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Been separated from baby's dad since I was 3months pregnant as he was far to intrested in his mates & spunking my money, I went thou pregnancy alone wiv him just coming to afew scans, he pays support & on birth cert- we agreed 2 visits every weekend but 9 times outta 10 he would cancel so we rearranged 2 10hrs a month (his choice) when he visits he pays baby intreast for about an hour then I have to tell him to play or interact wiv baby as he is to busy on his phone or in a day dream, there is no bond between them, I have txts from him admitting to being a rubbish dad & thanking me for chances I give him with her...can I stop his visits as every time I'm watching my daughter get let down & sit there bored, if it went court do I have a strong case? Please help I'm sick of watching my baby get let down
Hi Tinkerbell2
I am not sure how old your baby is, but if she is still in nappies, then I am presuming pretty young.
When he sees your daughter are you watching him with hawk eyes? Does he feel comfortable seeing her at your house? It is very hard for an absent dad to create a bond with a small person, especially if they are not talking. As we know, it is hard work to constantly keep them amused. I wonder if he could take her to a play area, where he could interact with her more?
The fact that he is seeing her is a positive thing, I know that you feel that she is being let down, but that is because you want to see them cavorting around laughing, but that might not ever be their relationship.
Stopping his visits entirely sounds quite extreme at this point, he needs to get to know her and how to become a dad, would you consider popping out for 20 mins and see what happens? He may get bored because he knows you are there to carry any of the responsibility and he doesn't feel he has to do anything.
I agree with you that if he is unable to change her nappy, then it is not really a good idea for her to be staying overnight with him. I imagine he wants this so that he can feel free with her, maybe this is something to re-consider once she starts school?
If you were to decide to stop contact, he would have to take you to court to continue access. If he were to do this, unless she was in any danger of violence or there was proof of a drug addiction, it is unlikely the courts would support your case.
It sounds like you have been really supportive of access so far, what if you backed off a bit and let him make his own plans, don't contact him, unless he contacts you, how would that work?
He takes her out for walks, which people have seen him out and chatting away on his phone ignoring her, when he is at mine I leave him to interact with her alone as it is "their time" , I know a young child does not do much but he can not just ignore her as he is still her father no matter what age she is, me & him have always been friendly but when u see your daughter crying her eyes out and the father ignoring her it's hard to be friendly. I have even let him stay over night so he got to experience a night with her (not many mothers would make that effort) and he just ignored her when she woke for a bottle then left her on edge of sofa to roll off and left her in a dirty nappy as he didn't want to get up.... I can't just sit there ignoring her all day so why should I allow him?
He seems more than comfitable having visits at my house as he makes himself very welcome & comfy, I have suggested visits else where but he wants them at mine
It does sound as though you are trying everything. However he also sounds like he is willing (although maybe not very able at the moment!
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More and more areas are starting to work with fathers, I am not sure where you live, but do you think he would get involved in some sort of father and baby group? If so, contact our Your Local expert and she might be able to find him something?
I would not trust him to take her alone yet, I'm not saying never but ATM he has shown his is not capable to look after her without me or family member around- put it this way, would u trust a guy who neglects his child, leaves her in a shitty nappy coz he can't be bothered to change it & pays more attention to his phone than her crying???!!! I appreciate all the advice I really do but our child's needs come first & as a mother I cant leave her with a person I don't trust & doesn't show any intreast in her when he's with her
Hi Tinkerbelle2. I have just answered you in your other thread. How old is your child? Have you tried telling him that before you feel comfortable in allowing overnight visits, you have to see him change a nappy, do the feed etc. He needs to gain experience, and also some parents need to be shown what to do, how to handle a crying child etc.
He's been shown what to do endless times and I've even let him stay at mine over night with her & take charge but all failed as he showed no intreast and then gets moody when ever I show him or explain how to do it, I think he only comes so he looks like a great dad to his mates and sees the baby more as a trophy than human (if that makes sense), I know he has rights but he comes speaks to me like crap, ignores her, refuses to listen when I'm explaining, txts whole time on phone then leaves
Hello Tinkerbell2
First of all let me say Welcome. Secondly, I have marked the other thread Read-Only so that we can all follow what is going on....see the other thread here to read more.
It sounds to me as if you need to take charge of the whole situation. Is there someone else who could supervise the contact instead of you? Your sister? I do agree with what Anna has said, and whilst I understand that you are distressed if she cries and he does not respond, I definitely think this is because you are there and he thinks you will do it.....if he is at someone else's house or a contact centre then he will HAVE to do it, out of embarrassment if nothing else.
