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I have been debating this subject on and off for months with various friends and would value the opinion of others on here.
If you are still easily wound up by an ex or get a reaction either way to news of an ex does this mean you still have emotional attachments to them?
I personally think it doesn't mean you still have "feelings" and think it is natural to be curious about somebody you had a relationship with. The fact they can still push your buttons does not mean you are hankering after them or dreaming of days gone by.
I would love to hear your views.
Hello Murray72
What an interesting topic!
My own rule of thumb is what we are aiming for when thinking of former partners is "indifference" (in other words a lack of emotional attachment) However, what sparkling says is quite true, if they let our children down or hurt them then of course we will be angry with them, in the same way as we would be angry with, say, a teacher who let our child down (that does not mean we have an emotional attachment to the teacher!)
If they are Ok with our children, then it is good if we can see them in terms of being a parent rather than being a partner, and it is important to allow our children to love the other parent (here's an article about that)
Thank you for your replies, I agree and I am going to aim for "indifference" I am not sure if it can be achieved as Sparklinglime stated once they let the kids down it sparks that red mist all over again.
My biggest wish at the moment would be for number 2 Son to remove him as a FB friend as every time he updates his status my Son rants and raves about what a plonker he is and then I find out annoying things that I shouldn't know.
FB has a lot to answer for I say.
I am luckier than most as my Kids are older now and considered Adults (questionable) so I have no reason for direct contact ever (lucky me).
I feel better now I have got that off my chest.
Thanks
For me, it's only been 12 weeks since he walked out, I do still love him, I probably always will, but also every time I think of him and her and what they've done to me and my children I think about scratching out their eyeballs like a Kill Bill moment!.
ChaCha,
I would love to assure those feelings diminish but after been seperated over 3 years and divorced 1 year, I think they can still cause that rage. I am sorry you have been so down over the past week, I read your other posts.
Life will improve lovely remember that .
Thanks Murray72
X
Hi ChaCha, I have just been reading a thread by Mich, A bit of a pep talk, you may find this an interesting read. Mich says that she can now feel 'indifferent' towards her ex, who walked out 8 months ago. Yes, he still makes her angry, but it isn't an all mind consuming rage.
An enormous hug for you, ChaCha!
Murray - Do I think the fact that my son's dad (MSD) can still really wind me up means I'm still into him? A resounding NO - it means there were extremely good reasons why we split up and I'm absolutely positive I don't want to have an intimate relationship with him.
However, we do spend a lot of time in each other's company, which can make a big difference as to how much/ often those buttons are pushed...
I split from MSD nearly three years ago and for the last year he comes here first thing two or three mornings in the week to do breakfast and the school run, two or three evenings in the week to do dinner & bedtime, and then alternate Sat mornings thru' to Sun nights. That's why I call myself a separated mum rather than a single mum, cos we pretty much co-parent.
So my son has the huge advantage of seeing his parents at least acting civilly towards each other, discussing his needs, and with less arguments than many non-separated couples, and on good days we can even have a laugh all together. Despite the hard moments, I truly believe that this has been beneficial for him rather than confusing.
But – and here lies the rub – in order to maintain my son's well-being I've chosen to (mostly) put up with his dad's moods, his often dismissive/ undermining attitude, and his award-winning passive-aggressiveness - even his own friends and family say it!
On bad days I quite simply want him to disappear off the face of the earth – I understand that must be hard to hear for those of you whose partners have pretty much done just that, and the devastating affect on your children. But sometimes it seems that would be so much easier than having to deal with all the negative things about him on such a regular basis.
But I know their relationship is very precious, and I will do everything I can to maintain it while there's still the possibility.
Lucy
XO
Hi Lucy,
I would love to co-parent, even though my marriage ended in 3 hours and wasn't my choice it would have all been so easy on me and the kids if he hadn't always moved in with a nasty, controlling woman....who knows what the future holds but the more time that goes on, he's only damaging his relationship with his children.
X x
I don't think its emotional attachment to them. In my case it was anger because he let the children down, and anger as they can't see how awful he is and get so excited when he does make an effort to see them (next week, first time this year)