hurtful. I have punished her for hitting her sister by taking away her itouch and laptop but have left the rest of it.
Sorry your having a rubbish day PQ, but you have done the right thing she went to school and you have disciplined her for her abuse to her sister and yourself, i think that yes you could ignore some behaviours, things like them being moody or not wanting to talk with you, but when it comes to them being hurtful or hitting then you can't ignore that.
They need to know what will and won't be tolerated. I hope A comes home in a better mood and your evening goes more smoothly.
On the whole camping bed thing, my girls are always doing things like this only we have a blow up mattress or they want to sleep on the sofa bed downstairs, i can't understand it either i'd prefer my own cumpfy bed anyday.
Hope all was well on her return from school pq. Maybe the camp bed can be something for a Friday night, not a school night. Hope you're okay. Deep breaths girl. xx
Thanks ladies,
Got home and A was still in a foul mood but decided to tackle the issue anyway. Talked to her and eventually, after blaming her sister, school and a few other things I can't remember she said she wanted to spend more time with me, that she felt I left her to get on with things whilst I dealt with H and she didn't like it. So I sent H to my neighbours house for tea and A and I cooked our tea together, equilibrium has been restored and for now everyone is happy again.
What a rollercoaster this parenting busieness is. I still feel a bit shell shocked but at least I dealt with it and came out fairly unscathed!!!
Well done pq. You've saved the day again You're completely right, parenting is a rollercoaster, and on occassions, I want to jump. But we carry on with the ride don't we, and one day, our own children will be on that rollercoaster, and I'll be on the big wheel, looking down, laughing my head off, 
. Want to join me?
I'll be too exhausted to laugh...!!
Yes hazeleyes, reserve me a seat I'll bring the candy floss!
Well done PQ, you are doing a fantastic job. Roller coaster is a very good way to describe it. A friend of mine had a smiliar experience to you: her eldest (15 at the time) said she wanted to spend time with her, she (the mother) was always out etc etc. SO my friend switched the two evening shifts she had at work (with great difficulty), cancelled all her social arrangements for the week and said to the girl Right I am at your disposal. What happened next? The girl went out every night!!!!!!!!!!!! Frustrating is not the word.
Hope you have a better day today
Thanks louise.
This morning was fine. I can see that I am coping with it better now, its just I always feel so shell shocked after one of her outbursts, hopefully as time goes by that will lessen. Being able to come on here and talk about it helps enormously
Hi pq, well done you, you handled it so well. I know that we feel as though we should remain calm and in control and let everything they say slide off our backs, but it just isn't that easy. I think it is natural to feel shell shocked nearly everytime, but you have some good tools under your belt and every time you are facing this, you are getting stronger and more resilient.
I think you should be incredibly proud of yourself, you never resort to bribery or sweeping things under the carpet, you are a concientious woman, who WILL be listened to and your rules will be adhered to!
You recently had a chat with your girls about behaviours in the home and what they should do when they feel furious, were you able to bring that up, or was it just a battle to get her out of the door and onto the bus on time (big high 5 for that too!)?
I must admit I was worried she wouldn't get her bus so I just focused on that, for me to drive her to school would have made me late for work. I will try and keep that in mind for next time, although in the heat of the moment she seems more intent on being as big a pain in the neck as she can, so going somewhere else to calm down isn't a big priority.
Something that 'the book' recomended was to just repeat asking them to do the thing you want them to do, so far this has worked and she has, although reluctantly and with as much noise and disruption as possible, done it.
Thanks for the vote of confidence from everyone, its really encouraging
We are with you all the way, PQ
Girls were with their dad after school yesterday. Apparently they started their bickering routine, so he piled them in the car and brought them home, refused to deal with them! Great help....NOT!
Charming! Lucky you! I guess he views their visits with him as a 'treat' for them and if they can't behave then they have to go home.
How did the girls take it?
Some of you might be too young to remember this but I am not.....Watch this really funny sketch about Harry Enfield becoming a teenager here