One thing is for sure, the present situation is not working. So you need to change something about it. You need and deserve a break from your daughter and at the moment it sounds as if you are becoming increasingly frustrated with her dad's behaviour and that this is dominating things.
Well to be Frank with you of course I'm annoyed but who wouldn't be when a child is being ignored by her father, he leaves her in shitty nappies, leaves her crying & doesn't feed her unless I have to remind him- I've given him time alone with her, for her to come back overed in poo where he's so lazy....so NO I don't trust him alone with her anymore, is that me over reacting NO it's me being a decent mother!
He has refused to go contact centre or have 1 of my family members there, his reply was "she's my daughter I don't need to be supervised" so what more can I do???
Hi Tinkerbell2
I don't know if this has already been suggested but if not then please email our own Legal Expert (click on the link) to find out about any actions you can take
Hiya
I came across your thread, and although people are concentrating on your legal position I thought I would input a different angle.
Having your child in the care of someone you do not trust, Is the scariest thing imaginable. Their is no deniying that with your childs health needs you are making an effort to allow fair access to your ex. ( I must note from what you are describing, ignoring the anger, justified as it may be, is NEGLECT, you can be hauled up for alot less than not feeding or changing a baby regularly and as her gardian you are responsible for other people doing it to! I personally think you have to insist on supervision whether he likes it or not, just until he has shown as louise says without you there he WILL do it) then you will be able to build trust and get things on a better keel. Stuborn as he may be, if he really wants to be a part of his daughters life and if he is seeing her regularly it sounds like he does, he will do it even if he has a hissy fit about it. Anyone that turns round and says if I have to be supervised then Im not seeing her, is thinking about themselves and not their child.
At 5 months of age bedtime and morning routines that you are building are at their most important stage, as these will be what governs their sleep patterns in the future. This is a moral argument for you not wanting her gone over night or for days at a time.
I would write through a solicitor, I would avoid to begin with throwing accusations around like I don't trust you, your dealing, you don't care and appeal instead to a sense of decency, That at her age and with her needs you do not feel comfortable or feel that it is appropriate for her to be apart from you over night at preseent. ( your not saying never) try and get an arrangemnet drawn up that reflects this, maybe even offer, if he wants to be more involved in her night time routines, when he has had her for the day he can get involved with bathtime and bed time when he brings her home before he leaves. This would also be good at giving you confidence that he knows what he is doing when a time comes that you feel she can stay over night.
If things get messy and you do end up in court this attempts on your part and your reasons will be taken into account. I would never advise someone to cease contact completely and would hope you remember that a man is capable of being a terrible human being in your eyes but could still be a fantastic dad. But having said that contact does not have to be over night, and a court will always tell you that any contact must not interfere with routines and commitments already put in place with the child. My youngest is 9 months old and I still wouldn't agree to overnight, purely because I don't drive and my ex lives 3 hours away, so if she needed me at a time when there is no public transport I would not be able to get to her.
Remeber it doesnt have to be legally recognised to be whats right for your family
xx
Thank u so much for your reply this has helped so much- if I refused over night access can courts go against me? Like you my ex lives hours away & neither of us drive, I'm worried about her staying with her father as he can nearly change a nappy and in all fairness he's a stranger to her & he ignores her - courts don't see what goes on behind closed doors. I've showed him everything so many times, I get that some ppl don't take to parenthood but if I have to show him all the time, how can I feel comfitable about leaving them alone for a long period of time!! x
Hi Tinkerbell,
Sorry I havn't been back on, been a hectic week. Yes a court can rule against you. Its not like a trail where decisions are made by a group of jourers its a judge. and being human they are more than capable of making the wrong decision, but then arn't all of us.
All you need to concentrate on is putting your case forward as best you can. take the time to prepare. A judge does not want to hear he did this he cant do that, a judge wants to see and hear that you really do have your childs best interests at heart.
The reasons you have shared with us are more than good enough for a judge to agree with you in the short term at least, until she is older. Just be honest, respectful and go armed with evidence for everything you say. leave the mud slinging to your ex x
He also lives over 3 hours away, don't drive but wants her over night, this seems very unrealistic & am I wrong to refuse it seen as he cant even change her nappy even thou I keep showing him- our baby also has health problems so on a strict daily routine